Just What the Truth Is (4 page)

They were right and I knew it. I felt like I had set Noah up for failure, especially because I knew how enticing Clark could be. By that point in time, I had spent close to a decade trying to squash my own feelings for my friend.

And my brother, staying consistent with his life-long pattern, didn’t give any of us an inch to adjust. He insisted that Clark would be joining him at every family gathering or he wouldn’t come at all. He became angry and belligerent if any of us asked him to reconsider and try to date women. And that’s really saying something, considering the fact that my brother was already angry and belligerent before that altercation.

Noah was so damn young at the time, just twenty-two, and he had been living with Clark since he was eighteen, supposedly as roommates. We were sure some distance from Clark would give him a different perspective. Well, my parents were sure, anyway. Distance from Clark hadn’t done a thing to change my perspective with regard to my own feelings for the man, so I wasn’t completely sure it would work for Noah. But I wanted him to try. I didn’t want my younger brother to suffer through the miserable life I was leading, constantly being plagued by desires and thoughts I knew were wrong.

The irony of it all was that, as it turned out, Noah hadn’t been suffering. He was happy with his life, happy living with Clark. And he felt no shame about admitting who he was to anyone who asked and even people who didn’t.

I felt equal parts envy and resentment toward my brother. He hadn’t ever asked permission for anything. He had just taken what he wanted, done what he wanted, and the rest of us had been stuck picking up the pieces. My parents were still devastated that their youngest son was living a gay lifestyle, and I was still trying to deal with that, still trying to mend the bridge between them and Noah, still hoping that our family could overcome the huge rift that had been formed when he came out. Or, to be more accurate, the rift that had always been there between my brother and my parents.

The bottom line was there simply wasn’t room in our family for me to add to the drama and the chaos. I had to be the son my parents expected, because if I wasn’t, there would be nobody else left to play that role.

Sitting all alone in my living room thinking about my family, or even worse, thinking about myself, was too much. I felt like I was suffocating, and I needed to get some air. My condo had windows, but no balcony and certainly no yard, so I snatched my keys from the bowl by the door and headed out for a drive. I didn’t have a particular destination in mind. I was just driving and thinking, then trying to clear my head with limited success and thinking again.

Before I knew it, I found myself in EC West, turning down my brother’s street. I liked his neighborhood so much better than mine. The houses were older and unique, not cookie-cutter McMansions, like where my parents lived, or nondescript condo complexes, like where I lived. I had thought about moving to EC West more than once. It was close to work, close to Noah and Clark, and far away from my parents. But it was far away from my parents. Don’t worry, the contradiction in those last two thoughts didn’t escape my notice.

I loved my parents. I wanted them to be happy. I wanted them to be proud of me. But sometimes, I wondered if it would ever be possible for me to be happy and proud of myself.

Shaking off those types of thoughts had become so customary that I usually didn’t even have to think about it. But as I sat in front of my brother’s adorable house and inhaled the scent from the flowers he and Clark had planted in the front yard, I found myself struggling to paste on my standard happy grin. I closed my eyes and breathed deeply.

Everything was fine. I had just been tested more than usual the previous night. But I would find a way to overcome my attraction to Micah Trains. And, if not overcome it, then bury it deep enough that nobody would know. And really, don’t you think that’s the same thing?

I
DECIDED
to get out of my car and go say hello to Noah and Clark. My relationship with Clark had improved substantially over the previous four months, which had helped alleviate a sick feeling I’d had since our falling out years earlier. Things were still a little tense with Noah, but then again, things had always been a little tense with Noah, so that was nothing new.

I rang the doorbell and was surprised when my brother’s friend opened the door. He was my height, with intentionally disheveled hair that was bleached or dyed or something, resulting in a blond-streaked look. He had long sideburns and all sorts of piercings in both ears, plus one on his eyebrow.

“Oh, sorry, I didn’t realize Noah and Clark had company. I should have called first,” I said.

“Hey, no worries, man. Come on in.” He stepped aside and then held his hand out. “I’m Andrew. We met a couple of months ago.” He had some ink on his forearm, but it was just peeking out from under the long-sleeved henley he was wearing, so I couldn’t see the details.

I took his hand and shook it. “I remember. Nice to see you again, Andrew. I’m sorry to interrupt your evening.”

“Seriously, it’s not a problem. There’s plenty of food. Come on out back.”

My mother would have been mortified if she had known that I had come to someone’s home uninvited and unannounced and interrupted a dinner party. Oh, and I was empty-handed, not even a bottle of wine to share. Social niceties were very important in my family, and I was probably violating any number of rules. Well, Noah never seemed to care about any of that stuff, and it was his house and his dinner party, so I thought it was probably okay.

We had just stepped out of the French doors into the backyard when Clark saw us. He jogged over to me and clasped my shoulder, giving it a squeeze. “Hi! I’m so glad you’re here.” He was smiling and his voice sounded genuinely pleased. “I wasn’t sure if Noah had decided to…. Ehm, what can I get you to eat? We have plenty left—burgers and dogs, a couple of different salads. What are you in the mood for?”

I decided not to apologize for crashing their party, because based on Clark’s comment, I was fairly sure he thought Noah had invited me. If I knew Clark and Noah, which I did, I would guess that Clark had suggested including me on the guest list and Noah had refused.

“I’m not all that hungry, Clark. But I’d love a bottle of water.”

“Coming right up. Make yourself at home. I think you’ve met most of the people here.”

I looked around the backyard. There were probably about a dozen people there, and most of them looked familiar. I had joined Clark and Noah for dinner or breakfast or a pickup ball game many times over the past few months, and their friends had been included much of the time. It’s not like I knew any of them well, but certainly enough to make small talk. Hey, it was better than spending the night all alone in my condo.

I said hello to some guys I recognized, chatted about the Glory’s season and the weather, and then I spotted my brother. He looked surprised to see me but not pissed off. I took that as a win and walked over to him, reaching for a hug as soon as I was close enough. Noah didn’t pull away. Hey, I was on a roll.

“Nice to see you. Did Clark invite you?”

Right to the point. Yup, that was Noah.

“No, he didn’t. I was just stopping by to say hello. But he thinks you invited me, and he was pretty happy about that. Don’t worry, I won’t tell him that I’m just here coincidentally.”

Noah sighed. “I don’t lie to Clark, Ben. Not about anything. Not ever.”

No, of course not. They were the perfect couple. All sunshine and roses and rainbows and unicorns. At least when I wasn’t butting in and messing things up for them. I suddenly felt drop-dead tired again. I rubbed my eyes with the palm of my hand. “I didn’t mean anything by that, Noah. Sorry. Do you want me to leave?”

“Of course not. I want you to stay. You’re always welcome here, Ben.” He smirked. “And I’m saying that without Clark here elbowing my ribs. Look, I didn’t invite you because I thought you’d be uncomfortable. That’s all. But everyone’s gonna be taking off soon anyway, so it should be fine.”

“Uncomfortable?” I furrowed my brow. “Why?”

“Because of the rest of the guests, Ben. Come on, you’re still riding the denial train, and I didn’t think you’d want to make a pit stop here in honestyville.”

I knew Noah was referring to his recurring accusation that I was gay. There was no point in my denying it. I had already been down that path with Noah, and he wasn’t going to buy what I was selling. My brother was much smarter than his brutish appearance implied.

“Thanks for the reminder of how little you think of me, Noah, but I’m perfectly comfortable here.”

Okay, so it was a lie. But it wasn’t because I was at Noah’s house. It seemed like I wasn’t comfortable anywhere anymore. Not even in my own skin.

Chapter Four

I
CHATTED
with Noah for a little while, but then a few of his guests were leaving, so he went to see them out. I saw a blonde woman standing on the side patio, and I walked over to her out of habit. That was my pattern—find a woman, start dating her, break up, find another woman right away, start dating her, rinse and repeat ad nauseam.

“Hi, I’m Ben Forman.” I introduced myself to the blonde woman.

She was holding a can of beer and her hand was wet, so she wiped it on her jeans before reaching it out to me. “I’m Kelsey. Your last name is Forman, huh? Are you Noah’s brother?”

I nodded. “Sure am. How do you know Clark and Noah?”

She drank some of her beer before answering. “My girlfriend teaches a couple of classes at Noah’s gym.”

Well that was unexpected. “Girlfriend? You mean, you’re, umm, you’re….”

Keeping a girlfriend wasn’t my forte, but landing one had never been an issue, so knowing I had just struck out with Kelsey had caught me off guard. Sure, I had decided to give myself a reprieve from dating, but a long-standing habit was hard to break, and I had already slated Kelsey as my next future ex-girlfriend. See, I can joke about the ridiculousness that is my life.

“A lesbian. Three syllables, I think you can manage them. I can’t imagine that comes as a total shock. I mean, what exactly says straight to you about this hairstyle?” she asked as she waved her hand around her almost military-style buzz cut.

My brother’s comment about me being uncomfortable because of the other guests finally sank in. I darted my eyes around the backyard and saw things in a different light.

Andrew, the punk guy who’d let me in, had his arm slung over a slender guy’s shoulders. David, a man with black hair and rippling muscles whom I had met when Noah and I went out for drinks one night, was standing behind another dark-haired guy with his arms wrapped around the guy’s chest. Aaron, the blond veterinarian who took care of Noah’s new puppy, was sitting on one of the teak armchairs with a little man curled in his lap.

Okay, all those guys were paired up with each other. It’s funny. To hear my parents describe it, they’re terrified about Noah being gay because of the promiscuous lifestyle, the accompanying drug use, and the social isolation associated with homosexuality. But here I was, looking at my brother’s tight-knit group of friends, and they were all just hanging out, seemingly sober and very clearly in established relationships. The difference between the reality I was witnessing and the nightmare stories I had always heard was confusing.

“I think I may be the only straight person here,” I said dumbly.

“Oh, honey, no you’re not,” she replied, shaking her head before taking a swig of her beer.

“I’m not? Who else is straight?”

“Not what I meant,” she said as she walked away across the yard.

It took a full minute for the meaning of her comment to register, and when it did, I felt the blood drain from my face and my stomach roll over. I collapsed into one of the chairs on Noah’s patio.

Did she think I was gay? Why? I was acting perfectly normal.

Then it hit me. My brother must have told her about his suspicions. I wondered whether he told everyone that his brother was gay. Maybe that was how Micah Trains knew. Well, not
knew
, but
thought
. Whatever, you get the point.

Micah said he and Noah had a mutual friend, so if Noah was going around telling his friends about me, it might’ve gotten back to Micah. And if Micah knew—
thought
—that I was gay, I wondered who else had heard Noah’s rumor and believed it.

“There you are.”

I looked up and saw Clark standing next to me.

“We wondered where you’d gone. Your car is still out front, but we couldn’t find you.”

I looked toward the backyard and saw that it was empty. I had no idea how long I had been sitting at the side of the house in the near dark, trapped in my own thoughts. “Did everyone go inside?” I asked.

Clark shook his head. “No, they all went home. It’s getting kind of late, and we started the barbeque pretty early, so….” Clark tilted his head to the side and appraised me carefully. Even though we had drifted apart, there was a time when we had been really close, and Clark could still read me pretty well. “What’s going on, Ben? Are you okay?”