Kiss List (20 page)

“Nothing is going to come of it but at least I got to kiss Aaron,” I said. “That was a dream come true.”

“I told you, you just need to have patience,” Alyssa said firmly. “My plan is already in motion and I have confidence that it’ll work.”

“Then why won’t you tell me what it is?” I asked.

“Because for it to work you have to be completely oblivious to it,” Alyssa said. “I keep telling you. You need to trust me.”

“Enough about the stupid plan already,” Payton said. “Let’s get back to the part where you made out with not one but two Caldwells.”

Alyssa,
Oliva, Payton and I were having lunch together at school. It was the day after the kiss competition with Aaron and judging by the looks on their faces, Payton and Olivia were desperate for details. I was far more interested in getting Alyssa to tell me what her plan was. So far she was resisting but I had ways of making her talk. I just needed to review the legal status of water boarding first.

“It wasn’t that big of a deal,” I said dismissively. “I kissed Aaron’s brother Nate before I kissed Aaron. They were both great kissers. Aaron was definitely better but I’m sure Nate will get there with a bit more experience.”

All three girls looked stunned. “Wait, we need more than that,” Payton said. “Alyssa, did you see Nate?”

Alyssa shook her head. “I’m told he was rather occupied with a couple of the JV girls when I left. It sounded like he was very, very popular with those girls.”

“Yeah,” I said. “Lindsey told me this morning that the JV girls even put up a Nate Caldwell fan page on Facebook.”

“You’re kidding,” Olivia said. “That’s crazy. What does this kid look like?”

“If he looks anything like his older brother I need to see him,” Payton said. She took up her phone. “I’m looking up the page.” A second later she gasped.

“What is it?” Olivia asked.

“The group photo shows Nate with only a towel wrapped around his waist and his arms around two JV girls,” Payton said. “He is so fine. I mean, it’s ridiculous. How did you just kiss him? I would have had that towel off in less than a second and then had some real fun with him. He’s just a sophomore? Just think what he’s going to look like next year and the year after. Like, I could make a fortune renting him out to girls at this school.”

“Okay, well, I’m happy that you’re finding opportunities as a pimp. It’s a male dominated profession and it’s high time we women broke into it,” I said dryly. “But how about we focus...”

“I mean day-uhm,” Payton interrupted wistfully. “Just think about what it would be like to hook up with Aaron and Nate at the same time. A Caldwell sandwich. How amazing would that be? Just picture it.”

“That’s disgusting Payton,” Alyssa said.
“Right Sadie? Sadie? Uh, Sadie?”

“Oh yeah, totally,” I said. Payton’s suggestion had started my imagination running wild and it was a tad difficult to reign it in. “Completely disgusting.”

My phone started to vibrate on the lunchroom table. I flipped it over and opened an incoming text message. My eyebrows climbed up my forehead when I saw who it was from.

“Meet me
rite now in the east gym. Ive got something u want.” It read. The message came from Doug.

“You’re going to finish up with Ryan now, right?” Olivia was saying. “Aaron wasn’t on the schedule yet. You’re supposed to learn more about Ryan.”

“Yeah,” I said absentmindedly. “I’m going to his concert tonight. It’ll happen. Sorry, I’ve got to pick something up now. Excuse me.”

As I walked to the east gym I wondered what
could Doug possibly have to offer me. He had already ambushed me and made me look like a fool. Was this just a trick? If so, he had another thing coming. I might have been naïve but I wasn’t stupid. I wasn’t going to let Doug hurt me again.

I half expected to see Missy and her gang of sycophants when I arrived at the gym but instead it was just Doug. I glared at him. “What’s going on, Doug,” I demanded. “Why am I here?”

“Look, just listen to me,” Doug said. “I messed up. I know that, okay? I sold out to the popular crowd in exchange for their poisoned fruit.”

I folded my arms and looked him over. This wasn’t an act; he seemed genuinely remorseful. Something had gone wrong. “I take it the job at the photography studio wasn’t everything you hoped for?” I asked.

Doug shook his head. “They fired me after one week,” he said. “Claimed they could smell weed on me, which is ridiculous. It was a crappy job anyway. Who wants to spend their lives taking pictures of crying babies?”

“I’m sorry,” I said. “I really am. It sounds like Missy was the only one who gained something from our encounter.”

“That’s what I want to fix,” Doug said. He held out a flash drive to me.

“What’s this?” I asked.

“It’s the photos of Graham and the kissing competition,” Doug said. “Take it. Missy will be embarrassed if photos of her boyfriend kissing a ton of other girls get out.”

I hesitated. I wanted to take it – I did – but something held me back. Missy had been horrible to me. She certainly deserved this and more. I kept thinking, however, about the downward spiral of revenge that we had all become trapped in. If I did this the spiral would continue to bring us down to new lows. I shook my head. It was time to end it. “No,” I said. “I don’t want it. I don’t want anything more to do with Missy.”

“Come on,” Doug said skeptically. “How could you not want revenge on her? Just take it. If you don’t want it now you will in the future.”

“That’s what I’m afraid of,” I said. “I’m not taking it.”

“Okay,” Doug said. “Well, I’m just going to leave it here on the gym floor. I sure hope no one else comes along and opens it up on a computer.” He put the flash drive on the floor and walked away

I stared at it for a minute, hating Doug. Finally, I reached down and put it in my pocket. I couldn’t very well just leave it there. When I passed the garbage on my way out, however, I just couldn’t seem to be able to throw it out. I resolved to take it home and keep it until I could find some time to destroy it properly.

That night was Ryan’s band concert. I hadn’t been to a band concert since I played the clarinet in middle school and wasn’t sure what the proper attire was. I called Olivia and she told me to dress up so I put on a pretty navy dress that I had bought a year ago for a cousin’s wedding.

Olivia, of course, wouldn't go to the concert with me for fear of being implicated in my kiss-then-run plan so I was all on my own. Everyone else who arrived at the school auditorium seemed to be with someone. Most were parents though grandparents and siblings were clearly in attendance as well. I felt lonely and uncomfortable around them all. They had come out of love for their family members in the band while I was just there to hook up with a boy. The thought made me feel dirty.

I wasn’t sure what to expect when the bands started playing – maybe some marching band and peppy tunes. Instead, the band covered a wide range of music. I was pleasantly surprised. By the time intermission arrived, I had heard music ranging from classical to rock. The choir also performed in between band songs but it was band that I really enjoyed. I picked out Ryan almost immediately. He looked so at ease with his music that I couldn’t help but think about how he played at the park.

After intermission, however, was when Ryan really shone. During a classical composition he had a tenor saxophone solo. I listened in awe to his masterful talent. Then during a jazz number he had a chance to improvise on the spot in front of everyone. It was breathtaking. I half expected to see a woman in a suit walk onto the stage and announce that he had been accepted to a premiere music program, invited to play for the president, or something else significant enough to acknowledge his awesome skill. How could people like this actually exist in my own community? I felt like Ryan should be famous.

After the concert I waited as people who appeared to be Ryan’s parents and grandparents congratulated him. After they had walked away I approached to add my own congratulations.

“Sadie!” Ryan exclaimed. I wasn’t sure if he would be happy to see me but the excited look on his face appeared genuine. “I didn’t know if you’d make it,” he said. “It’s great to see you!”

I laughed. “Great to see me? I didn’t do anything. Seeing you play was incredible. You’re amazing.”

Ryan blushed.

“I mean you play amazingly well,” I said quickly. “Of course you’re amazing too, because of your playing and everything.” This was not going well. My words were all jumbled in my head. “Wow, I always seem to make a fool of myself around you,” I said. “Maybe I should go now. I just wanted to say great job before I left.”

“Wait,” Ryan said. “The other day by the park, I wasn’t fair to you. I should have explained why I needed to be alone.”

“It’s fine,” I said. “I think I know the reason and it’s alright.”

“No it’s not, and you don’t,” Ryan said. He put a hand absentmindedly on his head and brushed his thick hair off of his forehead. “Look, a couple years ago my little sister got sick.
Really sick. She fought it and it seemed like she would pull through for a while but then this spring things took a turn for the worst.”

I hadn’t been expected anything like this. My heart dropped. “What happened?” I asked quietly, dreading the answer.

Ryan’s eyes became moist. “She passed away,” he said. “During the last few months we had her I would take her out to Sanders Park. It was her favorite place. She loved to listen to me play music under the tree. She used to say that it made the park seem magical. I promised her I would take her there every day.”

My face felt unbearably hot. My throat choked up. I couldn’t breathe. My mind replayed everything Ryan had expressed to me at the park, from his sorrowful expression to how he had
said that he wasn’t alone. I pictured a young girl watching her big brother play his masterful music in the park even as her own body faltered. I imagined the grace and love it must have taken for her to know that she was dying and to have wanted to spend her last moments on earth with her big brother, appreciating his talent. Tears welled up in my eyes. I wanted to say something to make him feel better but I was at a loss for words.

“When she passed I kept going to the park,” Ryan continued. “I know it’s
kinda stupid but I just feel like she’s around when I’m there, you know? When I’m playing I can almost picture her sitting there rocking back and forth and smiling as she listens to me. When you showed up I couldn’t concentrate on her and it felt like she disappeared. I panicked. I’m sorry, I really didn’t want to make you feel bad.”

“You didn’t,” I said. I couldn’t hold it in any longer. I hugged Ryan tightly. I felt some tears roll down my cheeks and fall onto the shoulder of his suit jacket. I held him so that he wouldn’t see me cry. “I’m so sorry,” I said.

Ryan patted me on the back and I finally let go. “It’s fine,” he said. “I know I need to move on. It’s okay to miss my sister and honestly it’s good to talk to someone else about her but I know she wouldn’t have wanted me to put the rest of my life on hold for her. I’m just a little hard for me right now with winter coming. I know that before long I won’t be able to sit out there at the park and it makes me feel like I’m losing her all over again.”

“Ryan, I need to tell you something as well,” I said. I wiped tears from my eyes. Ryan had been so open and truthful with me that I couldn’t keep a secret from him any longer, as trivial as it seemed compared to the death of his sister. “I feel like a really crappy person for saying this and it’s alright if you hate me. I just want to be honest for once so please hear me out. Then you never have to speak to me again. I came to the park because I wanted to find you. A few of my friends thought you were cute and they dared me to get a picture of you kissing me. That’s the reason I was there. Your music really was beautiful and I had no idea about your sister. If I had I wouldn’t have bothered you. I lost my mom a few years ago so I have an idea of what it’s like to lose someone so close to you. I just... I never would have troubled you if I had known, okay? I’m sorry.”

Ryan was staring at me with an unreadable expression. Then, surprisingly, he smiled. “Seriously,” he said. “Why didn’t you just tell me that?”

“I was too embarrassed and shy, I guess,” I said.

“You were shy about kissing me?” Ryan asked. His voice had a touch of incredulity to it, like he couldn’t believe what I was saying. “You’re a legend in this school. You’re the captain of the state-winning soccer team. You’re super smart and beautiful. I’m nobody. Why would you be shy about kissing me?”

“You’re sweet, Ryan,” I said. “You’re also a good guy and I don’t exactly have the best reputation. Why would you want to be sullied with my image?”

Ryan shook his head. “Sounds like you don’t know much about how you’re perceived at school,” he said. “Anyways, you wanted a photo of a kiss. Got a phone?”

I looked around. “You mean right now?” I asked.
“In front of everyone?”

Ryan smiled. He grabbed me by the wrist and pulled me out the front doors of the auditorium. The lights from the school illuminated the dark night. It was so cold out that we could see our breath.

I turned to face Ryan. I fumbled with the clasp on my clutch, trying to get my phone out.