Libera Me (15 page)

The walls wobble and move, startling me. Nessa shoves me aside and chaos breaks loose. The room spins.

I spin.

Vertigo sends me to the floor as a girl materializes in front of me.

“Quick,” she says. “Enter his thoughts.”

I know her voice in an instant. Cass.

Good.

Nessa backs away from the girl, fear and rage mixing in her expression. She screams, again shouting the ancient phrases.

…Damnare…Infernum…Divina virtue…

Nessa points her accusations toward me, her words coiling around us both.

Something, someone, reaches into my thoughts. I can’t move, can’t breathe. My heart and mind open up and every fear, every doubt, spirals forward. Images layer on top of my emotions, weaving a tapestry of my crimes.

Pain and anguish swirl me into a cyclone of disgust.

A moment passes.

And another.

My stomach twists and I gag.

Cass bends over me. “Let go Aydan. Calm yourself.”

Her words hold little meaning to me.

Nesy lunges forward, knife in hand.

“Zane,” Cass yells to no one. “Behind you.”

“
Adepto de daemonium
,” Nesy mumbles, slashing the space around her.

“I’ve got this,” Cass yells again. “Get her out of here.”

The marks on my neck flare and sizzle. I suck back the pain. “Take care of her,” I say. My mind starts to fade.

Another angel materializes as my vision tightens.

“I’m sorry,” I say. “So sorry.”

“Shh. It’s okay. We have her. You’ll both be fine. Now, relax. Just relax.”

Cass’s words calm my thoughts immediately. The marks stop burning. The Beast withdraws.

“Nesy…” My world tightens in around me. “I need you.” My breathing labors. “Love you…”

Everything fades to black.

Chapter 23 – Confession

Zane

The door slams behind me, my emotions bubbling too close to the surface. Nesy stares at me, her eyes still wild.

“You!” she yells before she turns and runs.

I take a strangled breath, too weak to pursue her. The ground trembles slightly as the world opens up next to me. Caim pours from the portal, his face grim.

“What?” I ask.

“He tried to hurt her. Aydan.”

“Tell me something I don’t know.”

“Then you got here in time?” Caim clenches his jaw.

“Barely.” I release a strangled breath, allowing my emotions to seep through me. “No thanks to you. Where were you? You were supposed to be protecting her!”

Images of the hospital and Lori float through me. He wasn’t there for her either.

“I was. But—”

“But what? You needed to take a break? Why are you never where you’re supposed to be Caim? I knew trusting you to do this was a mistake.”

Caim grabs my throat, his eyes aflame. “I’m not the one you should distrust.”

I push into his thoughts and see flashes of every concern. Distrust of me, anger at Nesy. And sympathy for Aydan.

“How can you trust him over your own?” I choke out.

“She is not my brethren. And you are blind.”

Something in me snaps. I pull away from his hold and draw my sword, pointing it at his neck. “Do your job, Caim. Or I swear to the heavens I’ll tell Sariel you can’t.”

“Zanethios!” Cass appears behind Caim, her expression stern.

She slams into my heart, inhaling my emotions. I stumble back, dropping my weapon.

“You’re out of control, Mediator,” Caim spits. “You need to figure out what side Nesy’s really on before she destroys you and Aydan both.”

Caim disappears.

“Cass?”

She withdraws from my heart, leaving a foreign sense of calm in her wake.

“What in the name of Celestium are you doing? Do you want to get cast out? Is that it?”

“No.” I have nothing to say to her or anyone.

Tension and apprehension coat my mind, my heart.

…You are blind…

Caim’s words repeat over and over as the gravity of everything settles in around me. I can’t tell who is who, can’t sense the good from the evil. Part of me knows his words aren’t true. They can’t be.

But the visions I’ve seen, the feelings lodged in my throat—they paint a different reality. Doubt wells through me. And fear.

Others have been blind like this, my brethren that have spent time locked in human flesh. But that was never my road. I never wanted to give up my identity in that way, never wanted to relinquish my senses, my sight.

I’ve never wanted to feel so powerless. A feeling I can’t shake now.

“I don’t know who to trust,” I whisper.

“I know, Zane. I know.”

Again Cass enters my heart, healing the torment now wafting through me.

“I need to find Nesy,” I say.

“I know. She’s on the bluff.” Cass nods toward the hill in the distance.

“Is she alone?”

“Yes, but I’m coming with you. It isn’t safe here tonight.”

I don’t want to admit the truth of her words, but she’s right. And I need to start accepting it.

“Come on.”

The trip feels longer than usual as the air swirls around us, hurtling me toward her. Nesy faces the sea, the wind ruffling her hair. We walk behind her, cloaked in darkness and our angelic skin. Caim has said that she can’t see him, that she is nothing more than human. But I feel her body stiffen as we approach, feel her hold her breath. Her eyes dart from side to side, as though she is desperately trying to see something in the spaces around her.

See us.

I take a step closer, following her now-focused gaze out into the black water ahead of us. Silence binds us for a brief moment, interrupted only by her erratic heartbeat and heavy breath. “What do you want?” Nesy whispers.

I turn to Cass, my brows fusing into a line.

“Zane?” The warning in Cass’s voice holds no malice, only a concern I refuse to obey.

“Please. I need to do this.”

Cass shakes her head. “Fine. But be careful.” She fades away in a sudden rush of cold air.

Nesy holds another breath, closing her eyes. I feel the tiny movements of her skin as chills travel down her arms, hear her heart’s erratic beat. “Please don’t hurt me,” she says, her voice barely a whisper. “I don’t know anything. Please.”

I step closer, smelling a light scent of vanilla on her skin. I brush against her back slightly and the skin on her arms erupts in gooseflesh. She takes another labored breath.

“Can you see me?” I whisper into her hair.

She nods almost imperceptibly and I feel every movement.

“Trust me,” I say.

She turns as I wrap my arms and wings around her, sheltering her from the sea breeze. I push into her thoughts. At once she is completely still. Time stops and I see all of the chaos living in her soul, the fragments of her tortured mind, the fear that lingers there. I hear her thoughts as she tries to convince herself that I’m not real. There is a terror in her mind now, a strange madness that is different from the last time.

      There are still no thoughts of Nesy, no memories I kept expecting to find. Just the strange vacancy. Anguish is woven through the still empty places. And a faint echo of a life once lived, a last remnant of…

Something.

I reach for the fragments and will them to gel. Impossible. There is no hope of replacing what was once there.  Still, I try.

Nesy’s emotions begin to unravel as her fear grows. Again I reach into the emptiness that is her mind, calming the raw emotions. With no memories of peace to draw on, I have to push my own calm into the empty spaces—the calm of the Mediators. Celestium.

Within moments I feel her resistance melt as she slumps into my grasp. Her heart beats against mine and I wipe away the memories of tonight: the attack, the violence.

Everything except this moment, right now.

My heart clenches as my eyes begin to fill. She isn’t my Nesy. Not really. She’s nothing but flesh and bone now. The connection to Celestium is all but severed.

I release my hold on her mind and withdraw, watching her eyes flutter and open. For a moment I see recognition reflecting back toward me, replaced quickly by fear and then distance.  

For a moment I see Nesy. But, the moment fades too fast and I’m left with nothing but emptiness.

There’s nothing left, no memories.
Cass’s voice startles me.

I turn, the grim line of my lips giving away the truth.
She remembers nothing,
I say in my thoughts.

She’s not Nesy, Zane. Maybe Caim is right, maybe—?

No! It’s her.

Zane.

No. I need it to be her. I need…
I choke on the emotions welling through me.

She can’t be gone, lost.

I couldn’t have failed her.

I need to restore her memories, her connection to Celestium.

And if you can’t, if Caim’s appraisal of her is right? What then?

I have no answer for her, no words to tell her that I must assuage my guilt somehow. Mikayel’s.

“I don’t know,” I whisper.

Cass nods, a sad smile on her lips. She enters my heart and leaves one last measure of peace before floating away.

I trust you Zane. Always.

Cass’s presence leaves as the sun rises above the mountains, turning the ocean aflame in a burst of pink and orange. Nesy smiles at me, a chill passing over her body. I close the distance between us, entering her thoughts once more. Images of sunshine and a warm breeze pass from me to her. She closes her eyes, breathing in the warmth I paint.

Her body stops shivering.

“Thank you,” she whispers. “I was cold.”

“I’ll protect you Nesy, from everything.”

“I don’t know why, but I believe you.”

The silence weaves us together. There’s so much I want to tell her. But no words will form.

“Can I ask you something?” she asks, breaking the silence.

“Of course.”

“What are you? My guardian angel or something?”

“Not exactly.”

She edges closer to me and the air crackles with her presence. Every nerve tingles. I’m too close to her. Too far away. It feels as though a universe exists within the mere inches that separate us, and in that universe, a path I dare not cross. I swallow hard, my breathing ragged.

“Then what are you exactly?”

“Does it matter?” my voice trembles.

Her arm brushes against mine and I suck in a sharp breath. “No, I guess not.” She touches my chin, turning my head toward her. “All I know is that I feel safe with you. Safer than I’ve ever felt. And I don’t care if you’re real or not. I don’t care what you are. I just know I want you here with me. I need you.”

I crave every word.

“But—”

“But?”

“The other one, with the red wings and ruby skin…he scares me.”

“Why?” I refuse to let anything frighten her anymore.

“Something about the way he watches me. It’s unnerving.”

“It’s his job to keep you protected.”

“From what? Why would anyone hurt me? I’m nothing.”

“You’re more than you know, Nesy.”

The silence returns as she drops her hand and looks back out to the sea. The pinks and oranges morph into blues and golds as the sun rises higher in the sky.

“You said my name was Nesayiel. Before, in the forest.”

“Yes.”

“Aydan calls me that too.”

“Yes.”

“I don’t remember the girl you both think I am.” The sadness in her voice tears a piece of me.

“I know. I think you will one day, in time.”

If only the lie were true; if only the emptiness in her thoughts were less complete.

If only I hadn’t traded away her memories.

“And if I don’t?”

“I’ll still be here for you.”

She turns to me, her eyes reaching through me. Again I see Nesy reflected in their deep blue. “Can you promise me something?” she asks.

There is nothing I will refuse her. Not when she looks at me this way. “Yes,” I whisper.

“Stay with me.” She reaches for me, threading her hands in my hair. “Please, stay with me.”

My body shudders with her touch as chills roll through me. I pull away, forcing myself to think.

But she is persistent, pulling me back to her. “I need you with me.”

And I need her too.

I stare into her eyes, swallowing hard. Time and space lose all meaning and for a moment nothing exists but us.

Not Aydan and their love.

Not Azza and the smoke.

Not Celestium and its expectations.

Just us and the comfort she seeks from me.

A lie I want more than anything.

My body stiffens and I take a deliberate step back. “You should go home. Your family will be worried.”

A myriad of emotions floats through Nesy’s expression. Disappointment, pain, anger, and resignation. They come and go within a single human heart beat, until there is nothing but a cold distance.

“Yes, you’re right. I should go.”

Nesy turns and walks down the path toward her car.

“Nesy?” I know she must leave before I cross a bridge I dare not. But seeing her go, seeing the anger, the distance, rushes a torment forward I cannot bear.

Nesy hesitates, throwing a glance over her shoulder. “I’m fine now. I don’t need anyone.”

I watch her leave, oblivious to everything else.

I don’t see the portal that opens behind me; or feel the sudden burst of wind as it lifts me and sucks me back into the vortex, speeding me through time and space. I should be worried. Maybe afraid. But all I feel, all I care about, is Nesy.

And the distance in her eyes as says goodbye.

Chapter 24 – TREPIDATION

Aydan

Light filters through my eyelids and I wake with a start. Images of my lips on Nesy, tasting her soul, the rage in her eyes, floods every cell. Bile coats my mouth, swirling in a rush. I roll over, unable to keep myself from heaving.

“Here.” Caim stands next to my couch, dressed in war-armor, his crimson wings extending behind him. He hands me a trash can as I begin to gag.