Lily’s War (32 page)

Ronnie had gone off on his bike to the command post after returning with three of the cows which he had found in Sheil Park. He and she had filled up the hole in the shippon wall with rubble which hopefully would keep the rest of the cows in.

That night was not one Lily wanted to remember. The next day a grim-faced Matt came in early afternoon, ate what she put before him without speaking, snatched a couple of hours’ rest in bed and then went out again. When the sirens went it was back in the shelter for Lily and the others, but not to sleep.

That night it felt as if Hitler was throwing everything he had at Liverpool. Bombs screamed, machine-gun fire rattled, and there was the crump of falling masonry and explosion after explosion. Lily forced herself not to freeze at every sound but to talk about the radio, cinema, and ability of Gracie Fields and George Formby to make you laugh. Mrs Draper, who was with them again, and seemed to have a calming effect on the trembling Nora, talked about a trip to Blackpool as she knitted yet another man’s stocking.

So the hours passed and still the raid went on and Lily’s mind was like a dog chasing its tail, round and round, worrying, worrying about Matt and Ronnie. Even Mrs Draper had run out of conversation but Lily could see her lips moving in silent prayer. Well into the early hours there was an explosion which shook the house. They all clung to each other and Nora sobbed uncontrollably.

Lily could not bear it any longer. She crawled out of the shelter and ran upstairs to look out of the bedroom window. In the direction of the docks and the city centre the whole skyline was a fiery red with smoke billowing everywhere. It was as if Hell itself had reared up from the bowels of the earth to engulf the area. In contrast Lily felt as cold as ice. Liverpool was being destroyed! She had no idea how long she stood there, with her imagination running riot, praying feverishly, not knowing what words she used. Then suddenly she stopped, was no longer cold, only drained of emotion. She forced herself to move and go downstairs.

Nora’s terrified eyes met hers. Lily forced a smile but found herself unable to answer the question in that look.

At last the all-clear sounded and they crawled out of the shelter. It seemed a miracle that the cows and Lily’s remaining few hens were still alive and not a house down in the street. The acrid smell of burning was overpowering and there was a layer of ash over pavements, windowsills and steps. Several of the neighbours were out. Little Johnny, who still planned on going to sea but now to fight the Germans, waved to her and his mother said wryly, ‘Still alive then, Lil?’

‘Looks like it,’ she retorted brightly.

Neither of them spoke their thoughts but Lily wondered how many people on Merseyside had not woken up that Sunday morning. She wanted to cry and cry but swallowed back tears and clenched her jaw and went back indoors.

‘I’m going to make a proper cup of tea,’ she said to Nora, whose teeth were chattering. ‘Then I’m going for a walk after the milking and see what I can see.’ Strangely she had stopped feeling sorry for herself during the night. Her heart felt heavy but it was with a different kind of sadness to that which she had felt over losing the baby. She drank a couple of cups of tea but did not feel hungry.

‘I can’t stand another night of it,’ whispered Nora, spreading dripping on a slice of toast and handing it to her son. ‘Me and Pete are getting out, girl.’

‘You can go to my uncle’s farm,’ offered Lily.

Nora shook her head. ‘I’m going further than that. I was hearing the other day that one of me neighbours has gone to Ormskirk. She gave me her address. I’ll be off in that direction as soon as it’s light.’

Dawn was tardy in coming and when it did arrive it was a smoky, fiery, scarlet orange. Lily fed the cows and milked them single-handed, then served people their milk before going walkabout late morning.

It was a red-eyed, grey-faced Frank who told her that Mill Road Infirmary had been hit, with mothers and babies killed. Someone had said they’d seen Matt in that area. She felt an overwhelming relief that he was still alive. ‘What about Ronnie?’ she asked. He hesitated and her mouth went dry.

‘Well?’ she whispered.

‘He hasn’t reported back yet, Lil. Not that that means there’s anything for you to worry about,’ he said hurriedly. ‘Lots of the streets are impassable and with his knowledge of the city he was sent to help guide some of the outside help in. There’s that many fires our own men can’t cope. The docks and the city centre are still burning and water and gas and telephone lines are disrupted. They’ve drafted troops in to help. It’s chaotic.’

She cleared her throat. ‘Do you know what that enormous explosion was early this morning?’

Frank looked even grimmer, if that was possible. ‘Ammunition ship at Huskisson Dock – went up like a box of giant fireworks. There was also an ammunition train that blew in Lower Breck sidings. Frightened the life out of most of us, I can tell you,’ he said, shaking his head. ‘Thought our last hours had come.’

Lily nodded, her heart heavy, before walking swiftly in the direction of Mill Road Infirmary, trying to harden her heart against the sights she might see. There was still the sound of an explosion every now and again which caused passers-by to exchange glances. One man, clearing debris from a shop door, said in a jokey voice, ‘The end could be nigh. You’d better get your haloes polished, girls, ready to meet St Peter.’

It was too close to the truth to be really funny but Lily forced a smile considering he was doing his best.

She would not have recognised her husband kneeling among the rubble if an exhausted-looking first aid man drinking a cup of tea from a WVS canteen had not pointed him out. Matt had a woman in his arms and Lily was aware of a familiar jealousy as she scrambled towards him. Then she saw him pass the nightgowned woman to a man next to him and realised she was dead. Tears pricked the back of her eyes and she scrubbed them away as she clambered over piles of bricks. When next she could see clearly her husband was cradling a baby in his arms and she could not mistake the anguish in his face.

‘Matt!’ she called.

He looked up but did not move as she approached.

She knelt in the rubble, barely feeling the pain inflicted on her knees, and stretched out her arms for the baby. He hesitated before handing the child to her. She gazed into the tiny, crushed and battered face, considering how the midwife had taken her own baby away without allowing her to see it, in the belief it would lessen her pain.

‘Goodbye, baby,’ she whispered. ‘God bless.’

Suddenly she could no longer see the child’s face for tears and sensed rather than saw the man who took the child from her.

‘Lily, what are you doing here?’ Matt’s voice sounded raw, as if it hurt him to speak.

It probably does hurt, she thought, tasting the dust on her teeth and against her throat. ‘Ronnie hasn’t come home.’

‘I see.’ He laughed harshly. ‘I should have known only concern for your family would make you speak to me!’

His words pained her. ‘What about you?’ she cried. ‘You’re here. I could have been killed in the raid for all you know. You’re more concerned for other people than me!’

‘That’s not true. But would it be so surprising if it was, after the way you’ve behaved in the last weeks?’

‘I was hurt! I’m still hurting.’

‘Don’t you think I am?’

‘Not as much as me! I haven’t betrayed you!’ The words which she had not meant to say were out before she could prevent them.

He stared at her from eyes a steely-grey in his begrimed face. ‘We don’t know if I did.’

She hesitated. ‘All right we don’t,’ she said roughly. ‘But what about Ronnie?’

‘I can’t do anything about him. I’ve got a task to do here like all these men. They have families, too, but they can’t walk away. We’ve got some people out alive and you’re holding the work up. Go home. Ronnie could be there by now.’

She thought about that and nodded. ‘I’ll see you later.’

‘Be careful where you walk,’ he warned.

She rose carefully and left him. She would make chicken soup with the remains of the carcass of one of the dead hens. Matt would be hungry when he came in and, thinking positively, so would Ronnie.

Her brother arrived home late that afternoon. There was a bandage around his head and he looked at least three years older than last night. He was minus his bike. ‘What happened?’ She hugged him before pushing him into a chair.

‘I was blown off my bike.’ He rubbed his eyes. ‘It’s a wreck, Lil. I’m going to miss that bike. It was the first big present from Uncle William I ever had.’

‘You won’t be able to be a messenger now, will you?’ She experienced a wave of relief.

‘I’m of help to them. They said they’d find me another.’ His expression was suddenly hopeful. ‘But perhaps the bombers won’t be back tonight. You want to see it in town, Lil. Lewis’s is a mess and Blackler’s is completely gutted. As for round Paradise Street and South Castle Street, the fires are still burning and men are still trying to get people out of the rubble. Half of the rescuers are asleep on their feet.’

Lily wanted to weep again, thinking of all the unsung heroes this war was creating. She made tea but when she went to hand it to her brother, he had fallen asleep. Finding a blanket, she covered him with it and drank the tea herself, wondering when Matt would come home.

He arrived at tea time but they had no chance to talk. He fell asleep at the table as he ate. Sunday, the day of rest, thought Lily wryly. But they were to get little rest that night or the next as the heart of Liverpool continued to burn, providing an illuminated target for the Luftwaffe.

Then just when it seemed it was going to go on for ever and they’d all collapse under the strain, the bombing stopped. At last Matt and Ronnie came home, went to bed and slept the clock around. She left them to it. She slept in the Morrison shelter, knowing that sooner or later she and Matt would have that talk, but for now it would have to wait.

At the farm they had a frantic phone call from Daisy, asking if they were all right. It was a relief to be able to reassure her, said Uncle William when he saw Lily.

‘Any chance of her coming to see us?’ she asked.

He pursed his lips. ‘She was a bit cagey about that but let’s hope there’s a chance of her being drafted down here.’

When Lily told Matt of the conversation, he murmured, ‘I suppose if she has to find digs you’ll want her to come and live with us?’

There was something in his voice that caused her to say irritably, ‘Would you object? Nora’s gone so there’s room. She is my sister after all.’

He riffled his fingers through his hair. ‘She’s sharp. She’ll suspect there’s something wrong between us.’

‘Well, there is,’ said Lily frankly. Now the danger had passed, all the pain over Abby and losing the baby returned in a painful surge. ‘You fell in love with someone else.’

‘I never feel in love with Abby,’ he said stoutly. ‘I told you what happened.’

‘As you care to remember it.’

His mouth tightened. ‘Are you saying I’m lying about not remembering?’

Was she saying that? ‘I don’t know,’ she murmured. ‘I only know it hurts me unbearably to think you might have a child somewhere to someone else.’

‘I don’t believe it!’ He looked wretched but she hardened her heart.

‘We both know the way some women react to you.’

‘I can’t help that.’

‘Perhaps not, but you have to admit it’s not impossible.’ She cleared her throat. ‘If you were lonely you could have slept with that girl.’

He stared at her then moved over to the window. ‘I want to tell you to believe I wouldn’t do it, but if you can’t then what do we do? Can you forgive me? Perhaps you’d like me to serve some kind of penance?’

‘A punishment to fit the crime,’ she said, far calmer than she felt.

He turned and faced her but she could not make out his expression as he had moved out of the range of the lamp. ‘You mean no sex?’

Was that what she meant? ‘You said it.’ Her voice was flippant but her heart was thudding in her breast.

Matt was so still it was as if he had stopped breathing. Then in weary tones he said, ‘If that’s what you want, Lily. You carry on sleeping in the shelter. I’ll sleep upstairs.’ Without another word he walked out of the kitchen.

She watched him go. In her mind she could see herself running after him and saying, ‘That wasn’t what I meant at all! I’m not sure what I want. I do want you to hurt like I’m hurting still. Call it tit for tat. Call it a shared experience if you like. We’ve shared so little lately. I need you to realise I’m your wife, but also not to bank on my accepting anything you do because of that.’ But she did not put the thoughts into action. Her pride made her stay where she was and she forced herself to remember those years without him when she had had to do without the comfort of his arms around her and everything else that being married to a man meant because he had spent time with Abby and other people and with his God.

‘Good cup of tea that, girl.’ The man shoved his filthy cap to the back of his head and lit a cigarette.

‘Do you want another?’ offered Lily, forcing a smile and determinedly trying to ignore the smothering sense of loss and hopelessness which still gripped her months after her baby’s death, and had been made worse by the death and injury of so many others and the partial destruction of the heart of her proud city. The doctor had said she must rest but she could not keep still and wanted to help to bring some sense of order where there was desolation, while at the same time wanting to run from the sight of it – to find a green haven where there were comforting arms and her mother’s lilting Welsh voice telling her that all would be well in the end. She knew the space which she had enforced between her and Matt was disastrous to her own well-being but seemed powerless to do anything about it.

As for Matt, he had involved himself even more in helping others while she put hours in with the mobile canteen, supplying tea, soup and sandwiches to the men demolishing buildings and clearing away rubble. All her days were filled with some kind of work, anything to stop her thinking, but the thought of Abby having Matt’s baby alive somewhere still tormented her.