Love's Suicide: Love's Suicide (17 page)

“Yeah, I do. Anyway, I swear to you that I never spoke to Brooks since the night before my wedding. He was in
Afghanistan, and I was here with you. Then I got pregnant and we got married. I suppose if I was given the chance, I would have tried to reach out to him, but I never had the nerve, at least not until a few months ago. You see, I felt like things were going good and enough time had passed to ask him for closure. After getting his address from my old friend, I sent him one letter, asking exactly for that. I just wanted him to somehow tell me to move on, so that you and I could move forward. I didn’t know he would write me back. Not only did he tell me he’d never given up on me, but he talked about seeing me again someday.”

I waited for Bobby to yell or scream. He ran his hands over his face a couple times and tightened his lips, but didn’t say a word.

“Bobby, the letters continued. We wrote to each other almost every day until they just stopped.” I started crying again. “I think that’s when I knew he was gone.”

I sat there with my face covered sobbing. I could hear him opening the box and unfolding one the pieces of paper.
The room got quiet and finally I looked up to see him reading it. I didn’t know which letter it was, or what it said exactly, not that it mattered. Bobby was getting the full truth, because he deserved it. I couldn’t live with the lie when he was offering me comfort without question. He needed to know that Brooks was my weakness, no matter what it did to our marriage.

Letter after letter, he read them, sitting there across from me in silence, until he was finished. He sat the last one down and looked at me with tears in his own eyes. “Katy, he never m
entioned B.”

I shook my head and sobbed more. “Because I never told him.”

His concerned face turned to shock and all of the sudden it was like a light switch had gone off in his head. “Why would you do that?”

I shrugged. “I don’t know. I was scared of how he would react. I was scared of what it would do to you and your relationship with her.”

A tear fell down his face. “You thought about me?”

“Of course I did. Just because I have feelings for Brooks doesn’t mean I don’t care about you, Bobby.”

He covered his face again and I prepared for him to lash out. “I just have one question for you.”

“Okay. Just a
sk.” I was still sobbing, but I was calm enough to hear what he was saying to me.

I watched as he wiped his eyes and looked right into mine. “I’m real sorry to ask you this right now, but I think considerin’ all you’ve told me, I have the right to ask.” He sniffled and played with his wedding ring as he spoke. “What happens now? What happens with us?”

“What do you mean?”

“W
hat I want to know is, after all that’s happened it’s clear he was what was standing in the way of us being happy. Now what happens? Do I get another chance? Can we rebuild all that’s been broken, or is this your way of sayin’ goodbye to me to? Because, I’m tellin’ you right now, I’ve been patient and understandin’. I’ve sat here listening to you tell me you loved someone else. I read that man’s letters to you. All I can tell you is that I want what he had. I want to feel that love and what it could do for us.”

Bobby was right. As much as it hurt to admit, I’d strewn him along and pretty much used him, knowing all along that if Brooks showed up one day, nothing would stop me from being with him.

I hadn’t been fair.

The thing was, at that very moment, I needed Bobby. I needed him more than ever
before. It wasn’t just about me either. Bobby was the only father B would ever know. I owed it to her to give things a second chance; to start over, even if it was because my first choice was gone forever.

“I never realized how important you were unti
l all of this happened. I don’t expect you to understand, but I need you.”

Bobby crossed his arms and looked right at me. “You need me? Since when?”

“Since right now. Does it really matter what circumstances made me say it?”

He finally smiled. “No, you’re right. It doesn’t matter.
What matters is me being in that little girl’s life. She’s my world, Katy, and so are you.”

I could feel my lips trembling. “I know.”

He reached over and touched the top of my hand. “I love you.”

I closed my eyes, feeling that love radiate through me; the love that Bobby had always wanted to give me.
Without regard for what I was doing, or even if it was the truth, I looked right at him. “I love you, too.”

I’d never love Bobby the way that I loved Brooks, but I loved him for loving me and B. I loved him for putting all of his feelings aside to comfort me when I lost the other man in my life. It took courage and understanding and not every man would have been able to do it.
Bobby had showed me compassion and now it was my turn to stop holding onto something that would never be and move forward with what already was.

I ow
ed him a lot and I vowed right then and there that I was going to do everything in my power to be a better partner to him and to our family.

In my eyes we were even.

Chapter 24

May 2013

There was one thing good about my situation. The more I focused on my marriage, the less I dwel
led on things I couldn’t change, like losing Brooks.

Bobby and I were still seeing a counselor, except we’d been going together to help our marriage move in the right direction.

Since I’d destroyed my cell phone and never wanted to hear from Melissa or anyone else again, I decided to get a new phone with a new number. My life had enough drama and I just needed to stay focused.

It was amazing
how much a difference it made in my relationship when I gave it my all. I’d never been able to communicate with Bobby the way we were, and to make things even better, he was getting around with the help of a walker. He’d been going into the shop a few days a week to make calls and do some backed-up paperwork. I spent those days visiting Sarah, grocery shopping and spending quality alone time with B. I can’t say it was easy looking into her blue eyes and seeing so much of Brooks there. When she smiled, it melted my heart and I knew she was the greatest gift he could have ever given me.

It was in the middle of the week when I starte
d noticing an unfamiliar truck parked outside of my house. The first day I just figured it was someone from the permit office doing a double check on the property.

The next day, when Bobby noticed the same truck, I started to get nervous.
After we’d both agreed that we didn’t recognize the vehicle, we called the sheriff, feeling as if we were being scoped out for a robbery.

As a favor to Bobby, he parked on the road and waited for the conspicuous truck to show up.

It never did.

A week went by and we didn’t see it again.

Bobby had made a commitment to service all of the school buses in the area for their annual inspection and it required him to be present to sign off on each job. I knew he was going to be gone the whole week during the day, so after dropping him off at work that Monday, B and I went into town to do some shopping.

I’d wanted new things for the house and hadn’t
had time to really go out and shop. We headed to a bigger town, called Columbia, where there were malls and larger stores to shop at.

I hadn’t thought about i
t being extremely close to the Army base.

Everywhere I drove, and each store I entered, I saw people wearing fatigues. As a direct response to it, I would lose it, thinking of Brooks and how I’d never see him again. I ended up spending the majority of the day sitting in the car with B, crying my eyes out.

On the way home, we were sitting at a light and a group of soldiers pulled up in an open camouflaged jeep. My windows were down and I was trying to avoid eye contact. I didn’t notice if they were waving to her, but in the rear view mirror I could see her waving to them, full of smiles.

When the light changed to green I started driving. They were still beside me and she was waving up a storm. I reached back and touched her little foot. “B, your daddy was a soldier. One day, I’ll tell you all about him.”

We kept driving until finally we were on the open road with no vehicles near us. Out of nowhere, B started saying the word, ‘daddy’, over and over again. My stomach dropped as she continued to repeat it. By the time we’d made it to Bobby’s shop, she’d fallen asleep, but the damage had been done to my heart.

He climbed in the car and immediately knew that I’d had a terrible day. After leaning over to kiss me, he let his lips linger near my ear. “What’s wrong, baby?”

I grabbed his hand and nestled my face against his. “I just want to go home, put on some pajamas and lay with you, if that’s alright?”

He kissed me slowly, making sure I knew he was perfectly alright with holding me for as long as I needed it. Out of nowhere, things started to heat up in the front seat. Bobb
y had his hand down my pants and had started massaging my sex while our tongues mingled together. I was desperate for his affections to heal my heart and was ready to climb on top of him and make it happen.

Then B woke up. “Mama. Dada
.”

We stopped and looked back at her sitting there, smiling. Bobby gave her all of his attention. “There’s my girl. Did you have a good nap?”

“Out!” She was done being in her car seat and I knew it was time to get home.

It was
weird pulling on our road and seeing the truck sitting there again. Bobby seemed alarmed, but as we approached, it pulled away. Bobby got a license plate number and called the sheriff again. As nervous as I was about it, I stayed focused on finishing what we’d started in the car.

We worked
together, playing with B until she was exhausted and out cold for the night.

Bobby led me into our bedroom and pulled my shirt over my head. He was doing well standing up, but could
n’t do it without help for a long period of time. One of his legs was almost fully healed, while the other was still in pretty bad shape.

I looked into his eyes and pulled off his shirt. “Make love to me.”

He kissed me, sucking on my bottom lip before pulling away. “I love when we’re like this, Katy. I feel like, after all this time, I finally have you.”

I pushed him until he sat down on the bed. My pants and underwear came off next
, and I climbed on top of him. “You do.”

That was all he needed to hear. After removing his pants we got under the covers. Bobby took his time, kissing me in all the right places, while holding both of my hands.
I savored his kisses and the way our hands fit together. Giving myself to Bobby was easy when it was what I wanted. It had taken me a long time to do it, but since I had, I’d discovered that he wasn’t just a wonderful lover. Bobby was an emotional lover, and the more he received himself, the more he gave back. I could feel his love with every kiss and absorbed it into my body as if it were giving me strength to move on.

He let go of me
so that his hands could trace over my skin. With every slip of his hand, my breathing increased. He thumbed my nipples and flicked them with his tongue, causing me to gasp. I was so hot for him and wanted him inside of me, giving me everything he had to offer.

When I knew he was starting to hurt, we switched positions, with me on top. I sat up and released my hair-tie, letting my long strands fall down over my nipples. Bobby licked his lips, watching me run one hand between them. He positioned himself and entered me slowly, never
taking his sexy eyes off of me. We moved in sync, enjoying the feelings that being intimate gave us.

After some time, we lay there naked next to each other. He played with
my hair while kissing on my hand. “Katy, can I ask you somethin’?”

I nodded and smiled, while
running my hand through his thick, dark hair. “Anything.”

“Have a baby with me, darlin’. Let’s give B a sister or brother. I love her as if she were my own, but nothin’ would make me more happy than to have
another one.”

It was one thing that we’d never talked about. I considered the idea for only a few seconds before knowing what my answer would be. After placing a long kiss on his lips, I pulled away and looked him right in the eyes. “Okay.”

Bobby’s smile let me know he was thrilled. “Really? You’d have a baby with me?”

I shoved him playfully. “You’re my husband. We’ve been through Hell and back. I get that it hasn’t been easy being married to me. Things are different now. I can’t live in t
he past and expect to be happy.”

“All I’ve ever wanted was for you to be happy. I know I never told you this, but I knew the first time I met you that you were somethin’ special. After what I’ve done, I never would have expected you to let me back into your life. I get that you did it because I got hurt. No matter what it
was, I’m grateful, Katy. You and B give me all I could ever need.”

I smiled, knowing that if I hadn’t had Bobby, I didn’t know where I’d be. “I’m not going anywhere, you know.”