Love's Suicide: Love's Suicide (18 page)

He pulled me close up against his chest. “Hearin’ that never gets old.”

While playing with the small patch of hair on his chest I smiled, knowing that we had a chance at making a good life together. “Get used to it.”

I knew a baby wouldn’t solve all of my problems, but we were in a good place and I wanted him to know it.

Through our worst of times, Bobby had always done one thing right; being a father.

B was the perfect example of how deep his love could go. I wasn’t making excuses for his violent side, but for some reason I could sympathize with why he felt like it had to go that far. After trying so hard to make me happy, I was basically shoving it in his face that I would never love him. It had to have hurt him intensely. How else would someone feel if the one person they loved unconditionally could never be true to them?

Being in Bobby’s arms was so different than how it used to be. I felt safe and protected
, how a wife should feel. I knew that being pregnant with his child would give him that one thing that he thought he’d never have with me.

I wanted him to know I was fully vested in our family.

Though my heart would always ache for Brooks and what we could have been, I had to believe that he was out there somewhere watching over me and B. Believing that was going to give me the strength to move on.

The only thing standing in the way had been me and I was ready to accept that it was time.

I had to.

Chapter 25

July 4
th
2013

Our town’s annual parade and celebration was in full swing. My almost two year old, B, swung a flag around in her hand as the first group of performers walked by in the parade.

I knew he’d be miserable later, but Bobby was
insistent on walking with just a cane.

I scanned the crowd to try
and find Sarah and Dave. Their daughter was going to be riding on the church float and they went off to get a closer view so they could snap pictures.

Bobby grabbed B and put her on his shoulders when the crowds got too heavy for her to see.
Besides, I felt much better about her being in his arms than on the ground, where she could run off in a second.

I had to say that two years had made a huge difference. I stood next to Bobby and felt
proud of the life we had. Though I still wasn’t pregnant, I was hopeful that we would get good news before the year was over.

B was getting a kick out of the attractions. She clapped and screamed in excitement as she watched, and when the horses ca
me trotting through she started hopping on top of her father’s shoulders. I laughed and snapped a picture, loving the memories that we were making together.

It was astounding
how different my life was going with the help of a good therapist. I guess the reason it was working this time was because I wanted it to. Before, I was incapable of letting go. I wanted to have that piece of hope that I’d be with Brooks again. Now that I knew it would never happen, it had changed my whole outlook on life.

Just like my parents, someone else that I’d love
d was taken too early in their life. This time, I didn’t get a call saying goodbye, not that I think I would even want something like that. I don’t know what I would have done if I heard him in pain or suffering and I hated even imagining it.

That was the
thing that I talked about when I met with my doctor. I still had feelings, even though I was making baby steps at getting on with life.

When people say out of sight out of mind, it isn’t always that easy. I still thought about Melissa and Branch. It wasn’t my business, but I wanted to know how and when they’d gotten together. I wanted to know what he’d done to gain her trust
and earn her undying love. Most of all, I wanted to know when she knew she wanted him.

The night before my nuptials, when all Hell had broke
n loose; she thought she was going to have Brooks. My thoughts now were that maybe she always had a thing for Branch. It was possible that they’d even messed around while we were a couple. It wasn’t like we were compatible. Branch was the worst lover that I’d ever been with, not that I had much to compare him to.

All I knew was that Brooks and Bobby made making love a satisfying experience, where Branch lacked the ability to
satisfy anyone other than himself. If Melissa was okay with that, then it was her loss, not mine.

Bobby turned to look at me with a big smile on his face. We’d been making love almost every night,
hoping that one of those encounters had given us the miracle we desired. I was becoming so content with him and our life together, knowing that if he was all I had for the rest of my life, it would be enough. Given the chance, he’d proven to be exactly who I needed him to be.

A father.

A husband.

A friend.

Just as I turned back toward the parade, I noticed the soldiers and veterans marching by. Then, on a float, were a bunch of disabled vets that had been injured fighting for our country. The crowd got loud with
applause to honor the beautiful men that had risked their lives for the love of American. I got butterflies, hearing the amount of people cheering them on and filling them with such a respectful salute. My heart was heavy as I watched each of them passing by us.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw B waving to them, as if she somehow remembered waving to them in the car a while back. She was dressed in her red
, white and blue outfit, with two curly pigtails in her hair. Out of every child there, I swore she was most beautiful.

As I turned to look up, my mind started playing tricks on me. I swore that a soldier in fatigues looked just like Brooks. He was sitting in the back of
army vehicle with a bunch of other soldiers. It was too fast to make a distinction and he was wearing a hat, so I knew I’d been imagining it. It still didn’t make me feel any better. As much as I tried to block it out, there were reminders all around me that would never go away.

After the parade, we retreated to the area where the food stands had been set up. Bobby insisted on standing in line and getting a funnel cake to share with
B and me. I was reluctant for the reason that I knew she’d be covered in powdered sugar and ruin her pretty clothes, but her dad said all he cared about was her having fun and being happy. What makes a child happier than a handful of sugar?

While we were standing there, I looked around the crowd for people that we knew from town and from church. Everyone was in attendance, and even though our town was small, it was still a huge crowd that came from all around to celebrate.

From a distance I spotted the military truck and the soldiers climbing out of it. I squinted my eyes and attempted to focus enough to spot the guy that reminded me of Brooks.

I followed the group of them walking through the crowds of people and tried to single out each of their faces. From far away they all looked the same, unless they were a different race.

We moved up in our line and my view of them became restricted. I felt like I had to keep looking, as if seeing this guy would reassure me that I was acting and being crazy again. I knew it wasn’t Brooks, but I had to see it for myself.

When four of them came back into view they were getting closer. I caught eyes with each one and didn’t see the guy that had gotten me so worked up.

By the time we got served our drink and dessert, the men had walked by and I was left with disappointment.

We found a spot in the grass and sat down so that our food would cool and B would be comfortable. She played in the grass, picking some and tossing it in the air. A group of balloons had gotten loose and were rising in the blue sky above us. B stood up and pointed to them. When they got up higher, she went running into the crowd of people. I stood up and ran after her, knowing she was going to get knocked down by someone that didn’t see her coming. I could hear Bobby saying something behind me when I caught up to her and snatched her up in my arms. While hugging her and explaining that she couldn’t do that again, I spotted the soldier that I’d been looking for. He had a sling on his arm. From the side he looked so much like Brooks, but with short hair and a hat, anyone could look similar. I smiled and turned to see Bobby coming and reaching for B, and when he grabbed her I flipped my hair and looked over one more time, hoping to see the face of the Brooks look alike.

That’s when everything went
very
wrong
very
fast.

The guy turned, enough for me to see his face and the resemblance was uncanny. He was still far enough away and I knew part of it w
as because I wanted it to be him so much.

I
finally caught eyes with him and felt myself getting dizzy. The next thing I knew I was lying down on the grass with a bunch of people around me. I sat up quickly, looking out frantically for the soldier, but he wasn’t anywhere around me.

This was the second year in a row that I’d passed out over seeing a soldier. I seriously needed mental help.

“Katy, are you alright, darlin’? You passed out?”

I nodded and looked over to see him holding B’s hand. “I don’t know what happened.” I lied.

The truth was that I’d gotten myself so worked up that I made myself believe that Brooks was not only alive, but in the same small town as me, walking around as if nothing had happened.

“Do you want to go home?”

I felt horrible and going home would have been the best medicine, except I wanted B to see the fireworks. “No. I’ll be fine. I didn’t eat all day and I felt dizzy.”

Bobby took B and went to get me something to eat, while I sat under a tree feeling like an idiot.

Sarah came running up, seeing if I was alright. “Girl, what happened to you? Bobby said you collapsed. Are you feelin’ alright? Do you think you’re pregnant?”

“No. I’m not pregnant. I just got my period yesterday.”

“What is it then? Were you feelin’ bad? Do you think it’s the heat?”

It was pretty hot out, but I knew that the weather wasn’t the reason for me losing my head again. “No. I think I’m just going crazy. Sarah, I could have sworn I saw Brooks. I know it wasn’t him and that he’s gone, but I swear it was him.” I started to get upset. “What is wrong with me? Why can’t I just let go? Every time I feel like I’m doing good, something brings me right back down.”

She wrapped her arms around me. “Healin’ takes time, Katy. You of all people should know that. Sometimes, you need to take a deep breath and thank God for all the things you do have in your life.” She pointed to Bobby and B. “You’ve got two people right there that love you to pieces. Maybe instead of dwelling on the things you can’t change, you could focus on the beautiful life you already have.”

I smiled at her. “I do
love them, you know. Bobby’s been my knight in shining armor. Without him I don’t know where I’d be.”

She patted me on the leg. “I’m glad you gave him another chance. He seems real happy.”

I looked up and saw them walking toward me. Bobby smiled and I did too. “We both are.”

They sat down beside me and B had an ice cream that she was licking. “More chocolate?”

Bobby kissed me on the cheek. “Anything for my girl.”

He handed me a sandwich and opened one for himself. Sarah stood up as I bit into mine and savored the pit beef and
barbeque sauce.

“I’ll see you all later.
Dave’s over there buyin’ the kids sparklers. I just know it's a terrible idea, but you know how men are. They've always got to be the ones to buy kids dangerous things, like pellet guns and things that require bein' lit on fire.”

We waved goodbye and I turned my attention back to Bobby. He reached over and
wiped the sauce off of my face. “You feelin’ better?”

I smiled. “Everything’s better when you’re with me.”

I meant it too.

Everything was better.

Chapter 26

July 6
th
, 2013

It had been months since I’d gotten my last letter from Brooks, and I was so sure that there wouldn’t be any more, but two days after my episode at the celebration, I was staring at a letter in my mailbox that had been postmarked in February.

I felt nause
ous.

When I headed inside, and checked on my sleeping daughter, I sat down at the kitchen table staring at it, as if it was my mind playing tricks on me again. How, after all this time had something gotten lost in the shuffle and then reappeared when I was trying so hard to move forward.

Even without opening it, the damage was already apparent. I couldn’t sit there and lie to myself. Assuming that it had gotten lost, why would the Lord be so hard on me? Was I really that bad of a person that I needed to be reminded everywhere I turned that Brooks was dead and he wasn’t coming back? Was it some sign that I was on the wrong path in life? Did God or my parents from up above somehow have other plans for me besides my life with Bobby?

Whatever the case was, I knew that opening the letter was going to destroy
any progress that I’d made.