Love's Suicide: Love's Suicide (21 page)

He smiled. “I just need some time to think, Katy. I promise I’ll be home in the mornin’. If your friend needs to stay, you make sure he stays on
that couch. I can’t promise to keep my cool if I catch him touchin’ you.”

I shook my head, thinking he was insane for implying it. “He won’t be staying.”

Bobby pulled out, leaving me standing in the driveway. I turned to head inside and saw Brooks through the window. He was holding B in his arms and dancing around with her. In all honestly, since I’d never thought I’d ever see the day, a part of me melted. There hadn’t been one day that went by where I didn’t think about the two of them being together. I hated that while Bobby was being torn apart, Brooks was falling in love. It wasn’t fair and I didn’t know how to make things right.

Either way someone was going to get hurt.

There was no happy ending in our future that I could see.

When I headed inside, I mad
e it a point to stay away from Brooks and B. I stood in my kitchen washing dishes, while tears poured down my cheeks. When I thought I’d run out of them, another bout would overwhelm me. I’d never felt so helpless in all of the times where I was lost.

It got quiet and I peeked into the living room to see him rocking back and forth with her falling asleep on his shoulder.

It was the most beautiful thing that I’d ever seen in my life.

My new tears were pain and joy mixed together. Brooks may have hated me, but he’d finally found his purpose in his daughter. No
matter where he went or who he decided to give his heart to, I knew he’d love her forever. Knowing that I gave him that helped me feel a little better.

I ducked back into the kitchen, sitting at the table while thinking about Bobby.

A few moments later Brooks came in and sat down across from me. He was calmer and I was afraid to speak first, in fear of pissing him off.

“I’m sorr
y if I caused you problems, Kat. When you pulled away earlier, I couldn’t stop thinking about her. I had to see her and I wasn’t even thinking that I would be walking into what I did. He didn’t even know I was alive. My God, he looked like he was staring at a damn ghost.”

I kept looking
at my hands, avoiding eye contact with him. “I’m not mad at you for coming. I don’t even think Bobby’s mad. He’s just scared.”

Brooks crossed his arms. “Scared of what?”

“He’s scared of losing B. He was there for me when I found out I was pregnant. He married me so that I could be on his insurance. I suppose he’s been in love with me since then, but it wasn’t until recently that we really started living as a married couple. Now out of nowhere you’re in the picture and no matter how he plays this out in his head he loses.”

“Why would he think that? I told him that all I wanted was to have a relationship with my daughter. I stressed to him that I meant your marriage no harm. My word is t
he truth, Kat.”

I rubbed my face and thought about what to say. Too much was happening all at once and I
needed a breather to sort it all out in my head. “I know, but he doesn’t know you like I do.”

“Look, I’m not here to discuss your marriage. I’m here because I have a right to see my child whenever I want. I have a right to introduce her to my family.
” He pointed at me. “Let me get something clear with you right now. You will not keep me from her ever again. Do you understand me?”

I nodded.

“I can’t believe you did this to me. My God, why? Why would you write me those letters, professing your undying love and devotion to me, when all the while you’re hiding my child from me? How could you ever think that I would be alright with that?”

I shook my
head and scrunched up my face, fighting back tears so I could respond without being a blabbing idiot. “I don’t know. I don’t know why I couldn’t tell you. After the first letter I wanted to. I even told myself that if a second one came I was going to tell you all about her. Then you wrote me back and when I got it all I could think about was being with you again. I knew if I told you about Bobby and B it would change everything and so I got scared. The longer it went, the more scared I became until finally the letters stopped coming. Brooks, you have to believe me. I wanted you to know. I’ve always wanted you to know.”

He ran his hands through hair. “It doesn’t even matter now, does it? We can’t go back. What’s done is done.”

I shrugged. “Yeah. I’m the devil and you wish you never grew up loving me, right?”

“I never said that. Don’t
even make this about you.”

“It is about me, though. It’s about me and my mistakes. It’s about me holding onto some kind of false hope that someday we could ride off into the sunset with our daughter and live happily ever after.”

Brooks chuckled and shook his head. “That’s never going to happen, Kat, not anymore.”

I brought my legs
up to my chest and rested my face on my knees. “I know.”

I figured he’d offer some kind of truce, being that he never wanted to argue with people, but Brooks had nothing to say. I don’t know whether he was even looking at me. I kept my eyes closed and sobbed at the mess I’d made out of all of our lives. I thought about Brooks, having to explain to his parents how I’d had his child and kept it from all them. I imagined their faces when they found out, and then having even more reasons to hate my guts.

No matter what else I focused on, my mind kept coming back to every single mistake that I’d ever made.

Finally
, after a good five minutes passed, he cleared his throat. “I better get going. I need to check in.” He pulled his keys out of his pocket. “I’ve got a lot of figuring out to do, but I’m coming by here once a day to see Brooklyn. You can choose to be here, or arrange to meet me somewhere that I can spend time alone with her. The choice is up to you.”

He started to walk out the door and I followed him. “Brooks, wait.”

I watched him turn around and look at me. He was hurting. I knew him well enough to see it. “Kat, don’t ask me for anything right now. You can’t just throw all this on me and expect us to go back to being the way we were. I’m really biting my tongue from saying what’s on mind. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. I probably have every right to, but I’d like to think I’m better than that. Besides, I’d never want you to feel the betrayal that you’ve made me feel. So, let’s just call it a night and we’ll see if tomorrow it gets easier.”

I closed my eyes. The thought of him hating me was like a million daggers being driven into my heart repeatedly. “For what it’s worth, I think she knows you’re important to her. I could see it when you were holding her. She’s young, Brooks. She’ll never be able to remember a time when you weren’t in her life.”

He let out an air-filled laugh, like I wasn’t worth his time. “She may not remember, but I will. For nearly seven hundred days she’s been here on this earth and I never knew she existed.”

I don’t
know why, but I felt like I needed to defend myself. “You were in another country. Even if you knew, what were you going to do? Would you have escaped the country just to get court marshaled and ordered back? Think about it, Brooks. How hard would it have been for you knowing that I left town with only the clothes on my back? I didn’t know anyone here and then found out I was carrying the child of a man who wasn’t going to return for years. Even if I told you, what would it have changed? You missed contact with her since you got here, which has only been a couple of months, in which if I knew you were here, I would have come to you. So tell me, Brooks. Look at me and tell me how all of this is my fault. You left me too, you know. You left me before we even had a chance. No matter if I would have stayed in that hotel room with you, I would have still watched you leave for Afghanistan and that would have been even harder to do. You think I did all of this to spite you. I did it because I knew that either way I was going to lose you.”

He got up in my face, like he did when were kids.

“Don’t go there. You kept the secret from me.”

“We weren’t even talking!” I reiterated.

“Because you walked out on me, on us.”

“Because you were too much of a pussy to admit that you were in love with me the whole time.”

All of the sudden it got quiet. I could hear the crickets chirping as we stared right into each other’s eyes. “Katy, you knew how I felt,” he whispered.

I shook my head. “No. I didn’t.” I threw my hands up in the air. “We’ve both made mistakes and maybe mine were worse. I can’t change the past. I can’t change that I spent years with your brother. I can’t change
the fact that I ran away from what we had, and I certainly can’t change having our daughter and finding someone to take care of us when you weren’t around. You didn’t have to join the military, Brooks. You could have fought for us too.”

He tightened his lips. “I need to leave.”

I watched him walking toward his truck. “You were always good at walking away.”

He turned around and got right up in my face
again. “I refuse to do this with you tonight, Kat. I’m mad and I need to take some time to calm down. I have a shift in the morning, but I can be here around three. Have my daughter dressed and ready to go.”

“You’re not taking her without me.”

He threw his hands up. “Great! Why don’t you invite your husband so we can be one big happy family?”

I was
so frustrated with him. “I don’t know why I ever loved you!”

He laughed. “I feel the same way.”

It didn’t sink in that I’d said it until he was all the way down the driveway. I sat down on the step and watched him brake. I was already crying, regretting saying something so horrible to him, especially knowing that I’d never felt that way about him.

All of the sudden he was backing up his truck and getting out. I stood up and prepared to
be bitched out again. We were face to face and he was furious. “Take it back.”

I had to keep myself from laughing at his comment. “No!”

He scratched his head. “You see, I can’t go to bed mad, so I’m not leaving until you take it back.”

I crossed my arms over my chest. “I guess you’re going to be standing here for a while then.”

“You know, I could be a real dick right now if I wanted to be.”

“Who said you aren’t
already?”

He laughed. “Some things never change I see.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” My hands went right to my hips.

“You can’t lie to my face. You never could.”

I threw both hands in the air surrendering. “Fine! I don’t wish I never loved you. Are you happy now?”

He started walking away with a smile on his face, in the midst of still being angry with me. He never turned around when he spoke. Not that he needed to. I could hear him just fine.
“Our daughter is beautiful, Kat, just like I always knew our kids would be. Have her ready tomorrow. I’ll be here at three thirty, and we’re going out, with or without you.”

Chapter 30

As anyone could have imagined, I didn’t get any sleep.

I tossed and turned until my head was going to explode. When I knew my frustrations and angst had gotten the best of me, I called Bobby, hoping he would pick up.

“Hello?” He sounded awake.

“Please come home.”

“Katy, it’s nearly three in the mornin’, babe. I’ll be home in a few hours. Did somethin’ happen? Are you alright?”

It made me cry more knowing that he was concerned about me, when I should have been asking him the same thing. “I don’t even know how I am. Are you okay?”

He sighed. “I’ve just been sittin’ up thinkin’ about things. It all still seems like it’s not real. One day he’s gone and then the next he’s at our front door. It don’t help that he appears to be a straight up nice guy. I still want to hate him, though.”

I laughed through my tears. “I can understand why.”

“It’s not just that he’s always been that one guy that you’ll never get over. I sat with him for a good bit and could see how torn up he was over all of this. I should have pushed you to tell him, because if I were in his shoes, I’d want to know my little girl, too.”

I was quiet for a few minutes, already settled on the fact that I’d done all of this. Both of the men in my life were torn up and I was to blame. “
Bobby, I want you to come home. You never should have left. Brooks didn’t even stay for more than an hour. He put B to sleep and said goodbye. Not that I blame him, I said some pretty shitty to things him.”

“Katy, you’re both goin’ to need to sit down and straighten it all out, whether I’m there or not. You’ve got sixteen years left that you’ll have to share your daughter. If you think this i
s all goin’ to get better on its own, you’re blindly mistaken, darlin’.”

“
I know. Brooks is hard to explain. Right now he hates me for what I did, but I know he’d never hurt me. I don’t know why and I’ve never asked him, but he doesn’t like to hold grudges when it comes to me. Brooks was always the one person who would protect me.”

“You do realize that you kept his child from him. Somethin’ like that can change a man, you know?”