Love's Suicide: Love's Suicide (23 page)

“Bug? You nicknamed our daughter already?”

He shrugged and smiled with a full mouth of those stunning white teeth. “I couldn’t help it. She’s my little B.”

We sat down on a bench next to each other so we could watch her enjoying herself. Right
away she was following around two little girls that looked to be a couple years older than her.

“So, I had a lot to think about when I left last night. I think the first
thing that needs to be addressed is my parents. Look, Kat, I don’t care about my brother, but Mom and Dad need to meet her. I get that you’re going to be mad, but I asked them come visit next weekend. I hope you don’t already have plans.”

I started to open my mouth and make something up, knowing how them finding out was going to add to the stress of the situation. Then I retracted those thoughts. I’d had two years to love my sweet girl and they didn’t even know she existed. They would love her and do anything to be a part of her life. Keeping them from knowing would only hurt her in the long run and I didn’t want that. “
I guess I’ll talk to Bobby and see if we can drop her off to you. Are you able to baby proof your house? Do you even live in a house or an apartment?”

Brooks laughed. “I live on base for now. There’s family housing available and I filled out the forms while I was on shift this morning. If everything goes the way it should, I may be able to move into something in the next seven days. I had to explain my situation to my commanding
officer, but given the importance, he said he can pull some strings. “So, you’d have a whole house?”

“It’s like a duplex. Two small houses connected. Some are one bedroom and some go up to three. I can also live off base, provided I can find
something affordable and close. I’m not going to rush into anything. My parents won’t care what my living conditions look like.”

I don’t know why I would do it, but I blurted out a solution to make their stay comfortable. “They can come to my house. Bobby still owns another house, so we’ll go there for the weekend. The house is already baby proofed and B will be comfortable.”

“Wow. That’s pretty generous of you. Are you doing this to kiss my ass?” I sensed a hint of sarcasm in his question.

“Is it working?”

He laughed and shook his head and then, at the same time I was looking at him, he looked at me. My stomach began to twirl around, as if I was in high school, crushing on a boy.

Brooks smiled. “I’m still mad, but some of the things you said last night were true. Knowing you were pregnant and alone would have been torture for me. It doesn’t make what you did right, but I don’t know if I could have handled not being able to get to you.”

I could feel our conversation getting deep. Thankfully, B came up and grabbed Brooks’ hand. “Pay wit me.”

I watched a g
rown man melt. He ducked down and walked at her level. Seeing them, watching them interacting as if they’d known each other forever made me feel so happy.

After a few minutes, when it was apparent that Brooks wouldn’t fit in all of the crawling
tubes, he came back over and sat next to me. “Is she always so playful?”

“Unless she’s in grumpy mood. Then she won’t want anything to do with you.”

I had my hand on the bench seat, sort of leaning forward. Brooks put his hand down to adjust himself. When his hand touched mine my heart reacted. I looked at him and he looked at me. In that moment I could feel it happening; that pull toward him that I’d had for as long as I could remember.

He pulled his hand away. “Sorry.”

I looked forward. “Yeah, so that was weird.”

We didn’t look at each other.

He cleared his throat. “Your husband seems nice. Does he make you happy?”

The last person that I wanted to talk to about Bobby was Brooks. “He’d do anything for me.”

Brooks turned to look at me. “So, you’re happy? Well, before all this happened I mean.”

His eyes were
mesmerizing me, making me think that the things he was asking were loaded with intent. “Yeah, I guess. We’ve had our problems. Bobby had an accident at work and his legs were both broken. It’s taken him a long time to be able to get himself mobile again.”

“I guess I just want to know if he gives you everything you need, because for all the years that I’ve been away, I somehow believed that I was the only person that could be all that you wanted.”

Was he being cocky?

I couldn’t tell.

B ran by, carrying on with a little boy her age. I smiled, thinking about it reminded me of Brooks. “Do you remember how I used to follow you like that?”

“I remember chasing you.
”

I knew he was waiting for me to answer, albeit I couldn’t bring myself to.

“Kat, all of this feels like some sort of out of body experience to me. I’ve got a two-year-old daughter and you’re married to someone else. I feel like at any second I’m going to wake up and it will have all been a wonderful dream.”

I finally looked into those baby blues. “It’s real. I’ve been living this life for almost three years now. I can assure you that you’re not going to wake up.”

He leaned in close to me, so nobody else could hear us. “Then I just need to know one thing.”

“What?”

“You’re not going to like it. It’s just really been bothering me.”

“Say it.” Our conversation wouldn’t go anywhere if he didn’t spit it out.

“Did you ever consider having an abortion?” He threw his hands up before I could scream at him. “I’m asking because you were all alone. You knew I wasn’t coming home for years and that you’d have to raise the child yourself. I keep trying to make sense of everything. I won’t be mad if you did. Looking at what we made was the most fulfilling kind of feelings I’ve ever experienced, but I get that you were alone and scared. So tell me, Kat. How did you know you were going to be okay?”

My answer was simple. I didn’t even need to think about it. “
I never considered terminating the pregnancy, Brooks.” I looked over at our daughter who was still smiling and enjoying her day. “Because no matter where you were, I knew I had a piece of you growing inside of me. Giving that up was never a question.” I looked right at him, finally able to face my fears and be honest. “That night we spent together in that hotel room was the second best night of my life.”

I could tell that I’d affected him. “What was your first?”

“The day I gave birth to your daughter.”

Brooks closed his eyes and leaned his head down. His hand reached over and touched my knee. He squeezed it and kept it placed there
. “I can’t stop loving you, Kat,” he whispered.

It took my breath away and I think he knew it too. He finally looked up at me and smiled. I smiled back, unable to respond. Those words, those heart pounding five words
echoed in my mind.

I couldn’t say it back, because giving
Brooks my heart meant I was shattering Bobby’s, the man who’d taken care of me and B. I couldn’t do that to him.

Chapter 32

For the rest of the time we were at the indoor play
park Brooks didn’t ask me anything too concerning. He wanted to know about life, jobs I’d had and where I’d lived. He asked me about my friends and told me about some of his.

We took B out for dinner to get her chicken nuggets and fries. I knew we’d been out a while, but I couldn’t get enough of seeing the two of them together. Every once in a while I’d catch eyes with Brooks and get those waves of excitement. If that wasn’t bad enough, it seemed like he wanted to get a rise out of me.

After a couple hours of talking, it felt like our friendship was back intact. We had a bunch of issues to overcome, but our bond was still there. B starting yawning halfway through her meal. I knew our day was going to come to an end soon and it hurt knowing that we’d have to say goodbye.

Brooks picked up the check for our food, insisting that he somehow owed me so much more.
I’d never expected, nor would I ever ask him for child support. We’d share responsibilities for our daughter, even if we weren’t ever together as a couple.

Once we paid and got in the car, it only took B five minutes to fall asleep. Brooks had offered to drive to give me break, even though he was the one that hadn’t slept. We’d been driving for a good ten minutes before he pulled over in a gas station parking lot. When he didn’t get out, I knew he had something to say. “What is it?”

Brooks turned to look at me. He wasn’t crying and didn’t seem upset, but something was off. “You know, I kept your letters, even after I moved back home and found out you had a family. I don’t know why, but I couldn’t come to terms with throwing them away, because it felt like I was throwing away our love.” He looked directly into my eyes and brushed the back of his hand over my cheek. I closed my eyes when he did it. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to be feeling Kat, but when I’m with you, I feel like nothing has changed between us. Now we have a little girl. I mean, Jesus Christ, we made a baby together. She’s so freaking perfect, too. I look at her and I see both of us. I can’t be angry with you, because all I wanted for so long was to be a part of your life again. I get that you’re married and he makes you happy. I can respect that. I won’t push or ask you for something that you can’t give me, but I have to know the truth. I have to know if what you said to me in all those letters was true. Do I still have your heart, or did you already give it to someone else? When you look at me do you see me as a threat or is it something entirely different? Kat, I can’t see you every single day and not want to touch you. It’s been one and I’m already freaking out, because I’m having to take you home. Just tell me to back off.”

I reached over and touched his injured arm. He looked at me and I leaned in closer. I could feel his breath on my face and a hint of his cologne. I
didn’t want to cheat on my husband, or say things that would cause more harm than good.

It had been
twenty-four hours since Brooks came back into my life and in that time I’d experienced every kind of emotion. I was mentally and physically drained and he was too.

We were so close.

My eyes started to close, as if I was letting myself fall from a high building. He wanted to know and I had to tell him. “I’m not afraid of you Brooks. I know you’d never hurt me. You love her already, I can see it in your eyes. I’ve watched you holding her and falling for her. Somehow she already knows you’re special.”

“You’re avoiding my question.”

“You don’t want the truth.”

He looked away, assuming the truth was that I didn’t want him. “I think you just said it.”

He pulled out of the parking lot and headed in the direction of my house. Every couple of seconds he would clench his jaw, meaning he was holding his tongue from saying something he would regret. Sometimes I hated that I knew him so well.

When we turned onto the road where my house was on, he finally decided to address our upcoming schedule. “So tomorrow, can I come by the same time?”

“Yeah. It’s Sunday. We usually go to church, but we’re back before one. You can come over anytime after that.”

“And you’re going to tell Bobby about my parents coming?”

“Yes, but just so you know, the house is mine. I had it built when I was separated from Bobby. It was part of my trust money. I own it free and clear.”

Brooks looked at me real quick with a smile on his face. “I should have known you’d spend it wisely. Your mom and dad would be happy about that.”

“I think so too. They’d want B to have a home that she loved. I always loved where we lived. The only hard part was watching another child moving in after they were gone. Hopefully B won’t have to deal with something so tragic.”

Brooks agreed, “Yeah. You don’t have to worry about me going anywhere. Due to my injury, I’m no use in the field. All I do nowadays is train recruits on procedures. I feel more like a school teacher than a soldier.”

“You’re safe. That’s all I care about.”

I looked out the window, realizing we only had a few more minutes together. “It’s going to be nice seeing you again every day. I really missed you.”

I touched his arm. “I missed you, too.”

He pulled into the driveway and I s
aw Bobby’s truck. He was home waiting for his girls to arrive. I knew I couldn’t stand around talking to Brooks, so I had to grab B and go inside.

Brooks hopped out of the driver’s seat. He opened the back door and started unfastening her
clips. It took him a few seconds to figure the buttons, but he managed to do it with little effort. When he climbed out of the back, he was holding her and kissing her on the cheek.

Then I heard him say something so beautiful. “I love you, bug.”

I tried to hold back my emotions, knowing it would upset Bobby if I went inside crying.

Brooks handed me our daughter and started to walk toward his truck. He came running back just as I’d turned around, forgetting to give me my keys. When our hands touched I felt that electric jolt hitting me again. Our eyes met and instead of saying goodbye, I said something entirely different.
“I meant every word that I wrote in those letters, Brooks. I could never completely give my heart away, not when it was with you the whole time.”