Love's Suicide: Love's Suicide (22 page)

“Yes, but even tonight, he started to walk away angry and didn’t leave until he had calmed down.”

Bobby stopped talking. I half expected him to have fallen asleep, being that it was in the wee hours
of the morning.

“Are you there?”

“Katy, I think I shouldn’t come home for a while. Maybe you need to get things figured out first.”

“What? What are you talking about?”

“The reason that man can’t hurt you is because he loves you.”

I shook my
head even though I knew he couldn’t even see me. “No. He’s over feeling something like that for me. B was the last straw for him.”

Bobby chuckled. “Katy, open your eyes. He’s back from the dead. Don’t tell me you haven’t thought about bein’ with him. You forget sometimes how well I know you.”

“It won’t happen. I’m married to you, Bobby.”

The line was quiet again. “Yeah, you are. For now.”

It hurt to hear him say that. My love for Brooks was forever, but it didn’t mean that I would ever want to hurt Bobby and end my marriage. Life didn’t work out the way we wanted it to. Mine had been filled with heartache for as long as I could remember. It wasn’t going to magically fix itself.

“
I promise you that I’m not going anywhere. You may not believe me, but I love you, Bobby. I owe you so much and I want you to be able to come home knowing that we’re in this together.”

I meant what I s
aid. I wanted him home with me.

“Are you sure it’s what you want?” I hated that he couldn’t accept I was sincere.

“Yes. Come home to me and B. We need you.”

After we’d hung up, I went and stood at the door, waiting for Bobby to pull down our long driveway. I think it pleased him to see me standing there watching out for him.

As soon as he took that last step onto the porch, I was outside wrapping my arms around him.

He pulled away and brushed the hair away from my face. “Let’s get you inside.”

I held Bobby’s hand as we walked to the bedroom. We were both too exhausted to change into pajamas. I stripped down to my underwear and climbed under the covers, watching Bobby do the same thing. He pulled me close against his chest and ran his fingertips over the skin on my back. “I’m scared of losing you, Katy. It’s not even of question of if. It’s a question of when. I’m not a fool. No matter how much you love me, he’s still the one. He always will be. I can’t compete and I’m thinkin’ that I’d rather pull myself out of the game before you yank it all away from me.”

I sat up and looked into his pain stricken eyes. “Don’t talk like that. Please, Bobby. Close your eyes and hold me. It’s you that I wanted to be with tonight, not Brooks.”

Bobby sighed, but right away I could hear him crying. It hurt me so much knowing that no matter how much I tried to deny it, my feelings for Brooks weren’t going to go away. It was important to be true to my husband, but if Brooks wanted me, I didn’t know if I’d be able to reject him. Knowing that killed me and I vowed to do whatever it took to spare my marriage. After all, B deserved to have both of her daddies in her life. That I was sure of.

She woke us up at about eight, after s
leeping for only a few hours. I left Bobby in bed so that he could sleep in while taking her out into the kitchen to give her breakfast. She was such a happy little girl, always smiling and filling me with joy. It was good that she was still so young though, because I’d never want her to have to go through all of this while understanding the seriousness of it all. Besides, she’d end up hating me for it and I never would want that to happen.

I noticed she was looking all around the house and turned to look behind me, thinking Bobby had woken up. “What is it pretty girl?”

“Where man, Mama?”

My stomach twirled around hearing her asking where Brooks had gone. Of course, when she’d fallen asleep he was with her and now he’d vanished. In her eyes she probably assumed he was magic, like some of her cartoons.

“He went bye byes.”

She turned and looked out the window.

“Sweetie, he’ll be back later. You’re going to be seeing him every day. How exciting is that? Mama’s so happy for you.”

My daughter turned and her eyes were lit up with excitement. She’d only known him for several hours and already she was
infatuated with him.

I heard Bobby cough and turned to see him standing there behind me. The sheer pain in his face brought me to the brink of emotional despair. He’d heard what I’d said to B and it had broken his heart even more than it
already was and I didn’t know what to say or do to make it better.

Without
a single word, he took his cup of coffee and walked out of the room, leaving me to sit there and regret ever talking about Brooks to his daughter.

After she was
done shoveling eggs and bananas into her mouth, I washed B’s face and let her out of her chair. She went running into the room, looking for her dada. I heard him get excited when he saw her and I walked in to find him rolling on the floor with her. She was laughing and holding him as he playfully tickled her belly.

Then, all of the sudden he stopped. Bobby just lay there staring at B. He brushed her face w
ith the back of his hand. “Dada loves B so much.”

B giggled
. “B lob Dada.”

Her sentences were getting better, but
her pronunciation was still hard to decipher at times. Still, that was as clear as day.

She touched his whiskered face and he lost it.

His head fell onto her body and he sobbed like I’d never seen a man do. He turned and looked at me, his eyes soaked with anguish. “I don’t want to lose you. Dada loves you with all his heart.”

Finally, when it became confusing for B, I had to literally pull him away from her. He
seated himself down in a recliner, while she followed us and climbed on his lap. I sat on the chair next to them and watched her wiping away his tears. “No cry.”

She was so confused and didn’t like seeing him in pain. Watching her responding to his emotions was heartbreaking.
I wished I knew a way to make it all disappear, but I didn’t. To make matters ten times worse, Brooks was going to be showing up in the afternoon to take her somewhere and I hadn’t even told him that part yet.

He was at a breaking point, so fragile and yet so destructive bottled into one man. At any moment he was going to lose it and I feared the outcome.

I could deal with emotional Bobby, but I couldn’t deal with the side of him that filled with rage. If it peeked its ugly head out, it would change everything.

I had to keep him in the loop, and feeling like he was a part of all of this. Our happiness depended on it and I wasn’t going to take it lightly. The three of us adults had an opportunity to give our little girl the best life possible, if we could work together.

“Bobby, why don’t you go back to sleep for a while? You’re so tired and there’s nothing going on this morning that’s important.”

“You trying to get rid of me,” he joked.

“Of course not.” I reached over and stroked his thick dark hair. “I just know when I’m tired my emotions get crazy. If you were better rested you’d see that both of your girls are right here where we belong.”

Bobby looked at B when he spoke. “I’d rather you go and get some rest. Me and B are goin’ to watch cartoons for a while, aren’t we?”

She shook her head and got excited when he grabbed the remote.

I stood up, knowing he wasn’t going to change his mind. If he wanted alone time with her, I was going to give it to him. After all, when he found out Brooks was coming to do the same thing, he’d be happy knowing he had her all morning.

I leaned over and kissed him on the head. “If you need me, just call.”

He grabbed my hand and I stopped. “When’s he comin’ again? Did he talk about it?”

I looked down at the floor, hoping to wait out on telling him. “He said something about coming this evening. I think he said around three thirty. He wanted to take B to the park if it was nice, but I told him he wasn’t taking her anywhere without me or you there.”

He raised his one brow. “You said me?”

I smiled, remembering Brooks suggesting in a joking way that we all tag along. “Yes,” I lied. I hated myself for doing it, but I knew it put his mind at ease.

Bobby said nothing.

“We could just meet him there if you want.”

He shook his head. “No. I’ll stay here. You can go and make sure she don’t get scared. He is still a stranger.”

I understood what he meant, but hated that’s what he was to her. It was about to change.

When I climbed back into my bed my head was pounding. Bobby was probably cussing me out in his mind and Brooks, even though he seemed calmer, wanted my head on a stake. I was tired of crying, knowing it got me nowhere.

Just like B learning something new, I had to learn to take baby steps. I had to be patient and kind if I wanted this to all work out. For the sake of my daughter and my family, I had to put my feelings for Brooks aside and focus on everyone else. I was the glue that was going to hold it all together and I wasn’t willing to lose any of them in the process.

Chapter 31

“Katy, wake up.”

I sat up in the bed and saw Bobby standing at the door. “What time is it?”

“Around three forty. Brooks is here.”

I jumped out of bed, scrounging around for clothes. “Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”

“You needed your rest. Besides, he’s got B outside and said he’d wait if you wanted to go with him.”

I stopped what I was doing and looked at him. “What should I do? I won’t go if you don’t me to.”

Bobby scratched his head. “It’s fine, Katy. I’d rather you be there.”

I pulled on a pair of shorts and rushed to find a shirt. “When I get home, I can bring us a pizza.”

“You probably won’t be back for a while. I’ll make somethin’ here.”

I felt so bad, knowing that he was going to be sitting at home, consumed with hurt. “Are you sure you don’t want me to stay?”

“I’m sure. If B gets scared she’s goin’ to need you there.”

I ran into the bathroom, to use the facilities and brush my teeth. When I came back out, Bobby was sitting on the bed with his face covered. I walked up and wrapped my arms around him. “If you need
anything, you let me know by calling.”

He nodded, but said nothing as I walked out the door.

Part of Bobby’s problem was that he was exhausted. He needed to rest and would probably go to sleep as soon as I was gone. By the time I got back he would be feeling better and we could have a rational conversation about how the afternoon had gone with Brooks and B.

Upon going outside, I spotted Brooks pushing our daughter on her favorite swing. She was fastened up in
it so she couldn’t slide out. She didn’t even notice me standing there. No, she was too occupied with her new friend to notice her own mother waving.

Brooks however, noticed m
e right away. I watched his jaw clench as I got closer. “Hey. Sorry about that. I didn’t get much sleep last night.”

I heard him let out an air-
filled laugh. “You think I could sleep? Kat, I just found out that I have a kid. Every aspect of my life is about to change. Sleep is the last thing that’s on my mind.”

I didn’
t know what to say to that. “So would it be easier if I drove, since I have the car seat in my car already?”

He stopped the swing and started getting B out. “Yeah, if you don’t mind.”

I walked to the car figuring he would follow me over. He sat her down in the seat and looked at all of the fasteners. “I might need your help. I’ve never done this before.”

I rolled my eyes, laughing at his inexperience
. “There’s a lot of things you’re going to have to learn.” I hooked B up and pointed to the travel bag that I kept in the car. She didn’t need formula or bottles, but when duty called I knew I had to have diapers and wipes on hand. Though she’d been using her little potty more frequently, she hadn’t conquered the whole potty training thing.

He climbed
in the passenger seat and we were soon on our way. “So where are we going?”

“Is there a park nearby?”

“There are several. If you really want to see B smile, we should take her to the indoor play park. She gets a kick out of climbing through the tunnels and going down the slides.”

Brooks gave B his attention as I was driving, and to be honest, I didn’t know what to say to him. This had all come out so sudden that we all needed to remain calm and not jump into any decisions.

I could tell that Brooks wasn’t used to being around kids when we walked inside of the play park. Screaming kids were running around like crazy animals. With his one good arm, he held onto B, like he wasn’t willing to put her down in the madness.

I laughed at him and reached for her. “Come on sweet girl. You want to go play?”

“Mama, slide. I go slide.”

Brooks smiled when she spoke. “Have fun
, little bug.”