Lucas: The Hunter Brothers Series (32 page)

I
stayed where I was; motionless and trying to steady my breathing, listening to
Lucas clothe
himself
before he finally picked me up,
dressing me slowly and chuckling softly as he put my ruined panties in the
pocket of his suit. He kissed my forehead, smiling gently as I looked up at him
in awe. He had punished my mind and punished my body and the two feelings were
in absolute contrast to one another. If one had been hell, the other had been
heaven and I knew I was in too deep.

He
came to sit next to me as I curled up against him, needing the closeness as
much now as I had the moment I’d walked into the office, leaning against his
solid chest as my mind went back to the troubling words he’d said before desire
consumed our senses.

“What
did you mean when you said it wouldn’t work?” I asked, looking up at him as he
smiled.

 
“You’re making me change all my rules, lady. You
said you don’t feel secure and I’ve been thinking about what you might need to
ensure that isn’t the case. This agreement is unusual for you. I understand
that, and wondered if it might help if we included some more ‘normal’ pursuits
in our arrangement,” he said, rolling his tongue around the word. I giggled at
his serious face, wondering what more
‘normal’
pursuits he had in mind.

“What’s
funny?” he asked as I quirked an eyebrow at him.

“Your face for one!
You look
like you’re about to face the firing squad,” I quipped. I had never seen Lucas
look this pensive.

“Maybe
I am,” he laughed before throwing me a huge white panty-dropping smile that had
my heart flipping all over my chest and butterflies erupting in my stomach in
excitement and anticipation at what was coming next.

“We
will see each other outside the office and the club,” he said eventually and I
could see how difficult it was for him to do that.

 
“Why? I thought you wanted to
compartmentalise,” I said as he shifted uncomfortably, his uncharacteristic
awkwardness was endearing and I watched him carefully.

“I
want you to feel secure, Jess,” he said firmly as I shook my head.

“I
just need to know that Roberta isn’t in the picture sexually and you told me
she isn’t. I believe you. The abstinence thing threw me off. I wasn’t expecting
it and I didn’t react well. You don’t have to do this,” I said as he frowned
deeply, eyes darkening.

“You’re
right. I don’t
have
to do anything. I
want to do it,” he said as I laughed gently.

 
“Lucas, my life outside the club and work
revolves around Dexter, you know that,” I said, frowning as he smiled.

“Yes,
Jess, I do,” he said. He was offering me something that was difficult for him,
and he knew in return that I would have to offer the same.

This
was the shiny little cherry on a headfuck sundae and I had no idea where we
were going with it. My mind was all over the place and the thought of Lucas
having even more control over my life was sending my head and stomach swirling
in a thousand different directions. He hadn’t asked me to be his girlfriend or
anything, just told me what would be happening.

“No,
I’d rather keep things as they are,” I said quickly with as much conviction as
I could muster. This was seriously taking things up a level and I had more than
me to consider. It was too much, too soon. He was staring at me intently as I
shook my head.

“I
want you in my life, Lucas, but this week almost destroyed me. I’ve come to
terms with the contract, but it’s taking me time to adjust. I haven’t done this
before and I’m trying to learn, but you’re changing the rules already.
 
If you’re talking about time outside then that
has to involve Dexter, and I can’t put my child’s heart on the line. He’s never
had a strong male influence in his life and he would become way too attached,
much too quickly,” I said as he nodded.

“You
have my word that I won’t hurt Dexter. I appreciate that this is difficult, but
I believe it’s what you need to feel secure. With your son I’ll take your
guidance on what is and is not acceptable, but this will happen, Jess,” he said
as I swallowed hard.

“So
you’re telling me, not asking me,” I said as he smirked slightly and I shook my
head.

“And
you’ll follow my guidance, will you? I doubt that, Lucas. You’re not the kind
of man who follows anyone’s guidance on anything,” I said as his smirk
broadened.

“Perhaps,
sweetheart, but this is one area where Mummy calls the shots,” he grinned. I
couldn’t help the giggle that burst from my lips from his use of the word
‘Mummy’, but my smile quickly faded. I wasn’t about to be pushed into something
I wasn’t ready for, and I wasn’t sure why. No doubt this would be a huge
mistake and I’d end up analysing my decision endlessly, but I knew in my gut
that the time wasn’t right.

“You
might want to know that your constant coming back at me, turning me down and
telling me no, only makes me desire it more. My need to dominate you,
sweetheart, is almost overwhelming. When you tell me you don’t want it, I fill
with a burning desire to make you need it; admit that you do want it; want me.
The challenge licks at me like an insatiable flame, making my need to possess
you even more intense. So if you’re telling me to slow down here, you should be
warned that by rejecting my advances, you are throwing down a challenge just as
impossible for me to refuse as when you lay there, open and vulnerable and
begging me to make you come.”

My
eyes flashed wide as his words sunk in. A huge part of me was elated, a bigger
part was worried and it was written all over my face.

“You
should look frightened, Jess, because this is frightening. I’m telling you I
need it all; want you to unravel at the very core of your being and turn
everything over to me.”

 
“So you can dominate me?”

He
smiled at me softly, holding my face in his hand, shaking his head gently. “No.
So I can protect you and adore you, worship you and understand what makes you
tick. I want to bring happiness and need to your heart, Jess, not crush it.
You’re holding onto fear, building walls and closing down. I don’t want to smash
down those walls, I want you to create a door and invite me in. My desire is to
set that fear free.”

My
heart was dancing at his words, flipping all over my chest. If I understood him
right, this was more than the contract, more than our arrangement, much, much
more. The thought both terrified and delighted me, but it wasn’t just about me
and I needed time to process his words. There was so much at stake here.

This
was his game, his rules and I hadn’t figured out the whole situation well
enough to jump in any deeper. I was drowning in affection for this man as it
was. If I gave up any more, I’d be out of my depth. Worse still, that thought
was intoxicating. Sinking into Lucas Hunter’s unique brand of desire would be
thrilling, and I’d have happily sacrificed my lifejacket and waded into the
darkness with a happy heart if it was only me. But it wasn’t, and nor would it
ever be.

“I
can’t, Lucas.” I said as he nodded once, brushing his lips against my forehead.
He turned away and moved back to his desk, answering his ringing phone without
looking back up. I took that as my cue to leave and stood to make my way
dejectedly out of his office, wondering if I’d just fucked things up and
whether my arse would ever feel normal again.

“You
sulk more than my five year old,” I muttered as he fixed me with a steely
glare, still with the phone to his ear and I knew I’d probably wound him up
even more, but hell, I’d been looking forward to today so much and our reunion
had been incredible. Now I just felt like shit.

Lucas
didn’t like being told no, and I was quickly learning that his usual response
was to shut down. It was even more reason to keep the compartmentalisation.
There was no doubt I’d have to tell him ‘no’ constantly when it came to Dexter
and the very thought made me miserable.

My
mood hadn’t improved as I made the long journey home, staring at my fellow
commuters and wondering suddenly how my life had become so damned complicated. I
wanted the warmth of Lucas and I’d missed it the moment he walked away. There
were so many things to consider that I couldn’t make that decision rashly. My
heart wanted it and so did a big part of my head, but he’d already decided.

In
the bedroom that was his prerogative, but not with Dexter, however tempting his
offer might be. I also wasn’t sure what ‘normal’ meant. Perhaps I should have
asked, but the fact that he’d told me and not asked me was a major clue. He
hadn’t excluded the prospect of more in the contract, but I knew what this
relationship was. He had access to my body however he wanted, three times a
week at the club. He’d already moved those boundaries when he’d fucked me in
the office. I was prepared to try anything sexually and the range was vast.

I
spent three times a week, wondering whether I’d be subject to a fantasy kidnap
scenario, being silenced with a ball gag, tied up with rope or being hit with a
flogger, a cane or a whip. I had no idea what was coming and it was all Lucas’s
decision. He initiated all contact, could withhold it at will and the thought
of that extending to dating would be just too much. I didn’t have the freedom
to just drop everything at Lucas’s will and nor did I want to.

 
Normality for me would mean dating on an even
footing, but that wouldn’t be Lucas’s plan. He was in control, that was what he
did and I couldn’t imagine ‘normal’ would mean ‘normal’ at all. But his words
span around my head. It wasn’t domination, it was adoration and worship;
breaking down my walls and opening up my heart. I’d given so much already, but
he still wanted more.

I’d
walked that road before, suffering the agonising and devastating loss and my
heart had never fully recovered. I didn’t think anything could be more intense
than Jake and I, but this was. It was a lust driven by my body that had turned
into so much more. Lucas wanted the friendship, the openness, the sharing of
secrets and fears long buried. He wanted to set me free, but by doing so he
would capture me even further and that would be a scary leap of faith, and not
one I could rush into blindly.

As
Dex played in his room with his Lego, I slumped back on the couch, the
conversation playing over and over in my mind, constantly checking my phone to
see if he’d called. He hadn’t and I couldn’t call him.

 
Chas walked in, taking one look at my face and
stared down at me, sticking her hands pointedly on her hips and pursing her
lips in irritation.

 
I was about to get lectured.

“I’m
sick of this shit, Jess. You’ve been a miserable bitch all week. You need to
end this thing with the dickwad, it’s making you really unhappy,” she said as I
gazed up at her, shaking my head, but she wasn’t stopping there.

“I
don’t understand you. You’re a smart girl. He gets to chain you up in his
dungeon and whip you senseless, or whatever he does and you get nothing. If he
cared about you, Jess, he’d want more than that. He’s a selfish bastard who
just wants to fuck you at his convenience while you sit here crying yourself to
sleep and looking like your worlds about to end. He’s hot and he’s rich, but
that isn’t everything. Seriously, Sis, you need to rethink this and find
someone who deserves you,” she said, sitting next to me and putting a
comforting arm around my shoulder.

“It’s
not Lucas who doesn’t want more, Chas, it’s me,” I said as she stared at me
incredulously before sitting back and eyeing me with a narrow gaze.

“You’d
better not be making excuses for him,” she spat as I laughed softly, shaking my
head.

“He
wants more. He’d like to see me outside the office and the club. He wants to ensure
I feel secure,” I said as she blinked three times for effect, her mouth hanging
open.

“And
you’ve turned that down WHY?” she asked, her voice dripping with disbelief.

“Because
of Dex,” I said as she frowned at me.

“That
makes no sense, Jess.” It did to me.

“It’s
hard to explain. Chas. Lucas has a really dominant personality and I love
giving up the lead and being told what to do. I know whatever happens he’ll
protect me and I adore that – it feels sublime.”

“You
do know that you’ve just set the feminist movement back about a hundred years,
Jess,” she quipped, shaking her head. I didn’t see it that way.

“Surely
being a feminist means doing things the way I want to. I don’t see any
progression if it’s just a woman telling me how to behave, instead of a man. It
should be about choice and when I’m with Lucas I don’t crave my independence, I
want the opposite. I yearn to need him and I desire the passion and direction
he gives me. Telling him what to do would just make me miserable. It’s fine for
me the way things are. The separation helps. I worry if I let him into my life
with Dex, I’ll start to hand over control outside the bedroom and I can’t
afford to do that,” I said as she frowned at me. She’d never had this kind of
relationship and I knew it was difficult for her to understand.