Making the Connection: Strategies to Build Effective Personal Relationships (Collection) (58 page)

As with all troublesome patterns, it is a matter of degree. For example, Theodore Millon describes gradations of the component he calls perfectionism that range from
adaptive (“I take pride in what I do”), to disordered (“I can’t stop working on something until it’s perfect, even if it already satisfies what I need it for”), to severely disordered (“because nothing is ever good enough, I never finish anything”).
²⁰
DSM’s description includes other signs of maladaptive perfectionism: “is preoccupied with details, rules, lists, order, organization or schedules to the extent that the major point of the activity is lost”; “is overconscientious, scrupulous, and inflexible about matters of morality, ethics, or values”; and “is reluctant to delegate tasks or to work with others unless they submit to exactly his or her way of doing things.”

But it isn’t just the degree of high C that accounts for the troublesome forms of this pattern. After all, many super-achievers express top scores on C in an adaptive way. A distinguishing feature of maladaptive high C is that it tends to be associated with high Neuroticism, especially high anxiousness and vulnerability. Unlike healthy high Cs, whose hard work may be rewarded by the joy of achievement, maladaptive ones take little pleasure in what they do. Instead, they are motivated by the intense desire to avoid mistakes, and their distress can become unbearable if they don’t do things in a certain way. Nobody knows why they choose a slavish commitment to hard work as their main tactic for warding off negative emotions. But whatever the reason, they are prisoners of perfectionism, locked in a pattern that brings no happiness to them or to anyone else.

High N Patterns: Avoidants, Dependents, and Borderlines

High Neuroticism, which brings so much grief to maladaptive compulsives, is also responsible for the distress that accompanies the three remaining Top Ten patterns: avoidant, dependent, and borderline. But unlike compulsives, whose N flares up if they deviate from their rigid ways of doing things, the high N of these three patterns is mainly expressed as a feeling of vulnerability in social situations and relationships. Because of this common feature, people who have prominent versions of one of them may also have signs of the others.

The easiest to spot are the avoidants because they are uncomfortable in groups. But unlike schizoids, with whom they are sometimes confused, avoidants are actually eager to socialize. The reason they hang back is their worry that they are personally unappealing, which makes them afraid of being embarrassed and rejected.

This difference between avoidants and schizoids shows up in their scores on Neuroticism. Avoidants are particularly high on self-consciousness and vulnerability, which together drive their dread of disapproval, whereas schizoids couldn’t care less if other people look down on them. DSM also emphasizes broader aspects of the avoidant pattern, such as “is unusually reluctant to take personal risks or to engage in any new activities because they may prove embarrassing.”

But many avoidants do find a way to become engaged with people, and some may even rise to positions of prominence, despite their fears and inhibitions. A good example is
William Shawn, who edited the
New Yorker
for 35 years. His son Allen described his father’s avoidant pattern, and his way of coping with it, in
Wish I Could Be There:

He had what might in retrospect seem like a strong streak of social phobia. In addition to avoiding crowded places and always sitting on the aisle or near an exit in any theater or concert hall, he avoided most parties and get-togethers. I don’t remember his instigating a party of his own. Rather he seemed a somewhat reluctant, passive participant in a social gathering, though he usually ended up being the quiet epicenter of the event. He would walk into even his own living room rather tentatively if it contained guests, looking cheerful and ruddy-faced but also hanging back. Though he spent all day with people, they seemed to astonish him. His respect for the complexity and mystery of others was part of what made him a deep person, but it also expressed some inner fear....

He was famously shy, preferring to speak to individuals rather than to a group.... He had, I believe, no actual fear of anyone and in a sense was profoundly sociable. He just needed certain conditions in which to reveal his sociability, just as he needed certain conditions in which to assert himself, to be spontaneous, and to reveal his pride in himself....
²¹

This ability of some avoidants to assert themselves is not shared by people with another high N pattern, called
dependent. Instead of fighting against their deep sense of insecurity, they seek out stronger people as potential protectors. DSM-IV’s description of this pattern includes: “has difficulty making everyday decisions without an excessive amount of advice and reassurance from others”; “needs others to assume responsibility for most major areas of his or her life”; “feels uncomfortable or helpless when alone because of exaggerated fears of being unable to care for himself or herself”; and “is unrealistically preoccupied with fears of being left to take care of himself or herself.”

This group of vulnerable people can take this path because they are also relatively high in Agreeableness. Believing that there are many generous people who won’t take advantage of them, they are not ashamed to admit their limitations. Instead, they feel free to express their eagerness to ingratiate themselves, in the hope that their trust will be reciprocated and that they will find a loving companion they can rely on.

It sometimes works. If dependents get themselves into a stable relationship, their N may stay under the surface while only their Agreeableness shines through. But a troublesome outcome is not unusual because dependents often overestimate the commitment of their partner. When the honeymoon is over, they may become clinging and demanding, and fear of abandonment may overwhelm them.

Such fear of abandonment is also a prominent feature of the borderline pattern, an extreme expression of Neuroticism. Borderlines have high scores on all facets of N: anxiousness, angry hostility, depressiveness, self-consciousness, impulsivity, and vulnerability. To make things worse, they
also have low scores on trust and compliance, facets of A, and a low score on deliberation, a facet of C. But it is the N that stands out, and its expression may include both angry disappointment and clinging dependency, the combination of
I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me
,
²²
which is the title of a popular book about this pattern.

The description of troublesome forms of this pattern in DSM-IV begins with three signs of such turbulence: “frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment”; “unstable and intense interpersonal relationships alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation”; and “unstable self-image or sense of self.” The picture, then, is one of intense interpersonal needs, strong attachment, and fears of betrayal. Prone to loneliness, people with this pattern often seek comfort from sexual promiscuity and illegal drugs.

Despite its extreme nature, don’t be surprised if this description reminds you of someone you know. Researchers from the National Institutes of Health detected troublesome versions of the borderline pattern in about 5% of the Americans that they examined in face-to-face interviews. And despite the widely held belief that most borderlines are women, the researchers found that this tumultuous pattern is also common among men.
²³

Milder versions of the borderline pattern also exist that Millon considers to be “on a continuum with normality”
²⁴
and that Oldham and Morris call “the mercurial style.”
²⁵
Such people are eager to be involved in romantic relationships, seek intense closeness, and are easily hurt if these feelings are not enthusiastically reciprocated at all times. But
their breaking up and making up is more modulated, their moods are less volatile, and their view of their relationships is more realistic.

Opinions of Self and Others

Now that I’ve described these patterns in terms of the Big Five, let’s turn to another way to conceptualize them that I also find helpful. This method is based on research by psychiatrist Aaron T. Beck, who studied the thought processes of people with troublesome personalities as a guide to their treatment. His approach, called cognitive therapy, is designed to help his clients identify and re-examine the ways of thinking that get them into trouble. In developing this form of psychotherapy, Beck and his coworkers identified two highly informative thought processes: a person’s opinion of himself, and his general opinion of others. They also found that particular opinions of this kind are characteristic of each of the Top Ten.
²⁶

In looking for signs of such potentially troublesome thought processes, I begin by restricting my attention to the opinions of themselves. And instead of trying to sort through ten alternatives, I’ve lumped them together into four categories. Two of them project positive self-images: “I’m special” and “I’m right.” The other two are more negative: “I’m vulnerable” and “I’m detached.”

These four kinds of opinions of self are probably familiar because they frequently come up when we gossip about
people. For example, we may say, “She’s so full of herself” (special), “He’s so self-righteous” (right), “She’s so insecure” (vulnerable), or “He’s a real loner” (detached). If these or similar statements seem to fit the person you have in mind, you can refine your assessment by seeing how well it matches up with the characteristics summarized in
Table 2.1
.
²⁷

Table 2.1 Top Ten Patterns: Opinions of Self and Others

The three ways of thinking “I’m special” have some similarities and clear differences. Narcissists believe they are superior and above the rules. They expect others to admire them and to offer them the special treatment they are convinced they deserve. Histrionics also expect admiration, but mainly for their glamour. And, unlike narcissists, histrionics don’t see others as inferior. Instead, they view them as potential targets for seduction. Antisocials share the sense of superiority of narcissists, but they are mainly interested
in taking advantage of people rather than being admired by them. They believe that what makes them special is that they are unconstrained by social conventions. This allows them to deceive and exploit the suckers of the world. It also allows many of them to keep getting away with it because they are so good at hiding their true aims.

The two ways of thinking “I’m right” are also fairly easy to tell apart. Compulsives consider themselves competent and committed to excellence. They consider others to be self-indulgent slackers who should work harder and follow the rules. Paranoids may be even more self-righteous. But they also feel misunderstood, despite what they consider to be their noble intentions. Instead of dismissing others as irresponsible, they are wary of them as malicious antagonists.

The three ways of thinking “I’m vulnerable” each include a particular version of the belief “I’m not good enough” and can also be distinguished by their very different views of others. Avoidants are particularly concerned that others see through them, recognize their ineptness, and are eager to put them down. To prevent embarrassment, they keep a low profile. Dependents also feel inept but are not ashamed to reach out to people who may take care of them. Borderlines, the most flagrantly troublesome, have an unstable view both of themselves and of others. They are acutely aware of their limitations but also cling to the belief that they are adored. They swing between a positive view of people they become attached to, whom they consider loving and perfect, and the negative view that they are in constant danger of being betrayed and abandoned by them.

The two ways of thinking “I’m detached” also include very different views of self and others. Schizoids have a sense of self-sufficiency that reflects their ability to take care of themselves, and they stay away from others because they find relationships messy and unrewarding. In contrast, schizotypals have a sense of self-sufficiency because they live a fantasy world that they prefer to the real one, and their main reason for staying away from others is that they suspect them of being untrustworthy.

Traits, Patterns, and People

Considering the Top Ten as both a pattern of traits and a pattern of thoughts underscores their value as a vocabulary for discussing people and making predictions about them. So if you identify someone’s boss as narcissistic, you can better understand why he demoralizes an avoidant employee but angers a paranoid one. And if you identify a friend as histrionic, you can better understand why she is a sitting duck for a smooth-talking antisocial.