Moments in Time (38 page)

My eyes prickled again. “Being with me causes problems. Problems he wouldn’t have with her. With any girl.”

“Sweetie, if relationships were easy, they’d all last forever. They’re not. You have to decide which ones are worth fighting for, then give it all you’ve got and then some. Do you love Tanner?”

“Yes.”

“Do you want to be with him?”

“In an ideal world, yes, but….”

She shook her head. “There is no ideal world, only this one. Do you want to be with him?”

“Yes, but—”

“No buts. I’m not saying it’s easy. I’m just saying it’s worth it to fight for what you want. You’re hurting. And I imagine he is too. He’s not going to just substitute Wendy for you. It doesn’t work that way.”

“She loves him.”

Mrs. D nodded and toyed with the fringe on the edge of the couch throw. “I know she does. But that doesn’t mean she’s meant to be with him. Those two are better off friends. Tanner knows that. If you and Wendy would accept it, I think you’d all be a lot happier.”

“I just thought, maybe….”

“If another guy came along tomorrow and you really liked him, would you forget how you feel about Tanner?”

“No, but….”

She stared at me.

“Fuck. Sorry, I mean—”

“Collin, you’re in New York City, everyone says ‘fuck’ here. Stop apologizing. And stop worrying about everyone else. It’s an endearing quality, but you’re hurting yourself. What do you want?”

I had no answer for her. My chest hurt. My head ached.

Her hand returned to mine, and she gave it a squeeze. “Close your eyes, take a deep breath, and tell me what you want.”

I inhaled, ginger, lemon, the spicy scent of Mrs. D’s hair, then blew out a long slow breath. “Tanner.”

I hadn’t been sure what I was going to say, but that was the only word in my head, on my lips, in my heart.
Fuck.

“You need to tell him that. You need to go back and figure out a way to work this out.”

“I can’t. Not yet. The trial.”

“How about if I give my lawyer a call and get his opinion on that? You can stay here. I meant what I said, you’re always welcome. If you need to be here to think, then take the time you need.”

“Thank you.”

She leaned over and kissed me on the cheek. I nearly started crying again.

“Drink. I’ll go get your room ready and place that call.”

I watched as she crossed the room and disappeared down the narrow hallway. It didn’t seem likely her lawyer would be able to do anything, but it couldn’t hurt. It occurred to me that she’d probably try to call Tanner too, but that wouldn’t be a problem. I’d tried his cell. He was right. There was no service. By the time she could get in touch with him, he’d have spent time with Wendy. Everything would be different.

Everything already is.

A
LL
I
wanted was to stay in bed. Not sleep in. Stay there. Live there. Become one with the mattress. The idea of getting up and walking around hurt. I’d heard people talk about things like this. I’d seen it in enough movies. Heartbreak. Depression. I hadn’t realized quite how much it sucked.

The only thing forcing me to crawl out from under the covers was the fact that I didn’t want to upset Tanner’s mom. She’d been so good to me—great, really—letting me stay there, not bombarding me with questions, even though I was the guy who was in the process of hurting her son. I couldn’t wrap my head around it. My mom couldn’t stand the thought of me, but Tanner’s mom seemed to sincerely like me. I didn’t get it, but I didn’t need to. What I needed was to do something nice for her. I didn’t have a whole lot to offer, so I cooked.

I realized it sounded crazy, but in some weird way it made me feel like if I did nice things for her, somehow Tanner would know. And maybe one day, when he looked back on this, he wouldn’t think I was a complete asshole.

Maybe.

T
OSSING THE blankets aside, I forced myself to get out of bed. My neck ached with tension, and no matter how much I tried, I couldn’t get it to relax. I couldn’t even remember the last time I’d jerked off, but that was okay. My cock and I weren’t on speaking terms.

I’d been at Tanner’s mom’s for nearly a week. She gave me plenty of space but checked on me several times a day. She kept offering me healing sessions or angel readings. I knew she meant well, but I also knew nothing like that would cure what ailed me. My heart was broken. No amount of stones or balance cards was going to fix that. I just had to get over it.

The worst day by far had been Monday. I’d known all day that Tanner and Wendy were due back from Maine on Tuesday, and my stomach had been filled with so much dread, it had been all I could do not to spend the entire day puking. I kept my phone turned off until that night, equally dreading and hoping that when I turned it on, there might be a message from Tanner. He’d have read my note. Seen that my stuff was gone. I didn’t even know what I expected or wanted from him. All I knew was that I craved something—anything—even if it was just him telling me to fuck off.

When I finally pushed the on button, I saw I had one missed message. My hands shook as I clicked.

It wasn’t from Tanner.

It was from Wendy. One single word stared up at me from the small screen:
Thanks.

My heart had spiraled into my stomach, and my stomach felt like a bottomless pit. Hopelessly empty. Like a freefall into absolute nothingness. My entire body ached.

The one bright spot had been Bryan. He said the guy who was subletting his place was moving out a few days early, so I was welcome to crash there as of next week. I told Tanner’s mom I just needed another week, and then I’d move out. I hated being a burden to her. She owed me nothing. Her son and I weren’t even together anymore. Tanner’s silence confirmed that so loudly, it was deafening.

In keeping with her record as being the nicest mom in the history of the world, she said not to worry. But I did worry. About everything. As far as I knew, Tanner hadn’t called her when he got back either. Every time I saw her on the phone, I prepared myself to pack my bags, certain she’d kick me right out the door if he was upset.

Maybe he wasn’t upset. Maybe he was relieved.

I showered, then headed into the kitchen and started making chicken marsala. By the time Mrs. D got home, it was almost done. The kitchen air was rich with garlic and red wine.

“Smells heavenly, Collin.”

“Thanks. It’s really easy.”

“You don’t have to do this, you know.” She said that every night when she got home from work to whatever I’d prepared for her dinner.

“Yeah, I do.” I’d made her all of Tanner’s favorite dishes, which I hadn’t been able to eat a bite of. It hurt too much to think about preparing his favorite foods without him there to eat them—and killed what little appetite I had. Instead I’d wait until later in the evening and order Chinese takeout from the place Tanner and I had gone when we’d stayed at her apartment that summer. The nightly walk to pick it up helped me clear my head. I never ate more than a few bites. The food was cheap and greasy, but the sounds and smells of the place were comforting. They reminded me of Tanner—of better times, of us happy together—in a way that wasn’t as painful, and for that I was grateful. Even if it only lasted a little while.

By the end of the first week, I was going crazy. I’d been working online, tutoring, and had picked up a ton of hours because midterm exams were coming up. I needed the money. Not only was New York expensive, but if I wasn’t able to keep my grades above a 3.5, I might lose my scholarships, and then I’d have to drop out. Not being enrolled would mean I’d have to start repaying my loans. I tried not to think about that and focus on writing my papers and listening to the online seminars.

Work kept my mind off Tanner for part of the day, but no one wanted tutoring at 3:00 a.m., so I’d lie awake at night and let my mind wander. It always went to the same place. Straight to Tanner. Wondering how he was. Hoping he and Wendy were making things work. Praying I’d come to peace with things one day. Wishing with everything I had that I could go back in time to when we were together.

Tanner’s mom had a convention to go to, in California.

“Are you sure you’ll be all right?” she asked as she got ready for her flight. “I can cancel. Or you can come along as my assistant. I hate the thought of you here all alone.”

It was touching. Her concern. Her willingness to help. She reminded me of Tanner and made me miss him a little less. “I’m fine. I can move into Bryan’s in a few days, so I’ll be out of here before you even get back. I can’t thank you enough for all you’ve done for me.”

She touched my face, her eyes filled with kindness. “We’ll talk when I get back.”

I nodded, even though I was pretty sure that wasn’t true.

W
ITHOUT
M
RS
.
D in the apartment, I realized I was completely alone. The feeling nearly swallowed me whole. I didn’t even have anyone to cook for. When nighttime fell, I made my daily call to Mrs. Chang’s. Five-spice chicken, an egg roll, and cold sesame noodles.

The cold air made me shiver as I walked the three blocks to pick up the order. I’d never been in New York City in the late fall. I missed the scent of the changing leaves, but somehow the cooler weather made the city smell cleaner. I breathed in deeply, trying to let the air cleanse me.

The old woman behind the counter smiled when she saw me. “Every night, same thing. You try new order.”

I tried for a smile. “No, thanks. I like this one.”

She shook her head and handed me my change, then disappeared into the back to get my food. When she returned, she handed me two bags. “You try new tonight. You don’t like, you don’t eat.”

“I really don’t—”

“On the house,” she said. “You go.”

She shooed me aside and started taking the order of the guy behind me.

I felt ridiculous carrying two bags of food when I knew I wouldn’t even finish the contents of one. The street was empty, but as I walked the first block, I heard footsteps behind me. They followed when I turned the corner. I didn’t think anything of it until they stopped when I slowed to fish the keys out of my pocket.
What now? A mugger? Fuck.
I bristled, ready to beat the shit out of someone if I had to. Hell, I kind of wanted the opportunity to feel something other than sad. Adrenaline pumped into my veins as I turned.

Tanner was three feet away from me. Hair blowing in the night breeze. Hands tucked into the pockets of his jeans. “You gonna eat all that yourself?”

T
HE BAGS of Chinese food landed on the ground with a solid
thud
.

Tanner nodded at it. “Good thing they tie those tight, otherwise that would have been an awful waste.”

He’s here. He’s here, and he’s talking about Chinese food.

I stared at him, like an idiot. “What are you… how did you…?”

“My mom ratted you out.”

“Oh.” Of all the words in the English language, that was the only one I could come up with.

“Don’t be mad at her. I was pretty much freaking right the fuck out when I called her.”

“Sorry.”
Just how many lame one-word comments can I make before he turns and walks away?

He shifted his stance, hands still in his pockets. “So, are you all right?”

No.
“Yeah.”

“Because you didn’t really sound all right in that letter you left me.”

Oh God, the letter.
Just the thought of it made my stomach cramp into knots. “I did what I thought was best.”

The breeze sent his hair fluttering off his face, then settling back across his eyes. “Best for who, exactly?”

Jesus.
This was why I’d written the damned letter in the first place. To avoid having to say it all out loud. But I guessed I owed him at least that much. “Everyone. You. Sean. Wendy.”

“What about you?”

“I’ll be fine.”

Tanner raked his hands through his hair and left them linked around the back of his neck. “You will? Really? You left your family, you left school. You left me.” His voice cracked a little on the “me,” and I thought my heart might shatter. “Do you even have a place to live?”

“I’m moving to Bryan’s next week.”

Tanner’s gaze shot to mine. “That’s not… is that what this is about? Did you move to New York to be with him?”

“What? No.
Jesus
.”

“Collin, work with me here. I’m trying to understand. I know we’ve been through a lot the past few weeks, but everything was finally settling down. I mean if you changed your mind about us or you want to be with Bryan now, fuck, I guess I’ll have to figure out how to deal with that, but the other bullshit—this ‘best for everyone’ crap—I can’t live with that.”

I sucked in the biggest breath of air my lungs would allow. “It’s not bullshit. And it’s got less than nothing to do with Bryan. I’m tired of hurting everyone I love just by being with them. Don’t you get it? I’m letting you go so you can be happy.”

Tanner laughed. “Happy? You think I’m happy? I got back from the wedding thinking you and I were finally going to be able to be together again, and instead I found a Dear John letter waiting for me. Not to mention how you totally lied to me before I left.”

I flinched at the accusation. He was right. “I’m sorry.”

“So am I. It’s not like I don’t get why you’re good at lying. I know you’ve had to do it a lot. But not with me.” He scrubbed his hands over his face. He looked like he hadn’t slept in days. “I don’t get it. I really don’t. What the fuck?”

Seeing him there, right in front of me, upset, pleading for answers, it occurred to me I didn’t have any. Not good ones. All I wanted was to throw my arms around him and tell him how much I’d missed him.