Moonlight Murder: An Inept Witches Mystery (4 page)

Ingrid had no idea what Emily was talking about.
“
Em, you must start getting more sleep at night. Not only is a lack of sleep bad for your skin, it
’
s
—”

“
The wine bottle, Ingrid. The wine bottle wasn
’
t there. I figured it out in the dark, horrible woods all by myself. I realized that we must have left the bottle in all that muck from the body and the exploding earth. The body is gone, but so is our wine bottle. The one from St. Maarten
’
s. With our finger prints all over it. It
’
s only a matter of time before your lover-sheriff runs those prints and comes searching for us. Again.
”

Ingrid plopped down on the kitchen bar stool.
“
He won
’
t need to. As soon as he sees the bottle, he
’
s going to know it was us. I don
’
t know how to feel. On the one hand, I am not a murderer, and there is really just no understating how good that feels. On the other hand, Gabe is going to kill me. Which makes me sad. But now I think I
’
d feel far less guilty about using my money to not go to jail. I mean
…
are we witches or are we witches?
”

“
I think most of the coven would debate that. Though I would then beat them to death with their own brooms.
”

“
A cauldron,
”
Ingrid said seriously,
“
is also an excellent weapon for murder.
”

They sat at Ingrid
’
s kitchen table and stared into the distance while they each considered what move to make. Ingrid was at a loss. She wasn
’
t cracking jokes or mocking her. Truthfully, Emily probably didn
’
t know either.

“
I left a message for Hazel, figured we
’
d need an aura cleanse but she hasn
’
t gotten back to me.
”

Ingrid made a noncommittal sound while chewing on her fingernails.

She watched Emily’s face and could tell the beginning of an idea form. Ingrid would hate it. Like worse than hate. She would probably never agree to it. But Ingrid had cleared Emily
’
s name when she was the prime suspect in her ex-husband
’
s murder. If Ingrid wouldn
’
t go with the plan, she knew that Emily would take one for the team and go for her.

Emily spoke, confirming Ingrid’s thoughts.
“
Ingrid, I
’
m gonna get us out of this. You don
’
t have to worry about your sheriff finding out anything.
”

Ingrid nodded, still not speaking.

Damn. She was very clearly worried. Just how bad did Ingrid have it for Gabe?

“
We need to go to the coroner. We will have to figure a way in, but we need to see if we can learn the identity of the dead person. Then we need to see if we can get into the evidence locker at the police station and get that wine bottle out of there.
”

Ingrid perked up at Emily
’
s morbid suggestion.
“
Um, coroner? No. That. Is. Not. Happening. Remember all the dead person gook I had on me before we went on vacation. I
do
need my aura cleansed, but not for murder. Just for constantly doing things with dead people.
”

“
Uh,
”
Emily said,
“
I don
’
t know if you realize what you just said. What exactly is it you plan on doing with dead people, Ingrid? I
’
m not going to judge you, but I just didn
’
t know you had a thing for uh, that type.
”
Emily was unable to keep the snark out of her voice.

Ingrid retaliated.
“
That
’
s disgusting. Seriously, though, all this touching of the dead people. I
’
m not cut out for it. It
’
s just
…
gross. What is the identity of the dead guy even going to do for us?
”

Emily relaxed her shoulders.
“
Okay, fine. You
’
re right. Now that we know we didn
’
t kill anyone, we should just confess. If you don
’
t want to do the coroner thing, that
’
s fine. But if we don
’
t do something with the evidence, Gabe is going to find out eventually that we were near that body. And I think it would be better if he heard from you. Agreed?
”

Ingrid paled.
“
No. No. No. We are not confessing to tampering with a body. Absolutely not, ever.
”

Emily stood up, hands on her hips.
“
We
’
ll figure out who died, find their family
—
it
’
s always family that kills the dead guy
—
and we
’
ll truth serum them before Gabe gets to question them. What
’
s it gonna be, my friend? Confession or Coroner?
”

“
I hate you.
”

•••

Emily had to drive Ghosty, the Camaro
’
s new nickname, because Ingrid had refused to get behind the wheel while her aura was still tainted with dead people juices.
“
I don
’
t think this car likes me. It only does weird stuff when I
’
m driving.
”

Emily laughed as she maneuvered down the highway to the warehouse that housed the island
’
s coroner
’
s office.
“
Or in it. Or near it. But I wouldn
’
t take it personally.
”

Ingrid rolled her eyes but remained silent, her normal sarcasm buried under heavy anxiety. The realization of not being a murderer was probably fading as she imagined how mad Gabe was going to be once he figured out what they did. Even solving the crime ahead of him wouldn
’
t keep him from wanting to strangle them a little bit. That would probably make his murderous feelings intensify.

Emily had been rolling over the plan in her mind. They couldn
’
t just walk into the coroner
’
s office and ask to see the body that was found in the woods last night. Too suspicious. How were they going to get in? They
’
d worked that out at the house, and as usual, truth serum to the rescue. They would truth-serum the shit out of people until they found out what they wanted.

But what they would then do with that information was still up in the air.

“
Okay, Ingrid. Here
’
s what we do. I
’
ve got a couple plans. Let
’
s call this one plan A. You distract the receptionist. I think you are being super weird right now anyway, so it shouldn
’
t be hard to make her think you are crazy. I think Kimmie
’
s sister is still working in that office. Just talk about nails and Kimmie. It
’
ll be fine. Once you get her distracted, I
’
ll say I
’
m going to the bathroom, and then I
’
ll sneak into the back room where all the drawers of dead bodies are waiting, and then I
’
ll find the one that belongs to the dude we almost-murdered.
”

“
Okay, whatever. Mean dove.
”

Damn, Emily thought.
“
Snap out of it, Ingrid. You
’
ve got to get yourself together here. We aren
’
t murderers anymore. I don
’
t know what your issue is. Gabe isn
’
t going to find out. We will clear this up in a jiffy. You
’
ll see.
”

Ingrid shrugged and said,
“
I
’
m fine,
”
in a voice that convinced nobody that she was in fact fine.

It was possible, Emily thought, that Ingrid did not have faith in her plan.

Emily put the car in park and drummed her fingers on the leather steering wheel. What was she going to have to do to get Ingrid out of this funk.

“
I
’
ll do magic. How about that?
”
Emily asked, grasping for anything that might get Ingrid
’
s attention.

And there it was. Ingrid snorted and then belly-laughed.
“
You want to use magic to learn the identity of the dead body in the forest? Next you
’
ll want to remove your fine lines and wrinkles with magic. And make coffee with magic. Okay, fine. I get it. You are trying to cheer me up. I don
’
t know what
’
s wrong with me. It
’
s Gabe, I think. He was just supposed to be fun, but he
’
s
…
different. I think I want to keep him, but I
’
m worried we messed everything up. Also, I
’
m not sure I can handle another keeper.
”

Emily turned off the car and opened her door.
“
Of course you can. Let
’
s fix this mess, and you
’
ll see. It
’
s not going to fix itself. Quit moping. Let
’
s go.
”

She got out and slammed the heavy door behind her and watched out of her peripheral vision as Ingrid followed suit.

Good. That worked.

“
Okay, so you
’
re good to go, right? You distract the dead body receptionist
—
ha! She
’
s like St. Peter
—”

Ingrid crossed her arms and stared at Emily.

She leaned against the car, unable to breathe she was laughing so hard.
“
Hahahaha. Ba. Hahahaha. Ha. Get it?
”
she said, gasping for air,
“
St. Peter? Receptionist for dead people?
”
Emily finally gathered herself and looked suspiciously at Ingrid, who should have found that a very funny joke.
“
What?
”

Ingrid
’
s face split into a wide grin.
“
That is pretty damn funny, Emily. Now, let
’
s get our witch on and solve this. I
’
m tired of worrying about it.
”

They strolled in to the lobby, attempting to look super casual and not at all up to anything illegal.

Ingrid started talking to a woman behind the desk, but she was very stiff.
“
Hi. I, that is we, um, we wanted to take a tour of your facility.
”

The woman, who looked vaguely like their nail chick Kimmie, gave Ingrid a blank expression.
“
Tour? Why?
”

“
Well, my best dove and I,
”
Ingrid said, putting an arm around Emily to draw her close,
“
have always just really liked horror movies and novels and decided we wanted to write a horror book.
”
She was quickly catching her deceitful stride.
“
And we can
’
t write horror without dead bodies, and a coroner
’
s office seemed like the best place to get a feel for dead bodies.
”

“
We don
’
t do tours,
”
the woman said flatly with none of Kimmie
’
s pizzazz.

“
Oh, well, there must be something we could do. Maybe if we made an appointment?
”
Ingrid flashed her sweetest smile, and Emily almost choked on her gum. Given Ingrid
’
s abhorrence of dead bodies, she was playing it pretty cool. But the woman at the desk wasn
’
t budging. Ingrid was getting nowhere. Fast. She could get farther driving around in a possessed Ghosty than she was with this chick.