Never Been Loved (33 page)

Well, I didn’t think she’d actually tell me. She probably saw the look of murder in my eyes when she told me in the first place.

Me: Why?
I’m getting ready to string my web of lies.

Sera: You’ll end up beating him up, maybe going to jail, and orange is not a good colour on you. I wouldn’t mind you getting more tats, but then Matty and I will have to see you behind bars, and I kinda really like having you live next door.

I grin like a sap. She’s got me, hook, line and sinker.

Me: Fuck, now you’re being cute. Can I come over and kiss you again?

Sera: Tomorrow. Drive safe when you go and pick up Matty, ok?

Me: Alright. I’ll see you tomorrow, baby.

I decide to take a really long cold shower. Sera’s got me all riled up, and grinning like I’m the luckiest asshole on the planet.

Chapter 24

I know exactly what’s going to happen. Just when I think I have her, Sera probably convinces herself that she’s better off without me.

The fact is, I can’t blame her.

Who wants a diabetic, let alone two to care of?

Who wants that kind of responsibility, that worry – that special brand of sourness in your gut not knowing when my or Matty’s blood sugar’s gonna drop and there’s nothing much that she can do but try to help us through it?

There’s no cure – just therapies that are supposed to extend my and the kid’s quality of life. Sometimes, it feels like it’s keeping me alive, but not much else.

I’m tired of fighting.

I’m tired of fighting my body every day, trying to get everything on the level so I can just pay attention like a normal person does. And Sera doesn’t need that, hell, nobody does.

But there’s still that pansy-ass voice inside me that whispers for me to try anyway, to take a chance. So now I’m rushing the kid to get his shoes on – he falls over trying to get it on his foot – while I’ve got the door open and stumble into the hallway trying to get out before Sera leaves for work.

I lock up once Matty gets into the hall with me, and we’re hustling the entire five feet or so to Sera’s door. The kid stations himself right in front, staring up at the peephole like it’s daring him to move out of the way.

I pull him away from the door in case Sera comes barreling out, and just as I get him secured behind me, she runs smack dab into my chest, effectively punching my heart with her face.

“Motherducker!” she yells, and the word was not what I was expecting.

“Hi, Sera!” Matty yells while Sera squints at him. This is probably the second time I’ve seen her without her glasses. It’s… odd.

“Hey, little buddy.” Matty’s moved forward and nabbed her hand, only to start dragging her towards the elevator.

I’ve got a million things to say but my voice doesn’t seem to be working. My brain’s gone white-noise and I’m sure if it’s a sugar low or this woman is giving me health problems all on her own.

“C’mon, c’mon! I have to go to school today, and then Daddy will drive you to work!”

Panic hits her face. “No, no. Really, I’m just going to take the metro and-”

No way is she getting off that easy. I move my hand under her loose hair, and cup the back of her neck, touching the soft skin there. I hold back my grin when she starts shivering. I like that a fucking lot.

“Sera. I’m going to drive you. That’s all there is to it.”

Easy there, don’t make her bolt.

“I would really,
really
like to take the metro. Have a good day at daycare, little buddy, but-”

“Matty, cover your ears. Now.” I cut her off, and the kid looks up at me with an expression of utter shock, I don’t know why I’m not laughing.

Sera shakes her head, trying to get the kid between us going one-on-one. I hate that she needs to do that with me.

“Don’t, it’s okay, Matty-” she tries to tell him, but I’m done.

“Block your ears, kid. Now.”

I slide my arm across Sera’s shoulders, down her arm and get our fingers linked together while I usher her towards the elevator. Matty has his hands clapped over his ears, staring straight ahead, at least pretending to be oblivious to this entire conversation.

“Sera. What the fuck? What happened after I left?” I ask quietly, even though my skin’s vibrating and I’m more on edge than I’ve ever been. My sugar’s stable, I know that, since I checked before leaving. Still, I go through all the hypotheticals and get sucked into the
am I getting a low? Am I?
before I force myself to focus on her face.

She just has to chew on that lip, the lip I want on my mouth right now so bad, I don’t care if the kid’s here with me. I don’t care at all.

“We just kissed, okay? It was just a kiss. No big deal.” She says it like she doesn’t believe it, then looks down at her kicks without so much as glancing at me.

“Are you fucking kidding me right now? What the hell happened after I left? Who did you talk to? Who twisted everything around? Sera?”

Watch it, man, you’re pulverizing her hand.

I watch her swallow like I caught her in a lie. “Nobody twisted anything around. We just kissed, and it was a bad idea. This...whatever this is. For the love of the Winchesters, this chemistry, attraction, what-the-frak-ever – why did Aly come see you the night before? For what reason?”

I’m not letting Aly ruin this for me. I can’t, not now when I finally have a chance.

“She came to see me. I haven’t been answering her calls or texts for over two months. Ever since that day I went to the hospital. I’ve told you this already.”

Relax, man, keep your tone down. Don’t push the asshole front.

Sera yanks her hand out of mine, and she’s looking at me like I’m worse than dirt.

“I won’t be a sidepiece.” She says the words like they’re law.

“I didn’t ask you to be one. I want to be with you. I thought I made myself very clear,” I tell her, and twitch when the elevator doors chime open for us.

“I don’t understand what’s happening. Are we in a relationship? Because we’re not following the traditional steps and all.”
She’s fucking adorable and sexy and I want her so bad right now. I need her so bad.

I end up grinning. “Fuck. Even when you drive me crazy, you do it all cute-like.” I get her cheeks in both my hands and lightly press my mouth against hers. Her whole nervousness about it has me getting nervous. I mean, fuck, I never doubted my skill before but maybe it’s about time.

“Can I listen now?” Matty asks. I look down at him and his head is moving from me to Sera and back with his hand still over his ears. “Can I? Can I?”

“Sure, kiddo. Let’s get you to daycare, yeah?”
The fight’s not over, but the trip down to the basement is quiet, until Matty yells shotgun and rips out of the elevator lobby and into the parking lot without looking both ways like I taught him.

When I hear the sound of rubbers squealing on pavement, white noise fills my head, and I’m not paying attention to anything but my nephew.

MOVE!
A voice inside my head yells at me – sounding a hell of a lot like Jules.

I can’t lose her kid, too. I can’t do that.

I’m not going to ruin anymore lives.

It’s like running through a tunnel on a treadmill. I’m watching Matty run towards my car parked on the far side of the lot. The stink of gasoline hits my nose and I hit a patch of oil under one of my boots, but I feel like I’m stuck in molasses, expending all the energy without moving an inch.

Matty stumbles and hits the ground, just as the fucker who’s driving like a damn maniac whips around a corner and I
move.
I’ve stepped in front of Matty and stare down the ’Stang that’s coming my way, not even considering that this could be the last breath I pull into my body.

I’d see my sister again, but I’d leave Matty – and Sera – behind. I’m not prepared to that.

I don’t even hear the fucker brake as my fist hits the hood of his car, and either I’ve lost feeling in my legs out of fear, or the fucking front bumper broke both my legs and I haven’t felt it yet.

“Who the fuck do you think you are?” I roar, my voice echoing in the lot. I sound a hundred times bigger than I am, I sound like a superhero that Sera loves. “It’s not fucking NASCAR, you fucking asshole!”

My heart’s a battering ram in my chest, and my eye contact with the shit-head driver makes me wish I could reach through the windshield and start throttling him with my bare hands.

Rage swims in my veins, my bones are light as air and it would be so easy to round the car and teach this shit a lesson. Until sound pummels me back to reality where I’ve got Matty in my arms without remembering doing so.

My hand punches into the hood, and I don’t even feel the abrasion on my skin. Matty’s heart is beating incredibly fast next to mine, and his forehead is plastered to my neck – his breathing’s fast, and I have no idea where Sera is.

A fucking teenager opens the driver’s door and, completely pale, looks at me dumbstruck by what just happened. Can stupidity be beaten out of people? ’Cause I wanna try.

My lips have pulled back from my teeth, and with a clarity I’ve only ever had that day when Sera found me in the hall, I know with a crushing realization that I could have lost Jules’ kid. He would have been rag doll on the pavement if this fucker had got his way.

Sera’s here.

She’s grabbing my hand that’s starting to smart, and she’s saying my name, but I want to give this kid in front of me the whaling of his life.

The shithead says sorry, and that lights me up again, and I’m yelling but fuck if I know what I’m actually saying.

“Let’s just go, please. You know where the kid lives, you can always beat him up later, all right? Let’s get Matty to daycare. C’mon, Hunter. C’mon,” she says, moving me little by little from my target. I let myself follow.

“Goddamn it, Matty, who the fuck told you to run off like that? Fuck. Just, fuck.”

Why are you fucking yelling at him? Why?

I’m scared, I’m so scared I don’t know what to do with myself. Better to get angry.

“Here take him, put him in his car seat.” I hand Sera the kid.

I need to blow off some steam, and I need to move and get the feeling back in my legs. I need to breathe, I need to apologize and I need to get on with my day – all in that order.

Colours swirl over my blinking eyes, and I know my sugar’s starting to drop, or hell, maybe it’s been all this time but I was too scared to deal with it then.

I’m crashing; I’m crashing hard.

I keep pacing up and down the hall, watching without seeing Sera put Matty on the trunk and speak to him in a quiet voice. I’ve probably gone and fucked him up some more by yelling at him. The kid’s so scared he didn’t even demand a quarter.

If you didn’t do something, he wouldn’t be here, potentially yelling at you for saying a bad word.

Jesus Christ, Jules, how do I keep doing this? How do I keep him safe? How do I stop worrying?

Jules? Please help me?

I don’t know how much longer I can do this. I’m so tired, I’m so tired of being bad at this. Please help, Jules. Help me out.

I don’t know how long I pace, up and down, up and down, until Sera’s suddenly in front of me, and I have to halt myself to a stop before I mow her down too.

“Let’s get going,” she says, her voice soft and quiet.

I stuff my hands in my pockets and rock back on my heels. My stomach’s roiling and the colours are swirling and I’m not sure how much longer I have until I stop making sense.

“Sera, he could have died. God, he could have died.” I’m shaking, the only reason why I know it is ’cause Sera wraps herself around me and hugs me tight.

“He’s all I have left, and he could have died.”

“But he didn’t. You saved him, Superman. You were incredible, you really were. I’m sorry I couldn’t move. I’ve never reacted that way before.”

It’s not her job to save him; it’s mine.

But then, Sera saved me so I guess it’s all the same.

“He’s my responsibility. You shouldn’t need to do anything for him.”

Sera doesn’t like that. She leans back from my hold on her now, and looks at me like I’m crazy.

“I want to help. Jesus, Hunt, I’d do anything for that kid. I love him.”

“Why?”
Stupid, stupid fucking question.
But I mean it. I need to know.

“Why, what? Why do I love him?”

“Yeah. Why?”

“Are you serious? Have you met him? He’s like sunshine and chocolate and Peter Pan and all the good things in the world. He’s pure and he’s bright like a star. He’s sweet and kind and knows a little too much of how his diabetes affects him and we’re going to need to change that.”

You hear that, Jules? She loves your child. She’s good for him. She loves him, Jules.

I sneer. “Still think I’m amazing that I nearly lost Matty today?”

She frowns at me. “Amazing doesn’t mean infallible. Remember that. Now, come on. I need to get to work, and Matty needs to get to daycare. God, I could sleep for two weeks after what just happened. Adrenaline. Crash.”