Only Love (40 page)

I could only gather it was a prayer.

Don stayed silent the whole time during my recollection today, not breaking my story once, and when I was done, that silence continued for a while. For me, I knew why. The memory of that day was always hard, which was why I tried never to think about it. But speaking it aloud, really verbally for the first time in all its truth, I felt something I never would have expected, and that was relief, a deep one I could feel through my entire body, throughout my soul.

Don’s hand moved to his mouth. He turned off the car, and then sat back. We both did.

“But you said you saw him shoot first.”

My head moved in his direction, but he wasn’t looking at me. I nodded. “Yes.”

Shaking his head, his eyes shifted down. I didn’t know what I expected him to say, but the last thing I anticipated was what he said next. He said one word: “Why?”

Blinking, I let the silence continue. He was asking me why? I didn’t understand. Of course he knew. In fact, he’d been so much of the pressure; always reminding me to have his back, support him like he’d do for me, and did, years later throughout the worst of my disease. He had to have known why I went along with his statement and the shop owners. I had been a kid, right out of the academy and placed with an esteemed veteran of the force as my partner. No, excuse I knew. I knew that now.

While the very thoughts filtered through my mind, that word: “why,” that answer to his question, he finally turned my way.

He suddenly let out a heavy sigh, pushing his hand behind his neck. “Because you felt you had to,” he concluded, staring at me.

I found myself confused. He was acting as if he didn’t know that very fact. Or was he? Acting that is. I shook my head. “I guess, when you always told me to have your back…”

“But I never would have told you to lie for me, kid,” he said, surprising me. He leaned forward, placing his hand on my shoulder. “Yes, I want you to have my back, but…”

My eyebrows narrowed and I felt the need to ask a question, a question I asked earlier. He hadn’t answered before as I had decided to admit my truths, but now, I needed to know. “What happened that day? With Ruiz? Did he actually shoot first?”

I never wanted to know an answer to a question more. I knew Don could very well continue with his official statement, but this time, there was no pressure for a specific answer. There was no IA and no legislature breathing down our backs. It was just him and me. An old man and his kid.

“He did, Adam,” he said, and honestly, truly, I believed him when he said it. I realized something after I did. I hadn’t really before, believed him that is.

I released a breath, feeling the relief of that. But then, I had another question upon crossing my arms, turning to him. “Why do you think he did?”

Yes, Carlos would have served time, but he had been a minor. Any time behind bars would have been a more forgiving sentence than the consequences of shooting an officer.

Don tapped the steering wheel. “I honestly think he was just scared. I saw the fear in his eyes, right there down to his soul. His older cousin was there and Carlos had the means to protect them both as he was armed. He made a choice.”

He had. We all did really. I looked up at the old man. “Did you pray for him? That day?”

He nodded, gazing away. “I felt it was the least I could do. I’m here and he’s not. The least I could do.”

We both sat there with that thought, and I couldn’t help thinking about something. What was next for us? Where did we go from here? For me, the answer seemed obvious, obvious but one of the hardest things I’d ever have to do.

“I’m going to have to change my statement,” I told him. With the case being closed, that might not matter, especially since what I’d actually witness that day would be inconclusive. It was still something I had to do though. Anything else wouldn’t be right.

Don could have reacted any way upon what I said, but like so many times today he surprised me again. Placing his arm around me, shaking my shoulders once, he gave me a small smile. “We’ll go together.”

Together.
This man really did have my back and I was happy at the thought.

He released my shoulder when our police scanner picked up. The codes were light until Don turned it up. The smile left his face and edged into something more intense, something more serious. By what I just heard on the scanner mine had to be doing the same.

I flicked on the siren, lights too, while Don let the precinct know we were on our way to the scene through the walkie, two partners in sync with our dual reactions. We were in the area, so I could imagine we might be one of the firsts to get there. Don confirmed we were headed in that direction, then got us in gear, decoding what we’d heard while he drove.

“Bank robbery,” he said, though I think more to himself than me. He didn’t sound nervous, and I knew he probably wasn’t. I felt about the same. This was our job and it was time to act, but one thing I did notice though was my heart did race, just a bit while we drove. It didn’t happen all the time, but it was natural with the job sometimes.

Adrenaline was normal when one put their life on the line I supposed.

Gabby chose to wait out in the car while I went in to grab Rissa from daycare. She’d been so quiet lately.
Too
quiet. It scared me that I didn’t know what was going on inside her head. I’d taken a few days off from work and school so I could give her my undivided attention, but she wouldn’t open up. Even today, there were a few legal matters to sort out in order for me to take temporary custody of her, and she had hardly said a word, much less shown any emotion. Even
that
would’ve been a good sign. My heart was in limbo right along with hers, waiting for word on her mother, wondering what would happen if she wasn’t able to come home for a while.

“Be right back,” I said, only to get zero response, just a nod. It hurt me so badly to see her like this, but there was nothing I could do.

My steps were quick as I made my way through the church and to the daycare. When I arrived, my thoughts were of course still heavy on Gabby, but Rissa had a way of making me smile no matter what—even now. I greeted her with a hug and stepped all the way inside the room to great Joan and Cindy, and also to make room for the mom coming in behind me to pick up her child too.

Cindy’s expression filled with concern as she inquired about Gabby. “How’s she doing?” she asked.

I shrugged, not really knowing the answer to that question. “The same.”

Shaking her head, Cindy waved back at Rissa, still clearly upset for Gabby. We’d talked about it all briefly, but I never got into the part Adam played in all this, although I was sure he’d already had that talk with her.

“Well, you already know that if you need anything, Joan and I are right here. No matter what,” she added.

I nodded, knowing this to be a fact. She shared a warm smile and I turned to leave, but halted dead in my tracks when something, a sight, raised questions in my mind. It was simple, nothing more than the mom who’d followed me into the room handing Joan a check. I distinctly remembered Adam stating that the daycare services were free, covered by grants, so why was this woman paying her balance?

“I thought…” My finger was now aimed at the woman finishing the transaction with Joan. “I thought this was free.”

Cindy lowered her eyes for a moment and then gently touched my elbow, pulling me aside. “Sweetheart, Adam didn’t want you to know he’d been doing this for you. He didn’t want you to ever feel like you owed him anything.”

I frowned, confused even more now that she was explaining.

She shook her head while speaking. “The childcare services have never been free, Aubrey. Adam pays us for the time Rissa spends here.”

My jaw dropped. He hadn’t said a word, wasn’t seeking even an ounce of praise; he just did this for me out of the goodness of his heart. It dawned on me that he continued this even during the times that things between us weren’t solid. I didn’t know what to say.

Already before hearing this, guilt had set in—guilt at the way I’d handled the situation with Gabby’s mother where Adam was concerned. He hadn’t so much as called since then and I couldn’t blame him for that. There was just so much going on that day, so many emotions, so many raw nerves exposed. If I’d been thinking clearly, I wouldn’t have reacted so irrationally. Did I still have reservations and concerns surrounding Carlos’s death? Absolutely. However, I also knew Adam, knew he was a good man, knew his intentions had never been anything but honorable since day one. Because of his reputation with me, his track record, I found my heart softening toward him as the days wore on.

And now this.

I was in no way over what’d gone on with the Ruiz/Lopez case, but I owed Adam more understanding than I’d given him. I owed him
much
more. Now Gabby wasn’t the only one who was quiet now. The car was completely silent as we drove back to the apartment. Her thoughts were elsewhere, and mine were on Adam and how poorly I’d dealt with this situation.

As soon as things died down, and when I felt like Gabby was in a better place to receive what I needed to say, I wanted to talk to her about all this. We were both quick to pin everything that happened all on Adam, but, in all honesty, no one was to blame for the raid that night but her mother. Her lifestyle had caught up with her, which tends to be the case. Even if Adam
had
been the one to make that call, give a tip, or whatever he’d done, he had a job to do and no one could fault him for doing it. His whole reason for being here was to make our building, our
neighborhood
, a safer place, and that was what he’d done. It didn’t matter that Gabby’s mother was linked to us in some way. When she chose to break the law and involve her own daughter in her ‘business’, she made
her
business
everyone’s
business. Getting caught that day, going to jail, losing Gabby—that wasn’t Adam’s fault.

I eyed my phone on the console and contemplated calling him for about the hundredth time that day. He’d been on my mind heavier than usual already, even before what Cindy told me. Every time I’d talk myself into calling, I talked myself right out of it because I didn’t want to bother him at work—especially seeing as how we hadn’t talked in a few days. I’d wait for him to get home later, and maybe Gabby would watch Rissa for me while I went up and talked to him— apologized for shutting him out again. Despite how valid my feelings were, I still should’ve dealt with him and our problems head on instead of closing myself off.

“I’m gonna stop at the store. Want anything?” I asked when I turned toward Gabby.

She managed a slight smile, but only shook her head.

In my head I planned a meal for Adam—something I could take to his apartment with me later. Kind of a peace offering.

I made a right so I could hop on the freeway and head toward the grocery store, but the sound of a breaking news alert caught my attention when it rang out over the radio. I turned it up and listened harder.

The news reporter relayed details surrounding the shooting of an officer at a local bank—a robbery gone wrong. No names had been spoken yet, but somehow I knew. I knew this had something to do with Adam.

My heart sank and Gabby glanced my way when I pulled over to the side of the road.

“You don’t know that it’s him,” Gabby reasoned, placing a hand on my shoulder.

I couldn’t even bring myself to answer. Deep down, I felt like I
did
already know.

The reporter went on to say that an officer had been rushed to the hospital and was in critical condition. And then, right after giving this information, he delivered the blow that made me glad I’d pulled over, because my hands went numb.

“Two officers were first to respond on the scene this afternoon….” was all I heard the guy say before the names “
Officers Adam Holloway and Donald Kline”
rang out into the air and struck my heart. The second I heard his name, it hit me that my apology may never be given, he’d never know how sorry I was for not talking things out like he’d asked to do. For the second time in my life, I’d let someone I cared about think that I hated them. And possibly for a second time I might not get a chance to make things right. My stomach retched at the thought of how this scenario mirrored what’d happened with Javi.

What if this was it? What if I never got the chance to tell Adam that I still loved him and wanted to work things out? What if… what if the last things I’d said to him were indeed the last things I’d ever say to him?

“We’ve gotta get down to the hospital,” I forced out in one breath as I shifted the car into drive.

 The ride to Saint John’s Hospital felt like the longest I’d ever taken in my entire life. At each stoplight, I tried to clear the blur of tears from my eyes, only to have more fill them when the light changed to green again. I had to get to him. Had to. I didn’t even remember the rigmarole of parking and getting the girls out of the car. All I knew was that I was rushing toward the ER like a mad woman, pausing only to give the automatic doors a chance to open when I approached them. Even
that
annoyed me, taking a fraction of a second away from me that I could’ve been at Adam’s side.