Perfectly Broken (9 page)

When it was time to leave, Jordan insisted on paying the bill. He walked me to the cab line of the casino a few doors down and kissed me chastely on the cheek, wishing me a good night before closing the door.

"Shit." I'm moving. Someone is rolling me over. "The bullet is lodged. Here
,
use this." There is more pressure, causing me to let out a cry and I cough again, choking.
I can't breathe.

CHAPTER SIX

Family

ZANE

"Uncle Teesh," Conner yelled as he ran straight through the front door when I unlocked it. I laughed and nearly tripped over his backpack where he dropped it, hearing Tish's chuckle when Conner dove straight onto him.

"C! I didn't know you were coming!" Tish scooped Conner up and tossed him in the air, making him squeal loudly before setting him on his feet. "You look older. Did you get older without telling me?"

"No," Conner laughed through the word
.
I grabbed his backpack, adding it to the load of groceries I'd picked up after we went to the movies this afternoon. "I'm still four." He held up the appropriate fingers to Tish as I headed down the hall to the kitchen, tossing his backpack onto his toddler bed in the corner of my room on the way.

"Is Lizzie falling into her old games again?" Kas asked as she glanced down the hall from where she was cooking dinner. I shrugged, working on putting the groceries away.

"I'm not sure. She just said she had to work, but when I got there she had his stuff packed up for the weekend," I answered and leaned against the island as I heard Conner squealing again, no doubt being tickled. I smiled automatically at the sound.

"You're an amazing dad, Zane. Has anyone told you that recently?" Kas nudged me with her elbow and I wrapped an arm around her shoulder.

"Thanks," I said in response. If anyone knew the struggle it had been for me, it was Tish and I knew he had told Kas about everything I'd been through.

Finding out Conner wasn't mine just before his second birthday had left a huge scar that I still felt
,
even now. Adam was a deadbeat, he always had been. He called occasionally and tried to stir shit up with me, claiming he was going to have me taken off Conner's birth certificate and dissolve the custody arrangement I had written up with Lizzie. Luckily, he never followed through. I'm not sure what I'd do if he ever did. "That little boy is my life."

"As he should be," Kas said
,
pulling a pan of enchiladas from the oven. She stirred the rice in the pot as she called out toward the living room
,
"Dinner's almost ready! Any little boys in the house need to wash their hands and get to the table, pronto!"
 

 
I immediately heard Tish rushing Conner to the bathroom to wash his hands. I pulled the plates out and started dipping up a small piece for Conner, tossing it into the freezer to cool it off while I made him a cup of milk.

"I win!" Conner laughed as he almost fell on the tile floor while trying to pull his chair out and get into it before Tish. Tish held Conner's chair in with one hand while he pretended to try to pull out his own. Conner growled and smacked at Tish's hand.

"Hey. No hitting," I reminded him sternly.

"Tish
,
stop. Jeez, which one of you is the child?" Kas scolded with a laugh
.
Tish released Conner's chair, coming over and wrapping his arms around Kas' waist.

"Are you calling me a child?" He bit her ear.

I groaned at their display
.
Reaching into the freezer to pull out Conner's plate, I took it and his cup to the table before going to make my own.

"Not in front of Conner
,
you two." I shoved Tish aside as I made my food, grabbing a soda from the fridge before sitting next to Conner.

"Daddy?" Conner asked, his mouth full. I looked over, raising an eyebrow at him in warning. He finished chewing quickly before he continued his question. "Can Uncle Teesh come watch for Transformers with us?"

"We'll see. Finish eating first," I said, nodding to his plate. He made a face at my answer but continued eating.

Conner didn't look away from the sky as I spread the thick blanket over the trunk and back window of the car. He lifted his arms automatically when I reached for him and I settled him against the window.

"Daddy?"

"Yeah
,
buddy?" I grabbed our drinks and his bag of snacks before climbing up beside him.

"Do you think there are really Transformers up there?" He pointed toward the moon as he spoke.

I considered his question carefully before I responded. "Do you?"

He made a face, obviously deep in thought as his eyes roamed across the sky slowly.

"I think… maybe," he finally said. It wasn't a question, it was his honest answer.

"I think that's a very good answer," I said and was rewarded with his bright smile.

He grabbed his juice from where it sat between us and I watched as he struggled to get the straw inserted. I waited, expecting him to ask for help
.
But
,
when he got frustrated
,
he just took a deep breath and tried again, moving the placement of his hands to give him a better grip as the straw slid into the package with only a small spill. He immediately put it to his lips, his eyes lifting once again to the stars.

I felt a small twinge of disappointment in the fact that he hadn't needed my help. It was overpowered by the pride I felt at him being able to do things on his own but I was also worried. I wanted him to grow up and become independent in the way I'm sure most parents want their children to succeed but a part of me wondered what would happen to us as he grew older.

I had very few happy childhood memories with my own father. I had pictures that could elicit specific memories which weren't all bad. There was one of my parents, Tish, Olivia, and I at an amusement park just before Paige's birth. I could vaguely remember that day. I was about Conner's age and I was exhausted. My father carried me on his shoulders around the park for hours. I remember a lot of laughing that day.

But
,
the other memories — the yelling and fighting and terror — those were permanently etched into my mind. And
,
that was my fear.

Aside from going out of my way to be the exact opposite of my own father, I didn't really know how to be a good dad. But
,
could that logic last forever? My father wasn't always a bastard, was he? As Conner grew and became more independent, would something in me change? Did something change in my father or was he always the way he was?

"There's one!" Conner's voice was excited and my eyes followed the line from his finger in time to catch the end of the shooting star.

"Who do you think it was?" I asked him.

"It was Jazz," he answered decidedly.

I grinned. "So what is Jazz doing back on Earth?" I asked, prompting Conner to launch into a story about a fight between Jazz and Bumblebee that got out of hand. His eyes moved back and forth across the sky as he spoke and I listened to his version of the day’s events on Cybertron. I couldn't help but feel peace in this moment with him. Even if he grew to be just as stubborn as I've always been and challenged me every day, there was no way I could ever feel anything but fortunate at his presence in my life.

I laughed as his arms started flailing while he described the fight between Jazz and Bumblebee and how Optimus and had to break them apart. When he slowed down in the story, he leaned into my side, still watching the sky as I wrapped an arm around him.

Conner gave my life purpose in a way I'd never known possible.

"He finally out?" Tish asked as I dropped onto the couch with a groan.

I nodded and closed my eyes, covering my mouth with the back of my hand as I yawned.

"I can't believe he stayed awake. Normally, he passes out in the car on the way home when we stay out that long," I said. Today had been exhausting, especially since I hadn't slept well last night.

"How was Lizzie when you went to pick him up?" Tish asked
.
I had to force my eyes to open, turning my head to look at him.

"Pissed off. She had already been getting onto him all day, I guess. I feel pretty shitty about last night now, knowing she ended up taking it out on Conner. I hate that she does that."

"Have you thought about contacting the lawyer? Seeing if there isn't something you can do about adding more visitation?" Kas seemed hesitant to bring this up, which was unusual for her. Kas was always the one who spoke her mind openly.

"I don't know." I ran my hand over my head as I tried to think through the questions. I wanted Conner with me full-time but there was so much uncertainty. "I already have him every other weekend and two evenings during the weeks in between. Plus, every time I try to bring the courts in, Adam decides to start showing his ass and threatens to take away the visitation I do have."

"Didn't the lawyer say you had nothing to worry about at this point? I mean, you've been raising Conner for four years now and paying child support for over two of those years." Tish muted the TV, intent on the conversation. I knew Tish loved Conner just as fiercely as everyone else in his life; he was impossible not to love. It was the combination of the shaggy, blonde hair, bright blue eyes, and completely unwavering enthusiasm that made everyone love him so much. Everyone but his mother. I had no doubt that Lizzie loved Conner but she loved other things more. That was the problem.
 

"I don't know if I'm ready to risk it, though. I mean, what if the lawyer is wrong?" I dropped my elbows to my knees, resting my forehead on the heels of my hands as if I could press away the pain beginning to throb behind my eyes.

"Is it better for him to continue going through this?" Kas didn't have to elaborate on what
this
meant. We'd all seen Lizzie's wild mood swings and I hated that everyone could see the affect they had on Conner.

"Is it better for him to lose me completely?" My voice shook as I put words to my deepest fear for the first time. I pushed up off the couch, not waiting for either of them to answer as I headed back to my room. I was exhausted but that wasn't the reason I left. I sat on my bed and looked over at Conner, watching his small chest rise and fall with each tiny, even breath.
 

Would it be worth it if I knew I could win? Absolutely. I wanted nothing more than for Conner to be with me. My fear wasn't completely selfish, I worried about Conner most of all. It would kill me to lose Conner, without a doubt, but what would it do to him if he lost me? What would he do without me in his life? The thought brought with it a painful knot in my chest and I stood, moving to place a kiss on his forehead.

All I knew for certain was that I couldn't live without him.
 

"I want pizza," Conner said, rubbing his eyes as I placed his plate of eggs in front of him.

"For breakfast? Ewwww…" Tish laughed as he carried the plate of bacon to the table. "That's gross, C."

"Nu uh. Mommy lets me have pizza for breakfast all the time." Conner scowled at Tish. I tapped the table beside his plate to get his attention.

"Eat your eggs," I said before taking a long drink of my coffee. Conner grumbled
,
but complied.

He'd been up late last night and woke up at five-thirty this morning claiming a stomach ache. I tried to get him back to sleep, even letting him climb into my bed which I rarely did anymore, but it was no use. I was running on about seven hours of sleep over the last two nights combined and I was starting to feel it.

When Kas joined us at the table, she chatted away to Conner, letting him tell her all about the Transformers we saw the night before. Once Conner finished eating, I took our plates to the sink, taking my turn to clean the kitchen while Conner continued to talk away at Kas and Tish about everything he could think of.

"Morning
.
" Lili's voice startled me as she reached around me, grabbing a coffee cup from the shelf.

"Hey, Pix. What are you doing up so early?" I asked, grinning at her sleepy expression.

She poured herself coffee and moved to the table, taking my empty seat beside Conner as he continued talking to Tish and Kas.

"
Somebody's
sweet little voice was carrying down the hall and woke me up," she said, leaning over to ruffle Conner's hair as she spoke.

He turned, knocking her hand away and giving her an even meaner scowl than he had given Tish earlier. "Stop," he said, his tone full of acid. I raised one finger in warning
.
He looked past Lili to me and rolled his eyes. That look was one hundred percent his mother and it made me furious to see it.

"You were out late," Kas said to Lili, breaking the short silence that had fallen after Conner's outburst.

"Went to breakfast after my shift." Lili shrugged before she continued but her words were covered by Conner trying to talk to Kas.

"Did you know…? Hey. Hey, Kas. Did you know that…? Hey. Hey, Kas." Conner's voice got louder with each word as he leaned across the table, trying to regain the attention he'd had before.

Just as I was about to tell him to hush and let the girls talk, he spun on Lili. "Shut up, LeeLee! Go away! My mommy said you're a dirty champ who is keeping my Daddy from us!"

"Well, you're momm—" Lili started.

"Hey!" I raised my voice, catching everyone off guard. Conner looked over at me, his eyes wide.

"I'm going back to bed," Lili said, shoving her chair out and moving quickly down the hall.

"What's the matter with you today? Bedroom. Now." I pointed a finger in the direction of our room and Conner rolled his eyes at me once again, stomping his way down the hall before slamming the bedroom door.

I took a moment, pressing both my hands against the counter as I took two deep breaths
.
Slowly counting to ten
,
I swallowed the urge to call Lizzie and cuss her out.