Private Emotions – Appointments (The Private Emotions Trilogy) (12 page)

“I understand that things weren’t exactly rainbows and sunshine on your recent dates.”

“Oooooo, if you only knew my horror, Susan. Both dates were in such a rush to get sexual relief that I was sure their favorite store was giving away something free that night and they had to be there on time to get one.” Susan laughed at my rationale.

“But you also mentioned on the phone that you accidently met someone interesting?”

“Yes, his name is Ethan Sterling. We got into a conversation in the laundry room after I bumped into him on the stairs to my apartment. I felt an instant attraction to him and after our chat, just before I said goodnight to him, he paused and just looked at me with his intense eyes. They did a twinkle thing that made me melt.”

“A twinkle thing?”

“Yes, a twinkle thing and then he smiled, and his face did a sparkle thing.”

“So he twinkles and sparkles at the same time?” She tried to stifle a laugh at my description of Ethan.

“Not only that! He also smelled really, really good. That definitely signifies this man can multitask and for these reasons I think that I should pursue him...I mean, this situation.”

“I see, a rare man indeed. Well, Emily, it seems that you have found someone that you like spending time with. This might be a good opportunity to expand your horizons and see where this relationship goes. If you can find someone similar to your friend Barry, then you can count yourself one of the lucky ones.” My therapist was still great counsel and I had begun to see her on a once a week basis. It was nice to have someone to talk to about everything that was going on in my head and not be judged for anything that I was thinking. “Tell me how it felt to talk to him without putting on any charades.”

“It was a strange combination of feelings. It was like talking to an old friend on the one hand but feeling nervous tension in the pit of my stomach on the other. Maybe it’s true that you have to find the one person who will not only be your lover but also your best friend. I know this sounds cliché but everything felt so relaxed with him. Of course, until he did the whole twinkle-sparkle thing.”

“Sounds to me like you have a good take on this thing but I have to warn you to take things slowly. You need to really get to know him for who he is and not for who you want him to be. We all put up walls to protect ourselves and I’m sure that he probably has one himself. It may be a wall that you will have to scale in order to get to his true heart. How high that wall may be...only time will tell.”

“I understand what you are saying but I don’t want anything to do with more dating. It usually turns out badly for me and the man goes away with a smile. Sex wasn’t exactly on the table but I felt that I was ready to try a new approach. I thought that a quick way to test these men was to take them to bed, or in one case to the car, but I felt cheap after it was done. I am sure that a quickie with someone you care about is great but it’s not the same with a stranger, at least not for me. I will not do that to myself again.”

“You’re learning about what you like and don’t like, which is a necessary step that you had to take. This is very good progress, Emily. Unfortunately, our time is up but I hope to hear good things the next time you come in. Don’t be afraid to take the initiative and maybe ask him over for dinner. No man that I know can resist a home-cooked meal by a beautiful woman.” I blushed two shades of red and really didn’t see what she was talking about. There was nothing special about me. To me, I was just another one of a thousand women looking for her soul mate. “You are a very sexy woman and it’s about time that you take stock in that and allow yourself see what others see.”

As I left there, I saw my reflection in the door of the office and for the first time ever I saw a desirable woman. Just standing there like that gave me a new sense of sexual pride. I wasn’t seeing the desperate woman that I had become. Even though I still had other lessons to learn, I started to feel more confident about whom I was becoming. I felt a little more like the woman looking back at me from the other side of the mirror. A self-acceptance had begun to emerge, although it was a slow process and would take a lot of work to get me where I needed to be.

The image in the door changed and now looking back at me was the more demure side of myself. My old self had returned, like it did so many times before but I had just gotten a glimpse of someone that I knew other people saw. It was as if two sides of my personality were trying to battle it out to see who would come out on top. Right now, that insecure side of me was still in control, like an old friend that had come home...but not for long if I had anything to do with it. This was a promise that I made to myself and I was going to keep my word.

My doctor was probably right. Ethan would appreciate a home-cooked meal, especially since he worked a lot of nights. He never did tell me what he did for a living, although maybe that was my fault, as I didn’t really ask follow-up questions. If he accepted my offer tonight, I would try to dig deeper to find out what really made him tick. Right now, he was like an onion with many layers to peel away to find the core.

I decided to go straight home so that I could extend the invitation to Ethan before he left for work. I knocked on his door and waited, hoping beyond hope, that he was there and would answer the door. It was late in the afternoon so I must have just missed him. I started to walk back to my apartment door when I heard footsteps approaching and then the doorknob began to turn to reveal him in nothing but a towel. Droplets of water were sticking to his skin, enhancing his toned muscles. I felt like a teenager who had just seen her first naked body.

I tried to flood my mind with random, dull thoughts, so that Ethan would not see the heat that was moving up my neck and about to explode onto my face. Beetroot red was not a good look for trying to come across casual.

“Emily, you just caught me in the shower and I was lucky that I heard you knocking, with the spray of the water and my god-awful singing ...” Chuckling made the muscles all over his body move and gave me a special feeling deep down inside. I had to swallow in order to keep my composure. “Was there something that I can do for you, or are you just going to continue to stare at me in my half-naked state?”

“Um, sorry, I didn’t mean...I...I was just coming over to do the neighborly thing and invite you to dinner.”

“Damn, I can’t tonight but I am totally free tomorrow night, so why don’t we say 7 PM and I’ll bring a bottle of wine for the occasion?” Over his shoulder I saw something that made me take a second look. A picture of him and another guy in a baseball uniform was staring back at me. There was something was very familiar about the second person but I could not quite put my finger on it. “So will tomorrow night work for you?”

“Yes, I am free tomorrow night.” Actually, based on my current situation I was free most nights but that detail was irrelevant.

“Great! I’ll be there tomorrow night and I’m really looking forward to seeing what kind of concoction you’re going to impress me with.”

“Um, I’m not much of a cook, although I’m sure that I can come up with something that will delight your palate.” I forgot all about the photo and went back to my apartment with a little skip in my step.

My dreams were now of Ethan and this scene wasn’t taking place in a public park. For some reason, we were on a baseball field with faceless spectators watching us from the stands. There was one man that was so near to us that I could smell his aftershave and something about him was giving me much to think about. His face was distorted and I couldn’t get a clear look so that I could recognize him. Ethan was over top of me and was pressing into my folds with an insistent need to make me cum before he did.

Just at the time that my big ‘O’ was turning the corner, I woke up with the sound of my alarm clock going off. I stretched over and pressed the snooze button at least three times. Work didn’t seem all that important to me right now and I almost decided to call in sick. Getting Ethan out of my mind was very difficult but I had work to do down at the shop and I needed the money to pay my bills.

The shop where I worked was located in a very upmarket part of town. All the major designers were located not too far off so it made sense that up and coming designers would want to be as close to the buzz as possible. Even if it meant that the office space was the size of a closet, it made sense to be where all the hype was happening. As they say in business...it’s all about location, location, location.

The day felt very long and seemed to drag on forever but finally my lunch break was upon me. I decided to have my salad in the open air as a bit of sunshine on my face would be nice. I stepped onto the street and was shocked to see Ethan talking to a man outside of a nearby building. The other man’s back was towards me so I didn’t get a very clear look at him at all. This was bothering me on a very visceral level and my subconscious was fighting to tell me something. Then they both walked into the building and for some unknown reason I followed in hopes of uncovering what my intuition was trying to say.

I kept myself a safe distance behind so that it would not seem obvious that I was following someone. They didn’t see me at first, until I bumped into a woman by the elevators and made myself known. My salad went flying into the air as I lost my balance. I fell to the floor with a loud enough thud that made both Ethan and the person he was speaking to promptly turn towards my direction.

Shit, this is going to be soooo embarrassing. How am I going to explain myself out of this one. Fuck.

“Goodness, are you ok?” The woman who I bumped into seemed quite concerned.

As I got back up off my hands and knees I said, “Oh, yes, I am fine thank you. I am sorry that I bumped into you. I was not looking where I was going, sorry.” Just as I was trying to compose myself the concierge ran over to my assistance.

“Are you ok madam, are you ok? Is there anything that I can get for you?”

“Oh, no I am fine really. Sorry about spilling my salad all over the lobby.” He waved his hand at one of his colleagues to indicate that the lobby required a cleaner.

“It’s not a problem at all, as long as you did not hurt yourself.” I assured him that I was fine. This seemed to please him and he then turned his attention to dealing with the mess that I had made.

I had caused enough commotion and all I wanted to do was to get out of there as quickly as I could. As I was about to bolt out of the hotel, I heard a voice that I would recognize anywhere.

“Emily, is that you?” I saw Mark and Ethan both looking at me, most likely wanting some kind of explanation for why I was there.

“You know, Emily, too?” Ethan was directing his question to Mark and he nodded his head to let him know that we knew each other.

“Emily is the best friend of my wife.”

“Um, I saw you from across the street and um, and ...”

“And you decided that a hotel lobby was a better place to have your salad than the park?” Ethan completed my sentence with a wide grin across his face. Fuck, how embarrassing. Shit, Emily, now this guy would think that you are both clumsy and a mega stalking psycho. Fuck, Mark, say something because I can’t think of anything to get me out of this one. Damn.

I stood there paralyzed as Mark and Ethan looked at each other and then Mark finally said, “As you know, I do business in the city from time to time and I am always looking for fresh talent to publish. Ethan had come to my attention and now he is well on his way to publishing a series of books. You might just be witnessing the birth of a genius.”

“This is a small world after all.”

“This is great, Emily, as you know, Mark, then maybe you wouldn’t mind that him and his wife, Ronnie, join us for dinner?” Breaking bread with hopefully, my soon to be boyfriend and my two best friends in the world was something that I couldn’t say no to.

“Actually, Ethan, Ronnie is my childhood friend and I met Mark through Ronnie.”