Private Emotions – Appointments (The Private Emotions Trilogy) (2 page)

“I will, Mom. Bye.”

“Bye. Bye, Em.”

I hung up the phone and melted back into my sofa knowing that Ronnie would be calling soon. I slumped back into the cushions and continued to sip the rest of my coffee as I let the melody of the music cloud my senses. I looked out the window at the beautiful sunshine and got lost in my thoughts as I usually did, always living in my head. I was the type who had to rationalize a situation and make logical sense of it before I could find a solution. My mind would continue to work overtime until that logical solution was found.

I could feel the sun’s warmth touching me through the window. “Hmm, life is going on with or without your permission, Emily. You have the choice to be part of it, or stand in the background like you have done all of your life.” Now was probably the right time to make a change in my life if I wanted things to be different, but how?

Even though I had many displays of interest from the opposite sex, I just did not feel the attraction and passion that my friends were experiencing with their boyfriends. I wanted to look at the man in my life and know that there was no other person I would rather be with. I wanted to feel the weight of his body pounding me into oblivion during sex and to enjoy the ride. I felt the desire of wanting to experience something different and exciting overwhelm me. I realized that I was the only one who could change my life. No one else could do it for me.

In that moment, I decided that I wanted to enjoy life more, not because I was brave or had a flash of divine intervention, but basically the alternative was a shit way to live. So I opted for the lesser of the two shitty situations. It may not have been a great way to look at things but this was my reality at the moment.

I was going to embrace being single and enjoy the damn journey even if it killed me. I was going to do what it took to be happy, as long as I didn’t turn into one of those annoying happy visualization people...well...maybe I should buy a book on visualization just in case it really worked. This was a serious plan and I needed to cover all the bases. I needed to remember to keep myself open to new experiences by genuinely giving offers outside of my comfort zone ample consideration. Good, right, this all made logical sense. I definitely ...

At that point I was startled by the ringing of the phone. It must be Ronnie. I was definitely in a better frame of mind to speak with her and tell her my new awesome plan and ultra-liberal way of thinking.

I answered the phone and heard, “Emily, I’m in town for a short one week stay with my husband, Mark, who has business in the city. I really want to see you before we leave to go home. We haven’t been in touch for over three months and I’m starting to get concerned over your well-being. Are you free to meet up now?”

“Yeah, I can do now. Now is just about right.”

“Great, then meet me at the place where we usually hung out when we were in college and we’ll talk and catch up.”

“Um, sounds like a plan.” With those final words she hung up and left me feeling a little better about things. My best friend was in town so at least I had that to look forward to.

I saw her in the coffee shop, Teatotal, waiting for me with her usual hot chocolate with whipped cream on top. I loved going to Teatotal. It was an independent coffee shop owned by an Italian family who made everything fresh on the day. Their coffees, teas and hot chocolate selections were second to none. Life just could not get better than sitting in the sunshine at Teatotal with my best friend, the people walking by and my new, ‘Get Happy Plan’, ready to be put into action.

When she saw me she got up and gave me a warm embrace that made me think everything would be okay.

“Emily, it has been too long and I just had to see you for myself. Your mother has been calling me nonstop for the last three months, informing me of the disastrous hot and cold relationship that you have recently found yourself in. If you want to talk about it you know I have a good shoulder to lean on.”

“Thanks but, Ronnie, you just don’t understand what I’m going through because you found your true happiness with Mark early in life. My sex life has been either non-existent or a dismal disappointment and I am starting to worry that maybe it really is me. I know that I’m not the most experienced woman that any man has been with but I do try my best to please them.”

“Maybe, that’s the problem...you try to please theeemmm. You need some help learning what it takes to please yourself as well as the man you’re with. Take Mark and me for an example, we weren’t as compatible as most people thought at the very start but we worked at it and listened to each other. The amazing thing was that we wouldn’t have been able to do this without a little guidance of our own.”

“Guidance? What do you mean guidance?”

“Well, let’s just say that a very professional third person had to be brought into the picture.”

“I didn’t realize that you and Mark had problems?”

“We didn’t, we just felt that the relationship was getting into a bit of a routine. It is easy to take those closest to you for granted because you assume that no matter how badly you behave, they will be there but everyone has limits. Through our friends, we saw the emotional devastation that losing a life partner can cause, so we decided to do something about it before it even got to that point.”

“I guess sometimes you have to do what it takes to save something that is worth saving.”

“Exactly. You took the words right out of my head.”

The sun was shining even brighter now and it lit up Ronnie’s light brown hair, and the intense color of her green eyes popped out of her stunning face. It was easy to see why Mark would never want to let her go. She was definitely a catch of a woman.

“Would you ladies like another cup of something hot? We also do iced coffees if you’d prefer?”

Ronnie spoke first. “That sounds great. What would you like, Em?”

“I’ll have an iced latte with chocolate on the top, please.”

“Sounds good, I’ll have the same, so make that two. Thanks.”

I wanted to hear more of Ronnie and Mark’s journey. Their approach to add more spice to their relationship intrigued me. “But you and Mark are quite liberal in thinking and expressing yourself, so I don’t understand why you would need help?”

“Being liberal does not mean that we have all the answers, it just means that we are open to alternate possibilities and most times those possibilities keep things fresh. It helped us explore other aspects to who we are as a couple. Discovery is a great feeling, especially when you can share the experience with the right person.”

“Yes, I can see how that can be appealing.” I shifted my gaze to the salt and pepper shakers on the table while I contemplated on what Ronnie had just said.

She continued. “I thank God every day for the person that got us on the right track and now I want to pay it forward with you. If anyone deserves happiness, it’s you, Em. Although, I must say that you don’t look as distressed as I thought you might be. What are you not telling me?”

“I am sure that my mom filled you in but after reviewing my life and what I want from it in the romance department, I have decided to embrace being single and open myself to new experiences. You used the correct word earlier, ‘routine’. If I don’t do something to break this cycle that I am in, then I will always be the one left picking up the pieces. I don’t want to pick up any more pieces, Ronnie. I want to be the girl who has that loving relationship that everyone envies. From now on I am going to make a conscious effort to not always be so quick to come to a conclusion. I, Emily Harris, promise not to come to a hasty conclusion that usually involves the word
no
.”

“That’s great news! I honestly think that is a step in the right direction. Sooo, let me get this right. You are open to trying something new, to give serious thought to suggestions that may not necessarily be in line with what you find comfortable because you know that this will add to your experience, which in turn, can help you in your pursuit of happiness. This is the new plan. Right. I like it.” The way she just described my current declaration in a single breath made me feel very afraid all of a sudden.

“Here you go, ladies, two iced lattes. Let me know if you need anything else. Enjoy.”

Ronnie beamed her lovely irresistible smile as she said, “Thanks, we’ll be needing these.”

She turned her attention to me once again with a shimmer of mischief in her eyes that I had not seen in a while. I could feel my heart starting to beat faster. There was no way to prepare myself for what she was going to say next. “Em...Em. My lovely friend, Em. You have known Mark for years now and me for most of your life, right?”

“Yeeesss, so why do I suddenly feel like I should be dialing for the paramedics?”

“Today is your lucky day because I am going to be that amazing friend who ignites your fantastic plan!”

“Okay, one second while I dial the ambulance service.” I knew Ronnie as well as she knew me and whenever she had that gleam in her eyes it meant only one thing ...RUN.

She ignored my comment and leaned over the table to whisper, “Well, why don’t you watch me and Mark in bed together and maybe you’ll learn something that you can take into your next relationship?”

My stunned look was matched only by my inability to speak. It took a few seconds before I said, “Are you asking me to be a voyeur?”

Ronnie smiled generously as a soft wind gently blew her shinny brown hair across her face. “I suppose that’s one way to look at it but I figure that if I can help you in any way then that is what I’m going to do. You said that you would not be quick to jump to conclusions, so you don’t have to decide right now. I want you to give it some thought before you give your answer. We’ll be staying at ...”

“I have given it a lot of thought and I don’t think that it is a good idea. No.”

She paused for a split second, looked at me, and continued her sentence as if I had not interrupted at all. She always did that when I gave her a different response to what she had in mind.

“...at the Hilton in suite 212 and if you show up at 10 PM tonight, I’ll know that you want to go through with it. I’m not saying that you’re going to be involved in any way, but maybe all you need is some visual aid.” This woman that I’ve known for all my life was offering to let me sit in on one of her and Mark’s sexual escapades. My next reaction was to run screaming for my life.

“Okay, I have given it even more thought than I did a few seconds ago and I still don’t think that it is a good idea. So...ah...NO.”

“What’s not a good idea about it? What are you afraid of? You could at least try stepping outside of your comfort zone just this once, Emily.”

Those words again, the last words Nick said before he left. Hearing them from him was one thing but hearing them from Ronnie felt more personal, more accurate.

The tennis match began in my head. Should I do something totally opposite to what I would normally do and experience something different or choose the safe option and remain unhappy? I had communicated my plan to Ronnie, I had set the stage and now she was calling my bluff to play the part. Fuck, how was I going to get out of this? Fuck, damn, shit ...where was a fire escape when I needed one.

Ronnie understood me too well. She knew the battle that was taking place in my mind and gave me time to ponder on what she had suggested.

“Well, what is it to be, Emily? Are you game?”

I cleared my throat and looked at her. I am sure she could see the panic in my eyes. The first step was always the hardest, I said to myself, but I was not ready to accept her offer. “Sure, I’ll drop by.” Shit, I just completely ignored my inner voice.

“Okay great. I’ll see you tonight at 10 PM tonight. Byeeee.”

Ronnie bolted out the coffee shop before I had time to change my mind. She knew that if I was given enough time my logic would win over my brief flirt with spontaneity.