Private Emotions – Appointments (The Private Emotions Trilogy) (6 page)

Chapter Three
Forbidden Fantasies

To say that I was at loss for words at what Mark and Ronnie had done for me would be an understatement of monumental proportions. The fact that they were willing to allow me to be a fly on the wall during their bedroom activities was a testament to the strength of character that they both possessed. They had shown me that love didn’t have to preclude sex and that both had a place in a relationship. Unfortunately, I just couldn’t see myself letting go the way they were able to and I must have projected such a thing because Ronnie had taken it upon herself to give me the number to a therapist that they both used themselves.

Ronnie and Mark were already gone leaving me with a lot to think about and what to do next. It was the number of the therapist that was haunting my sleepless nights and I made a conscious decision to follow up by calling her. It took a couple of days to wrangle the courage to actually grab the receiver to make the call but I finally bit the bullet and did it.

I got her on the line and said, “Hello, my name is Emily, and I am a friend of Ronnie and Mark. They told me to call you and I was wondering if maybe you had some time to talk.”

Her soothing tones said, “Actually, I just had a cancellation for this afternoon, so if you are available at 3 PM, I can certainly make room for friends of Ronnie and Mark. In fact, Ronnie had contacted me this morning telling me to expect your call.” It would appear that Ronnie knew me better than I knew myself. The crafty little devil had realized that I needed time to ponder my next course of events and had nailed the exact time, or more precisely, the exact day that I would make up my mind.

“Um, I think I can make it and I’ll see you at three this afternoon.” My nervousness was starting to overtake me and I felt like I was jumping out of my skin not knowing what she was going to say. There was only one way to find out. I grabbed my keys and headed out to my appointment.

While standing in the hall on the third floor, I felt a presence near me and a pleasing smell was attacking my olfactory senses. I turned around and saw a brief glimpse of someone going into an apartment down the hall from mine. For some minutes I just stared at the door like I could see through it to the other side. Finally, I shook myself out of the trance that I was in and continued down the hall towards the stairs. One last time, I looked back to that door and then turned away from it with an effort that I had to force upon myself. How strange, I did not think that anyone lived in that apartment.

The therapist office was on the outskirts of town and I entered the place with a confidence that I just didn’t feel. The receptionist was very pleasant and asked me to wait until her last patient came out. It was a typical doctor’s office, with all the magazines going back to the 1990s. I picked up one of the periodicals and perused the latest news from back when I was younger. I looked upon the old styles as something of a good memory and a fashion statement that I just didn’t believe I had become part of.

An older woman of about 50-years came out of the office dabbing her eyes with a tissue as she passed me on the way out. The receptionist told me that I could go right in but I just stared after the woman that was leaving the office. I steeled myself, got up and straightened my clothes before going in.

This time I was in for a bigger surprise than I counted on, because I walked into the office and saw that the therapist was barely in her 20s. This woman had short blond hair and was wearing a light blue sweater and a pair of jeans. This wasn’t what I had imagined a therapist to look like but I was willing to give it a shot nonetheless.

Susan said, “Why don’t you take a seat and tell me what brought you here?” She handed me a cup of coffee and I sipped it as I looked down at my feet. I just couldn’t make eye contact with her at all. “I know this is hard but I can’t help you if you don’t tell me what’s wrong. Ronnie only told me that you were having some problems in your personal life and now I need you to verbalize what she meant by that.” Even though she was young, I noticed that she was using the right verbiage that made her sound like a competent professional. For that reason and that reason only, I was finding myself about to open up for the first time.

“Ah...I’m not even sure why I’m here and I doubt that this would help anyway. That being said, I have been having relationships that are ending way too soon and I think it has something to do with my lack of experience in the bedroom. I’ve always seen sex as just a means to an end for the guy and I don’t think I’ve ever had a real orgasm.” This was a revelation to me and I was aghast at how I had revealed to this woman one of my deepest, darkest secrets. “Look, if there is a pill or some kind of medication that you can give me, I can be on my way and we don’t have to see each other anymore.”

“This problem of yours will not be cured with any sort of medication, because I believe that a lot of this is in your head. Once you have found that one true love, I’m reasonably certain that this will not be an issue for you anymore. Now, in order for us to get you there we have to delve into your hidden desires. This won’t be easy for you to do and I want you to know that I am only here to listen and not judge.” A kind of calm came over me and as I looked into her eyes, I could see that maybe she could help me after all. “Just take your time because we have all the time in the world.”

“Ok, for one thing, I didn’t realize just how much fun it was to watch sex from a voyeur point of view. Ronnie and Mark showed me a form of kindness that I didn’t ask for and they allowed me to see them in a physical manner. Ever since seeing them like that, other images have been coming to me and I don’t know what they mean.”

“Okay, it’s perfectly natural to explore your sexuality, but only in a secure and safe way. Tell me about these images that you’re having.”

“It’s kind of hard to say, but one particular fantasy has been prevalent in my mind and in my dreams. I see myself standing before a man with a suit on, but we aren’t in a normal bedroom. We are outside in a park, in the middle of the night and I am slowly taking his clothes off watching him become exposed before my eyes in public. His body is chiseled in granite, but his eyes are soft and loving, making me feel very safe and wanted.”

“Go on, I need to hear all of it.” This woman seemed to have a way to make me want to unload the burden that was currently taking up residence in my mind. Not having an orgasm with any of my previous lovers, had explained to me that maybe my best friend Ronnie was right about exploring my own sexuality.

“The moon is above us the whole time and I could see his body as clear as I see my own in the mirror. He’s just standing there letting me marvel at each piece of exposed skin as it comes into view. There is something so naughty about doing this in public, but in my fantasy, not even that stops me from reaching for his penis hiding in his pants. Leaning down, I make short work of his zipper before taking it out to see it throbbing in the palm of my hand.”

“Please continue.”

“He always says the same thing, ‘Take your time, there is no rush’. I find his words very calming and I proceed to get down on the ground with his penis so near my mouth that I can smell his manly scent wafting towards me in the night air. With tentative licks, I begin to lathe him with my tongue. His juice is dripping down the shaft and I suddenly have the feeling that we aren’t alone anymore. Looking to the corner of my eye, I see this beautiful woman dressed in a trench coat watching us perform for her eyes.”

“How does having a woman watching you make you feel? I want you to be completely honest and let me know exactly what you’re thinking.”

“I...I...feel, slightly disgusted with myself, yet strangely drawn to performing for this woman. This is nothing like anything that I’ve ever done before and I find the novelty of it all makes me very hot between my legs. With his penis still thrusting into the air like it was, I move my lips and kiss the tip of him. Slowly, I open my mouth and he slides himself over the surface of my tongue, while the woman in the trench coat is now standing right beside us.”

“Yes.”

“Her hands are reaching for the belt of the coat and then she reveals that she is all woman underneath. There are no clothes in the way and I could see that she was visibly excited by what she was witnessing. I don’t know why but I needed to feel the softness of her skin with my own fingers. As I reached out she didn’t try to move away and my fingers softly touched the wetness of her vagina. While I performed oral sex on the man, I continued to drive my fingers in and out of her. Her juices were running down my hand and we were practically performing as if we were one person.”

“Wow, that is some imagination that you have there, Emily. Please continue.”

“Well, anyway I know the man is handsome but I just can’t make out his actual features, which makes me think that he has something to hide. That didn’t stop me from deep throating his massive penis with everything that I had. There was a telltale sign of his heavy breathing that revealed to me that he was close to unleashing the flood inside his body. Instead of moving away from him, I only worked harder until the tip began to throb and he released himself into my mouth. That was when the woman came over to me and planted her mouth over mine.”

“Okay, if there is anything else that you want to tell me about this fantasy in your dreams, then this is the time to let it out.”

“Well, for one thing, he became very dominant with me and before I knew it I was on my hands and knees. This was the time that the man got behind me and penetrated me from behind. She was kissing me the whole time that he was giving it to me and then our intimate union was interrupted with applause all around us. Men and women of all ages were watching with rapt attention as we rode the waves of ecstasy to the enjoyment of the crowd. That is when I wake up in a cold sweat and have trouble figuring out exactly where I am. What do you think all of this means, doctor?”

“It’s not up to me to interpret your dreams, only to give you a safe forum to reveal to me the deepest and darkest desires that linger in your subconscious. These dreams are probably trying to tell you that you need to let yourself go and to feel for the first time. That was a combination of fantasies all rolled into one, with you wanting the man to teach you about letting your inner self come out. It appears also that you have a desire deep down for danger and public sex. I want you to go home and write down everything that you have done in the dream. In fact, to go one step further, I want you to sit somewhere that you feel at home and then visualize some of these fantasies coming to life. I’ll see you back here in two days to see how you’re progressing. Don’t worry, a lot of women go through the same thing that you are and I have helped them to realize their true sexuality. There’s something that I want to suggest to you, but I won’t do it until our next session. Nothing is wrong with you that can’t be cured with my type of therapy.” I got up, shook her hand and then left the office not knowing what I had actually accomplished by coming here in the first place.

Telling her about the fact that I never had a real orgasm with a man was definitely a breakthrough for me because I had never admitted that to anyone, not even to myself. To verbalize such a thing, had freed me from the burden of carrying it alone.

I got back to my apartment and I kept looking at the door down the hall not quite knowing what was drawing me to it. My apartment felt very claustrophobic and I needed some space to think over the things that had happened to me in the last few days. There was a bar down the street from my building but I had never ventured in because it just didn’t look like my sort of place. A good stiff one was just what the doctor ordered and I wasn’t talking about the male anatomy.