Queen (Mistress & Master of Restraint) (88 page)

Cortez
tenses to bolt from the room.

“Calm,” I breathe in his ear. “You do this for our Master almost on a daily basis. Ezra deserves this more than he does. You deserve a fit
punishment. What do you fear?”

“I know you’re going to make him do it to me for his punishment,” he says with a shaky voice.
“And you’d love every second,” I tease and kiss the fingertip bruises along his throat and the bruise from my fist on his jawline. “But that isn’t his punishment. You know I’m more creative than that. I’d never use a repeat,” I taunt him and he relaxes.

Ezra walks forward with his cock at half-mast. He looks at my arm that’s cradled to my belly with guilt and shame. He wants his cock in his partner’s throat, but he feels he doesn’t deserve it. I can read him better than the members of my household.

I rub the hinge of Cort’s jaw, “Open up and show him how sorry you are. He’ll make sure Katya doesn’t blame you if you show him that you’re sorry,” I whisper and kiss his earlobe.
Cort groans and opens his mouth. He even sticks his tongue out trying to reach Ezra. Ezra lets out a moan of his own as his cock swell towards the wet embrace of Cort’s eager mouth.

My eyes fall shut at their mingled moans as Ezra slides deep down Cort’s ecstatic throat. My moans join their as I hug Cort’s shoulders and rest my head on his neck. Ezra’s warm thigh brushes my cheek with every thrust.

I moan because my arm hurts like a bitch. I moan because I love the feeling of directing people to do something they refuse, but it’s for their own good. I moan because I miss the feeling of an engorged cock thrusting down my throat- the pressure, the beat, the precum that eagerly flows.

I miss satisfying my lover. But what do I know. My first lover is sickened at the sight of me. My second lover is watching from a bird’s eye view and is on the speakerphone. Lovers three and four are enjoying each other, and it makes my heart melt. Lover five- my husband- I can’t satisfy him in my natural-born state. I guess I can’t miss satisfying my lover- I’ve never done it.

I hide my face behind Cort’s neck and silently cry. It reminds me of the early morning that they became my lovers- my initiation. I’d connected them so that they’d come together as one. The emotions are the same for me this time. I cried then and I cry now. Both times Marcus looked on. I’d do anything for these assholes and I’ve proven myself time and time again.

“Cortez,” Ezra hisses.

One of Ezra’s hands fists Cort’s hair while the other affectionately pets mine. Cort’s fingers tangle with mine. Both of them are including me in their punishment- their passion. It’s so unlike the one and only time the three of us came together as one. This time it’s because we are friends and the test of time has bonded us.

I watch their faces as Ezra reaches his climax. It isn’t lust or passion that is dominant- utter devotion screams from their eyes. They hold each other’s gaze while Ezra cries out. I have to look away from the raw emotion that is expressed on both of their faces. I’ve never seen nor experienced anything that even comes close to that- maybe after the birth of my children as I gazed down at them as they suckled at my breast for the first time, but never have I ever experienced it with a lover. Never have I had another being gaze at me with raw passion and utter devotion.

I will do all that I can because Cortez and Ezra will never be whole without the other half of their soul. I don’t believe in soul mates as the ultimate lover. I believe there are people in this world that we need to be whole- whether a friend, partner, lover, child, or parent. They will be the light of your life. They chase the shadows away in the way that Whitt brings my sunshine.

I realize in this moment that as I pushed Whitt away, I was pushing myself away too. He will never be my lover or partner. He is my soul mate and I need him on a different level than I need my children and friends. I feared loving him too strongly and the fallout of falling in love with
him. I needn’t have feared that. My love for him is pure- it just is. It’s not the painful kind- the kind I feel for the asshole on the other end of the phone line.

I stand up and surreptitiously wipe my eyes free of tears. We all look a little bit shell-shocked.

“Go to Katya. I need to talk to Cort for a minute. Do as I say, Ezra,” I plead with him with my eyes and voice.

I don’t have the energy to argue and fight with him. The pain has lessened to a numb tingling, both in my arm and in my heart.

He doesn’t argue or even speak. He kisses Cort gently on the forehead and me on the lips. He whispers, “Thank you and I’m sorry about your arm, Regina.” And then he flees the room.

“Damn, I never thought he’d leave,” I joke as I fall to the sofa next to Cort.

“That really wasn’t a proper punishment,” Cort teases me softly.

“No shit, asswipe; that was the point.” I grumble and wiggle t
o find a comfortable position.

“How is your arm, really?” Cort turns his head to the side and looks me in the eyes. I contemplate telling the truth but I lie instead. I don’t want Marcus to know. I’m no longer his burden.
and at the same time if he did nothing it would confirm that he doesn’t care at all. I’d rather be in the dark than know the truth of his feelings and thoughts. So I opt to lie.

“
It’s fine,” I say firmly without a trace of the lie betraying my voice. I secretively smile to myself that I’m able to pull it off flawlessly. “How is it between you and Ezra?”

“I resent the hell out of him. The more he pushed me from Katya the more it brought back the past. We share a bed at night in a platonic sort of way. Sometimes when he thinks I’m asleep he touches me differently, and when I know he’s asleep I do touch him differently. I can’t help myself. I don’t have the balls to do it when he’s awake. Lately he’s been too crazy about Katya. He spends half of the night staring at me and t
he other half staring at her.”

“He sleeps with her,” I admit. “When she is fully asleep he joins her. Subconsciously Kat knows he’s there, but she doesn’t wake.”

“That should make me jealous and for some reason I’m not,” Cort confesses.

“I understand better than you
can imagine,” I say wistfully.

“Ah- kind of like watching your husband fuck your best friend on a nightly basis. Whitt’s cock has been in more mouths than a cutlery set,” he snickers at his joke and I roll my eyes at him.

“That doesn’t bother me at all. I watch his face and he looks happy. He’s gorgeous to look at. I can live vicariously through him,” I can hear the smile in my voice.

“Yeah, but you get to experience it firsthand,” he teases me and I don’t have the heart to tell him that it was a onetime thing.

“I bet he pretends it’s your ruby-red lips wrapped around his cock when he shoots his load,” I tease him back trying to remove the hurt from my voice, but it’s still there.

“How’s Jamie’s cock treating you?” Cort volleys back. “How do you keep all of your lovers straight?” His voice is filled with amused pride.

Ezra’s the only one who knows that I have no lover. We’ve never talked about it, but after the hurt look crossed my face one to many times he shook his head no and never again said anything about any of them. They are off limits.

“I have a proper punishment for Ezra. It won’t be painful. It is solely for healing.” I change the p
ainful subject to one of hope.

“This
I have to hear,” he chuckles.

“Yours was a skullfuck for a skullfuck, and I believe that was fair even if it was pleasurable. The issue started because Ezra was being territorial and possessive. I suggest that he has to share. I know he’s crazy at night and it causes none of you to sleep well. Tonight both of you will share Katya’s bed. She sleeps like the dead, but she will know you’re there. I want the three of you to cuddle up and sleep peacefully for
the first time in your lives.”

“Why?
” His voice cracks from shock.

“Because I love all three of you, and I want you to be happy. There is no Ezra and Katya without a Cort. There is no Cort and Ezra without a Katya. The three of you need each other to feel who
le. We need Ezra to see this.”

“You’d do that for me?” He’s misty-
eyed and flushed from emotion.

“I’ve done a lot for you, idiot. I just did something for you five minutes ago. All I’ve done lately is for you and your future happiness. You’re still my best friend,” my voice raises in a teasing lilt to cover my own intense emotions.

“But why have you been avoiding me?” Hurt flashes across his face, and I cup his cheek to chase it away.

“I’ve missed you. I always know what you’re up to thanks to my eye in the sky,” I smirk. “I know what almost everyone is up to. It’s not the same, but it is a comfort to see you. It’s just too painful,” I finally admit.

“Why is it painful? What did I do? The closer you and Ezra get, the farther away he takes you from me,” he murmurs while looking me in the eyes.

“I’ve only known Ezra recently. It’s always been about our quest to stalk and seduce Katya so you could have a happy future. Our friendship isn’t about you nor does it take my friendship from you. You are an acquired taste, but so is your batshit crazy lunatic of a partner. I know and understand you both. But when I’m near you I remember times when it wasn’t just you and me, and it’s painful to relive.”

“Why is it painful, Regina? Please help me understand,” he begs.

“Are you begging because you truly want to know or
is it because you want your listening, and very quiet Master to overhear?” I ask in suspicion.

“What?” He says hurt again. I know he wants to understand, but as charming as he is, he is even more cunning… and he sure the fuck isn’t stupid.

“Just know that it has nothing to do with you, and that I miss you. Given time the difficulty should ebb,” I say hopefully.

“I really don’t understand,” he says between clenched teeth. His frustration is etched across his handsome face.

“I need to go. I’m not avoiding the conversation, I promise. I have something I need to do before school is out for the day. I’m having all of the friendly Whittenhowers over for dinner.”

“Okay,” he pouts, and I grin at how cute a pouting Cort can be. I’m overcome with the urge
to nip his lip with my teeth.

“Tomorrow: eleven-forty-five. Meet me in the park. I know it’s still winter, but it’s supposed to almost be sixty tomorrow. Let’s chat and have a bite to eat. Maybe in the future we can do it all together. I really am fond of all three of you. You have no idea how ecstatic I will be if we manage to pull this off and everyone is happy.”

I raise and keep my arm pressed tightly to my body in fear that I will knock it on something. I look at him as he grins up at me. He tosses me a flirty smile that always means one thing. I lean down for his kiss. It’s affectionate and soft. No matter how platonic Cortez and I may be, there is something inherently sexual about him- there just is and he can’t help it. I chuckle as I pull away.
“Not on your life, cowboy,” I tease. “We both know whose lips you covet and it’s not mine.”
“It’d still feel good,” he flirts.

“Only during, but after the regrets will filter in.
Been there, done that, and felt the angst to prove it. I’ll see you tomorrow. I’m sure you and your Master have a few things to discuss before Ezra returns. I expect a report of a successful sleeping arrangement,” I warn.

“Have fun with the family. Tell the cunt I said hi,” he taunts.

“The cunt is currently on my shit-list. But I put up with her because she’s family. That’s what it means to be family.”
“What’d she do?” he asks.

“It’s Adelaide, what hasn’t she done?” I volley back. “Tomorrow,” I arch a brow at him.

“Get your arm checked out, Regina,” Marcus pipes in from the speakerphone. His deep voice is rough from disuse. I close my eyes and shudder.

“That’s my next stop,” I don’t bother lying. I knew he’d see through my lies. “I promise, Marcus,” I breathe as I cast my eyes to the floor to hide the mirrors to my soul.

“Regina,” softly caresses from the phone. I shudder again and I say a silent prayer that he isn’t in the room with me. I’d reverently fall to his feet and weep for him to take me back under his protection.

“Until next time, gentlemen,” I shyly say and wink at Cort before I make my hasty exit.
I don’t run the four blocks to Restraint. Instead I go two blocks in the opposite directions and another five to the south. My destination is the ER. This isn’t my first break. My first was the clavicle that Daniel Whittenhower smashed with a Steuben Wear paperweight in the shape of a chess piece- ironically, the queen.

Chapter Twenty-Three

There should be some kind of law that choking desolation is prohibited when you’re surrounded by your nearest and dearest. His voice has stuck with me all day. I thought the absence of Grant’s voice was bad. Noting the subtle differences from Marcus’ voice in my memories to the garbled digitalized voice of today, I realize that Grant’s voice will never be accurately transferred to the image of the mute Jamie. I’m positive that the cadence and quality of Marc’s voice is a billion times better than what I heard over the phone line today. So as I sit at the head of the Whittenhower table, within my home, I feel immense agony over two men in my life.
Marc doesn’t want me and neither does Jamie, but that isn’t what prickles the back of my eyes like battery acid. It’s the thought that I will never accurately remember the Grant I knew. I realize now that the relationship between him and I was false. Certain memories take on a new tenor now that I realize that the facial expressions or the tinkling of his laughter is most likely just as false within my memories. It’s a new kind of mourning I never expected to experience.

Another thought plagues me as I sit at the table gazing to the other end at my husband- we have a secret that will change all the lives sitting at this table. I am a liar. My children, my nieces, and my sister-in-laws don’t know that the prodigal son lives.

I want to revel in the love of my family, but I can’t because it’s just as false as my past because I hold this secret. Jamie should sit at my seat with his grown son at the other end of the table where he sits now. His son and daughter should sit on his left and right, not mine. His sisters and the two precious nieces should gaze at the beautifully wounded man.

I am the fake. I am the one who sits in a seat that isn’t hers- one she didn’t earn. I am a Whittenhower in name only. I am a Whittenhower because I bore two of its next generation. I don’t deserve to be here.

I learned this lesson while at Whittenhower Estates. My first visit I sat at the table as a guest. Every other meal was served in my room. The servants and the whores do not partake at the table. It doesn’t matter that we now sit at my table in a home that I provided; I will forever be the whore and don’t deserve to sit here. The past makes us what we are and until I invent a time machine and reverse the past, I will always be a whore.

When I look at my son, no matter how much love that shines from his eyes, I see the contract that I signed to save my own ass at the expense of his. When he calls me Mom and tells me he loves me, I remember leaving the Estates and how I never tried to say goodbye. I remember how I never tried to take him back and protect
him from the life Grant lived.

Subconsciously I’ve resented Jamie and thought him a coward. I am no different. The more these thoughts bombard me the more flood in and overtake my sense of wellbeing and self-esteem. I am a horrible person who deserves whatever horrid things that happens to her.

“Regina,” Whitt murmurs in concern from the end of the table.

I gaze up at him and see that everyone has stopped eating and is staring at me in mix of shock
and panic. It takes me a moment to realize why.

“Are you alright?” Whitt asks softly as to not spook me.

I’m silently crying- weeping. Only Ade has ever seen me shed a tear and I mean that in the singular sense, with the exception of the night Grant died.

“My arm hurts,” I reply lamel
y and half-smile at my family.

Everyone at the table assumes I’m having a  breakdown because of the loss of Grant, and Whitt looks more confused than everyone since he knows Jamie is three miles from here tucked away on the second floor writing his heart out. I’m crying because Jamie isn’t Grant. I’m crying because I miss Marcus more than I’ve missed anyone. I’ve been grieving his loss just as hard as everyone else’s. Hearing his voice today has totally wrecked me.

“How did you do that?” Ade asks softly while pointedly looking at my cast.

“Clum
sy,” I say self-deprecatingly.

I don’t dare tell her that her faux-fiancé broke my arm. It’s more than a hairline fracture, but not quite a full break. I don’t feel it at all because I’m numb to anything that isn’t emotional pain.

“Could you excuse me for a moment,” I whisper and rise to leave the dining room.

Whitt stands to join me and I shake my head no. Our children are the only ones in this room that knows he and I are married. He officially adopted Ella months ago. If he were to give me comfort it would look suspicious. Ade already assumes that I touched him inappropriately. She called me the day after I threw her out of my house and called me a pedophile. At the time she was wrong since I hadn’t had sex with him yet. I still feel guilty about it, and ashamed.

I seek the solace of my office. I don’t want to drag my pain and desolation to my bedroom. I will need to sleep eventually, and I believe that negative emotions hold weight and energy that infuse into the room and it takes a lot of positive energy to dissipate it.

“How’d it really happen, Regina? Who hurt yo
u?” Ade says from the doorway.

We may not be on speaking terms at the moment, but she isn’t stupid. She can read me better than Marcus can af
ter eighteen years at my side.

“It was an accident. It doesn’t matter. He’s sorry, and that is all that counts.” I wipe my eyes and face her.

“If it doesn’t matter than why are you crying?” She says knowingly.

“The person who did this doesn’t know they did it. It really was an accident, and it doesn’t matter. I’m not crying over them at all.”

“Why are you crying then?” She enters the room and shuts the door. Ade props her hip on the edge of my desk and gives me the
don’t give me your bullshit
stare.

“I’m lonely and sad, and that’s why I’m crying.” I hold her eyes and marvel that I ever thought them similar to Jamie’s.

“Why? I’m not stupid, Regina. I know what you’ve been doing. I know you’re screwing my brother. I’d love to know how many men it would take to occupy your lusts if all of them can’t satisfy you.” Her voice is tinged in anger, and I can tell she’s holding herself back from really lighting into me.

“I haven’t had sex in months, Ade. I’ll be honest with you. I did sleep with Whitt. It was his choice and it wasn’t about sex. He wanted his first to mean something. He didn’t want to wait a lifetime to find the right person and never experience the fun of sex. It was about affection and love, and not the dirty, nasty thoughts you’re thinking. Since that night he’s had an active, healthy, sexual appetite. You know how hard it is for a closeted gay.”

“Fine, I forgive you about Whitt. But what of Marcus and Cort?” She hisses.

I won’t confirm nor deny that I’ve ever had sex with Marcus. But know that I’m not right now and I don’t plan to in the future. I was with Cort once because I was commanded to on my initiation. It will never happen again,” I promise.

“Answer me this Regina…” She pins me with her ice-cold, blue stare. “You’ve been with five guys, correct?” I nod at her wondering where this is leading.

“Have you slept wit
h Roman yet?”

“No, and I don’t plan on it. He’s my friend. A long time ago, Cort said the reason he didn’t touch me in that manner was because you don’t shit where you eat. I was offended at the time. I get it now. Cort and Roman’s friendship is more important than a few stolen moments of pleasure. Plus it’s not like I’m some goddess running round with her ass in the air in heat. I’ve never had sex for the fun of it. It’s always meant something, or was commanded of me, or taken from me. It’s never been about two peopl
e sharing the pleasure of it.”

“What about me?” Her tone d
rops and she won’t look at me.

“That was about you, Ade, and you know it,” I say firmly waiting for her to look at me, and when she does I continue. “I’m mad at you. I won’t lie. I miss you and I love you, but I can’t so easily forgive the betrayal. You told your father of Ella to save your own ass. What makes it worse is that you knew it wouldn’t affect my daughter because no matter what you’d have her in your life. I would be the one dealing with the consequences. I can’t forgive that, Ade. We’re talking of my children,” I sob.

She winces, and I know that I’ve hit her where it hurts. An expression crosses her face- one I know well. I wait for her to hit me where it hurts.

“Five men!
I will tick them off my fingers.” She holds up her index finger and says, “My brother, Grant.” She grimaces and her middle finger pops up, “Marcus.” Ring finger salutes me and “Cort,” is spit with distaste. Her thumb screams in accusation as she says, “My brother, Whitt. I know who the pinky finger belongs to, Regina. I need to hear it from your lips,” she demands.

“Ezra,” I sob in shame. I look her in the eyes when I say his name. I’m the worst of us. I punished Kristal for less.

“Thank you,” she says softly and turns to leave.

“Wait,” I call out to her and grab her wrist. “I need you to know that the first time was during my initiation. It wasn’t about me, but it was my choice. I needed Cort and Ezra to reconnect. The second time wasn’t by choice, but every time after the lines were blurred and I don’t know why I did it or why he wanted to. I love him, Ade. I want the best for him, and I wanted him to heal. We don’t touch that way anymore. We’re more likely to
cut each other up than kiss.”

“We’re even now, Regina,” her face is deathly pale and her voice is empty. I drop
her wrist as if she burned me.

“How do you equate a human being, I created with your dead brother, that I grew inside my body, with someone you were betrothed to?” I ask aghast. 

“No, this isn’t about Ezra. It’s about what you just said. You said ‘I want the best for him’ meaning not me. You’ve always believed it’s him and Cortez,” she hisses.

“I knew it when I met them when they were fourteen and you knew it too. They were destined to
be together.” 

“If that is true then why are you working your ass off to combine them with the one person who holds my freedom in her hands? I’m not stupid and neither are you. I know you know that Diane is my Master and lover. She knows as much as your Master does. I know what you’ve been up to.
My best friend- my sister!” She screams at the top of her lungs- the sound pierces my eardrums and shatters my heart.

“The betrayal isn’t about you fucking that piece of shit rapist. I know he raped you and yet you say you love him and will do anything for him. I’ve known it and waited for you to come to me. I wanted to be your shoulder to cry on. I waited for you to warn me that my fiancé was unstable and dangerous, but you didn’t,” she shakes her head sadly and tears fly off her cheeks. She stares at me with unadulterated hatred.

“The betrayal is that you threw away our friendship, our trust, our love to help him find and connect with Katya. It isn’t my father that will put me in WinterCrest,” she seethes and points at me. “It’s you!” Her chest rapidly rises and falls as I sit in stunned silence.

“Yeah, kill me for telling my father that he has a granddaughter while he broke down over the
loss of his only son. Yeah, I know you know that Whitt is Grant’s child. I told my father only one secret of many. I know all of your secrets and yet I keep them all. I do it because I love you,” she screams.

“You say you love me and miss me. Actions speak louder than words, Regina. You betray me at every turn. I keep your secrets because I love you, because my death would happen if I spoke them aloud, and because it is necessary and hazardous to Diane’s plans. I’d love to scream that my brother is alive and living in a Brownstone three miles from here. I’d love to tell the world that my father tried to kill him. But he’d have me killed too. I mean nothing to him now that Katya is here. That is why he’s committing me. I know too fucking much!” Her whisper screa
m is filled with hopelessness.

I yank her into my arms and pull us to the floor. I hold her while she sobs and speaks words of gibberish. Only I k
now the words are sworn truth.

“I’m too much of a liability. He doesn’t have the stomach to kill another child. He can’t do it because it would upset Niel. But who would believe the ramblings of an insane child. That is why WinterCrest is my future. While you systematically wrecked my future, Diane was trying to save me. I’ve wanted to run but it doesn’t benefit this stupid vengeful game she’s playing. She wants me in that disgusting place because it will haunt you and Whitt. I could have told him that Whitt knows that Grant is alive, that you and Whit are married and he adopted Ella. I could have told him that you plan on taking over on Whitt’s birthday. I could have told him all of this to save my ass, but it wouldn’t have helped. Believe me I wanted to. Every time you betrayed me again I wanted to, but it wouldn’t have mattered because he would have just committed me anyway because I knew too much. Good luck, Regina, you’ll need it.”

Ade stands over me and stares down at me in hatred. I want to say something- anything- but the words won’t come. She’s right; she’s one more of my victims.