Reasons Mommy Drinks (9 page)

Angelina Jolie. Natalie Portman. Beyoncé. It seems like all of Hollywood can pop out a baby and look effortlessly malnourished the next day. Mariah Carey shit out twins and eight minutes later was the nude spokesmodel for Weight Watchers. Mommy wishes she wasn’t still living in her Gap maternity jeans, but unfortunately she doesn’t have a personal trainer or a weight-loss-inducing habit like heroin. According to Mommy’s number-one online news source, People.com, movie-star matriarchs insist that the secret to losing the pregnancy weight is “carrying around a baby all day!” Mommy knows this is celebrity-speak for bulimia, because no A-lister carries her own child. Plus, Mommy actually does carry you all day and the only thing she has to show for it is a herniated disc. Though Mommy admits she loves that her new double Ds look like they were done by Dr. 90210, she sometimes longs to look glamorously on the brink of death like Too-Posh-to-Push Spice.

INGREDIENTS

3 ounces pink Moët

½ ounce Grand Marnier

½ ounce lime juice

2 ounces orange juice

INSTRUCTIONS

Chill a Champagne flute and fill it with ice. Pour in all the ingredients and gently stir. Enjoy every caloric sip, unlike actual celebrities, who subsist only on air and the perpetual need for validation.

HOW BADLY YOU NEED THIS DRINK

It’s not just the coke-thin Hollywood moms that give Mommy a complex. The celebri-tots look just as glam being carried by their nannies and dressed head to toe in Burberry Baby. Mommy shops off-the-rack (the sales rack) at H&M Kids in a futile attempt at Keeping Up with the Kardashi-babies. At least she can take comfort in knowing that those Tiffany silver spoon–fed babies have the worst names ever (“Son, we named you after a paint color”) and that their careers will peak on the reality show
My Mom Was a Celebrity and Now I’m in Rehab
, premiering summer 2037. Besides, Mommy is on trend since having a baby is “the hottest accessory of the season” according to
In Style
. It’s just that sometimes she quietly wishes she also had a Birkin bag to tote your diapers in.

INGREDIENTS

1 ounce light rum

1 ounce coconut liqueur

3 ounces guava juice

Splash of grenadine

INSTRUCTIONS

Fill a glass with ice. Pour in all the ingredients and stir. Enjoy while finally reading that 2012 issue of
People
you found jammed in a drawer. Wait, Poehler and Arnett broke up? NOOOOoooooooo!

HOW BADLY YOU NEED THIS DRINK

As Mommy nurses you at 3
AM
in front of Lifetime, it occurs to her that every labor scene in every movie ever produced is total bullshit. Real labor lasts for what felt like eight years, but in the movies there’s always a mad rush to the hospital and the baby’s delivered with only minutes to spare. Also, every birth scene is scripted with the following dialogue:

Despite her pleas, it’s always “too late” for the epidural. After three pushes that look less challenging than introductory Pilates, out emerges the “newborn,” plucked from an Anne Geddes calendar and looking six months old. In the biopic about Mommy’s life, she’s pretty sure the scene that comes next—where you’re screaming and she’s sobbing as she attempts to latch you to her throbbing boobs while perched on a bag of frozen peas—will end up on the cutting room floor.

INGREDIENTS

5 fresh strawberries

4 fresh basil leaves

Squeeze of lemon

½ ounce simple syrup

1½ ounces vodka

3 ounces club soda

Wedge of lemon

INSTRUCTIONS

Muddle the strawberries, with green leaves removed, and basil in a mixing glass. Pour in the lemon juice, simple syrup, and vodka. Transfer the mixture to an ice-filled glass and top with club soda. Stir and garnish with a lemon wedge. Pour yourself one just before the scene where the protagonist slips back into her size 0 wardrobe the day after she gives birth.

HOW BADLY YOU NEED THIS DRINK