Reasons Mommy Drinks (2 page)

Something gross was probably sprayed on you.

Prepare drink immediately. Chase with a hot shower.

Situation critical! Code Johnnie Walker Red!

Get a cocktail shaker and an IV line stat!

The baby shower is a painful rite of passage, cleverly disguised with adorable pink or blue ribbons that later become an embarrassing hat. Well-educated, properly raised, successful women resort to eating baby food, guessing how fat Mommy is, and melting Oh Henry! bars in diapers to simulate poo. The other Mommies in the room share heartwarming labor anecdotes (“I ripped all the way to my asshole!”) while the single girls silently curse the fact that there’s never any booze at these things and make mental notes never to forget to take their birth control again. For some reason, Daddy isn’t subjected to the baby shower, unless you consider a couple of guys from work taking him to Hooters “for the wings” a celebration of your upcoming birth. Mommy really got the raw end (but no raw sushi!) of this deal. Though she is grateful for the generous gifts, she wishes she could have been as tipsy as she was at her bridal shower to help her feign enthusiasm when unwrapping Udderly Smooth: for cracked, bleeding nipples.

INGREDIENTS

½ cup pitted dates

½ cup strawberries

1 cup orange juice

1 banana

1½ ounces maple syrup

INSTRUCTIONS

Combine all the ingredients with cracked ice in a blender and blend until smooth. Enjoy during Braxton Hicks.

HOW BADLY YOU NEED THIS DRINK

Mommy was obviously high on folic acid when she decided to spend her final pre-baby days in a hospital basement, role-playing labor scenarios. The class begins with icebreakers. Mommy’s not sure what’s more uncomfortable: your foot pressing against her bladder or watching Daddy compete for the title of wittiest heckler. The fun and games end when a graphic vaginal birth unfolds before Daddy’s eyes, courtesy of a Betamax tape circa 1977. Mommy suspects Daddy regrets the egg salad sandwich he purchased from the hospital cafeteria, which is confirmed when she sees him swallow a mouthful of vomit.
Ooooh, here comes more awkward tomfoolery!
The middle-aged instructor drops to the floor to dramatize her own labor experience and contorts her floral-printed palazzo pants into a pretzel-like formation over her head while chanting a Buddhist mantra. Mommy should be taking copious notes about what to do when her first contraction hits, but she’s on a pleasure cruise down a river called De Nial. Fact: She spends a large portion of the class having name fights with Daddy via text. In hindsight, prenatal class was a colossal waste of money as literally nothing about your birth went according to plan. See next entry.

INGREDIENTS

5 ounces chilled sparkling nonalcoholic cider

2 ounces peach nectar

Splash of lemon juice

INSTRUCTIONS

Chill a Champagne flute. Pour in all the ingredients, stir, and enjoy your final days of freedom. You have no idea.

HOW BADLY YOU NEED THIS DRINK

After two decades of training cramps, it’s time to put Mommy’s pain tolerance to the ultimate test. The Marathon of Pain begins when Mommy’s water breaks, flooding her Heidi Klum Under Belly leggings and leading her to scream, “Is this actually happening?” as if the excruciating pain consuming her whole body wasn’t clue enough. Meanwhile, the masterful contraction-timing techniques that Daddy picked up from YouTube elude him in the heat of the moment. He does manage to locate the four least important items from Mommy’s extensive hospital packing list before cramming her gargantuan belly into the car. Within five minutes of triage, Mommy’s eighteen-step birth plan (which included barring med students from her vagina and playing Enya on repeat) goes down the drain, as does the goat cheese and mushroom wrap she ate for lunch. Following the advice of her doula, she’s opted for a natural childbirth,
^*
so Mommy screams her way through eight hours of
Zero Dark Thirty
torture, much to the horror of the entire B wing. At one point, she begs for the epidural, but Daddy gently reminds her of their natural, pharma-free strategy. Mommy tries to murder Daddy with her bare hands. The rest is a complete blackout from her memory, which is apparently nature’s way of ensuring that women procreate again. The truth is that if Mommies could accurately remember and retell the ripping, the spilling of bodily fluids, and the tearing from tip to tail, the whole human race would cease to exist.

INGREDIENTS

4 ounces tomato juice

1 ounce lime juice

¼ teaspoon horseradish

Tabasco sauce to taste

Worcestershire sauce to taste

Pinch of salt

Pinch of freshly ground pepper

Wedge of lime

INSTRUCTIONS

Fill a glass with the tomato and lime juices. Add the horseradish, Tabasco, Worcestershire, salt, and pepper and stir. Garnish with a lime wedge. Serve over ice chips.