Reasons Mommy Drinks (5 page)

After weeks under house arrest, Mommy emerges into the bright lights of humanity and Hollywood to attend a Mommy and Me movie. Mommy is so desperate to go out she’ll see anything, even a movie starring Anne Hathaway. A broken elevator and grueling half hour spent navigating your monster stroller through the parking lot’s M. C. Escher stair system later, Mommy splurges on a bucket of buttery popcorn that immediately offsets any postpartum weight loss. The movie is already ten minutes in, but Mommy can’t hear what’s going on anyway over the Dolby digital surround-sound screeching of colicky babies, including you. Mommy spends the next 102-minute running time running up and down the aisles attempting to soothe you. Unfortunately, the moment you fall asleep coincides with the exact moment of an unexpected plot twist involving a massive explosion. This not only jolts you awake but also makes you shit your pants, forcing Mommy to line up for the communal change table lined with 312 strains of bacteria. Great news! With the lights left partially on, she can see you’ve actually shit on her. Mommy doesn’t know who is most deserving of her sympathy: herself, the teenagers who didn’t know it was Mommy and Me day and are hating life, or the one uncomfortable Dad in the crowd who is flanked by row upon row of exposed, engorged nipples. Roll credits.

INGREDIENTS

1 ounce Silver Patrón tequila

1½ ounces orange juice

1½ ounces grapefruit juice

1½ ounces cranberry juice

INSTRUCTIONS

Fill a glass with ice. Pour in all the ingredients and stir.

NOTE

Pairs well with microwave popcorn and your dusty DVD collection.

HOW BADLY YOU NEED THIS DRINK

Your cousin’s outgrown car seat models were taking up prime storage space for five years before Mommy learned that car seats have expiration dates. Seriously? The Corolla in which it will be installed is one frost away from collapse, but apparently it’s the gently used Britax Marathon that’s obsolete. Time to spend another $200 on something you’ll outgrow in less time than you spent in the womb. At least babies love going for a drive and immediately drift off to sleep when placed in a car seat. Except, for some reason, you. You scream like
Saw 4
is being filmed in the backseat for the entire ride. Not even Mommy’s Madonna megamix can soothe you. Even though all the windows are rolled up, the other drivers can see your tears and are giving Mommy the “Bad Mother” glare. Unfortunately, she has to put you in the car seat to get to her Mommy groups, which are a whole other reason Mommy needs a drink.

INGREDIENTS

2 ounces pear juice

2 ounces apple juice

Splash of lemon juice

Sage leaf

INSTRUCTIONS

Combine the pear, apple, and lemon juices in a shaker with ice. Shake well and strain into an ice-filled glass. Garnish with a sage leaf.

HOW BADLY YOU NEED THIS DRINK

While on maternity leave, Mommy is forced to travel in unchartered social circles known as Mommy groups. Gatherings take place at rotating houses belonging to the other Mommies from her prenatal class. She would never normally socialize with most of these people, but all her real friends are working and Mommy is desperate. With babies either asleep in Graco car seats or suckling at breasts, most Mommy group sessions are giant bitchfests about latching problems, lack of sleep, and useless husbands. Mommy chronically forgets to pack the Hooter Hider before leaving home, which means pulling a Janet Jackson to quell your hunger squeals before they drown out Norah Jones. Mommy groups can be weirdly competitive. These women boast about their eight-week-old’s above-average bowel movements and compare push gifts from Tiffany. Most of the women also insist on baking everything from scratch, and this poses a problem when it’s Mommy’s turn to host because she has no idea how an oven works. This quickly snowballs into a giant charade of buying gluten-free muffins at Whole Foods and burning all the evidence. Mommy is exhausted from pretending to be interested in their parenting styles (“My Liam is self-actualized!”) and nanny searches (“Manuela has an early childhood education degree, but she’s
from an island
”), but when faced with the alternative of social isolation and meals eaten out of a peanut butter jar, Mommy finds herself counting down the minutes until the next meeting.

INGREDIENTS

Equal parts any boxed wine and Perrier

INSTRUCTIONS

Fill a glass with ice. Pour in the wine and Perrier, and stir.

HOW BADLY YOU NEED THIS DRINK