Reasons Mommy Drinks (11 page)

INGREDIENTS

Chocolate syrup

½ ounce vodka

½ ounce coffee liqueur

½ ounce Irish cream

Splash of milk

INSTRUCTIONS

Drizzle chocolate syrup around the inside rim of a glass, and then fill the glass with ice. Pour in the vodka, coffee liqueur, Irish cream, and milk and stir.

HOW BADLY YOU NEED THIS DRINK

Sometimes your explosive poo becomes even more explosive. This means you’re sick. Even though Mommy struggles to remember a two-week stretch in your existence where you
weren’t
exhibiting some symptom of illness, seeing that first trickle of green snot oozing from your nose still sends her into a tailspin of hysteria. Cue obsessive WebMD surfing and an exponential increase in the number of orders barked at Daddy. The Internet is never wrong, so she confirms that you have West Nile Virus. After a four-hour trip to the emergency room, it turns out it’s just a common cold. Now Mommy is faced with the moral dilemma of whether to quarantine you at the expense of her sanity or drag you and your germs to music class, where you’ll undoubtedly lick multiple tambourines and shove your snot-drenched finger into any open infant mouth within reach. Mommy chooses the latter, armed with a story involving allergy season if challenged.

INGREDIENTS

1 bottle cold ale

Shot of tomato juice

INSTRUCTIONS

Pour the ale and tomato juice into a pint-sized glass. Chase with echinacea.

NOTE

Cheers to your health (while you can, because guess what? You’re catching that cold tomorrow).

HOW BADLY YOU NEED THIS DRINK

Mommy Brain: noun \’mä-mē \’brān\. A phenomenon whereby a mother’s previously sophisticated cognitive capacity rapidly diminishes to that of an ousted
Bachelor
contestant. Fueled by chronic sleep deprivation, overexposure to
The Very Hungry Caterpillar
, and speaking exclusively in nonsense syllables and baby talk, the condition is characterized by the sufferer’s inability to perform previously routine tasks such as matching a skirt and top, finding her phone in her purse, and reading anything other than PerezHilton.com without needing to consult her Dictionary app. The condition can be reversed, in theory, when the sufferer’s offspring embarks on fourth-grade math and she is forced to figure out what the fuck long division is all over again.

INGREDIENTS

Blue curaçao

Sugar

¾ ounce Amaretto

¾ ounce melon liqueur

INSTRUCTIONS

Chill a glass. Rim it with blue curaçao and then sugar. Fill the glass with crushed ice, pour in the Amaretto and melon liqueur, and stir. Serve with a blank stare.

HOW BADLY YOU NEED THIS DRINK

Mommy has never spent more time at the mall than she has while on maternity leave. The spacious family washrooms, climate-controlled promenades, and stroller-friendly food court make it Disneyland for Maternity Mommies. The irony of this is that Mommy has never been more broke; however, she can’t resist falling into Baby Gap. Price check: This miniature pair of skinny jeans costs more than the pair Mommy’s wearing. Mommy’s maternity-leave benefits barely cover a Mega Mango Jamba Juice, but Visa will cover this argyle sweater vest with skull-and-crossbones embroidery. A bear riding a motorcycle? On a Onesie? Clearly you need to own this. (Sociopolitical pause: Mommy really hopes that these clothes weren’t made by children not much older than you.) Oooh, little shoes! Mommy will buy several pairs, because you can’t walk yet, so that makes perfect sense. Mommy’s closet looks like the “before” segment on
Extreme Makeover
, but your wardrobe could be a photo essay in
Vogue
.

INGREDIENTS

½ ounce cherry brandy

½ ounce light rum

½ ounce dark rum