Relative Happiness (19 page)

Lexie grinned.

She jumped on the couch beside her and shoved Lexie's shoulder, almost spilling the juice. “So? Tell me! What was it
like
?”

“Who knew it could be so exhausting.”

“I really, really hate you.”

Lexie grinned again.

“I want details, Lexie. Put me out of my misery.”

“This is all mine. I can't share him with anyone.”

“You always were a
stupid cow
!”

They smiled at each other, and Susie got up off the couch, but not before giving Lexie a pat on the knee. “Good for you Lex.”

“Thanks, Susie.”

“I guess this means I'll have to stay with Tom and Patty for the week.”

“Do you mind?”

“Of course, I mind. But if it's not going to be me, it might as well be you. Oh, you mean the cabin? No, I don't mind about the cabin.”

They started to giggle.

Her days were full of hiking in the Highlands, boat tours and beach combing. But her nights were full of Joss. He came to her every evening, after a day of helping his friends with their boats. He'd shut the cabin door and give her that grin.

“Come here, Lexie.”

Lexie got up one morning and tiptoed out of bed. She didn't usually make him breakfast. He wouldn't let her. He'd say there was only one thing he wanted before he left for the day, and it didn't require a toaster. She'd slap his hand and tell him not to be so greedy, but he always got his way.

By the time he woke up, she had orange juice, eggs and bacon and a mound of whole wheat toast waiting for him. That and a big pot of coffee.

He mumbled from the bedroom. “Lexie?”

“I'm in here. Come and get it.”

“You come here first.”

“No way. This toast will get cold.”

“I don't want toast.”

She sat at the table and picked up a piece of bacon. “Never mind then. I'll eat it all myself.” She took a bite and poured herself a cup of coffee.

He finally showed up in the curtained doorway with only his jeans on. He leaned against the crossbar with his arms over his head and gave her a smirk. “You sure you don't want to get in here?”

She willed herself to stay seated, even though every nerve ending in her body sparked.

“Joss, believe it or not, I'm sure there's lots of things we could do besides make love.”

“Yeah, but nothing's as much fun.”

“Fine. Let's just say, you have to keep your energy up.”

He laughed and sat at the table. He rubbed his hands together. “This actually looks good.”

She dipped a piece of toast in the soft egg yolk on her plate. “Wow. Thanks for the compliment.”

He smiled at her, stuffed a piece of toast in his mouth, then washed it down with coffee. “I'm sure you're a wonderful cook. You're pretty good at everything else.”

She looked at him under her lashes. “Only pretty good?”

He held his hands up. “I stand corrected. The word I'm looking for is fantastic.”

She picked up another piece of bacon, but instead of eating it, she broke it into pieces. “You probably say that to every girl you're with.”

He cut his eggs with his fork. “Actually, I don't.” He shovelled half a fried egg in his mouth and chewed it.

Lexie kept ripping. “How would I know?”

He glanced at her. “I guess you'll have to trust me.”

She sighed and dropped the bacon. “I don't know you well enough to trust you.”

He looked exasperated. “You know everything about me. This is it. This is who I am and what I do. It's as uncomplicated as that.”

“You're an open book.”

“What?”

“Nothing.”

He put his fork down and leaned his elbows on the table. “Lexie, what do you want from me?”

“Nothing.”

“Again, nothing. Are you sure about that?”

She couldn't look at him. She couldn't tell him she wanted everything.

“Lexie?”

She got up and pushed their breakfast dishes away with one sweep of her arm. He reached out, grabbed her wrist and pulled her on his lap.

She opened her robe. “I want you.”

One night the full moon shone in the window. She could see the black silhouette of a giant fir tree against its ancient light. There was so much beauty in the world, if one took the time to see it. An owl hooted. The wind was still.

Joss lay beside her, propped up on his elbow, looking at her. The moonlight gave his skin a silver glow. He rubbed his thumb back and forth, gently, over her lips. She took his thumb into her mouth and bit it. When he slid it out, she reached for his hand and pressed her palm against his. She entwined her fingers and made their hands one.

“What are we doing?” she whispered.

“Shh.”

She smiled and looked back over his shoulder at the moon. She watched it, as he watched her.

He said, “You're the one I'll never forget.”

She pulled him to her and the moon disappeared.

The morning they were leaving, Lexie went to the beach by herself. It was foggy and cold. She heard a foghorn in the distance. It moaned its deep sound and warned the fishermen to take care.

She would miss this beach. This was where she met him. They said their goodbyes the night before. She didn't let herself feel anything. It was what it was. He told her that right from the beginning, and she believed him. There was no way to end it, so she had to walk away. She knew what she was doing. She was a big girl. And it was worth every moment.

She stared out at the ocean. Mist lay above the waves and made the line between earth and water vanish. It was grey, all of it. No beginning and no end.

She felt his arms go around her waist. He came up behind her in the damp morning air. Somehow it didn't surprise her, but she stayed focussed. She had to. She didn't turn around.

He held her. She put her arms over his and pressed his hands against her belly. She would be grateful to him for the rest of her life.

Joss let her go and didn't look back as he walked to the truck. He got in and rubbed his eyes with his thumb and forefinger. He sighed, reached into his shirt pocket and took out a package of smokes. He lit a cigarette and took a couple of drags, but didn't make a move to start the engine.

People were milling around packing up. He saw Donalda out of the corner of his eye. She approached the truck and he pretended not to see her. She came up to the window anyway and knocked on it. He had no choice but to roll it down.

“So you're off?”

“Yes.”

“If you're ever in town, give me a call. We could have a good time. I'd make it worth your while.”

God
. “Take care of Lexie.”

Her face darkened. “Don't be stupid. Lexie takes care of Lexie. She'll help herself to someone else's man before the night is over. Don't you worry.”

He flicked his butt at her. It didn't miss by much. He turned the key and threw the truck in gear. His wheels churned up the gravel as he left.

Shit.

Lexie returned to her little house. Everything was wonderfully the same. She was completely different.

She was alive. She was awake, for the first time in her life. The memory of Joss was something she could play like a record, over and over, as she sat by the fire with Sophie. Her evenings weren't lonely anymore. A real live man had loved her. Not a fantasy. She didn't have to imagine any more what it was like to be taken. She knew.

Everyone was still distracted by Willie's death, but they could see the fresh air and sunshine had done her a lot of good. She should have guessed it would be Marlene who'd sniff out the difference.

She sidled up to her one day at work. “You got some, didn't ya?”

Lexie looked at her. “You bet. And it was fantastic.”

Judy was a little more subtle. “You're always smiling these days. Did you have a nice time?”

“The very best of my life.”

Judy and Marlene had exactly the same thing to say when she started throwing up every morning in the bathroom at work.

“She is, isn't she?”

“She sure is.”

Chapter Nine

She knew before she looked at the blue stripe in the plastic gizmo. Sophie sat on the windowsill and watched her. Lexie glanced at her pussycat. Sophie gave her small mew, as if to ask…well, what's it say?

She sat in the bathroom for a long time. She tried to keep her heart from bursting. She was overjoyed. She floated in the air. Her very own little baby, Joss's baby. She hugged herself and put her hands on her tummy.

“Oh hello, little darlin'. Mommy loves you so much already.”

Then she burst into tears. She didn't know how on earth she would tell Beth.

She swore Susie to secrecy. She had to figure out how to break the news to her family.

“What are you going to do?” Susie wanted to know.

She and Sue walked in the mall, shopping for nothing in particular. It was a good way to pace without having to go back and forth too quickly.

“That's what I want you to tell me. Think of something.”

“They'll find out this time tomorrow. You've put on weight already. Your mom will sign you up for a gym membership before the week is out.”

“Oh, you're right,” she sighed, “This is hopeless.”

Susie put her hand on her arm. “If it makes you feel any better, I'm really happy for you. This baby's very lucky to have you for a mom.”

“Thanks, Susie. That means a lot.”

She told her father first. She knocked on his study door.

“Come.”

She stepped inside. “Hi Dad.”

“Princess, how lovely to see you. To what do I owe the pleasure?”

She would ease into it slowly. She rehearsed everything. She'd be calm and rational.

She blubbered instead.

“I'm going to have a baby and I don't know how to tell Beth!”

She grabbed the Kleenex box on his desk and pulled out twelve sheets. He patiently waited for her to calm down and stop crying. He seemed weary, but he smiled at her.

“Well, now, this is good news for a change. Is it something you're happy about?”

“Oh Daddy, I'm thrilled. I want this baby. I've wanted a baby of my own for so long. I never, ever thought it would happen to me. When I think of it I want to sing to the heavens and tell the whole world, but I can't.”

“Why not?”

“You know why. Because of Willie. It will break Beth's heart if I have a baby now. I can't be around her. I can't tell her how happy I am. She's devastated. I don't know what to do.” She hiccuped and blew her nose.

He sat for long time. He didn't say anything. She wondered if he was disappointed.

“I'm very happy for you Lexie. You'll make a wonderful mother.” He folded his hands. “Yes, your sister will be upset. Not because she's not happy for you. She'll have a hard time dealing with a new baby in the family, that's all. And we can't blame her, can we? And you'll want to brag to your sisters. That's only natural. We'll take it one step at a time. Let Beth deal with it however she sees fit. It's difficult, but not impossible.”

He always knew what to say. She calmed down. He was right. Beth had every right to be sad. She had every right to be happy.

“What about the father?”

“Oh.” Lexie hadn't thought about what she would say about Joss. She'd been too wrapped up about the baby.

She decided to tell her father the truth. “Actually Dad, he was someone I met on my camping trip. I loved him. He was wonderful. I'm very excited he's the baby's father but I'll never see him again.”