Relative Happiness (22 page)

When they were done, Lexie and her mom walked along the corridor of the doctor's office. That's when she looked up and saw Lillian Holmes coming towards them. Lillian hadn't seen them. Lexie was about to open her mouth when her mother said, “Walk straight ahead.”

Lexie was a mother herself but she immediately turned into a little girl and followed her mother's instructions. She didn't know what else to do.

As they got closer, Lillian lifted her eyes. She gave a start and then glanced around as if to escape but it was too late. Her mother marched forward.

“Lillian. How nice to see you again. I believe you know my daughter Lexie.”

“Yes,” Lillian said faintly. “How are you Lexie?”

Lexie nodded her head. She didn't trust herself to speak.

“I don't believe you've met the newest member of our family. This is Lexie's son Joshua. The apple of his grandfather's eye.”

“He's lovely.”

“William and I have such a wonderful time with him. After the loss of a precious grandson, we're so grateful to have Joshua in our lives. It helps us deal with the pain. Life can be cruel sometimes, can't it?”

“Yes.”

“It was nice to see you again. We better get this child home before he gets cranky. Come Lexie.”

Mom walked by Lillian with her head held high. Lexie walked behind her.

“Oh Mom, I'm so proud of you,” she gushed in the parking lot.

Mom got in the car and promptly burst into tears.

Kate was on the phone.

“Lexie, would you and Joshua like to come with us to Montreal this May?”

“Montreal?”

“Yeah. We're involved in a rather large project. It's too complicated to get into.”

“I'm too stupid to understand, right?”

Kate laughed. “Something like that.”

“Hag.”

Kate ignored her. “Some of the researchers are based at McGill University and a friend on sabbatical offered us his place for the duration of our stay. It's quite big apparently, and smack in the middle of downtown. I thought it might be an opportunity for you to get a breather. You know, from everything?”

Lexie was blessed to have a baby sister like Kate. She always came to her rescue. On the other hand, Lexie was having a hard time with Beth. Sometimes she felt she had to hide away, keep her son under wraps, so Beth wouldn't see him.

It was impossible after awhile. His grandparents loved to have Joshua over. The girls wanted him. He was the biggest doll they ever played with. They constantly whined for Lexie to visit. Christmas was especially difficult. Mom and Dad wanted pictures of themselves with their grandchildren, their gift to each other. They had a photographer come to the house.

It seemed to Lexie that Beth snubbed Joshua. It should be her son in that picture, not Lexie's. “It should be both of them,” Lexie told her.

“I know that,” she snapped. “I'm just sick to death of Mom and Dad saying our only grandson. Josh is not their only grandson. Willie was their first grandson.”

“They don't mean it like that. It's difficult to explain to people.”

Beth whipped around. “Do you know how horrible it is, to say you have four children, when you have five? To tell people their names and leave Willie's out? He hasn't disappeared for me, like he has for everyone else. He's my child. Just because I can't see him anymore doesn't mean he never existed. He's here in this room as surely as the girls are.”

Beth's eyes started to water. “You know what really hurts?” She turned to look out the kitchen window. “There are days like today when I can't stand it anymore. The light is the same as the day he died. The wind is the same. Some trigger of that terrible day hits me in the face.”

Beth looked back at Lexie.

“Your body remembers, even when you try desperately to distract yourself. Your body remembers and you live it all over again.” Beth hugged her arms across her chest to try and hold it in.

Lexie looked down at the floor. It was too hard to see Beth's face.

“Lexie, I know it's difficult for you. But I get frustrated, so angry
,
when I see the five of them out there. There should be six. Sometimes I do look at Joshua and think,
why's he allowed to stay
? I love Joshua, but why can't Willie be here too? That's all. Why can't he be here with his grandparents too? It's so unfair.”

“I know.”

“Actually, Lex, you don't.”

Joss drove down Smokey, on his way to Sydney to buy Christmas gifts for his fifteen nieces and nephews. His mother was delighted to see him. She baked his favourite desserts. His old man was his usual self, obstinate and opinionated. He insisted he was more than capable of handling his lobster boat next season. With the help of Jimmy, a local kid, and Skipper, he'd be fine.

Skipper was a yellow Labrador, a loyal and intelligent dog. No one would believe Joss when he'd tell them his father's dog could steer a lobster boat. Not for hours, mind you, and only in a straight line, but he kept the wheel steady when Danny and Jimmy hauled in the traps. But that didn't afford Helen much comfort. Danny was now in his seventies. He was still a big, strong man, but Helen knew how he suffered with the pain of his arthritic joints from the damp and fog.

His dad didn't look too bad to Joss, who reminded his mother that Danny was the type of man who'd rather die in the boat than on a hospital bed. Most lobster fishermen didn't even know how to swim. They never wanted to get into the water once they docked for the day. If they went over the side, they went over the side.

Helen got cross.

“What is it with men? Why do they think it's a good thing if one day they sail away and never come home? Do they ever think of the women they leave behind? The ones who watch from shore?”

Joss had nothing to say to that. His mother wouldn't have heard it anyway. She left her kitchen in a huff.

Joss looked at his list when he got to the mall and had armloads of parcels before he knew it. The place was packed. There were a lot of men about, it being only a few days before Christmas, and he ran into a number of people he knew. Everyone from Neil's Harbour came down to the city to shop, but of all the people he ran into that day, one of them had to be Donalda. He was actually excited to see her. Joss couldn't remember Tom's last name, so he had planned on phoning some of his mates to get Tom's number once Christmas was over. And Tom, in turn, would surely keep in touch with Lexie.

But here was Donalda, a convenient shortcut to his plan.

“Hi Donalda.”

She turned around and looked like she was about to faint.

“How are you?”

“What are you doing here?”

“Shopping. How's Lexie?”

She didn't answer him. Perhaps she couldn't hear him. There was a lot of noise, what with “Jingle Bells” turned up full blast.

“How's Lexie?” he said louder.

“She's married.”

He turned around and left.

He was there for Christmas but told his parents he had to leave the next day, that something had come up at work. His mother went into the yard to say good-bye. Aaron was in the truck, ready to take him to the airport.

She gave him a big squeeze. She only came up to his chest.

“Take care, son. I'll miss you. When will you come home again?”

“I don't know, Ma.”

He gave her one last kiss.

“Christ Almighty,” Aaron yelled. “Enough with the goodbyes. Get in the goddamn truck.”

Joss watched as he left the earth. The ground got farther and farther away. He watched until he could make out the shoreline, the coast, then the Highlands in the distance. The hills where he had loved her. He watched until he could watch no more.

He watched as he descended to earth. The ground got closer and closer. He watched the city lights spread over the landscape like a grid map, so different from the one he'd left behind many, many hours ago.

Binti clung to him, with her tiny arms around his neck the entire time. The flight attendants had to put his tray on the seat beside him. They fussed over them both. He was grateful to be in first class. There were empty seats around him and it was easier for Binti to settle down in the quiet. She was rattled easily by noise and confusion.

They touched down and stayed put until everyone was off the aircraft. The kind airline crew told him how sweet his little girl was, how good she was. She never cried the whole way, even over the ocean turbulence. He thanked them and walked down the gangway, through the airport and finally to the big sliding doors. They opened and there were his mother and father.

His mother put her fingers to her mouth, so she wouldn't sob out loud. His dad nodded and looked stoic. He walked over and stood in front of them.

Adrian cried.

His mother wrapped her arms around them both.

“It's okay, honey. You did it. You'll be alright now. It's going to be alright.”

She kissed her wonderful son and smiled into the eyes of her only grandchild.

Chapter Eleven

It was hard for her parents to say goodbye to Josh. She'd only be gone a month but it seemed like forever to them. As her mother mentioned numerous times, a month away from a child who was almost a year old was an awfully long time.

Lexie was on maternity leave so she didn't have much to arrange, only to convince Sophie it wasn't the end of the world that she had to go back to her grandmother's house. Lexie asked Susan to visit Sophie from time to time, and to sneak her some treats when Mom was out of view. Sue promised to undergo this covert mission with complete discretion.

Betsy was packed to the rafters. Joshua required more equipment than a circus sideshow. The morning she left for Halifax, Lexie drove to her parents' house to say goodbye. Mom ran out the back door. She grabbed Josh before Lexie could protest, insisting that she had to hug him properly. She covered him with kisses.

“You come and live with Grammy. We'll send Sophie off to Montreal with mommy. You can stay here. Won't that be fun? Won't that be fun?”

Joshua put his big hands on both her cheeks and giggled. She grabbed one of his palms and kissed it over and over. She was so upset.

Dad came out and held out his hands for him. Mom reluctantly passed him over. He walked to the big crab apple tree and they stood there for awhile. Josh reached out to touch the apple blossoms. Dad talked to him man to man.

Lexie felt terrible, but she looked forward to being with her boy without feeling so guilty.

“Okay, Grampy. We have to go.”

Dad came back with his grandson and handed him to Mom so she could put him in his car seat.

“You drive carefully Princess. You have precious cargo.”

As she hugged him, he shoved something in her pocket. “Don't say anything. It's a little pin money. Buy our big fella a Montreal Canadiens hockey jersey.”

Joshua waved like mad as they drove down the driveway. She saw her parents in the rear view mirror. Dad held Mom as she cried.