Reservation (Preservation Series) (30 page)

“If you bail out now, there is a chance you could still manage the film deal directly, that is, if you regain control of your rights for the work. You’d have to meet with your lawyer, of course. It would be a long, tricky road to navigate, but there is still a chance you could salvage something.”

“Is that what you think I should do? Bail out?”

Neda licked her lips and tilted her head. “I think it’s what you want. I think you’ve already bailed out. Your body just hasn’t caught up with your mind yet. You’re on autopilot, but it’s doing you no good. You are a walking zombie, Ryan.”

“I’m lost without her.”

“I know.”

“Would you ever take Danny back?”

“No,” she answered without a beat. “But that decision would be based on years of deception, intense incompatibility, and a multitude of other things. From what I’ve learned of you and Kate, those things do not apply to you two.”

“But I kissed another woman. I almost slept with her.”

“You did. And you were dead wrong. But you made the right decision to put a stop to it, and based on what you told me, you certainly weren’t in your right frame of mind the night you chose to touch this woman. There is a chance Kate might see that someday, but whether she does or not, you need to get up and get back on the horse. Whether you pull out on this deal or stay the course, you must do something right this second, or you will wilt away until your light fades out completely, and you’ll regret it for the rest of your life.”

“Give me a few days.”

“You don’t have a few days.”

“The tour begins in one week,” I said, standing to my feet. “I’ll think about it, okay?”

“I want your decision by Monday. We’ll need to break the news to Bob Hall. Look, I feel for you here, Ryan. I truly, truly do. But my ass is on the line. I have a business to run.”

“I understand.”

“Monday,” she repeated, returning to her desk.

“Monday,” I agreed, stepping out of her office.

The next day, I woke with a jolt, looking for her. My weary eyes took in my surroundings, reminding me I was alone. I was still adjusting to Kate’s things being gone. Even the lack of communication with Carter and Dean felt strange. They’d ceased all contact with me since the day they’d found me with Kate in the hall.

Not that I expected anything different.

What required even more of an adjustment was the fact that Sam and Jess still spoke to Kate regularly. I’d been shocked to find that Kate kept in touch with them, thinking she’d want nothing to do with anything or anyone that might remind her of me, but I was wrong. Now whenever Sam stopped by my place—which lately, was often—things were awkward. It was like the K-Word was a grenade, and if either one of us touched it, we’d be blown to bits.

“You ready?” Sam asked when I answered her knock at the door. “Oh, shit.” She sized me up from head to toe. “Okay, not ready. Come on, let’s see what we can do about that.”

I let her in and dragged my feet to the bedroom, pulling off my quesadilla-stained shirt and wrinkled lounge pants. I strutted around the room naked, rifling through my closet for something decent. I snatched up my beanie hat and trusty sunglasses, thankful my goatee was fully grown. “Where are we going again?”

“To get breakfast at the market. Uh, Ry, baby?”

“Yeah?” I turned to her and found an incredibly amused expression on her face.“What? You find me funny nude, do you?”

“You’re forgetting something,” she smiled, pointing to my feet.

“What, my socks?”

“You better change those, too. I can smell them from here.”

I glanced down. “Oh, right.”

Once I was finally decent and Sam forced me to brush my teeth, we made our way down to the market. We strolled along, unable to decide what we wanted to eat. Occasionally, a photographer would snap a shot of me, or a passerby would ask for an autograph, and I complied, tuning them out as I’d learned to in recent weeks.

“I’m not really hungry,” I mumbled. The scents wafting through the marketplace were enticing, but my taste buds weren’t biting.

“I’m going to look at that place’s menu over there,” she pointed to a French bakery. “Keep looking and see if you find something you want.” She sighed and left me to it, and I continued to drag on, nothing holding my interest long enough to keep me rooted to one spot. The one thing I did pay careful attention to as I moved was the location of Carter’s fruit stand, making a point to choose something to eat soon, so we could hurry up and get out of there.

A steady flow of traffic swirled all around me as I stuck tight to the edges of the tables and stands, bumping into someone at my favorite crepe spot. “Sorry,” I mumbled, as I studied the menu, wondering if I could stomach my favorite dish.

“It’s okay,” the woman mumbled back. I turned to glance at her, and instantly recognized that luscious skin and elegant profile. Kate did a double take and went still, her arm clamped tightly around a shopping bag.

I flipped my sunglasses up to look at her, watching her gaze drop to my goatee. “Holy shit. Hi.”

“Hi,” she said, quickly returning her gaze to the menu.

One look at her, and all the dead weight I’d been carrying around dropped to my feet. Publishing contracts, paparazzi, my career, all of it ceased to matter when my eyes locked onto her. I didn’t care about any of that going to hell on the express train, because what I was staring at reminded me what I’d really been living for all along. I bristled nervously next to her, too scared to move, to breathe, to blink, to say the wrong thing. She might vanish if I did any of those things.

“Crepes for breakfast?” I managed.

She reached to the man at the counter to pay him for her order. “Yes. Still my favorite.”

Damn it, Kate, look at me!
“Mine too, but I haven’t had much of an appetite lately.”

“That’s a shame. Well, I have to get going…” She grabbed a paper bag from the man and moved to scurry off, but I gently caught her elbow.

“Wait, please. I need to talk to you.”

“Don’t touch me.”

“If I let go, will you speak to me?”

She glanced from left to right before giving a reluctant nod. “Fine. What is it?”

I let go of her elbow, missing the contact instantly. “Can we?” I pointed behind her to the exit that led to the sidewalk, and she turned for it, moving to sit on an empty bench. “You can eat your breakfast if you want,” I said when she was settled, gesturing towards the paper bag. I knew exactly what was inside: A crepe filled with strawberries, bananas, and chocolate, topped with whipped cream. We always used to order the same thing when we came to this spot.

“I’m not here to eat breakfast with you. Now, what do you want to say to me?”

The misty rain dotted her long raven hair, the tiny beads forming on her nose and cheeks. I wanted to reach over and kiss her so fucking badly, wanted to destroy that forlorn expression of hers, but I held still, working to infuse my words with as much intensity as I could manage. “I can’t breathe. I can’t eat…Kate, Sam has to remind me to fucking shower because if I don’t, I’ll rot away in that apartment. I’m half of a person without you. I’ll do anything to get you back. Nothing is off limits.”

“Please don’t do this.”

“Are you seeing anyone?”

“What?” Her eyes snapped to mine in utter disbelief.

“Are you still in love with me?”

“What kind of question is that? Do you think I can just turn it off, like a switch?”

“If you still love me, I’m begging you, give me another chance.”

“I loved you all along, Ryan. I loved you through all the bullshit, right up to the night you touched her.” She winced, her fingers pressing into the paper bag on her lap. “And after that,” she added in a whisper.

“And now?”

She stayed silent.

“Kate? And now?”

“Yes, okay? Are you happy?”

I slid off the bench and down onto my knees, wrapping my arms around her legs in an unashamed, desperate display. “Then take me back. Give me another sunrise. I figured it out. I figured out where I went wrong—where we went wrong, from the minute I left you there in Saint Lucia.”

She stiffened, the paper bag crinkling again. “Get up. I can’t do this.” Her eyes lowered to mine and then softened, the pain in them palpable.

“You know where we went wrong?” My fingers rose to her throat and she flinched. I took her globe pendant between my fingers, holding it up for her to see. She was still wearing it on her necklace chain.

That had to mean something. Damn it, it
had
to.

“We let the world in. We talked and talked about how we would brave the storm together, but we couldn’t really prepare for it, no matter how strong we thought we were. It’s just like you said to me that day…you don’t know how difficult a path is until you walk it yourself. We lost sight of who we were, what we knew about each other, and instead…we let the world and all its bullshit get in the way. We gave our circumstances control over our trust, emotions, our belief in ourselves and in each other. And we lost. We lost…everything.”

To my complete surprise and sheer fucking amazement, I found her looking down at me intently, listening to every word. She was still as stone, letting me hold her necklace. She sucked in a breath and her voice was stronger this time. “You can’t ask me to come back to you. It isn’t fair.”

“You’re right. It isn’t fair. None of it is. None of what I’ve put you through is fair. All of this, right here?” I turned slightly to give her a better view of the photographers and fans who had gathered on the corner to catch a glimpse of our display. “I’ll give it all up. I don’t give a shit about any of it, do you understand? The publishing deal, the money, the success, all of it…I’ll walk away from it in a heartbeat if I can just have you back in my arms, in my bed, and in my life. I’ll spend the rest of my days devoting every fucking thing I have to you and you alone. Nothing is worth what I have with you. Will you please give me a chance to prove that to you?”

“I don’t want you to give up your career, that’s insane.” She was sobbing now, her tears running down her cheeks and onto the tips of my fingers at her throat. “I don’t know if I’ll ever trust you again. I can’t marry you.”

“But I want to give it up. I don’t want to put myself around anything that will shake your trust in me ever again. I don’t want any miles between us, no other women, no nothing. I’m completely committed to making you comfortable again, to giving you reason to trust me again. I’ll work at it for as long as it takes, and I fucking mean that, Kate. I mean it. You don’t have to marry me. Ever, if you don’t want. This is all on your terms.”

“What will you do for money? What about your writing? You have to write.”

“Fuck the money. I’ll have enough to take care of us, and that’s all that will matter. I’m pulling out on the book deal. Neda spoke to me about it yesterday. I told her I’d give her an answer on Monday. I need to hammer out some details, but I’m done. I’m going to self-publish and pave my own way.”

“But the movie and the advance—”

“I’m going to pay it all back. My parents will help if that’s what it comes to. Neda said there’s a chance the movie rights might still work out. Either way, I couldn’t care less. Let them take it, let them have it all. If I never see a dime from any of it, I’ll die a happy man, I swear it.” I pulled off my hat and gestured to my tired, unshaven face. “Will you fucking look at me? I’m a mess, Kate. I’m not happy, and I won’t be unless I have you. Even a small part of you. I’ll take whatever I can get. Please.”

She reached into her bag for a tissue, bringing one to her runny nose. “Every time I look at you, I see her face. Don’t you understand what that’s done to me?”

I slowly hung my head, the shame tearing at my insides. It would always come back to this. How would I ever heal this for her? Raising my head again, I brought my hands to her knees and braced them tightly. “She’s poison. She’s nothing to me, never was. I wasn’t in my right mind when I touched her, and if I could go back and do it all over again, I never would have stepped foot in that club. But I did and I can’t go back. You just have to know that I thought you were leaving me. You have to know that I had to drink before I touched her, because I couldn’t stand to do it sober, and that I swear on my life I stopped it.
I stopped it.
And you have to know that I’ll be here, waiting, until you can even think about kissing me again. We can date, start from scratch…whatever you want, Kate. I’m a broken man without you.” I was a broken man before her, but living with her love and then losing it had smashed me into a million pieces, leaving me more shattered than ever before.

She was about to respond, but stalled and lifted her chin to stare over my shoulder.

I could feel his presence before he spoke.

“Everything okay, Kate?” Carter asked. I let go of Kate and rose to my feet, turning to face him. Just as I’d suspected, his greeting was cold as death. “Ryan.”

“Hi, Carter.”

Kate stood and handed him the paper bag. “Got our crepes. Everything’s okay, can we have a second?”

“Sure,” he eyed me bitterly, “I’ll wait for you at the station.”