R.I.L.Y Forever (17 page)

At 7 p.m., Ethan called sounding exhausted and stressed. He said his father was in much worse shape than he thought and the next forty-eight hours would be critical. The heart attack damaged the heart muscles and it would be a miracle if he pulled through. Ethan’s mother was beside herself and was sedated. Finally, the media was having a field day in front of the hospital as the elder Sullivan had been making a speech when he collapsed onstage. Although he wasn’t involved in politics any longer, he was a well-known figure.

Julia did her best to sound supportive, but she was sure Ethan heard the distance in her voice. He asked what was wrong several times. She insisted nothing was wrong and distracted him by having Lilly FaceTime with him. Lilly asked for her daddy several times that day and was thrilled she got to talk to him. Lilly told Ethan she was sick and that only made him worry more. Julia reassured him it was nothing more than a cold, but she would take Lilly to her pediatrician tomorrow if she still had a fever.

This pattern repeated over the next three days. Ethan called at the end of every day and they exchanged information about their day. Daily, he sounded more exhausted and despondent. He told her his father was not improving and his mother was unable to cope with the reality her husband would most likely pass away. Ethan split his time between the hospital and the house, taking care of both parents.

Lilly developed a raging ear infection that kept them home for a few days. Each day Ethan spoke to Lilly and even though she was sick and in pain, Lilly always smiled for her daddy. She babbled and sang him songs that made him smile. Each night he ended the call by playing the how-much-do-I-love-my-angel game.

“How much do I love my angel baby? As deep as the…?” Ethan asked.

“The shee,” Lilly said, the sea.

“As high as the…?”

“Sky.”

On Saturday morning, as Julia prepared Lilly’s breakfast, Ethan called. He never called in the morning and she knew his father must have died. Yesterday, Mr. Sullivan woke up briefly and told his son how much he loved him. Shortly after, he slipped into a coma and was placed on life support. Ethan said he wasn’t expected to make it past a few hours. He was sad, but accepting of the situation.

Julia placed Lilly’s breakfast in front of her and answered the call. “Hi, Ethan.”

“Hi. Dad, he’s … he’s gone,” he said, his voice breaking with emotion.

Julia sat at the kitchen table and closed her eyes as an overwhelming feeling of relief flowed through her. He was dead! She was free! She knew the call was coming and thought she was prepared to handle this conversation. She even practiced the words, so that she’d sound genuine. But now the words were lodged in her throat refusing to budge and she couldn’t find her voice.

He was gone. It was done! The man that had Ella beaten half to death was gone. The man who threatened to continue to hurt them if she didn’t break up with Ethan was gone. The man who separated her from the love of her life causing them both years of immense pain was gone, dead. It was over. Other than relief, she didn’t feel anything, nothing at all. She was numb.

“Julia? Are you there? Did you hear me?”

“Ethan. Yes, I heard you.”

She couldn’t say the words, “I’m sorry.” That would imply she was sorry the son of a bitch was dead. She wasn’t sorry and she couldn’t lie. She was sorry for Ethan, however. She was sorry he lost a parent, even if the parent was a miserable excuse for a human being. That was the best she could produce, God help her.

In a flat, emotionless voice, Julia said, “I’m sorry for you, Ethan. I’m sorry for your pain. Is there anything I can do?”

Ethan was quiet for a long time and then he sighed. Even in his grief, it was evident he understood what she was and wasn’t saying. She was sure he understood she wasn’t sorry his father was dead. Julia understood she just added to Ethan’s pain. She never wanted to hurt him. If she could, she would do anything to spare him a second more of additional pain. The problem was she didn’t have it in her to rise above and if Ethan knew the truth, he wouldn’t ask her to.

Chapter Sixteen

The next two weeks passed in a blur for Ethan. He arranged for and attended his father’s funeral and wake and dealt with his mother’s physical and emotional state. He tried to convince his mother to stay with him in New Jersey for a while, but when she heard the state of his house, she refused. Instead she agreed to stay with a favorite cousin in New Orleans for a few weeks so she wouldn’t be by herself. After Ethan put his mother on a plane, he dealt with his father’s affairs. That alone took a full week.

Being the only child meant he was the executor of his father’s will and, thus, the entire burden fell on him. His mother knew nothing about the family’s finances, the property they owned or even what bills needed to be paid. His father took care of every detail of their lives and his mother relied on him for everything. She enjoyed being taken care of and now it was up to Ethan to do that. He doubted she would ever live on her own. His gut told him her stay with her widowed cousin would most likely be permanent.

Although Ethan’s relationship with Julia continued to deteriorate since the day he called to tell her his father died, he called daily if only to speak to Lilly. Each time he called, he and Julia said less and less to each other and he spent most of the time chatting with Lilly. He had no idea what to make of Julia’s odd behavior and each day that passed he got angrier.

When she said, “I’m sorry for you, Ethan,” he thought he might have misunderstood her meaning. But when she repeated it in that hollow, distant voice, he got the message. He couldn’t believe his ears. This wasn’t the loving, caring woman he knew. He deduced she still harbored some bad feelings about his parents and he even tried to understand, but this was too much. His father was dead and although there was no love lost between them, a decent person who understood the value of a human life would be sorry the man died. A person who loved him would understand this was his father, not a random stranger.

Ethan and his father had their differences. That was no secret. But no matter what those differences were, he still loved him. Ethan made the decision many years ago to accept his parents for who they were and to love them. He rarely fought with them about anything over the last decade. He knew they weren’t going to be in his life forever and he decided the best course of action was to love them unconditionally.

Julia had a big heart. She wasn’t a cold, unforgiving person and that’s why her behavior puzzled and hurt him so much. If it were anyone else who treated him with such disregard, he would have cut them right out of his life. But he loved her and he chose to believe she had good reasons for behaving in this manner. Last night, however, when he called to tell her he would be home the next day and she replied, “Fine, Ethan,” in a voice devoid of emotion, he lost his temper.

“Julia, for God’s sake. Is that all you’re going to say? We haven’t seen each other in almost three weeks and have hardly said two words of any substance to each other in that time and that’s all you can say?”

“I’m sorry. I don’t know what you want me to say.”

“Look, I know you didn’t like my father and he was a bit tough on you when we were young, but don’t you think you’re taking it too far? The man is dead. Dead! If you can’t put the past behind you now, when will you be able to? You disappoint me. You’re not behaving in a rational manner. I’m asking you for the last time to tell me what the hell is going on.”

When he finished yelling, there was only silence. She said nothing in explanation and nothing in her own defense. After a few minutes of exasperating silence, he was done. He reached his limit.

“Julia, you’re not making this any easier. I think I deserve some kind of explanation, don’t you? It’s my father who died. If anyone should be acting out, it should be me, not you. Talk to me.”

“I’m sorry, Ethan. I can’t. Not now.”

“Well, then when, damn it? When is a good time to behave like an adult and deal with whatever it is that is making you act like this?”

Silence.

“Fine, if silence is what you want. That’s what you’ll get. We obviously need some time apart to think things through. I’m not sure I know you at all anymore. I’m done. I can’t fight for us by myself anymore. You’ve got to want us. You’ve got to be a willing participant in this relationship. A warrior willing to join me to save our relationship and you’re not. You simply won’t do the work. You won’t fight and I’m tired of doing it all on my own. Do you understand what you’re doing? What you’re throwing away?”

This time he didn’t need to strain to hear anything. He heard her crying and although he was mad as hell at her, the sound of her tears pulled at his heart.

With a trembling voice, she said, “Okay, Ethan. Goodbye. I’m sorry.”

“What? Julia?”

But Julia was gone and all Ethan heard was dead air. She’d hung up.

Ethan didn’t close his eyes that night. There was no point. His brain wouldn’t shut off. He went for a run to clear his head, but nothing seemed clearer. After torturing himself for five miles, he gave up. He spent the rest of the night pacing and packing. After his temper fizzled out, he was left with the startling realization that in a span of a few weeks, he lost three people he loved.

His father was gone. He would never hear his voice again, never receive unwanted advice, and never have a chance to tell him about Julia. Then there were his girls. Julia and Lilly. How in the world had he allowed them to walk out of his life or, in truth, how could he have walked out of theirs? He was the one that opened the door and before he could walk out, Julia had, taking his baby girl with her. He’d made it easy. He’d all but pushed her. He felt lost and incredibly alone.

The next day on the flight home, Ethan replayed and dissected each conversation he and Julia had over the last few weeks trying to understand how everything had gone to shit. He couldn’t believe he lost his temper and yelled at her. Yelling at Julia was never a good idea. She couldn’t tolerate it and would shut down. She did fine with confrontation, but not raised voices and he yelled, actually yelled at her. He berated himself for losing his temper and doing what he swore he would never do.

Although Julia probably deserved to be yelled at and even shaken a bit, Ethan knew better. At this point though, he didn’t know what to do. He thought of calling her before he left Indiana, but he figured they had enough of crazy telephone conversations. Their next conversation, and there sure as hell was going to be a next conversation, was going to be face-to-face. He needed to see her, plain and simple. Clarity would surely come once they talked things out and they were back to their normal routines.

Six hours later, he was home. He paid a small fortune for parking and drove home in the rush-hour traffic nightmare that could only be found in Newark, New Jersey at 5:30 p.m. Thank God for the handless telephone system in the truck. He checked in to work and let them know he would be in the next day. He also checked in on his mother. Like he predicted, she was already talking about extending her stay in New Orleans. He assured her he closed up the house, emptied the refrigerator, and forwarded all the bills to New Jersey so she didn’t have to worry about anything.

By 9 p.m. he was wasted. He unpacked and went through the mail. Then he paid bills, returned calls from friends, and made an omelet for dinner. Finally, he sat drinking a beer, the only thing in the refrigerator, other than the eggs, that had survived the three weeks he spent away from the house. He thought about calling Julia, but considering the time and his exhaustion, he figured he better wait until the next day. He made his way to his room and crashed for the night, falling into a fitful sleep filled with the sound of Julia’s sobs.

Over the next few days, Ethan worked like a dog trying to catch up on the backlog of paperwork piled on his desk in between seeing dozens of patients. Daily, he called Julia, but all his calls went to voicemail. Although he left message after message asking her to call him, he received no return calls. He tried texting, but didn’t get any better results.

By the end of the week Ethan missed Julia and Lilly badly. He felt like a complete ass for losing his temper. He was worried about her and decided to go by her house after work just to see if she and Lilly were okay. He didn’t want to walk in on her without notice, but she left him no choice. He managed to finish work at a decent hour for the first time since returning and by 7 p.m. he was in front of Julia’s house. The problem was, it didn’t look like anyone was home. His suspicions were confirmed a few minutes later when he looked through the front window and saw the house was dark.

Frustrated and concerned, he drove back home and decided enough was enough. He called Lexi. He hadn’t done so earlier because he didn’t want to get his friends caught in the middle, but now he was desperate. Lexi, under great duress, told him Julia took a week off work and left earlier in the week for a brief vacation. That was where her kindness and generosity ended, however, because she refused to tell him where exactly Julia was. Then she called him a bastard for making Julia cry and hung up.

Next, he tried Aimee, Christine, and Adam. He got nowhere with the women although Aimee assured him Julia was okay and agreed to tell Julia he was worried about her and Lilly and missed them both. Adam told him, although he knew where Julia was, Christine and the other women would make his balls into shishka-balls if he opened his mouth and gave him a hint. He did however confirm she would be back on Tuesday. That meant Ethan had to endure four more days of silence.

Ethan spent the next four days working, pacing, not eating, and rarely sleeping. He left Julia one final voice message telling her he was sorry things ended badly between them and he wanted to see her and Lilly when they returned. He said he wanted her to remember all couples fight and he loved her. Then he stopped calling and stopped texting, deciding to give her some peace.

Tuesday, Ethan left work a few hours early and went home. He showered and changed and then went to Julia’s feeling unsure of himself. He wasn’t sure what to expect, but he wasn’t leaving without getting her to agree to at least speak with him again. They couldn’t be over. They’d been through too much and survived too much to be over. Whatever this was, they’d work through it.

Ethan stood in front of Julia’s door going through the speech he prepared in his head. He rang the doorbell and waited for her to answer. The muted sound of the television playing some children’s show came through the door. This meant Lilly was still awake. He missed his baby girl and felt he let her down just as her jerk of a father had by disappearing out of her life. Hearing the lock being disengaged, he looked up as Julia opened the door.

The sight that greeted Ethan’s eyes was both beautiful and concerning. As always, Julia’s long lean frame, thick shiny blonde hair, and heart-shaped face took his breath away, but something was terribly wrong. Her eyes were dull and she had dark circles under her eyes. Her t-shirt and jeans hung loosely on her body, evidence she lost weight, a lot of weight.

“Jules, baby, what in the world…” he said in a shocked voice as he reached for her.

She flinched away before he could touch her and stared at him blankly with confused big green eyes. “Ethan what are you doing here?”

Before he could answer, Lilly’s squeal of delight came from behind Julia. Lilly squeezed her little body between her mother and the door and wrapped herself around his legs.

“E! E! Daddy!”

At the sound of Lilly’s sweet voice, a smile lit his face. He bent down and gathered his girl in his arms giving her a big hug. “Hi, angel baby. God I’ve missed my girl,” he said as he stood carrying her in his arms and buried his face in her hair. Lilly wrapped her chubby arms around his neck and squeezed. The she gave him a loud wet kiss on his cheek.

“Have you been a good girl, sweetness?”

“Yesh!” Lilly answered.

“Well why does your mama look so tired then?” He met Julia’s gaze, which had softened as she watched him and Lilly.

Lilly giggled and shrugged her shoulders. Then she wriggled around in his arms until he put her down. She grabbed one of his large hands with both of her tiny ones and tried to pull him through the front door. When he wouldn’t budge, she said, “Pu-weese Daddy.” That melted his heart and had an effect on Julia too. She stood aside and opened the door fully, gesturing him in.

Ethan spent the next hour playing with Lilly while Julia went down to the basement to do laundry and then upstairs to unpack. Finally, Lilly fell asleep in his arms while he read her a book. When he was sure she would stay asleep he carried her up to her room and tucked her in, like he’d done dozens of times before. He gave her a kiss on the forehead and breathed in her clean baby smell. Then he went downstairs where Julia puttered around in the kitchen.

While he played with Lilly, Julia had avoided any conversation with him. He looked up to see her watching him several times over the last hour with a wistful look on her face and each time she was caught, she looked away quickly. He was glad he had the chance to play with Lilly. It was good reconnecting with her. Children were so forgiving. He only wished adults were as wise.

Julia looked worn out, even ill. It was obvious she hadn’t been eating or sleeping and the guilt he felt for causing her to spiral like this was immeasurable.

“Julia, please come sit and talk to me,” he said to her from the family room.

At first she turned her head and stared at him without moving an inch and he didn’t think she was going to come. But after a few seconds of indecision, she walked to the family room and took the farthest seat from him she could. He waited until she was seated to speak.