R.I.L.Y Forever (19 page)

“This is for Lilly when she is old enough to understand,” he said with a husky voice. “I’ll leave it up to you to decide when and if you want to give it to her. It’s unsealed. Feel free to read it. I tried to explain things as best as I could, but it’s hard to explain something you feel but don’t truly understand yourself. I hope one day she will understand that I loved her, in my own way, and because I loved her, I stepped out of her life.”

Matt stood and threw some bills on the table. Then he handed Julia a business card.

“Goodbye, Julia. Have your attorney contact mine and they can get the paperwork done. You’ll receive a check for all the back child support as well as a monthly check. I’m sorry I haven’t done that earlier.”

Julia stood and swayed slightly. Matt reached for her elbow to steady her.

“Hey, are you all right? You’re pale.”

Julie leaned against the booth. “Yes. I’m fine. I’m just coming down with a cold. Thank you. I don’t know what to say. Take care of yourself, Matt, and if you change your mind or maybe want a picture or an update about Lilly every once in a while, just let me know.”

Matt gave a small smile and shook his head. “Thanks for the offer, but a clean break is best. If you need me for anything, send a message through my attorney. Otherwise, I wish you both well.”

Matt placed a chaste kiss on Julia’s cheek, turned and left the diner.

Julia sat back in the booth. She stared at the envelope in her hand in disbelief. That was it. She was officially a single parent, or she would be in a few months. Although, she always was a single parent given the hands-off approach Matt took from day one, his decision to give up his parental rights and walk away from Lilly’s life made it all too real. Julia never wanted this for Lilly. She wanted her to have more, to have better than she did and in many ways she already did and always would, if Julia had anything to do with it. But she wouldn’t have her dad and one day Julia would have to give her this letter and explain to her why her father let her go.

Julia couldn’t spare her daughter the pain that would come, but she would try to soften the blow by loving Lilly so much, she would never feel, not for a second, she wasn’t wanted or loved. Still, there would be Father’s Days, and father-and-daughter dances, birthdays, graduations and even, one day, a wedding. Lilly wouldn’t have her father and would feel his absence acutely. Tears filled Julia’s eyes and streamed down her face as she remembered missing her own father on such occasions. She reached for a napkin, wiped her face and blew her nose. She told herself to pull it together. There was nothing left to be done but to get home and get on with the business of putting her life back together. Lilly was counting on her.

The next day and a half passed in a blur. Julia went home from the diner, cried on Aimee’s shoulder, and called her attorney. Then she went to bed and had nightmares all night. She woke up the next day feeling even worse than the night before, but dragged herself to work anyway. She couldn’t afford to use any more sick days or vacation days.

Barely making it through the day, she went home at the end of her shift and went right to bed refusing to eat. Aimee looked anxiously at her and begged her to eat, but Julia couldn’t stand the sight of food. She was grateful Aimee was there to take care of Lilly because for the first time in Lilly’s life, Julia didn’t have it in her. She could barely take care of herself, let alone a child.

By Friday morning, after taking one look at Julia, Aimee was beside herself with worry. When reasoning didn’t work, she accelerated her campaign to get Julia to take better care of herself by threatening her. Her efforts were wasted on Julia who was operating in survival mode.

“Julia, you’ve got to stay home. You look wiped. You’re running a temperature, you haven’t eaten anything in days, and you look like you haven’t slept in months. Please stay in bed and let me take care of you,” Aimee pleaded.

“I know you’re worried, but please don’t be. I’m just tired. I’ll be fine. This is nothing more than a virus. It’ll pass.”

“This isn’t a little cold and we both know that. In the last few weeks you’ve taken one hit after another. On top of that you haven’t been eating or sleeping. Your body is telling you it’s had enough abuse and wants a rest. Please listen to it and me.”

“Staying home is not going to help me. First, I can’t take any more days off or I won’t have any days to take if Lilly gets sick. Also, if I stay home Lilly will be all over me and will probably get sick. I have no patient care duties today. I’m sitting all day doing paperwork. I’ll get rest at work.”

“Okay, but I’m calling Ethan and telling him what’s going on. I haven’t told you, but he’s called every day worried sick about you. I’ve been lying and telling him you’re fine, but now you’re leaving me no choice.”

“I’m too tired to argue with you and don’t call Ethan. What good would come out of that? Look, I have to get to work. I know you’re only trying to help, but please let me handle this as I see fit. I know myself. This is what I need to do to get through. I’ll see you later.”

Julia barely made it to work on time. She parked and jumped out of her car. Her head spun and she swayed. She grabbed on to the car door for support, closed her eyes, and took in a deep breath. It was early September and although it was still warm, she shivered like it was winter. She was sick and should have stayed home, but she would get through the day and then she would rest over the weekend. Her goal was to get herself so tired her brain would shut down and let her get some rest when she finally laid down.

The last couple of days had been difficult. Lexi, Christine, and Aimee had taken turns trying to talk her into changing her mind about Ethan. They saw and heard how miserable she was without him and begged her to give him a chance. Julia listened to her friends’ talk, knowing they only wanted the best for her and hated to see her hurting, but nothing they said penetrated the wall she built around herself. She only wanted the pain to stop. She was tired of feeling, tired of thinking, and tired of crying. All she wanted was to sink into a deep sleep and not wake up until her heart learned its lesson and finally stopped hurting.

Halfway through the day, Julia stopped for lunch. Although she had no appetite she walked to the cafeteria for some hot tea. She took a couple of cold and flu tablets in the morning and they were wearing off. Her fever and body aches returned. Her supervisor took one look at her when she walked in and chastised her for coming in, but Julia smiled and told him she was fine. Now she wasn’t so sure. The dizziness she experienced earlier happened again as she stood from her desk, and this time if a co-worker hadn’t steadied her, she would have fallen. That’s when she decided that perhaps some tea and crackers might help.

The hospital cafeteria was busy, the noise and lights hurt Julia’s head. She purchased the tea and crackers and sat at a small table near the windows. She rested her head against the window and closed her eyes. She didn’t know how long she sat there, but she must have drifted because the next thing she became aware of was someone gently touching her shoulder and calling her name.

“Julia? Come on, baby, wake up.”

Julia opened her eyes, feeling disoriented. She blinked and looked up into Ethan’s concerned face. She tried to sit up and doing so took too much effort. She shivered and her teeth shattered as a wicked cold chill ran through her body. Every single bone ached and every movement was agony. She gathered her last bit of energy and said, “Thanks for waking me. I must have drifted.”

Ethan pulled a chair close to her and reached for her hand, his eyes filled with worry. “Jules, you’re sick. You need to be in bed not at work. What in the world were you thinking coming to work in this shape?”

Julia’s eyes filled with tears for no good reason. She was exhausted and felt too weak argue. She wasn’t sure she could stand up without falling over. He was right, she had to get home and in bed, but she wasn’t sure she could drive. She felt vulnerable and helpless. She looked at him as a single tear fell down her cheek.

“Damn it, Jules. Baby, don’t cry. I’m sorry. Look, it’s going to be okay. Everything is going to be fine. I promise. Let me help you. Please, just let me help you.”

Julia was tired of fighting and tired of running away from Ethan. She wanted desperately to go home and home for her would always be in his arms. She nodded and whispered, “Okay, E. Take me home, please.”

Chapter Eighteen

Ethan sat by Julia’s bed, actually his bed, watching her sleep. Yesterday, when he saw the state his girl was in, sitting slumped in the cafeteria, his heart almost stopped. She was pale and fragile looking as she sat leaning against the window. She’d lost a ridiculous amount of weight. Her face was thin. The dark circles under her eyes were the only things that gave color to her features. For a few seconds he stood rooted to his spot. Then he acted. Enough was enough. He’d given her space and time, but no more. He couldn’t let her just wither away to nothing.

About twenty minutes before he located Julia, Aimee called him and told him she was worried about her. Julia was supposed to call Aimee at noon and when she didn’t, Aimee knew something was wrong. He was glad Julia gave in and allowed him to help her.

In truth, Julia was too damn sick to protest. He helped her up and supported her out of the cafeteria. He wanted to carry her, but she hated being the subject of gossip. So he did his best to get her out of the hospital and into his truck without raising too many eyebrows. At the truck, he seat-belted her and put the chair back so she could rest. She closed her eyes and fell asleep at once, without saying a single word.

As Ethan drove toward Julia’s house, he thought better and headed toward his. He called the hospital first and informed her supervisor of the situation and then cancelled the rest of his patients for the day. Then he called Aimee and told her how sick Julia was and he was taking her to his house where he would take care of her. He didn’t want to expose Aimee or Lilly any further to whatever virus she had. Aimee agreed with him and told him not to worry about Lilly.

By the time they arrived at the farmhouse, Julia was in a deep, fever-induced sleep. She was burning up. He parked, opened the door to the house, then went back to the truck and unbuckled her seatbelt. She never stirred. When he picked her up and carried her to the house she shivered and moaned in her sleep. As he walked to his room, she burrowed close to him and buried her face in the side of his neck while fisting his shirt in her hand. Taking a deep breath, she relaxed against him and whispered his name.

“Shh baby, I’m here. You’re going to be okay. Hang on.” He laid her in his bed, but as he came to straighten, she protested and held tighter to his shirt. “I’m not leaving. I just need to get some medicine in you. I promise I’m coming right back.”

Julia opened her eyes and stared at him. Her gaze was glassy and unfocused and her eyes filled with tears again. “Don’t leave, Eth. I’m sorry.”

God, those eyes were going to kill him. The pain, confusion, and fear he saw there cut him. He sat on the side of the bed and took her in his arms as he smoothed back her hair.

“Jules, baby, I promise I’m not leaving. Not now, not ever again. Please baby, believe me. I’m going to take care of you. Just close your eyes and let me help you. I’m going to undress you, get some medicine in you, and then I promise to hold you for as long as you want.”

After a few minutes, she relaxed against him. When Ethan was certain she drifted off, he laid her feverish body back against the pillow and got up. He undressed and covered her. Then he got some juice and medication to bring down her fever. He forced her to wake up long enough to swallow the medicine. Finally, he changed into sweatpants and a t-shirt and climbed in next to her. He gathered her small fevered body in his arms and held her as she trembled and moaned.

As she slept Julia mumbled and although he didn’t understand much of what she was saying, it was obvious she was fighting her own personal demons. He continued his vigilance throughout the day and the night, waking her every four hours for juice and more medication. She never fully awakened that night and it wasn’t until Saturday afternoon her fever broke and she became fully conscious. It was apparent she’d run herself into the ground until her body revolted. Now she had no choice but to rest and take better care of herself because if she didn’t, her body would force her to.

Julia shifted and moaned. She opened her eyes and looked around the room until her gaze found Ethan’s.

“Hi, beautiful. How do you feel?”

“Like I’ve been run over by a dump truck,” she croaked. “Where am I? Where’s Lilly?”

“You’re at my place. Lilly’s fine. I spoke to Aimee and they’re having a picnic in the park and then meeting up with Lexi to go shopping. Today’s Saturday around 1:30.”

Julia was confused and frowned at him. “Saturday? How did I get here? The last thing I remember was talking to you in the cafeteria.”

“You were pretty out of it. You had a high fever. I brought you here and force-fed you juice and Tylenol. I think you’ll be fine. Your fever broke a few hours ago. Feel like a little soup?”

“Soup would be good. Thanks for taking care of me. I’m sorry to be so much trouble.”

“You were no trouble at all, but you’re in big trouble. I’m not happy you’ve not been taking care of yourself. Baby, you look like you’ve lost ten pounds and you haven’t been sleeping either, have you? This madness has got to stop. We’ve got to stop torturing each other. We love each other too much for this.”

Looking down, Julia mumbled, “I know. I’m sorry.”

“Jules, no more apologies and no more running away. We’ve got to talk about things. Let’s get you showered and fed and then we’ll talk if you feel up to it. We’ve got all the time in the world.”

Julia met his gaze and nodded. It was time.

While Ethan warmed some soup and changed the sheets on the bed, Julia showered and dressed in a one of his t-shirts and boxers. They were massive on her, but they were clean. By the time she was done, she was exhausted. He propped her up in bed with pillows and insisted on feeding her soup. After more juice and medication, she couldn’t keep her eyes open. He tucked her into bed, kissed her on her forehead and instructed her to close her eyes and sleep. Without a fight, she did as she was told and drifted off.

As she slept, Ethan went out and bought a few groceries so he could cook them a light dinner. Then he stopped by her house and let himself in using the key she gave him months earlier. In her closet, he found a small overnight bag and packed some clothes and toiletries he thought she would need. He decided to search her dresser for underwear and the yoga pants she always wore when she was home. In the top dresser drawer, he stopped and stared down at the blue velvet jewelry box that contained the locket. Without even giving it a second thought, he reached for the box and placed it in the bag with all the other necessities he packed.

Ethan made it back to his house in plenty of time to cook a light pasta dish. He checked on Julia before he started cooking and found she was still sleeping. Leaving her overnight bag at the foot of the bed, he tiptoed out of the room and to the kitchen. As he finished making the salad, he tried to think of a way to broach the elephant in the room so Julia wouldn’t close back up. They had to talk things out. He didn’t want to lose her and he wouldn’t let her decide the future for both of them without him having a say in things, not again.

“Hi.”

Ethan hadn’t heard Julia walk into the room. She’d changed into clean clothes and looked much better. She was still way too thin and the dark circles were still there, but she was regaining some of her energy.

“Hi yourself. How are you feeling?”

“Much better, thanks. What smells so good?”

“It’s just some pasta with chicken. Hungry?”

“Surprisingly yes. I haven’t had much of an appetite lately, but I’m starving now. What can I do to help?”

“Nothing. Just sit. Everything’s ready.”

He served them both and brought their plates to the table along with the salad and some lemonade. He ate and was pleased to see her appetite reappeared. She avoided his eyes and he ate in silence and waited her out. When she said she had enough, although she hardly made a dent in the small portion he gave her, he stood and started to clear the table.

“That was wonderful, thank you. Thanks for also getting my clothes. I’m sorry to have been such trouble. I feel much better though. You can take me home whenever you’re ready.”

So that was the way she was going to play this. Ignore the waltzing pink elephant and act as if they were nothing more than friends. Well, he wasn’t falling for it. He knew without a doubt she loved him and the more he thought about her odd behavior, the more he concluded his girl was trying to protect him. The thing was, he could survive anything but losing her again, and she needed to know that.

“I’m glad you liked it and I’m glad you’re feeling better, but you’re kind of stuck here. Your car is still at the hospital and I’m not driving you back until we’ve talked things out. I’m not in a hurry and we can do this at your pace. I don’t want to exhaust you, but we both can’t go on like this. Look at me, Julia.”

He waited until she raised her head and he was able to capture her eyes. He wanted to make sure he had her full attention for this next part.

“Julia, I love you. I know I was an ass when I was dealing with my father’s death and I’m sorry. I think I know what you’ve been doing. I’m sorry I didn’t see it earlier and I’m sorry I didn’t push earlier, but it’s clear to me now. You’ve been protecting me from something, something in the past. Baby, I love you for loving me enough to try to do that, but no more. I won’t let you keep doing that if it means losing you.”

Ethan stopped talking when she didn’t say anything. Julia’s eyes were big and filled with apprehension. He stood, went around the table and pulled her up. Before she could protest, he kissed and walked them both to the new overstuffed loveseat she’d helped him pick out a month ago. Sitting down, he pulled her into his lap and held her against him. Not only did this guarantee she couldn’t get away, it also fed his need to feel her body against his. God, he missed her!

“Do you trust me, Jules?”

Without a second’s hesitation, she answered, “Yes, of course I do.”

He hugged her to him and smiled. “Good, baby. Here’s what we’re going to do. I’m going to sit here and hold you and when you’re ready, you’re going to tell me a story, one that you should’ve told me a long time ago. Okay?”

Julia stiffened in his arms and the pulse in her neck hammered a mile a minute. He waited her out. He sat and stroked her hair and rubbed her back and every once in a while he gave her a kiss on her forehead, or cheek, or nose. After what seemed like an eternity, she began to speak in a small, sad voice.

Julia told him of some of the encounters she had with his mother when they were dating and how those cutting comments left her feeling cheap and never quite good enough for him. She never told him about some of the more vicious comments because she didn’t want to be the cause of even more division between him and his family. She’d wanted his family to love her, to embrace her as Ella had him and when the opposite happened, she came close to breaking up with him for his own good several times. The problem was, she wasn’t strong enough to do so—not until she was given no other choice.

No other choice. Those words and the terror he heard in her voice had his pulse racing. Why hadn’t he done this earlier? Why hadn’t he forced the issue earlier so he could help her carry the burden, so she didn’t live with the fear he saw in her eyes from the second their eyes connected at Lexi’s? Why did he walk away from her, from them, so many years ago? He’d blamed her for tearing them apart, but wasn’t he equally to blame for not fighting for them harder? They had both been young, not children, but certainly not adults, but he was the man. He should have fought harder.

When Julia stopped talking and looked at him questioningly, Ethan gave her a soft kiss on the forehead and continued stroking her back.

“I’m with you, baby. I’m here and this time, I’m not going anywhere. No need to fear. I’ll catch you.”

Julia turned in his arms and searched his face, for what, he didn’t know. She laid her hand against his cheek and he leaned into it.

“Ethan, twenty-years ago, I learned the definition of love and sacrifice the hard way. I walked away from you and everything we meant to each other, not because I didn’t love you and suddenly wanted my freedom, but because I had no choice. I had to protect Ella and I had to protect you. My world narrowed and everyone and everything I held dear was threatened. You are the love of my life. I would give anything to shield you from the pain the truth will bring, but I see I can’t shield you, not if we’re going to be together. And Ethan—you’re my whole life. I can’t risk losing you again.”

Ethan took Julia’s face in his hands and kissed her tenderly, tasting the saltiness of her tears. He laid his forehead against hers and whispered, “That’s never going to happen again. You’re not going to lose me because I’m never letting you go, not again.”

Julia’s eyes locked with his for a few minutes and she must have found what she needed because she turned and settled against him with a heavy sigh. She picked up her story a few weeks before their high school graduation. She told him of his father’s visits to the ice-cream parlor and his offer to fund her future. On some level Ethan was shocked, but on another level he could see his father pulling out all the stops to get his way. Still, he was certain there was more to the story.

He was right.

Julia trembled in his arms as she told him about the night of Ella’s attack. She recalled waking up from a deep sleep to the sound of banging on the front door. It sounded like any minute the front door was going to cave in and to this day, this is the sound she startles awake to when she dreams of that horrible night. It’s the sound she associates with her world, as she knew it, collapsing.