Sawyer (Torey Hope: The Later Years #2) (9 page)

“Just an old joke. Not a very funny one.” Sawyer shook his head and tried to move on, but Kendrick wasn’t having it.

“No, let’s ease into this discussion.” He winked at Sawyer and then turned to his dad. “You see, I had been dating a girl who wanted me to do all this BDSM shit. You know, the whips and chains and collars. I wasn’t into it, so we broke up. But one day I was doodling
BDSM
on my notebook waiting for class to start and realized that the initials were perfect for
Brothers Decker & Sawyer Morgan.
There you have it, the birth of a very clever nickname.” Kendrick nodded his head, proud of his creativity.

“Thank God. I know what BDSM is, and I’m not sure I could take it if Sawyer shared he’s gay
and
he and Decker are into BDSM.” Jeremiah shuddered, and Sawyer threw his head back in laughter.

“No worries, Uncle J, no whips and chains for me. Although, I have a funny story about a blind date sometime when you’re up for it.” Taking a long sip of his beer, Sawyer waited while he wondered where this conversation was going to go.

Clearing his throat, Kendrick nodded at his dad in a
go on
gesture. Jeremiah shuffled nervously before downing the rest of his beer.

“So, first I want to say I’m sorry for the way I acted when you told the family you’re gay. That was wrong of me. I’ve had some time to think,” Jeremiah began, but Kendrick interrupted.

“Yeah, and some time for Mom to lay into him.” He smirked as Jeremiah rolled his eyes.

“Yes, there was that too. Anyway, I had some time to think about what you told us. I think the reason I acted the way I did was out of fear for you. I watched a couple guys get treated terribly during my years in the military all because of their sexuality. One of the men got beat up so badly he was no longer able to be a soldier. Thinking of that happening to you scared me.”

Jeremiah stopped for a moment.

“And, while we’re being honest, I think I’m also scared of things I don’t understand. I don’t understand the attraction to men, so I balked at it when one of my favorite nephews told me he likes men. But, I’ve had time to think, and I know that who you like or love doesn’t change the fact that I love you and always will.” Jeremiah walked to Sawyer and pulled him into a strong hug. “I hate that you’ve had to face this alone for so long, and I hate that there will be more rough times, but you’ve got me on your side through it all.”

While all three men fought back tears, Jeremiah headed inside and Sawyer and Kendrick stayed in the garage to finish their beers.

“Well, two of three have come around. That conversation went fairly well, huh?” Sawyer was grateful to Kendrick for being there and standing beside him.

“Yeah, it’s amazing what having your ass handed to you by my mom can do to change your outlook on things.” Kendrick stated matter-of-factly and Sawyer couldn’t help but laugh.

“Well, I guess I’ll have to thank Aunt Audrey for her ass handing skills.” The cousins laughed and headed inside for pizza.

***********

The pizza was delicious as usual, laughter filled the house, and things felt right. Almost. The only thing missing was the captain and Grandma Janie. Their absence hung heavily in the air.

Sawyer’s mom, Libby, stated, “Janie said she’s giving him until the weekend and then she’s going to lay into him. She feels it will be better if he has some time to think about it before she starts in on him.”

Sawyer felt the absence of the captain as painfully as he would have felt the absence of a limb. He hated that his secret had broken the family up, even though he prayed it would only be temporarily. He also hated the thought of never having his grandpa back in his life.

Doing his best to ignore the pain in his heart, he looked around at the family members who
were
there and felt his heart swell with hope. He’d shared his secret, and 99% of his family still loved him and supported him. It didn’t mean that he’d never have problems, but it meant the world to him to have them by his side. He knew he was lucky, very few of his friends had found the same love, acceptance, and support.

“Thank you all. Thanks for being here for me, for loving me, accepting me, supporting me. My biggest fear was losing you, or causing problems for The Center+. I know the captain may be a harder sell, but I really am grateful to have all of you on my side.”

Running his hand through his short brown hair, he continued. “One thing I think we need to agree upon is open communication. If you have a question, ask. If you’re worried about something, talk to me. I’m not openly dating anyone right now, but if and when I do, there will probably be talk around town. And I’m worried what will happen when clients and parents at The Center+ get wind of it. Maybe we should have a meeting at work, include all the employees, and set up a planned response if the time for that comes.”

Everyone nodded their agreement, and Katie accepted the responsibility for adding it to the agenda for the next meeting.

“Um, you said to ask questions if we had them.” Nicky spoke up.

Everyone in the kitchen tensed up. Nicky struggled with a developmental disability from birth. He was smart, but it took him longer to learn things. His speech and gait were affected by the lack of oxygen at birth. He had a beautiful wife who had been through some horrific things when she was younger, she and Nicky had an open, honest, and beautiful love, and they were blessed with gorgeous, perfect children. Nicky was known for speaking his mind; if it came to his head, he said it. He was never purposely rude or hurtful, but he was blunt to say the least. So, if Nicky had a question for Sawyer, there was no telling what he was going to ask.

Nate jumped in. “Nick, why don’t you tell me your question first?” Nate leaned in to let his brother whisper into his ear, and his face took on a pink hue.

“So, how about those of you who want to be a part of this fairly detailed question head to the garage for some beers, and the rest of us will clean up the mess from supper. How’s that? Good? Okay then.” Nate pushed Nicky and Sawyer out the door.

A grinning Kendrick followed. Zach and Zoey, Decker and Katie, and Aly all trouped out the door as well. The kitchen was left with the older generation.

“Trust me, it’s best if the younger ones field Nicky’s questions.” Nate blushed again, and everyone nodded their understanding.

***********

“I don’t want to drink beer. Beer is alcohol and it can impair your judgment. I have to drive Carly home tonight, so I won’t be drinking.” Nicky always had statistics to spout. Alcohol, cigarettes, condoms, he knew stats on all of them.

“No worries, Uncle Nicky, you don’t have to drink beer. In fact, maybe we should all stick with water for now.” Sawyer knew drinking made Nicky uncomfortable so he passed waters around to the group.

“Okay, what’s your question?” Sawyer was mentally trying to prepare himself for anything that could possibly come from his uncle’s mouth.

“I didn’t know what gay means, but I looked it up in the dictionary and it said
happy
. That didn’t make sense because I don’t know why the captain would be angry that Sawyer is happy. So I asked Carly, and she said gay means when a girl likes a girl or a boy likes a boy. At first, I was still confused because I like lots of boys and I know Carly likes lots of girls, but no one gets angry about that. So I kept asking Carly about it, but she just turned red and said I should ask someone else. So, I called Beckett because he’s my friend and he’s very smart, even though he’s much younger than me. Did you know we used to go get ice cream when he was a little boy? Anyway, I called Beckett and I asked him. He said it’s when a boy or girl wants to be with another boy or another girl the way I want to be with Carly.” Nicky stopped to take a breath.

Sawyer relaxed a bit, so far there was nothing awkward, but one could never tell what Nicky might blurt out next.

“When Carly and I wanted to make babies, Nate taught me how to kiss, but he wouldn’t tell me what to do to get a baby. He said we’d just know what to do when the time was right.” Nicky kept on talking as if this was a discussion he had every day.

“Okay, with that, I’m out! Can’t handle the parents having sex discussion. Sorry all, you can give me the summary of this conversation at a later date. Preferably when I’ve had many beers.” Zach hugged a laughing Zoey to his chest and then backed out of the garage, nodding gratefully when his sister, Aly joined him.

Nicky, nonplussed by his children’s exit, continued. “So, after we kissed a lot, we figured out what to do to get a baby. And making babies is a lot of fun. We even make babies now even though we don’t want any more babies. Carly says she’s too old to have babies, but we aren’t too old to have fun making babies. It’s also called
sex
, but that word makes me feel funny when I say it.” Again, Nicky stopped to breathe.

The conversation was starting to feel dangerous, like any second Nicky was going to throw a curve ball. Sawyer remembered the red tint on his dad’s cheeks, and realized Nicky’s question was going to get very personal very quickly. Taking a deep breath, he looked around at the remaining members of his crew. Kendrick was biting his lip to keep from laughing. Decker’s jaw was clenched tightly, but he had a smirk as he realized just where his uncle was headed. Katie was openly smiling and watching Nicky lovingly.

“So, I know where I have to put my penis to make a baby with Carly. But, what I don’t understand is where you put your penis if you want to make a baby with a boy.” Nicky looked at Sawyer expectantly.

Using what he’d learned in a public speaking course he took years ago, Sawyer waited a bit to gather his thoughts before he spoke. Knowing he probably couldn’t get so lucky to get out of this question easily, he decided to attempt it anyway.

“Well, a boy can’t make a baby with another boy. If I want to have kids, I’ll have to adopt them.” Sawyer hoped beyond all hope that this answer would satisfy his uncle.

“That would be nice, there are many children out there just waiting for the love of a family.” Nicky had obviously seen an adoption commercial recently. “But, if you can’t make babies with a boy, what do you like about being with a boy? Can you kiss him?”

“Yes, kissing is nice. I think most people like kissing.”

“Do you like to get naked with a boy?”

Hard swallow, “Yes, that part is nice too.”

“I like when Carly puts her mouth on my penis. Do you like that? Do you put your mouth on a boy’s penis?”

Yep, he went there. Nodding in a way that showed his disbelief at this conversation, Sawyer confirmed, “Yes, I like that and yes, I do that.”

“So you just put your penis in his mouth?”

Knowing he could have left it at that, but feeling like it would be wrong to mislead his uncle when Nicky already struggled grasping so many things in life, Sawyer knew he had to be honest.

“Well, no. There is another place a man can put his penis.”
I seriously can’t believe I’m talking about this with my uncle.
One look at his brother and cousin told him they were having the exact same thought. Katie was just smiling sympathetically.

“Girls have two holes, but Carly said I can’t put my penis in her other hole because it hurts. Boys only have one hole. Is that where you put it? Do you put it in the hole that hurts? Do you let boys put their penis in your butt?” Nicky had just pieced the information together and now spoke to Sawyer incredulously.

“Yes, that’s what most gay men do.” Sawyer thought it was good to keep the answer short and sweet.

Nicky finished his water while he seemed to be thinking about the information he’d just been given. Before heading back to the kitchen to find Carly, he hugged Sawyer to him.

“I hope you can find a boy you like. And when you do, I hope you can put your penis wherever you want to.”

Once he was clearly out of ear shot, the four busted out laughing. They laughed until tears streamed down their cheeks. Leave it to Nicky to lighten the mood.

“Robert Decker, as I live and breathe, I won’t watch you do this to your family any longer. You are entitled to your opinions, but you are not entitled to crush your grandson’s heart with your words and judgments.” Janie, having given her husband some time to come around, had finally reached the end of her rope.

“I married you because you were a kind, fair, loving man. I watched you with your grandkids, especially those four boys, and I knew you had so much love in your heart for them. The basketball, the trips to the park, the fishing…it was so evident that they were your world.” Robert looked at her with fire in his eyes when she paused.

“My family
is
my world, you know that.” The words escaped defensively between gritted teeth.

“Then just be there for him, support him. Apologize for the derogatory words you used against him. He just needs to know he hasn’t lost you.” Janie’s words came out soft and pleading.

“But how can you ask me to support something I think is wrong? Am I supposed to let my morals fly out the window and just cheer on the fact that my grandson is having physical relations with other men?” The stress of the past few days had caught up with him, and Robert lashed out.

A soft hand reached out for his, “No, Captain, you don’t have to like it. You don’t have to agree with it or understand it. But, for the sake of this family, please don’t pass judgment. Don’t withhold your love from Sawyer. Of all times, he needs your love the most right now. Remember that towheaded little boy who used to come to you with a scraped knee? The same kid who used to beg for ‘just one more’ piggyback ride? The child who cried on your shoulder when they were roughhousing and broke my flower vase? He’s the same man who now needs your love and support more than ever. Don’t let him down, Robert.”

Whispered words spilled out through tears, “I just don’t want him hurt. I don’t want others to judge him or make fun of him. I love that kid more than anything; the thought of him hurting kills me.”

“
You
are hurting him. You broke his heart when you spewed those words at him the other night. He’s going to hurt; he’s going to be judged. That’s real life. But, with his family on his side, he will get through it. You survived the death of Lois, alcoholism, and the brutal things those men did to your daughter. There’s no doubt in my mind that you will survive this. Whether Sawyer loves a man or a woman, it’s not our place to pass judgment. In the end, all that matters is that we show love and that our family is strong, healthy, and happy.” Walking into his embrace, Janie tensed waiting for her husband’s response.

“I just don’t know, love. Those other things just about killed me; I’m not sure I’m strong enough to watch Sawyer go through the hurt he’s facing.”

The words he spoke were not the ones she’d been hoping for, but they buoyed her hope that the captain would eventually come around. She sighed, and smiled against his chest.

***********

A week had passed since Sawyer and Luke had gone night fishing. Sawyer felt like he was in high school again. He planned his trips out of his office in hopes they would coincide with Luke’s trips out of the gym. When they would
happen
to run into each other, his heart always found its way into his throat and his palms inexplicably needed wiped on his pants.

He had taken to eating his lunch at the same time as Luke, and only felt slightly embarrassed that his brother and cousins had caught on to that change in habit quickly.

“You okay, bro? You used to eat in your office, but now you’re eating in the break room. I could always set my clock by you eating at 1:00 p.m., but this week you’re eating at 11:45 a.m. on the dot. Anything you want to talk about?” Decker fought against the smile that threatened to break through his attempt at looking serious as he spoke to his brother.

“Yeah, man. We’re all worried. You’ve changed your eating location and schedule; you leave your office more than I’ve ever seen you do before, and your workouts have changed too. You’ve gone from the treadmill and weights five days a week to Pilates, yoga, and tae-kwon-do three days a week. In my experience, all of these changes can only mean one thing.” Zach grinned broadly, not attempting at all to hide his smile as he spoke to his cousin.

When Sawyer rolled his eyes and ignored his brother and cousin’s barbs, Kendrick took the bait to keep the fun rolling.

“What, Zach,
what
do changes like this usually mean? Please, dear cousin, tell me that our Sawyer isn’t in dire straits. Is it something that can be cured?” Kendrick’s overly dramatic play acting brought a smile to Sawyer’s face against his wishes.

“Well, Kendrick, it’s pretty serious, but there
is
a cure for what ails him.” Zach’s tone took on a faux seriousness.

Grabbing Zach’s shirt by the chest, Decker joined in the fun. “Zach, tell me and tell me
now!
What is this ailment Sawyer is suffering from and
how
can we cure him!?”

“Well, it’s a very common ailment and it affects millions around the world. It’s called…” Zach paused for dramatic effect.

“Spit it out, man!”

“It’s called, being in
love
!” Zach’s cheesy grin and the slap he landed on Sawyer’s back reminded him that they were just having fun.

“What?!
Love
? I’ve heard of this before. Hold on, I think the internet has common cures listed.” Kendrick made a show of pulling out his phone and pretending to type in
cures for love
. “Ah, yes, here it is.
To cure a case of love, the patient should grow some balls, ask the martial arts instructor out, and spend a night getting down and dirty in his bed.
”

The four men busted out laughing. When they settled themselves down, Sawyer spoke.

“I wish it was that easy, guys. Luke is great. I like him. Like
really
like him.”

“So, go for it. It’s obvious he’s into you. Anyone with two eyes and a brain can see it every time you two are within 5 feet of each other. He can’t keep his eyes off you, and he gets all squirmy and weird. Plus, he doesn’t even glance at the girls we have working here. No question, he’s got it bad for you.” Kendrick nodded his head sagely as he spoke.

“That’s all fine and dandy, guys, but Luke is dead set against accepting or acting on his feelings towards any man, especially me it seems.” Sawyer shrugged his shoulders as if it was a done deal. “For now, I have to accept that we are friends. I really don’t know if it could ever move past just friends. It’s something about his dad and brothers and a promise he made to his mom before she died.”

“Man, when have you ever backed down from a challenge? The laser tag wars, fishing competitions, grade comparisons throughout school…you never backed down from anything. Growing up it was almost like you had a battle inside to prove yourself to everyone. You gonna let Luke’s initial freak out over his reaction to you keep you down? Nah, man, you need to step up and get your man.” Kendrick clapped him on the back, and Sawyer felt a glimmer of hope.

“You know, you’re right. Luke knows he’s gay. I just need to turn on the charm and wedge my way into his heart the way I used to wedge my way into Abby’s room when she’d put up the
Keep Out
sign. All I’ve got to do is get a foot in the door, then I can muscle my way in. I’d never force him into anything, but I think if he starts thinking with his heart more than his head, I have a better chance.” Sawyer checked the clock and realized he was due in the break room for lunch shortly. “Thanks guys, I better go, I have a challenge to meet.”

***********

Sawyer knew Luke took his lunch at 11:50 because Zoey was teaching a class until 12:30, and Luke could be finished in time for his class at 12:45. They had fallen into a comfortable routine during the week. The break room could hold around twenty people if needed, but 11:50 wasn’t a popular time for the rest of the staff to eat lunch. Sawyer’s immediate family either went home, went out, or ate in their offices.

As they were eating, Sawyer noticed Luke seemed upset. He let him talk for a bit about something funny which had happened in his last class. But then, Sawyer could wait no longer. When Luke got up to throw his trash away, Sawyer followed and cornered the other man between the trashcan and the refrigerator.

“What the fuck, Sawyer. We’re at work, and I’ve told you I can’t do this.” Luke’s words were heated, but more by desire than actual anger.

“Tell me what’s wrong, Luke. I can tell you’re upset; I want to know what’s bothering you.” Sawyer pressed in close until the heat of their bodies met. He felt like he was about to go up in flames.

“Nothing is wrong. I was just thinking about how normal things are between us and how I wish I could do this with you for real, not just as friends. I guess I was just feeling sad that it can’t go past this.” Luke let his gaze meet Sawyer’s as he spoke.

“It
can
go past this, and it
will
if I have anything to do with it. I was reminded earlier that I don’t back down from a challenge. Ever. So, consider yourself warned, you are my challenge, and I intend to win. Enjoy this
friendship
for now, because I have plans for it to become much more. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but some day you and I will be what our bodies and hearts want us to be.” Sawyer, feeling energized from the adrenaline pumping through his veins, leaned in and grazed his lips against Luke’s cheek and then whispered, “This
will
happen. Count on it.”

Both men jerked back and separated when they heard Kendrick’s voice booming down the hallway outside the break room.

“He’s probably eating lunch,
Captain
! Let me see if I can find him for you.”

Sawyer was grateful for Kendrick’s loud warning. He walked to the sink to rinse his lunch dishes. Luke was gathering up his lunch belongings just as the captain walked into the room.

“Damn, boy, I’m not deaf. Stop that yelling. And I’m pretty sure I can find my own grandson in a lunch room.” Robert spoke in a disgruntled tone towards Kendrick’s retreating back as he opened the door to the break room.

His eyes immediately found Sawyer. Then he scanned the room and realized they weren’t alone. His gaze flitted back and forth between Luke and Sawyer for several seconds before piecing things together in his head. He closed his eyes, rubbed a hand over his face, and breathed deeply.

“Captain, good to see you, sir. This is Luke Hamilton, our new martial arts instructor. Luke, this is my grandfather, Robert Decker.” Sawyer easily made the introduction, without tripping over the nerves jangling about in his head and heart.

“Captain Decker, it’s good to meet you. Sawyer speaks highly of you, sir.” Luke held out a hand to shake.

“Well, I’m sure my name’s been mud as of late.” The captain looked a bit chagrined as he shook Luke’s hand. He appreciated the other man’s strong grip. This guy didn’t fit all of the stereotypical gay images Robert had floating around in his head.

“Sawyer, son, could we talk? Maybe in your office?” He spoke to his grandson through a mixture of nerves and hope.

Sawyer had never once seen his grandfather seem anything but sure of himself, so to see him nervous and doubting was a bit unsettling.

Trying to put the man at ease, Sawyer spoke, “I’ve got one better than that. How about I take the rest of the day off and we go talk over some fishing poles and bait?” Sawyer raised his eyebrows in question as he offered an impromptu invitation to his grandfather.

Sawyer turned to Luke, “Could you take care of anything that comes up while I’m gone? You’ve got my cell; call if you need me. I’ll let Decker know I’m leaving.”

“No problem. Enjoy the fishing.” Luke smiled at Sawyer and then turned and nodded at the captain before leaving the room.

“Alright, let’s get the fishing supplies and hit the lake. Let’s see who can catch the most. Winner gets to choose where we eat dinner.” Sawyer felt nervous anticipation about their upcoming discussion, excitement over doing something so familiar with his grandpa, and a giddy sense of hopefulness that maybe things between them could eventually turn out right.

***********

Sawyer leaned back in his folding lawn chair on the bank of the lake, letting his legs stretch out before him, and sliding his cap down over his eyes to shield what sun the shade tree couldn’t catch. Their lines stretched before them, and their bobbers floated silently in the calm water. The captain took the same position, and Sawyer sensed that he would need to wait for the man to start talking.

Thirty minutes later, Sawyer was roused from a sound sleep when his line jerked. Sitting up quickly and standing to get a better footing, he expertly reeled in the large fish on the end of his line. They got the fish off the hook, quickly weighed it, and threw it back in. Captain Decker made it a point to only keep the fish if they were planning a large fish fry.

As Sawyer settled back into his seat, he slyly pushed his luck with the captain as he mouthed silently, “That’s one,” while holding up one finger and winking at his grandpa’s disgruntled face.