Saying Goodbye (23 page)

~

Jeff and Mickey jogged the trail. “Mark!” Jeff kept yelling, looking into the foliage.

Mickey echoed his call, “Mark Antonious!” They used the spotlight and jogged the winding paths.

Behind them Jeff could hear the rumble of the off
-
road vehicle. He could see many trails splintering off the main one. At a fork, he and Mickey stopped. Billy cruised up and they said, “Take that side.” Jeff pointed to the wider trail. “Mick and I will take this one.”

Billy nodded and drove off, Adam holding the roll bar.

Jeff jogged the narrow path as Mickey shined the light ahead. “Mark!” he kept calling.

“I’m sick to my stomach, Jeff. Sick.” Mickey scanned the light back and forth along the trail.

“Stop it. He probably just passed out from not eating.” Jeff was about to throw up he was so nervous.

They jogged
and
then sprinted when the
trail
was obviously a single line and there were no other avenues for a horse to walk.

“Mick.” Jeff grabbed his shoulder. “Something
’s
up ahead. White.”

“It’s a fucking horse.” Mickey raced towards the animal.

A large
,
white stallion was standing still. It had its nose to the ground
and
then looked up, its eyes gleaming in the spotlight.

“Don’t spook it. Is Mark on it?” Jeff slowed down.

“No. No one is on it.” Mickey kept the light on the horse.

As they drew closer they could see something at the horse’s feet. The horse shifted and nuzzled
a dark mass
beside it.

“Oh fuck no!” Jeff crouched down and rolled Mark to his back, touching his skin and feeling for a pulse.

Mickey sobbed and took out his phone. “Billy, we got him. Get a fucking ambulance here.”

“Where the fuck are you!” Billy screamed so loudly, Jeff heard it. As Mickey tried to explain where the trail had split, Jeff cradled Mark. “Baby…” Jeff felt Mark’s cold skin. “Christ! Mick! I can’t tell if there’s a pulse or
if he’s even fucking breathing.
”

Mickey pressed his
lips
against Mark’s. He began blowing air into Mark’s mouth, closing Mark’s nose.

“CPR?” Jeff wiped at his tears.

Mickey didn’t answer, continuing rescue breathing.

A whine from the off
-
road vehicle coming closer made Jeff look behind him. He took the flashlight and waved it.

The horse snorted and shifted.

Jeff grabbed the hanging rein and watched Mickey continue to breathe into Mark.

Billy and Adam leapt off the buggy and crouched down.

“Oh fuck no!”Adam cried. “Is he dead?”

“Get him on the cart!” Billy went for Mark’s head and upper body. “Keep breathing into him
,
Mick.” They worked as a team, placing Mark on the buggy, Mickey crouched beside
Mark
, breathing air into Mark’s lungs.

Jeff held the horse and sat on the back of the
off-
road vehicle. The horse trotted behind them as they
managed to turn it around and
spe
e
d out of the trails.

Adam held Mark’s hand, squeezing his wrists. “Christ! I can’t feel a pulse! No. Goddamn it!”

Mickey whimpered and kept forcing air into Mark’s lungs, but he began to cry.

Jeff reacted and leaned over Mark, taking over. He pushed the horse’s reins at Mickey and then pinched Mark’s nose and blew air into his body. Until the medics pronounced Mark dead, he was not going to stop.

Billy flew the buggy down the narrow lane and Jeff could hear the clop of the horse’s hooves behind them.

Adam got on the phone and with his voice breaking into sobs, he said, “Jack
…
we found him. Jack
…
come home. Why aren’t you answering?”

Jeff cupped Mark’s face and blew air into his body, touching his neck for a pulse.

The off
-
road cart stopped and all of the men jumped off to tend Mark.

“CPR?” Billy asked, pulling open Mark’s leather jacket.

Mickey said, “He feels warm. His torso.” He pressed his ear to Mark’s chest. “Christ, I think I hear his heart beating. Someone check. Am I just imagining it?
My own p
ulse is racing and I can’t hear.
”

The stable owner took Piccadilly into the stable.

Sirens
whine
d out in the distance.

Adam pressed his cheek to Mark’s chest. “Baby. Don’t leave us. Baby! Don’t go!
” He said, “I think I
c
an
feel something but it’
s so low, so faint,
I
c
a
n’
t be sure if it’s me or him.”

“Mark!” Billy shook
Mark
, as if he were helpless and out of his mind. “Mark! It’s us. Baby! Can you hear us?”

Jeff began weeping against Mark’s lips and fell apart.

Mickey moved him
aside
and took over
the rescue breathing
.

Red, blue
,
and white lights spun
across the dark landscape
as the ambulance flew over the gravel lane. Adam waved them over.

Jeff rocked as he crouched beside Mark, crying uncontrollably. The crew leapt out of the truck and brought a
gurney with them.

Jeff grabbed Mickey’s shoulder as Mickey continued to blow air into Mark’s mouth.

The crew took over, using a bag
valve mask
to breath
e
for Mark
and hoisting Mark onto the
gurney
.

“Is he dead?” Adam asked, his eyes running with tears.

They rolled
the gurney
to the back of the truck
,
and
quickly
pushed it
in
.

Jeff and the other three followed, clutching each other. “For fuck’s sake!” Jeff screamed at them, “Is he still with us?”

One of the
two paramedics
stuck a needle into Mark’s arm while the other kept the bag
valve mask inflating and deflating,
breathing for Mark. “Hang on!” one of the crew yell
ed. “Will you let us do our job?
”

Adam grabbed Jeff, holding him back. “What hospital are you taking him to?”

“Memorial.” They shut Mark inside the ambulance and the driver climbed in and rode over the grass to turn around and fly down the dirt lane, leaving a huge dust cloud behind them.

Billy pushed Jeff to get into his car. “I’ll go with Adam. Go!”

Adam got behind the wheel and turned around as Jeff tried to see through his tear
s, Mickey beside him
.

They blasted out of the stable lot behind the ambulance, keeping up with it, Adam right behind them.

“Is he dead, Mick?” Jeff could not see
through his tears
.

Mickey choked back a sob. “I can’t tell. Jeff, he was still warm. Not his arms and legs, but his chest.”

“Why couldn’t we feel a pulse?” Jeff wiped his eyes and kept pace with the ambulance, running the red lights with it, as did Adam behind him.

“I don’t know.” Mickey gripped Jeff’s leg.

“Oh God. Steve. We need to call Steve!” Jeff kept wiping at his eyes.

Mickey stared at his phone. “What am I going to say?” He hiccupped as he sobbed.

Jeff bit his lip and couldn’t reply, gripped to the wheel and keeping on the bumper of the ambulance.

Steve couldn’t sit still. He paced the area near the gate at their connection in New York. Jack was reading a newspaper, appearing apathetic at best.

Since they flew stand-by
,
he and Jack did not sit together on the flight from Rome to New York. He wasn’t sure he wanted to.

What was there to say?

Steve checked his phone. It was dead. He dug through his bag for his charger
but
couldn’t locate it. Reluctantly, he walked to Jack and said, “Is your phone working?”

Jack looked up from the business section of the New York Times. “I don’t know. It’s not on.”

“It’s not on?” Steve gaped at him in disbelief. “What the hell is wrong with you?”

Jack grew defensive. “What the hell is wrong with you?” he repeated, with fury.

Steve stood in front of Jack, glaring down at him in the crowded mob o
f
people. “You seriously don’t care about Mark?”

“I do care. I’m just worn out.”

“Can I borrow your phone?” Steve held out his hand.

“Where’s yours?”

“It’s dead and I can’t find my fucking charger. I left so quickly, I didn’t pack it.”

Jack turned a page of the newspaper.

Steve nudged Jack’s knee.

“What?” Jack asked in exasperation.

“Can you just give me your phone?”

“
I think mine’s dead too.
Use a payphone.” Jack went back to reading.

“Don’t make me kick your ass in public.”

Jack laughed mockingly, not meeting his gaze.

Steve crouched down to speak quietly. “No one knows better than you do about Mark’s suicide attempts.”

Jack showed his teeth. “And yet, his husband flew to Rome to fuck his son.”

Steve flinched. “You hav
e any idea how much I regret it?
”

“That makes one of us.” Jack folded the newspaper and kept reading it.

Steve looked around to make sure no one was listening. “Really? The man yo
u’ve loved since college? Now? You d
on’t give a shit
?
Happy to stick hi
m six feet under when he’s dead?
”

Jack’s eyes grew fiery. He leaned closer to Steve and said, “He chose his own path, Miller. He did. He fucked his son-in-law. He betrayed Alex, you, me, Adam…”

Steve held the arm of the chair beside Jack. “Come on, Larsen. We all fuck around. You’re just pissed Billy had Mark and Alex.”

“Fuck you. Leave me the hell alone.” Jack held the newspaper up like a screen.

Steve stood, looking down at him. “Unbelievable. The lawyer who fights for everyone. The do-gooder who battles for the underdog, stands up for human rights
…
does pro bono work for anyone in need
…
turning his back on his longtime friend? His lover? One who is so goddamn unstable he just may kill himself over this mess?”

Jack’s jaw twitched.

“Mark really hurt you when he married me, didn’t he?”

Jack didn’t look, pretending to read the paper, but Steve could tell he wasn’t.

“Really fucked you off when I stole him away from Sharon on their wedding day.” Steve put his hands on his hips. “When you thought he’d marry Sharon, get tired of the straight charade and go running to your arms.”

“Get
…
the fuck
…
away from me.”

Steve shook his head. “And you went nuts when I wanted Mark to just
screw me. You cried like a baby.
You begged Mark to not stop
making
lov
e to
you.”

Jack stood up
so
abruptly, the newspaper f
ell
to the floor. They were nose to nose and Steve could feel people take notice.

Jack snarled and then said in a measured voice, “I don’t want to be anywhere near Mark now.”

“Why not? Just because Billy had his cock in him? You do realize Billy has had his cock in Alex
…
like
…
daily since they met.
Yet you didn’t hesitate sucking and fucking the kid.
”

Jack put his hand on Steve’s chest and shoved him.

Steve caught his balance and shook his head at Jack. “You suck. You know that? When we get back to LA, forget you know me. Forget you know Mark.”

Jack sat back down, picking up the newspaper and turning the page.

Steve checked the time of the flight and
grabbed
his carryon bag, shouldering the strap
,
and searched for either a payphone, which had nearly become obsolete, or a way to charge his mobile phone.