Saying Goodbye (28 page)

“Where the fuck have you been?” Hunter asked Steve as he hurried through the waiting room with Billy and Jeff.

“Uh…” Steve met with several of his good friends’ suspicious gaze
s
.

“Just keep moving.” Billy prodded Steve along.

Keith
yelled as Steve kept moving, “He’s awake, Steve!”

The grip on Steve’s arm was firm as Billy kept
escort
ing him towards Mark’s room. Inside that room was a group of people.

Billy pushed the stuffed bear at Steve and said, “Get the fuck in there.”

Steve held the bear and couldn’t believe Leslie was with Mark.

Alex spotted him immediately. “Steve!”

Leslie turned to look over her shoulder. “I’m surprised you weren’t by his side, Steven.”

Jack was putting ice chips on Mark’s
lips
while Adam, seated on the opposite side, held Mark’s hand.

“I’m sorry, Leslie. It was unforgiveable. I should have never left it.”

“Dad,” Alex said, laughing, “He brought your bear.”

Steve felt embarrassed but Billy had grabbed it, not him.

Leslie took it from Steve. “That’s his teddy from childhood.” She looked at Mark. “Did you save him from the estate?”

Alex reached for the bear. “Of course he did, Grandma.” He put the bear near Mark’s pillow.

Mark tried to look at it.

Steve could see Mark was still out of it. “Does anyone know if he’s going to be
…
okay? Like brain-wise?”

Jack replied, “So far so good. The doctors say he’s responding pretty well, considering.” Ja
ck handed Steve the cup. “Give him some of the ice
.”

Steve nodded and took Jack’s chair, looking at Mark. Steve held back a sob. “How ya doin’, baby-doll?”

Mark met his gaze.

“He can’t talk,” Leslie said, “The tube that had been down his throat
has caused
him some discomfort.”

Steve nodded. “Do you want ice? Fat free.”

Alex laughed and rested his head on Mark’s arm.

Steve took some of the ice chips and held them to Mark’s mouth.
Mark
closed his eyes and appeared grateful
as the cool water melted on his lips
.

Jack stood behind Steve. “Adam finally went home to shower and change.”

“What a trouper.” Steve shook his head. “He was here from the moment Mark was brought in.”

“Why weren’t you two?” Leslie asked.

“They were in Rome, Grandma
…
with me.” Alex interlaced his fingers with Mark.

“I see.”

Steve wondered if she did. “How long can you be away from the production, Alex?”

Alex shrugged. “I’m keeping Mr Ford advised of Dad’s condition. He said they can do scenes without me for a few days.”

Steve set the cup of ice aside. Mark licked his lips and appeared pale and exhausted. “My baby. My man.” Steve rested their heads together. In his ear he whispered, “Forgive me.”

“Steve,” Alex said quietly, obviously hearing him. “Don’t you dare.”

Jack squeezed Steve’s shoulders from behind. “No need to fire up conflict, Miller.”

Leslie walked closer to Steve, looking at him and then her son. “I have no idea why he does these foolish things. The man has so many friends. I have to admit, the amount of people in the waiting room has surprised me.”

Jack said, “He’s loved, Leslie. By more than just his fans.”

“I notice they are all men.” She raised her eyebrow.

“Gay men, Grandma.” Alex laughed.

“Hmm.” She obviously knew that. “He does not have one woman friend?”

Steve thought about it. “Maybe Sharon.”

“Err…” Jack replied, “I don’t think you can count her as his BFF.”

Alex chuckled and
snuggled
on Mark’s shoulder.

Mark tried to turn to look at him.

A nurse entered the room. “Guys, he must be exhausted. Can you give the poor man a break?”

“I was going to go rest anyway.” Leslie picked up her jacket and purse.

“Do you need a place to stay?” Steve asked.

“Harry and I have arranged for a hotel room close by. But thank you, Steven.” She walked to the bedside. “Goodbye, Mark.” She kissed his cheek.
“Jack?” Leslie held out her elbow to him, as if waiting for Jack to escort her out.

Mark parted his lips as if to say words, but nothing came out.

Jack leaned down close to Steve’s ear. “I’ll head home and come back with Ad
am after we get some food and
rest.”

“Okay.”

“Not a word to Mark. You understand?”

Steve did but was not happy about it. He didn’t answer.

“Later.” Hooking his elbow around Leslie’s, Jack left the room.

Alex and Steve were the only two left.

Billy had returned to the waiting room with Jeff.

Mark seemed to be looking towards the bear.

Alex moved it so Mark could hold it to his chest. “
Are y
ou looking for Praline, Dad?”

Steve watched Mark’s reaction, which was slow. He held the bear and then met Steve’s gaze.

Steve asked Alex quietly, “Did they say if he suffered brain damage?”

“No. They didn’t say. I can’t tell, Steve. He’s drugged up. They put him on something so he would stop fighting. He was going crazy when he woke up, pulling out the tube in his throat and
thrashing on the bed
.”

Steve and Mark stared at each other.

“Where were you? I know Adam said you went home to shower and change, but
…
how many hours does it take?”

“I’m sorry, Alex. I should have been here.”

“Ya think? Ya dildo. Dad loves you more than anyone. More than Billy, believe me.”

Steve met Alex’s eyes. “But not more than you.”

“I’m his son.” Alex shrugged. “I get numero uno in the pecking order. Suck it up, copper.”

Mark reached out for Steve.

Steve immediately clasped Mark’s hand. Mark moved his lips but Steve had no idea what he wanted to say. As Mark struggled, Steve pressed his ear close to Mark’s mouth.

Alex was riveted to them, as if he was dying to hear what his father would say.

And very faintly Steve heard, “I
…
was…”

Steve caressed Mark’s hair. “Don’t strain yourself, baby.”

Mark shook his head and forced Steve to
listen to
him. “Saying goodbye…”

Steve closed his eyes, thinking he had similar thoughts when he held his old off duty weapon on his lap.

“Goodbye…” Mark repeated, like a breath of air.

Steve gripped Mark to himself, closing his eyes.

“What’s he saying, Steve?”

Steve kept listening to Mark.

“Thought
…
thought all of you…” Mark swallowed and Steve could feel him wince from the pain in his throat.

“Mark, it’s okay. You don’t have to speak.”

“All of y
ou…” Mark forced himself to keep going
. “Would be better…”

“No. Never. No way.” Steve shook his head.

“Steve!” Alex stood up in anxiety.

Steve held up his hand to stay Alex.

“Better without the fuckup…” Mark rested his head on the pillow, seemingly exhausted from the effort.

Tears ran down Steve’s cheeks.

“Steve
.
” Alex reached for Mark. “What did he say?”

“That he was saying goodbye,” Steve sobbed, “That we would be better without him.”

Alex crawled on the bed to lie alongside Mark, holding Praline with Mark, against Mark’s chest. “No way, Dad. No way.”

A nurse entered and said, “If you do that, young man, you’ll pull his feeding tube out.”

Alex looked at the intravenous line. “Don’t worry, one thing Dad can stand, its starvation.”

Steve shook his head at Alex. “You are so mean.”

“He knows I love him.”

The nurse inspected the needle and pressed the tape down. “I should kick you both out. He needs to sleep.”

“Not happening, lady.” Alex closed his eyes against his father’s cheek.

Steve rested his head on Mark’s arm.

Mark shifted slightly under Steve. When he did, Steve felt Mark reaching for him. Steve cupped Mark’s hand in his and brought it to his lips, rest
ed his head
on Mark
’s arm
again,
and then
shut
his eyes.

“I love you, Mark Antonious. So much.” Steve wept against Mark’s chest and couldn’t stop.

He heard Alex sigh and felt Alex caressing his hair. Steve thought of how close he came to shooting himself, thinking Mark was lost. His sobs increased and he hid his face in Mark’s hospital gown.

Light kisses fell on Steve’s hair and he knew they were from Mark.

If
…
or really when
…
Mark found out about his and Jack’s sex with Alex, Steve wondered if it would be goodbye. Or if keeping that secret eternally was the only way to stop Mark from repeating this act.

The guilt in Steve kept him weeping.

Maybe Mark wasn’t completely innocent in his affair with Billy, but Steve had a feeling it certainly wasn’t as deliberate an act as what he and Jack had done in Rome.

Steve buried his face against Mark and cried himself to sleep.

~

Mark opened his eyes.

Alex was cuddled against him
, lying
on the hospital bed
,
and Steve was asleep on his opposite side, against Mark’s shoulder. He swallowed but his throat was sore from the breathing tube. He glanced at a monitor and watched it register his heart rate, temperature, pulse, and pressure. He didn’t know a good number from a bad one, so he kept looking around at the equipment. A bag was hanging from a stand and as he followed the drip tube he could see it taped to the back of his hand. Mark
looked at
window
s
on both sides of the room; one showing the hallway, the other, outside. He hadn’t a clue where he was
other than ‘a hospital’
.

As his focus returned to the window facing the hall, he could see Blake and Hunter, Jeff and Mickey, standing behind the glass. When his eyes met
theirs
they all appeared thrilled and high-fived each other, or fist-bumped. Hunter poked his head into the room. “We got the okay, since you were off the respirator.”

Mark glanced at a sleeping Alex and Steve.

Hunter put his finger to his lips. “We’ll be quiet.”

The group of cops and firemen entered, smiling brightly at him. Blake whispered as he stood near Steve, “These two cops
rescue
d you, gorgeous.”

Mark didn’t understand him.
Rescued
me
?

“They’re our heroes.” Blake put his arm around Mickey and hugged him.

Josh poked his head into the room. “Is he awake?”

“Shh.” Mickey pointed at Alex and Steve.

Josh nodded and held Tanner’s hand, entering the room. Tanner said, “Boy, are you a sight for sore eyes.”

Mark tried to smile at him.

Josh stood near Mark’s legs and rubbed them. “Our cops found you. Smart
LAPD dudes
.” Josh tapped his head.

Blake said, “But how stupid were all of us to not realize you’d go to your horse.”

Mark g
ot a flash of a dream or memory
,
s
tanding in his barn at the estate
; h
is father yelling at him to shovel the horse manure.

Mickey stood over Steve, who slept soundly
cuddled up on one side
of Mark. “You scared the shit out of us, Richfield. No more stupid suicide attempts. Christ. Do you know how many men were in the waiting area? We overwhelmed the hospital staff and the friggin
’
press
i
s
still
outside chomping at the bit for details.”

Josh rested his chin on Mark’s leg. “You do know if things get to you, you have all of us to talk to. Right?”

Mark glanced at his son, sleeping like an angel against him. Thoughts of screwing Billy began to return to Mark.

Tanner asked, “Are we wearing him out?”

“Probably,” Hunter said, “But we’ve been waiting for two fucking days to get in here and see
him
.”

Two days?
Mark tried to think of time. He couldn’t. He tri
ed to speak but his throat was to
o sore.

Blake held up his hand. “Don’t. Do you need water?”

Mark nodded.

Blake picked up a cup
and reached over Steve.

Mark
s
ipped it
, allowing Blake to pour drops
of water
into his mouth
.

“That’s it, baby. Drink slowly.” Blake moved closer.

Josh said, “
Keith and Carl and
Jack and Adam said they’d see you later today. And your mom was here. Wow. How about that? Huh? All the way from London?”

Mark stopped drinking and asked softly, “Mum?”

Blake nodded. “Yes. Your mother and her husband were here.”

“Still?” Mark asked, struggling
to speak
.

Jeff nodded. “Yup. They’re over at the
Hilton
.”

Steve began to stir.

“Shit, we woke Miller,” Mickey said.

Mark stared at Steve
,
who was unshaven, sporting designer stubble at the moment, and looking worn out. He rubbed his neck and sat up.

“Did you drool on poor Mark?” Hunter asked, smiling.

“Shit,” Steve said, “What time is it?”

“Ten,” Blake said after checking his watch.

Mark assumed that meant morning, since it was light outside.

Steve held Mark’s hand. “How are you, my love?”

Mark managed to whisper, “Good.”

“Are you hungry?” Steve asked.

“Good luck getting him to eat,” Jeff said, pointing at the tube, “That’s breakfast.”

“Yogurt?” Steve asked Mark
,
“Juice?”

Blake said, “You’d better check to see if they’ll let him eat
real food
yet.”

Hunter said, “I’ll ask.” He left the room.

Alex began moving, slowly coming back to consciousness.

Mark touched his hair, tugging it playfully.

When Alex felt it he smiled. “Hey, Dad.”

“Is that your teddy bear, Alex?” Tanner asked.

“No. It’s Dad’s.” Alex
hugged the bear.

Josh smiled. “How adorable is that?”

Mark mouthed, “Pathetic.”

“No, no way.” Josh
cuddl
ed
against
Mark’s legs.

“How’s your throat?” Steve asked.

“Sore.” Mark rubbed it.

Blake han
ded Steve the cup
.

Mark sipped more water and then relaxed on the pillow. “Don’t…”
h
e touched his throat and said, “Don’t you need to work?” hoarsely.

All the men shook their heads, no. “Fuck work. You mean more
than the job
.” Mickey reached for Mark’s hand.

Mark managed to reach
out
and clasped it.

A nurse
entered
the room with a tray. “Good lord! Do you always have a posse
surround
ing you?”

Josh chuckled and Steve sat back
to allow her to bring the tray to Mark
. “Good. Food.” He pointed at Mark. “And you will eat
.
”

The nurse said to Alex and Steve, “Back up. I’m going to have him sit up.”

Alex and Steve made sure they weren’t in the way.

Mark
waited as the nurse made the bed
incline
and then placed the tray of food in front of Mark. Before she left, Mark craned his finger towards her. She leaned closer. Mark said, “Remove catheter now.”

“I’ll check with the doctor.”

“I’ll yank it myself,” he warned.

“What did he say?” Jeff asked.

The nurse replied to Mark, “I know. I heard what you did with the tracheal tube. I wouldn’t put anything past you.”

“And this.” Mark pointed to the intravenous tube.

“You show the doc you’re eating and ambulatory, and he may do both. But,
slow down
, Mr Richfield
. One step at a time.
” She shook her head and fluffed up Mark’s pillow, then asked, “Someone going to help him?”

“I will.” Steve peeled back the lid on the yogurt.

The nurse left.

“I can, Steven.” Mark picked up the plastic
spoon
.

“Geez, Dad, you are one stubborn fuck.” Alex looked at the tape on the back of Mark’s hand. “I can tug that out.”

Blake and Hunter
both said, “Don’t you dare.
”

“Listen to the firemen, Alex.” Tanner shook his head.

Mark took a taste of the yogurt and it was like honey after nothing but water. “Blake, take out the bloody catheter.”

Steve winced. “Oh
…
that’s what you asked her.”

“Is it in your dick?” Alex cringed.

Blake and Hunter exchanged looks. “What if you can’t get up to piss?”

“I’ll use a bloody bedpan
,
”
Mark said hoarsely.

Steve held up his hand. “Slow the fuck down, Richfield. You went from zero to sixty in three seconds.”

“Blake.” Mark implored with his eyes.

“You guys know how to do that?” Jeff asked.

“Yeah.” Hunter glanced at the hall. “Cover us.”

The men formed a wall.

Mark moved the tray and Blake peeled back the blanket and pushed Mark’s gown aside.

“I can’t watch.” Alex turned his head.

“Like pulling off a band-aide.” Hunter said to Mark, “On the count of three?”

Mark closed his eyes.

After the count,
Blake removed it, tossing the tube down beside the bag.

Exhaling with relief, Mark whispered, “Thank bloody hell.”

“She’s gonna be pissed off.
” Blake moved the blankets back and then Mark’s tray of food.

“
Bollocks to her.
Don’t want a flamin’ tube in my dick.” Mark shifted on the bed and kept eating.

“But he wouldn’t mind a plug up his ass.” Josh rested on Mark’s legs again.

Mark winked at him and finished the yogurt.

“Feel sick?” Hunter asked.

“No.” Mark opened the small carton of milk and drank it down.

“I haven’t seen Dad eat this much…” Alex said, teasing, “ever?”

Mark tossed the empty milk carton at him, hitting Alex in the head, making him laugh.

“Oh, Mark Antonious.” Steve sighed. “Whatever will we do with you?”

“Not much until he feels better.” Jeff touched Mark’s toes through the blanket.

Mark began to
grow
tired and rested on the pillow. He gazed at his truest friends as they surrounded him. Did they know? Did they know what he had done
with Billy
? Did Alex?

Mark had no idea. He’d lost two days.

He glanced at his son who was still
sat
by his side, holding the silly bear. Mark petted Alex’s hair and asked, “Shouldn’t you be making a movie?”

“Yes. I should be.” Alex closed his
eyes and rested on Mark’s shoulder
.

“What will I have to do this time to get you your part back?”

“Nothing!” Steve yelled,
and
then looked sheepish.

“Whoa. Calm down, Officer Miller.” Alex shook his head. “Mr Ford said its okay. So just relax
,
Dad.”

Mickey folded his arms over his chest. “Okay. What’s the story here?”

“No story.” Steve shook his head. “There is no story anywhere.”

Hunter asked, “Will we have to read it in the tabloids?”

Alex moaned and put the bear over his head.

Mark sighed and closed his eyes. “I’m sorry, lads
…
I’m very tired.”

“Get some rest, Mark,” Jeff said.

One by one the men kissed him
and left
the room.

Alex and Steve remained behind, holding onto Mark. The nurse returned and said, “Okay, I can…” She stopped talking and asked, “Who took out your catheter?”

Steve replied, “Two paramedics. Don’t worry.”

“Humph! And that feeding tube stays in until you eat solid food, Mark.”

“I did. I ate your bloody yogurt.”
Mark waved at her and closed his eyes.

“Good. I’ll let the doctor know. I’m sure he wants you up and out of here soon.” The nurse took the tray when she left.

Alex kissed
Mark
and Steve rested his head on Mark’s shoulder.

Mark wondered once he was slightly better, and everyone exchanged notes, if this little snu
ggle would be the last. And when
Alex found out about his and Billy’s affair, whether he’d be saying goodbye
…
to both his men.

Mark reached to each of them, squeezing them tight, and
hot tears ran down his cheeks.