Sebastian: The Complete Series (44 page)

Robert said our goodbyes and thanked him and a couple of nurses watching from behind their desk—both giving him googly eyes, I noticed—then he made for the lift.

As we waited for what seemed to be an eternity—stupid old lifts—I looked up to him, taking his hand in mine. “You're who I want to talk to.”

“I know.” Robert smiled down at me before wrapping me up in a big bear hug. “And I'm ready whenever you are, baby.”

T
he familiar scent and surroundings of Robert’s home made me feel instantly better. I hadn’t felt comfortable since we moved out of here and went to his parents’ place.

It felt nice to be back and to feel safe again. It didn’t have anything to do with the fancy house alarm which had been fitted while we were away. It was because ever since I'd moved out I felt like all I wanted to do was come back. It felt like home, and I was sure it was because of Robert and how welcoming he’d been to me, but the house itself had a homey feel to it.

There was a moment where we both just stood in the entrance hall, looking around and breathing the place in before we turned to each other, each smiling before stepping closer and enveloping each other in a hug.

“Being back here without you felt all wrong.” Robert’s thumb traced my mouth gently, his brown eyes gazing deeply into mine before a barely there kiss grazed my lips. “Don’t ever leave again.”

“I won’t. I promise.”

“Good.” Robert moaned before capturing my mouth in a more determined kiss, one with more heat and desire, more… dominance. That thought made me blanch a little. It was becoming obvious that was now an issue for me, and probably why I couldn’t gel with Jacob. He was too pushy, too much too soon and in my face all the time. The idea of being
told
what to do bugged me before, but now… It was a step too far.

Breathing a little quickly, I stood back from him. “Give me a second.” The beads of sweat prickling my forehead bothered me, but the frustration why they were there at all made me sweat even more.

“It’s okay.” Robert stood back from me, hands in pockets, looking to the floor. “I'm sorry.”

“Don’t be.” Did he even know why he was apologising? It seemed he was always saying sorry lately and I'm pretty sure the word just fell from his lips without thought. Everything about me seemed to stiffen seeing him so afraid, so apologetic for touching me. “Don’t be afraid to touch me. It’s fine.”

“Sebastian…” Robert looked into my eyes and sighed. “It’s obviously not, baby.”

“I'm fine. You touching me is fine. Everything’s fine.”
Fine, fine, fine. Everything’s fine.

“Fine, huh?” Robert held my stroppy gaze for a moment, then slowly closed his brown eyes, chewing on his bottom lip while he internalised whatever the fuck he obviously wanted to say.

Sighing internally, I fixed a nice, bright smile on my lips and moved closer to him. “You know what’s
not
fine? That I'm starving and there’s no food.”

Robert looked into my eyes and nodded slowly, a sexy smirk making its way onto his lips and those cute dimples on show for me. “You know, you using food as a tool to hide behind won’t work for long.”

“Oh yeah? How long
will
it work for?” I bit my lip as I tried to stop the laughter from bubbling out, but it happened way too soon and he shook his head. “Oh, come on, Robert.” I rolled the r and t and got a chuckle from him. “Relax a bit. Please.” I kissed him this time, circling my hands around his back and standing on my toes so I could be the one to own the moment and move him back against the wall. “I’ve missed you so much.”

My head found comfort on his shoulder and I relaxed against him, just wanting that warmth and comfort and… nothing else. Now that was a turn up for the books, but I reminded myself my body was still aching and sore—strangely enough not my arse. Apparently because I was practically unconscious at the time, ‘down there’—to coin my grandmother’s phrase—had survived the trauma. Which is more than I could say for my wrists and ankles, and my bruised ribs, oh, and the lacerations on my thigh where he lashed me with…
“Do you think if you did live through this, your attitude would survive, or would the memories of what you’ve gone through break you in half?”

Shit!

“Sebastian!” Robert’s stern, controlled voice sounded a tad too loud, and I frowned, brushing his flapping hands off my chest. “Seb…”

It took me a loooong moment to realise I was now laid on the floor. My body was stretched out in the hallway and the room was spinning, still coming back into focus as my lids fought with me to stay open. Then, as quickly as the disorientation came, everything was okay and I was attempting to sit up.

“Whoa! Stay down. You're still coming round.” He glanced quickly at his wristwatch, and then at me. I noticed his tender touch on my arm wasn’t just down to him wanting to comfort me, but was in fact so he could check my pulse. “You passed out.”

“No way! And I thought I just fancied a quick rest on this comfy looking hardwood flooring.” Yeah, even semi-unconscious the snark doesn’t go away, people. “My back hurts.” It did, and my thighs too. I had stitches in them and they were being pulled too tightly. “I need to move.”

Robert looked to where I was holding and slowly turned me on to my side. “Better?”

“Not really.” Okay, it felt tons better, but I was on the floor, confused and pissed off and not ready to admit that to him.

“Just lay here for a bit longer, then I’ll sit you up and get you some sweet tea to sip. Your pulse is slow. I’ll grab my bag then I can check your blood pressure when you're feeling up to it.”

I could tell from his tone he wanted to run off and grab everything medical he could lay his hands on, but he also wanted to stay with me. I took hold of his hand, pulling him down behind me and smiled as I felt him spoon up against my back, being careful to not cause my injuries any further pain as he did so. I wanted him close to me; even if it was just hugs, it was good to have him against me.

When we’d both laid in silence for a few minutes, he ran his fingers through my hair and placed a soft kiss on my shoulder. “What happened?”

“I was thinking… thinking about… about where it hurts and I sort of just…”
How the hell did I end up on the fucking floor? There was no warning. I don’t remember anything.
“I didn’t feel like I was going to pass out like that. Why did it happen?”

“You're run down, Seb. You’ve been through a traumatic event, not just physically but mentally, and on top of all the drugs you’ve been taking, your body is just too weak from lack of nutrients to keep going. I can't help with all of those issues, but your health and making sure you eat better, I can help with them. Time and love, knowing I'm here to listen and not judge you for what happened are what you need for the rest.”

I was creating a mental tick list in my head, trying to order them and get some control back. If I ate better and built up my strength, I wouldn’t be so weak, and I wouldn’t pass out at the drop of a hat. My eyes rolled there. Could you feel it? The stronger I was, the quicker the pain killers would work themselves out of my system and stop making me dizzy. If I looked healthier and put some weight on, Robert and my parents would stop worrying so much.

I could sort the external problems out first. Maybe along the line, as my body repaired itself, my internal issues would get better too. Besides, it was easier and more familiar territory concentrating on my food issues than all the other shit flying around my head. I felt like if I could control them, my world would stop spinning so fast and I could stop clinging on so tightly to the handlebars of life and relax.

“All this stress over the last months, I know my eating has suffered, but it was one of the only things I could control. I feel like it’s still the only thing I can control, but in the other direction if you get me. I want to be healthier, Robert. I'm ready to move on and stop missing meals and controlling my portions. I don’t want to worry you or my parents. I’ve put them both through so much over the years and I don’t want to do that again. I know what I have to do.”

“And I’ll be here to help you all the way.” Robert kissed my neck then sat up, taking hold of my hand and slowly helping me to sit up against the wall where I closed my eyes and took a few deep, slow breaths. “I'm going to get you in the sitting room and then we can have some tea and I’ll check you over again. I really wish you hadn't been so insistent about leaving the hospital. I feel you should still be there, and don’t give me that look. I want you home, but I also want what’s best for your health.”

“Being here
is
what’s best for me.”

H
ot tea in the sitting room followed by some thick soup which my mum brought round and yet more mind-numbing daytime TV surrounded by the people I loved more than anything else in the world eased me into a sleepy state, and I kept dropping off though the evening until my parents woke me to say goodnight.

It was only eight o’clock, but I was ready for a shower followed by Robert’s huge bed. It took longer than I thought getting into it though. The shower was a real pain in the arse because of my stitches and the wrappings covering them. I’d had help in the hospital with the nurses, but being at home it felt different receiving that help. Bathing yourself was such a basic need, and one we’re used to doing since the age of five or something. To have that taken away from you as an adult made me feel angry. The hospital staff was paid to look after me and do all those demeaning jobs, and they did it well, never making me feel uncomfortable or useless, but having your boyfriend do it… not the same at all. I mean, sharing a shower with sexy times included I’m all up for, but standing in there, already feeling like my body wasn’t my own and unsure what to do about all the bandages and wrappings had me irritated quickly.

Afterwards, Robert fussed over me some more, and then the drama of having all my bandages replaced began. If there were any doctor / patient kink hidden in the depths of my mind, it very quickly disappeared. Already feeling vulnerable and slightly uncomfortable with Robert playing doctor, the act of him suddenly being the professional I knew he was made me want to crawl into a hole and hide until everything was over.

It was easier to lie there and pretend he was just some random doctor being paid to look after me rather than my boyfriend who was healing cuts and welts left in my flesh by his ex. The ex he saw for years and years, the ex who killed at least two people and hurt more than I’d like to think about. The ex whose depraved mind he didn’t have a clue about, but shared the same house, the same bed, for all those years.

I wasn’t angry at Robert. Oh no. I wasn’t. I mean, it may come across like that, but I totally wasn’t holding any sort of ill will towards him at all. I’m nodding emphatically to emphasize that fact. Anyway… I was confused.

I know that’s sort of a normal state for me, but this time I was more confused than before. All I could do was keep quiet until I knew what was going on in my head, so an early night on a comfy bed and several high strength pain killers was the best night ever, and I had every intention of sleeping for hours and hours. The longer I slept, the less thinking I would do. Or so I thought.

It didn’t take me long to fall into a deep sleep, one where I dreamed of insane things such as Harry hating me and never speaking to me. I was sad and cried. I don’t really do that, but I remember sobbing so loud I woke up. Robert was holding me, and in my sleepy state, I just drifted off again. I went from one bad experience to another, and then finally, I woke up, finding myself alone on the bed and the room in total darkness. I reached over for the lamp and found myself staring into those blue eyes of Leo’s.

“Hi, Seb.” The whispered, gravelly tone ran straight through me until I felt my bones grow cold.

He wasn’t real. I wasn’t pretty sure about that. Maybe eighty percent sure.