Sebastian: The Complete Series (46 page)

“That’s our problem, isn't it? It’s always been our problem.” I sat down in the chair and looked up at him. “We’re always worried about what
other
people think, about how we affect the people around us. How I affect you and your life, how you affect mine, and all those, they’re all negative things we worry about. Look at us now. There are so many positive things we could be thinking about, but we’re not. We’re back here again, with me possibly leaving and you being okay with it.”

“I never said I was
okay
with it!” Robert fisted his hands by his thighs and growled a little.

“You just said—”

“I would be okay with you making that choice because if you took that option, then it would be what
you
wanted. You think I'd be happy if you left me? No. Not a chance, but I wouldn’t stop you or force you to stay. I gave you a choice, go with me or by yourself. You always have a choice, Seb, that’s what I'm trying to get across here. Would I be happy without you? No. Never. Not even for a day. But would I be happy knowing if you came back that it was your decision to return to me? Yes.”

Robert moved to me, squatting down in between my legs, holding my knees as he looked into my eyes. “You think you're the only one who feels like this? That we’re here because there was no choice? I need you to decide to be with me, Seb. Not for the money, or for the sex, not because I was the safe option in a world where you didn’t feel safe, but because you want this future together. Our future. I want you for forever. I want you and me to be here, or wherever, it really doesn’t matter where, I just want this. Me and you. Even before everything else happened, we had issues stopping us, or we felt like they were. Our age, my job, your studies, the distance, our conflicting needs for the future… The client / escort thing. It went on and on but none of them matter, they never did. Nothing is stopping us from being together. Nothing.”

He was right. Nothing he’d mentioned was a problem now. I had everything I wanted right in front of me, on his knees, pleading with me to see it like he did. “I will never be worth the pain and suffering I’ve put you through.”

“Jesus, Seb.” Robert laughed. “Shit, yeah, we’ve had more than our fair share of pain and suffered through crap we shouldn’t have, but, baby, none of that was down to you. If you think for one second I lay any blame for what’s happened at your feet, then you're wrong. I only have myself to blame for this. I should have seen… I should have known.”

“Don’t, don’t do this to yourself. Please.” I sank to the ground with him and held him tightly. “I don’t blame you.”

“But you're angry at me for not seeing this, I know you are.”

That was sort of true. “I know it’s nothing to do with you. Any anger I had I took out on you because I had no one else to take it out on, and I'm sorry for that. I’ve been a real bitch to live with. I wasn’t angry at you because I thought you should have seen what he was, I was angry at everything. I still am, I'm just learning to let it go quicker and I see it’s wrong to take it out on those who love me. Stop blaming yourself and I’ll stop doubting why I'm here. I've always had a choice. You never forced me to be here. I came willingly. I'm just afraid, Robert.”

“You're not alone.” He attempted a sad smile, brushing back my hair. “The thought of losing you freaks me out. I know how much it hurts, and I don’t ever want to go through that again. Whether it was by your choice or someone else, I can't be without you.”

“I don’t want to be without you.”

“Then tell me you'll stay.” He took hold of my face in those big hands and stared into my eyes. “Tell me you choose to stay.”

“I want this. There’s no choice, Robert, but if there was, I made it a long time ago. You're where I want to be. You. Not London or Leeds, or wherever we may be, but you. You're all I need. Everything else, it’s just extras. Extras I could live without, but without you… I couldn't deal with that. I want this.”

Robert would obviously take more convincing, but he rubbed his bristly face against mine. “No more worrying about if I want you here, then?”

“Well, there’s going to be some times you wish I wasn’t here, and I guess I'm going to worry about those times, but no, I’ll try to let that go.” I grinned at him. “You're pretty much the only person who I trust right now. I think I've shut everyone else out without meaning to.”

“I know and everyone understands.” A few spots of rain fell, causing us both to look up at the grey clouds now rolling slowly above. “Time to go in.”

“Yeah.” I glanced to the house, seeing both my mum and Robert’s watching us through the kitchen window, though they spun around pretty fast when they spotted me looking. “I wonder what’s for dinner?”

“Some sort of Irish stew they cooked up together at my mum’s place and brought over.”

“Hmm, nice. You know, when things calm down, we’re really going to miss all this home cooking.”

“Yeah, but I'm pretty good in the kitchen and so are you, so we’ll just take turns.”

“Speaking of taking turns… I want sex tonight and you're on the bottom.” I grinned at the sweet blush which crept over his face.

“You're not re—”

“We’ll be careful.”

“I don’t know.” He took my hand and started walking back to the house. “Let’s see how you feel tonight. We don’t have to go all the way. It’s early days. There are other ways to show how much we mean to each other without it.”

“I can want sex, Robert. That doesn’t end just because I got… just because…” I growled in frustration. Not once had I said
that
word out loud.

Robert stopped me walking with a hand on my chest and the other running through my hair. “I want you. Don’t doubt that. I just need to make sure we’re not going too fast. Don’t rush into this, please.”

I hated him being right so much, but it was becoming a habit.

A
week after my dad left, it was my mum’s turn. Not that she was happy about it at all, but because I was feeling much better and a lot of aches and pains had eased off, she had to get back to my dad and her job. Besides, between me and my dad complaining about her abandoning him, she felt much more inclined to go home. I'd also been filling her head full of ideas about the house being a mess and Dad burning the kitchen to cinders attempting to cook for himself for the first time in forever.

I was all over this eating thing, and despite the pull to weigh myself every hour, I was limiting it to once a day first thing in the morning. Both Mum and Robert worried it was because I was panicking about putting weight on, but it was the opposite. I was watching my numbers go up and I was happy about it. The high fat, high protein diet had me eating foods I enjoyed but often went without so I could keep super slim.

I was aiming to be at least the same weight I was when I first met Robert, and I had around five pounds to go before I reached it. I’d put on more after that, but that was my first milestone. Anyway, I was naturally slim, I wasn’t ever going to be bulky and there was the fashion to consider… I stopped myself from making those same excuses I'd fallen victim to all my life and ate another slice of avocado. It tasted like shit, but it was on my list of good stuff and high fat, so I ate a plate of it every day for my mid-morning snack.

Today was the first day I’d ventured out in the car. I wanted to go with Robert and my mum to the train station. It gave me a huge sense of relief and pride when I stood smiling at her as I waved her off, and I think she breathed a sigh seeing me out of the house.

Two weeks of recovering at home and I was still perfectly okay with being there, which shocked the hell out of everyone who knew me, but I was happy with it. Okay, yes, I was still hiding, but I was happy hiding. Baby steps. I needed baby steps and Robert was fine with that. As long as I felt safe in the house, he agreed with me being there, but like most things, he would push a little for me to get out. Not too much, just asking if I fancied a drive to the shops to get some milk, but it was enough to remind me this housebound situation wasn’t going to continue forever and at least I thought about going outside.

He asked me the day before my mum left if I was going to drop her off, and after sleeping on it, I said yes. It was more thinking about it which worried me, but once I got out there, everything seemed normal. The world had continued on as if nothing had happened. Sure, there was stuff in the papers the first two weeks, but like everything else in life, it soon became old news. No doubt that would change when the court case happened, but at least I had a month or so to get my head around that bit.

Robert walked into the sitting room, drying his hands on a towel as he walked toward me where I sat beside the fire. “Hey, lunch is nearly ready.”

“It smells good. It’s a bit early though.” I checked my watch. Eleven thirty.

“I thought we’d eat at twelve.” He cleared his throat. He was nervous, so obviously he’d done something wrong.

“What have you done?”

“Nothing.”

“That was a tad too quick.” I grinned at him.

He shrugged, and then sighed. “Well, I’m going back to work soon, and I wanted to catch up with what’s going on there. You know… gossip about me.”

“I don’t blame you for wanting an inside look at what you're walking into. What’s that got to do with early lunch?”

“I invited a friend who I work with around for a chat.” He threw the towel over his shoulder and checked his nails. “Jay.”

“Ohhhh, right.” That explained the shiftiness. “Look, I like him
and
don’t like him. He helped rescue me from that prick, so I owe him big style, but there’s just something which rubs me up the wrong way with him.”

“He’s never made friends easily, but he’s a good person, Seb, and one of my closest friends. If it wasn’t for him, you and I would never have met.”

“Huh, remind me to thank him when he comes round.” Maybe I could blame Jacob for setting me on this path instead. Yeah, that was a good idea.

“That was a good thing.” Robert frowned down at me.

“Yeah, of course.”

“Fine. Look, they’ll be here in an hour, so come eat.” He wasn’t happy with me swinging from good to bad in my mind about my experience as an escort. Sure, good stuff came out of it, but right then there was a ton more bad stuff than good.

“They?” I groaned a little. “Is he bringing his obedient puppy for a playdate with me?”

Dominque bugged me.

Okay, he didn’t bug me, but what did was the fact he was stunning and made me feel like the Elephant Man sitting there in a corner, drooling while I thanked Mr Sexy for even being able to look at me. ‘You are so beautiful—’ Cue huge, disgusting slurping noises as I sucked the drool from my disfigured lips back inside my mouth. ‘—and I am so ugly.’ Another slurp of spit.

“Seb?”

“Huh?” I have to stop doing this! “Yeah, yeah, that’s fine. It will be fun.” I gave him a huge smile and clapped my hands. “But… I don’t have time to eat if he’s coming round. I need to go, you know, not look like the Elephant Man, so… I need to go.” I rushed for the stairs with Robert calling out to me.

“What? Seb!”

“I refuse to look U.G.L.Y every time he comes to visit. I'm getting a complex about it.”

“For fuck’s sake, Sebastian. You couldn't be ugly if you tried.”

“Oh, shut up. You have eyes, you see how attractive he is, and we’ve not had sex in ages.” Every time I initiated it, or made it plain I wanted to have it, he’d back off. He’d stopped saying no, instead just letting me tease myself with the thought of it then letting me cool down and making sure he went to bed in his boxers. “I'm not sitting there looking like this when I know he’ll turn up being all gorgeous.” I usually never gave anyone a higher ranking on the good looking level, and even if they were, I never believed it myself because I am just so ace!! But every time we’d met I’d been at such a low part of my life, and I was determined not to let this meeting go the same way.

Robert threw me a frown which I ignored, and hurried into our room, stripping my clothes off all the way and tripping over my jogging pants as I kicked them from my feet. I needed more clothes. I had tons of suitcases in my dad’s garage, and felt like slapping myself for not having one of them brought over. I had an outfit which I’d ordered online a few days into my stay here which I’d never worn, and quickly pulled the grey jeans and canary yellow shirt from their hangers, holding the shirt to my chest and hoping it wouldn’t look too bright.

Getting ready in record time, and feeling good with how I looked in the snugly fitting clothes, I pulled out my hair styling gear and went to work on the mess which was my hair. All I’d been doing was washing it and giving it a quick comb and I hadn't realised it had grown too long for me to style how I wanted. Irritated, I messed with it for five minutes until I had it looking good, then I took a breath and stared at my reflection in the floor length mirrors on the wardrobe. I looked like me, or the me I was used to seeing. It had a strange effect. I was both happy and sad to see old Seb back.

As I looked at the reflection of myself, or the shell which encased me anyway, it seemed like nothing had happened, but I saw inside that shell. I saw the hard edge to my eyes and the colder look which was now there. I could smile all I wanted but it never went away. I wasn’t able to hide it myself, and wondered if I was fooling anyone else with my ‘everything is fine’ act. Probably not.

Maybe I would never get back to the way I was before, and maybe that wasn’t such a bad thing. Positive thinking was good, right? So maybe if I could grow through all this and find a new me, one who was stronger, more grown up and responsible, then would it really be so bad? Old Seb was nodding frantically inside me and it made me smile, the coldness in my eyes fading a little bit.

“Sebastian, lunch is ready.” Robert’s call made me stop losing myself in my reflection, and I gathered myself together and sprayed some aftershave as I walked from the room.

When I arrived in the kitchen, I found Robert tucking into his Caesar salad and I sat beside him, catching his attention in a way I hadn't since this whole shit storm happened. Old Seb had that silly grin on his face and I went with it and kissed him quickly.

“Smells good.”

“So do you,” Robert breathed out over my lips. “You look good too.”

“I forgot I bought these. Nice, aren’t they?” I ran my hand up his thigh and nibbled on his bottom lip, earning a little moan from him which made my stomach tighten and my chest grow tight. “I’ve missed that moan.”

Robert’s hand was working its way up my back as he kissed me again, but he pulled away with a sigh. “Come here.” He patted his knee and I slid onto it with a grin.

“I'm pretty sure this feeding thing is a fetish, you know.”

“Maybe it is, but who cares?”

With a shrug, I opened my mouth, letting him feed me some chicken and croutons. “Hmm, so good. Thank you.”

Since I’d come home, we’d shared intimate moments like this, but this was the first time there was that undercurrent of desire mixed with it. Being wrapped in his firm hold, his big body as my chair, the teasing movements as he slid the fork into my mouth, the feel of his tongue as it captured a tiny drop of dressing on my lips, it was turning us both on, and I eventually shifted closer, rubbing my thigh up against his cock, and took my turn to feed him some while he stared into my eyes. Sex was something we’d had so much of, and for three weeks we had none. It wasn’t like I’d been desperate for it, or Robert had been acting like he was starved of attention. It was a concern only because I worried those feeling would never come back. It was a relief to feel my body reacting to those familiar sensual touches.

“I’ve missed this,” I whispered against his neck before kissing it softly.

“Me too, but I always knew it would come back.” He brushed my hair back from my face, meeting my gaze and holding it. “You shouldn’t question if I want you, or worry I’ll go elsewhere for sex. It’s been three weeks. That’s no time at all, and even if it takes months, I’ll still be here waiting for you, helping you move on. There’s only you for me from now on, Seb, you know this. Nothing that’s happened has changed how I feel.”

I could tell he was hurt by my flippant remark earlier and I wrapped my arms around his neck, straddling his thighs and pressing my chest against his. “I know you wouldn’t, and I trust you. It feels like longer since we even shared a hot kiss.”

“Hmm, well, we have time.” Robert grinned at me and I chuckled before placing my lips on his and sliding them together.

It didn’t take long for my fingers to become fisted in his hair, holding his mouth to mine while we slid our tongues against the other’s, our bodies swaying and grinding in that familiar dance and heating up the passion in our kiss even more. When he grabbed my hips and pulled me down, lifting his hips so I could feel the hard ridge of his cock pressing against my arse more firmly, I moaned into his mouth, my fingers gripping his roots. The tight jeans I had on caused my cock to swell against the zipper and I itched to either stop and let things calm down, or to get it out and pull Robert’s head onto it. Surprisingly… I went for that second option.

“I need you.”

“I know.” Robert swiped away the plates, stray cutlery falling to the floor as he lifted me onto the table and began fumbling with my zipper.

“Robert…” I gasped as he tugged them to my thighs, my shorts quickly following. I watched in stunned excitement as he bent down and took my stiffening cock into his mouth, swirling and licking, tasting my precum before he took me further and worked the hot heat of his mouth over my length. “Oh fuck, that feels so good. Don’t stop.”

I was pretty sure I wouldn’t last, and the way Robert was sucking me I had no chance of holding off. My fingers were back in his hair, and I was rocking my hips into him, throwing my head back and moaning as he brought me higher and closer to the edge. “Robert!” I stilled, my body going taut, and then I came, shouting out his name as his continued to lick my sensitive head and swallow the cream I was shooting into his mouth.

Wrecked from my orgasm, I looked down at him through hooded lids and offered a sly smile. “I forgot how good you were with those sexy lips of yours.”

Robert rolled his eyes, a habit he’d obviously caught from me. “It’s been three weeks. Three!” He stood, the bulge between his legs showing me he needed a little attention himself.