Sebastian: The Complete Series (48 page)

“I'm right and you know it, so does he.” I threw my thumb backwards, pointing at Dominque. “You're part of Leo’s sick world.”

Robert appeared behind Jacob and moved to me as I stared into his eyes.

“You knew,” I stated quietly as he stood beside me. “You knew and didn’t tell me.”

“Baby, this isn't what you think it is.”

“How could you bring him into our house? How could you think I would be okay with this? Did you ever plan to tell me?”

“Seb, please.” He took me into his arms and rocked me.

“I need him to leave, Robert.”

“He helped save your life. He’s not here to hurt you.”

“No, your boy’s right.” Jacob was keeping his distance, which I was happy about, and despite the fact he’d now dropped the angry tone to his voice, he was still stern—controlled. Also, he called me boy. That just served to bug me further. “If he feels uncomfortable, then I should leave. It will only upset him further if I stayed and tried to discuss this right now, and that’s something I don’t want. We’ll show ourselves out.”

“Jay…” Robert drifted off, and I didn’t blame him. I wouldn’t have known what to say in his place either.

“It’s okay, Robert. I understand.”

I tried to ignore everyone, pressing my face into Robert’s shoulder and fisting my hands together tightly in his cardigan. I was afraid. So afraid I was shaking.

“Take care of him, Robert.” I stole a quick glace through my lashes at Jacob standing beside Dominque. His gaze met mine, and I became frozen in the moment. “I’m sorry, Sebastian. So very sorry.” Those beautiful eyes glistened heavily before he turned from me and I hid in Robert’s chest again. I was the bad guy. That much was obvious.

With that, I heard them leave and my gut told me I was being a huge prick about it too, but I still said nothing. I let them leave.

S
ulking helped. Not! The silent treatment I gave Robert after they'd left lasted for about two hours, at which point I left him and his understanding words to have a bath. That’s where I stayed until the water turned cold and I reluctantly got out. I found Robert on the bed, lying on his back and staring up at the ceiling vacantly. He’d already apologised and explained, tried to comfort me with how well he knew Jacob and how he trusted him, but at the time I'd been too selfish and caught up in my own fear to listen.

I stood at the foot of the bed, shivering in my damp towel, not sure if he even wanted me to be with him as I spoke slowly and quietly—barely a whisper, “All I know of what Jacob does is what Leo showed me.”

Robert turned to me and held out his hand. I dropped the towel from my hips and scooted up to him, his warmth and touch heating my shivering body. “I know, and I won't lie and say I totally understand his lifestyle, but what I do know is that I trust him and everything he does to Dominque, or to other men he’s been with, it’s all consensual.”

“Are you into this?”

“No. I accept this is how they live and what they enjoy, but it’s not something I want for us.”

“Did you ever do anything with the ex from hell?”

“No. I knew he got turned on by BDSM. We watched a couple of porn films. It wasn’t really my thing, but he… We never talked about it. I think it was his way of broaching the subject, but he could tell I wasn’t into it. That was it as far as I was concerned. Nothing about it ever came up again. Jacob knew him, not well, but he’d never hidden the fact he’s a Dominant from Leo. He said Leo never spoke to him about it either. He feels just as bad for missing this as I do, Seb.”

“Dominque was raped,” I whispered to him, almost afraid I should even say them out loud at all.

“I know, baby.”

“And you don’t think it’s strange he falls in love with someone who could abuse that trust and hurt him like Leo did?”

“Jacob adores Dominque. Trust me when I say this, he’s owned by Dominque, not the other way around.”

I sighed heavily. I knew I was being a child by fearing what I didn’t understand, and my stubbornness made me want to convince Robert I was right, but what would that accomplish? He’d lose his best friend, a person who he had to work with, and what about Dominque? He’d opened up to me, told me things he’d only ever spoken about to Jacob, and there I was, slapping him in the face as a thank you and calling his… his… whatever he was, an abuser. “I feel bad for hurting them both like I did.”

Robert kissed my forehead. “I thought you would when you'd had a chance to cool off and think.”

“I was afraid. I hate being like this. I hate fearing simple things which shouldn’t even register on my radar, and I hate that I feel I need to control everything around me. I jump every time I see a shadow. I can't sleep without the light on. I can't even pick up the phone when it rings. I think everyone has an ulterior motive to be around me.”

“Seb…” Robert lifted up on one elbow and stroked my hair from my face. “You're suffering from anxiety, post-traumatic stress from what happened. You're living in the moment, from minute to minute, too afraid to go forward or to look back. I’m not a psychologist, but I have a friend who is, and I’d like you to speak to him. I think it will really help. We could go together.”

“I'm not crazy.”

“I know, baby. I'm not saying you are. PTSD is common in people who’ve lived through something like you have. You're a survivor, and you're strong, but sometimes we need help getting back into the light, and I'm big enough to admit when I'm not the right man for the job. But Gabe, he’s good, baby. He’ll help us.”

“I’ll think about it, but only if we go together and we talk about everything with him as a couple. I don’t want to do this alone. I need you.”

“And I’ll be there with you all the way.”

“Okay,” I muttered into his chest. “I’ll speak to him. I don’t know if it will help, but I don’t want to live like this.”

“You won't. It’s not forever. We’ll sort this out together.”

So, I would officially be mental then? What a great moment in my life.

I had to think of it as a positive step. I had to do it. I wouldn’t let Leo win no matter what. That was my guiding light. I’d sorted out the physical scars he’d left on me, now it was time to strip that cunt from my insides.

You didn’t break me, prick. I’m still me, and I'm still going to kick your ass the next time I see you. I'm going to stand there in that court room and I'm going to put you inside for the rest of your life. Payback’s a bitch, and I'm the biggest bitch you’ll ever meet.

H
alloween came and went without much fuss. Usually my life centered around the little things, with having fun being my highest priority. I had fun in most things I did, but everything this year had been different. And so the holiday I loved the most, not counting Christmas of course, disappeared over the horizon with not so much as a trick or treat.

Robert and I continued on, some days passing by in a blur of activity, some in a haze of nothingness. There were a lot of good things which happened in the month I escaped the hospital, like our visit to my parents back home to collect my clothes. We planned a quick fly by visit, but it ended up being a full three days.

Once we arrived there, it was quite obvious I had a ton more shit to sort out, and hiding it, or forcing myself to not deal with it for any longer, wasn’t an option. I was sick of putting off sorting my life out. Being an ostrich wasn’t for me. I dealt with things head on—conflicts were my friend. I enjoyed them. I was a whirlwind of activity, keeping myself and Robert busy every hour we had. When I wasn’t sorting through my suitcases, discarding clothing and items which my old job clung to heavily, I was introducing Robert to other family members who’d heard I was back in town and called over for a flying visit.

I was angsty, and sitting still didn’t happen often in my hectic life, so with everything around me swirling like a tornado, I went with it. I felt like I was in the eye of the storm, only seeming calm while I spun around, not trying to hold on but going with the direction the wind took me. It took me a couple of days to realise it was me who was the tornado pulling everyone along with me for the ride, but once my dad sat me down and gave me one of his homemade drafts of beer, I knew shit just got serious.

It wasn’t often Dad ever did anything seriously, or spoke in sentences longer than a few words, so the fact we were alone and he had a look of uncommon determination in his eyes meant I shut up and sat still. Perhaps it had to come from him. His quiet nature and need to let my mum sort out most things in his life meant when he did speak up, people took notice. Nothing about him is long winded or drawn out. He’s straight to the point and calm, almost separate from the drama, seeing things as a bystander and not someone who was emotionally knee deep in shit.

“There’s a lot of ways to hide. By doing nothing, or by doing too much. You think you pulled your head out of the sand and see everything clearly, but all you did was find another pile of crap to put it into. You have both me and your mum inside you, and the head in the sand is my thing. The loony racing around and not giving yourself a moment to breathe and see what’s happening is your mum’s.” He gave me a warm smile.

“Neither are good, Seb. Just take a moment to be still. You can't run fast enough to get clear of the shit you're trying so hard to leave behind. No matter when or where you stop, they’ll be there. They're tied to the soles of your feet. They’re your shadow, and like a shadow, they can be strong or faint. It’s how you look at them, what you do to help carry them.”

That was that. No more words, no more looks, just the two of us sitting in silence drinking our beer and me staring at the ground—at my shadow—understanding what he’d forced me to see. I let his words roll over me, slowly came to the conclusion he was right. Running from something which I could never lose was pointless. Even through all my ‘I’m not running away or hiding’ speeches, no one had ever believed them. No one apart from me, that is.

That night, I lay in bed with Robert beside me, both of us making the small double bed seem like a super king with the void between us. I needed space, not from him, but somehow it always seemed to be him I pushed away first.
We hurt the ones we love the most
. How I understood that saying.

I’d never loved anyone like I did Robert, and I'd never hurt anyone like I'd hurt Robert before either. The two were tied together, and I was forever trying to unweave the intricate strings of my emotions.

Turning to him, watching him lay there, his soft brown eyes looking up at the ceiling, his gaze seeming to penetrate the plaster it was so deep, I moved closer, shifting my body up against his and linking our fingers together tightly. With my head on his chest and my legs coiling around his, I placed a soft kiss over one of his nipples. “After everything we’ve gone through, and knowing what’s to come, you and me must be as strong as marble to get through this and still be laid like this.”

Robert ran his other hand through my hair, leaning in to kiss the top of my head as he spoke softly to me. “You're right. We are strong, but we’re only this strong together.” He tightened his grip on my hand and I relaxed into his comforting hold.

He was right, again! We were only strong together. Apart, neither of us would be able to continue as we were. Before that night, before the hushed conversation we had under my Iron Man duvet with my parents sleeping next door to us, I didn’t see, or perhaps didn’t
want
to see, just how broken Robert was. He needed me like I needed him. Without me to lean on or worry over, he’d be a mess.

That night, I accepted we were both as reliant on the other. It wasn’t one-sided, and I wasn’t weak for craving it. It was how we were strong, and every time I pulled away, it caused cracks to appear. Cracks which Robert hurriedly filled, but there was a limit to how many times a stone can be broken and repaired before it eventually crumbled into dust, slipping like sand through our fingers.

There were enough people and issues pulling us apart, and I wouldn’t be one of them.

By the time we left Leeds, I was calmer and more in control—well, perhaps not, but I felt more at ease, let’s say, with letting go of my control.

“It takes more strength to kneel than it does to stand,” Dominque told me reverently over the phone that evening when we’d settled back into Robert’s house. “Letting go of the control you’ve known all your life, control which you're led to believe is what you should want, it’s difficult, but it’s also freeing at the same time. It’s knowing when you fall there are people around you who you can trust to catch you, to make the decisions you can't right then.”

We were now friends on Facebook, and after feeling so incredibly monster-like about treating him and Jacob so badly, I made amends quickly and we’d been chatting on and off over the weeks which had gone by. I had yet to talk to Jacob, but we’d connected on Facebook, and although we didn’t chat direct, I was now used to seeing him and Dominque’s friends commenting. Baby steps, as I kept reminding myself.

With Robert back at work full time and me catching up on my studies and fitting into the new university, I found out I fitted in okay down south. I had my BFF Harry and Leigh. We met up often just for chats or to have lunch in the city. I’d bought a car, a nice, new, shiny one, still small and compact, but it was fun to drive and I felt better knowing if I wanted to go anywhere I could. I didn’t have to depend on public transport, and let’s face it, me on the underground would only end in a disaster of epic proportion. I slammed a sat nav in it and just got on with my life. I sometimes drove for hours, just familiarising myself with the layout of my new home, driving into the city, checking out my new classes, making a few friends who were taking the same courses as me.

That’s how I ended up back at the house where Leo had taken me. I just drove around, not thinking where I was going until I arrived and pulled up outside it. It was such an average looking house, beautiful if not a bit run down and in need of some TLC. To look at it, no one would ever guess what took place in there. It was still sealed off with police tape, the door screwed and bolted shut, the windows boarded closed. It was the only clue which gave away what happened to me and to other men.

Sitting there with the engine off and my eyes glued to the front door, I worked through those horrifying moments where I realised what had happened to me, that I'd not been in a car crash, that I wasn’t in a hospital, that I was being held by a madman who’s sadistic nature demanded he hurt me so he could find enjoyment in it. Bit by bit, I worked my way through every fractured memory, every moment, every dream-like thought, and then I sat back and shut down. It wasn’t a conscious thought to do it, it just happened. One moment I was there and I knew what I was doing, the next I was a statue staring into space not aware of anything or anyone.

It was music which pulled me back, soft, barely there whispers of something slow and lyrical. As I drifted slowly back into the real world again, I found my hands clutching the steering wheel so tightly my knuckles had gone white. The engine was on and the car was warm and cosy, and… I didn’t understand why.

With a jerk, I reached for the door handle. Just knowing someone had invaded my space and I didn’t realise it was bad enough to cause me to panic again. When a shadow moved outside the door, I slammed my hand on the lock and threw myself backwards, looking up at the vision of Jacob. He totally owned the three piece suit he had on, a navy woollen coat was left open, sea green scarf blowing in the wind, his blond hair wavy and long, dancing about his face as he held both of his hands up in surrender and stepped back.

“I come in peace,” he spoke with a smile, a forced one obviously, but comforting in the fact it filled his cold green eyes with a little warmth.

Opening the window a smidgen, I leaned closer, feeling the harsh breeze hit my warm nose. “How did you find me and why?”

“Tracker.” Jacob pointed to the sat nav on my dash, pulling out the companion piece which Robert had when he left for work that morning. “He’s in surgery, he has been for hours. Things got complicated with his patient, but knowing you were here for so long worried him to the point of collapse. I’m sorry, but I'm the only person he trusted to come find you. Your friend… Harry?” Jacob paused for a moment and then rolled his eyes. “Yes, him. Robert couldn't reach him, so… here I am.” He held his arms wide and gave me another soft smile.

I eyed him up again, and then moved to his flashy, bright white Range Rover parked behind me. “How long have you been watching me?” He could’ve let me know he was there. He didn’t have to… “Have I been… you know, for long?”

Jacob folded his arms across his chest. “I arrived about an hour ago. You’ve been here for three according to Robert, but I have no idea if your catatonic state began then or mid-point.”

“Catatonic?” I huffed loudly. “Get in the car. It’s freezing.” I wound the window back up and watched him walk around to the passenger side, testing the door and finding it locked before bending down and lifting a brow at my pause. “Oh, yeah.” I unlocked the doors and he slid into the seat.

He loosed his collar then folded his hands in his lap, not looking at me, but letting us both settle down before I spoke.

“What’s wrong with me? And don’t say a lot, because I know I have issues, but… what the fuck
is
wrong with me?”

Jacob smiled as he turned to meet my gaze. “You were lost. I brought you back.”

The low music, the heat, the fact he’d left me alone and given me space while he watched over me from outside, he’d never wanted to cross my boundaries but he’d also allowed me to find my own way back. “Thank you.” I fiddled with my shirt cuff.

“I make you nervous, even though I try hard not to. I can't change what I am, but I can help you understand who I am if you give me that chance.”

“I'm not interested in your world.”

Jacob sighed. “My world and yours are the same, aren’t they? We’re both here, both existing in the same space, breathing the same air. I don’t come from an alternative universe, Sebastian. You are surrounded by people who are like me, like Dominque, you’ve just not really seen us before. Now you do, you fear what you don’t understand.”

“I don’t fear you.” I slammed my hard gaze to his and he grinned.

“I love your strength, your self-belief. Your attitude is warming.”

“Do you think if you did live through this, your attitude would survive, or would the memories of what you’ve gone through break you in half?”

The whole world seemed to shrink and I found my fingers scratching at the leather on the door so I could open it. Jacob and everything else became a whirling mess which I couldn't understand and needed to escape. I was caught in a vortex, clinging onto anything and everything I could, trying to remember how to breathe when my knees hit the tarmac and my forehead pressed against the cold door.

Jacob was beside me, hunched at my side, his calming voice offering words which I couldn't catch, his hand soothingly running over my back. Being enclosed by him, his body blocking out the world and the swirling mess it had become, made me look up to him, my hand catching the lapels of his coat as he wrapped his arms around me. “Breathe. In, hold it, then out.”