Sebastian: The Complete Series (45 page)

“Did you really think anyone would believe your story, whore?” He smirked at me, his blue eyes piercing into mine.

Okay, maybe seventy percent sure.

As he reached out and took hold of my shoulder, I became paralysed with fear, not able to move or speak. “I knew I would break you eventually.” His clammy touch worked down my chest, dragging the covers from my PJ-clad body.

“NO!” Fighting off the quilt from my legs, I found myself kneeling on the bed, my head in my hands and Robert hovering nearby, wanting to touch me but hesitant. Well, I had just experienced some sort of epileptic fit on the bed, so I couldn't blame him, really. “Sorry,” I mumbled out through my hands, not daring to look at him in case I made the situation worse, but instead peeking through the gaps in my fingers.

“Are you okay?” Robert slowly placed a hand on my shoulder, his brown eyes shining in the dim light. “You’ve been disturbed ever since you fell asleep a couple of hours ago.”

“Two hours ago?” That couldn't have been right because it felt like I'd been asleep for days, but looking at the clock, I found he was right. It was barely eleven.

“How about we put the TV on and have some hot chocolate?” Robert took me into his big arms and held me.

TV sounded good. “It’s not like I'm getting much sleep, so sure.”

After switching on a couple more lamps and the TV, Robert helped me settle back on the mound of pillows he’d propped up against the headboard and went downstairs. I sat there,
not
checking the clock every thirty seconds and looking at the door, trying to hear what he was doing and if everything was okay.

He’d left the door wide open, but it always slowly inched closed, leaving it half open and that gap in between the frame appeared and I found myself unable to look at it in case I saw a pair of eyes looking back at me again. I hadn't been able to stand a door being left open while I saw in the room since the night I was last laid in bed and saw someone looking back at me through the gap.

I was being paranoid, neurotic maybe. Perhaps it would continue to be with me and become a phobia. Which it was. I checked it out. It wasn’t as uncommon as I thought, but what bugged me the most were the reasons behind that fear and all the other anxiety disorders which could be triggered by my kidnapping. Anxieties I was showing signs of. I wasn’t as stupid as that condescending psychiatrist thought I was and since I’d had time to read up on this disorder before I was taken, I knew what to expect. The fact I was taken and hurt after this event only made things worse for me. I pulled out my phone and found the website which I’d been reading the very day I disappeared and read slowly through every word.

I didn’t like not knowing what was going on downstairs, and sitting worrying about my mental health whilst trying hard to not panic about the door reached a point where I had to leave the room. Even with all the alarms and the police reassuring me Leo was locked up and I was safe, it made no difference. Part of me thought Robert would never come back up. I had visions of him being taken away by an escaped Leo, or knocked out so Leo could come find me.

Leo was right. He had broken me. It made me so mad I fisted my hands together and swung my legs off the bed. I wasn’t going to be this person. I couldn't be this person. Walking stiffly to the door, I took the executive decision I wasn’t going to live in fear and I pulled my shoulders back and tottered downstairs.

Robert was in the kitchen, the hot chocolate on a tray and some toast with jam on it piled on a saucer. It hadn't even been ten minutes, so he was a little surprised to see me standing in my Spiderman PJ’s with a tired smile on my face. “Hey, Spidey. Did your spider senses tell you food was on the way?” He grinned at me as I gently slid my arse onto a stool.

“I needed a break from the bed. Besides… I was scared.” I laughed at myself. “I’ve decided I'm not going to be anymore though.”

“Oh.” Robert smirked as he slid over two slices of toast. “Fear is sometimes something we can't control, but wanting to try is the first step.”

“I was thinking, I need more control and reassurance about being safe, so I thought, and stop me if this sounds mental, but I thought I could check the house over before we go to bed, set the alarm, make sure we’re all secure.”

“I think that's a good idea. Hopefully it will help ease you a little.”

“I also want a huge baseball bat to sleep with.” I was
sort of
joking.

“Seb…” Robert was undecided if I was serious so I smirked at him before I took a bite. “We can get self-protection gear. A taser or something.”

I actually laughed. “You'd trust me with an electrical weapon?”

“For self-defence only. Not practical jokes.” He took a sip of his chocolate with a smirk. “Why not? You're feeling weak and fragile, so if it makes you feel more confident about protecting yourself, I think it’s a good thing.”

“Okay.” I was holding him to that tomorrow. “And I don’t want to take all those drugs anymore. I’d rather have discomfort than these dizzy spells and bad dreams.”

He leaned on the breakfast bar, playing with his toast. “They can cause some side effects, bad dreams and disturbed sleep included, but… It won't be just them and you know it.”

In my mind, a man who sounded super similar to the guy who introduced all those WWF wrestling stars into the ring appeared beside me, microphone against his lips, hand held high to quieten the crowds—yeah, there were crowds, okay! It’s my fantasy. “Ladies and Gentleman, the man you’ve all been waiting for… The. Voice. Of. Reason.” It echoed through the room, bouncing around while the crowds went wild.

“Sebastian?”

“Huh?” I blinked back into the room. “Oh, yeah, so… I know they won't stop completely, but it’s a start, right?”

“It is.” Robert held my hand as I munched through my slice of toast.

“Besides, it’s not like I'm going to have people around me all the time, is it?”

F
ive days later, and… I’d not been alone ONCE. That’s right. Not one moment day or night had I ever been alone, and when I say not one moment, include toilet times too.
That’s
how bad it was. I was used to doing my own thing, having time alone. You know, like to pee, for fuck’s sake. A man should be able to take a pee without his mum hovering outside, occasionally peeking through the open door to check everything was okay. I mean, hello!! I’m nineteen, twenty soon. Which reminded me, I had a month until my birthday and I wanted a huge party back in Leeds.

The only saving grace was that I slept tons through the day. I was worn out, so I only woke for short periods of time to eat and drink—oh, and to go pee with my mum watching like some toddler potty training—then I was back on the sofa, tea cup in hand, remote in the other, a book perched on my knee and my phone buzzing on the coffee table. I would start with the good intention to remain awake, and then, within half an hour, I was drifting off.

Everyone told me it was good to sleep and I would recover faster, but I still felt rude for falling asleep while I had visitors. By the fifth day, I was over the whole thing, and I’d not been outside for like two weeks by that point, so I began sitting outside in the back garden. The cool air and the harsh autumn sun kept me awake longer, and it was good to get out of those four walls.

It wasn’t like I needed to go places, and it wasn’t like I felt the overwhelming urge to do shit, it was just the fact I needed to know I
could
do those things if I wanted to. It was the actual wanting to which was taking time to get through my thick skull.

Physically, I was doing okay. I still had stitches in my thighs and ankles, and my wrists were sore and would probably be scarred for a long time from the cuff he had me tied up in for so long, but now I’d been on a healthy eating plan, and been drinking all sorts of vitamin shakes and taking iron tablets. My body was actually recovering well. I was bruised and battered, so no way would I venture outside looking like I’d gone three rounds with Mike Tyson, but at least I knew in a couple of more weeks I could. Again, if I
wanted
to.

I hadn’t done any thinking. I’d placed a ban on mental things which would wear me down, so chatting about moving in with Robert had sort of fallen to the side, as well as uni, but being an ostrich felt good. With my head in the sand, all I had to think about was what happened in the house. That was my world, and I was happy with it. People came to visit during the day, and then left me alone with Robert at night.

He’d been off work the whole time. Well, not totally. I was his one and only patient, and I won't lie and say it didn’t make me feel wanted. He doted on me, and so far that particular thing hadn’t worn thin. I was short with him, grumpy and irritated. He should have just told me to fuck off, but he didn’t. He just pulled me tighter to him and made the bad things go away.

It was the last day my dad could stay in London. Work needed him back and he was heading off in the afternoon. I’d already told him how I was going home as soon as I felt able to for a visit and I had to sort out my crap back there. Other people were running around after me and I should have put a stop to it, but what else could I do? I wasn’t able to move my stuff from the apartment me and Harry shared, so he’d done it all. Or should I say, some moving company he paid did it for us. It was all packed up in my dad’s garage, waiting to find its new home.

Why wasn’t I happy for Harry to ship it down here with his stuff? No idea. I just felt it should wait. It was almost like I’d vanished. Like I woke up one morning in Leeds and had a life and then poof! It was gone and I was with Robert in his house, in a city where I knew no one and didn’t know my way about. It was like I had no choice and even though I knew in my heart I wanted this, I also needed it to be my decision. I needed that control.

I wanted to be at home and call up Robert and say I'm ready.

Robert choose that point to sit down and hand me another cup of tea and some very heavily buttered cherry scones from the local bakery which I’d become addicted to, and by addicted, I mean I woke up at three a.m. to eat one. If I was a woman, I would have bought a pregnancy test. I actually
craved
cherries. Anything cherry flavoured, I wolfed down. I even sent my mum to the local twenty four hour supermarket at one in the morning so she could pick me up some of those super sweet glazed cocktail cherries, and bless her, she went. Aww, love my mum.

In between bites, I’d throw a sly look at Robert as he read the paper, coffee cup in one hand, scone in the other.

He caught me looking and smiled. “What’s up?”

“You know I don’t have to be here.”

Robert stopped chewing, a glassy eyed, confused look spreading over his face.

“What I meant was… this was all a mistake, you know. Me moving here, you being burdened looking after me.” I cleared my throat as I saw his eyes turn three shades darker. “What I'm trying to say is… don’t feel guilty for this not working out. Now everything’s back to nor—okay, not normal, but you know I'm safe. Well, you don’t have to feel bad for saying it’s over. I could go back to Leeds with my mum in a few days’ time and this will all seem like a bad dream.”

“A bad dream,” he said slowly, folding up his paper calmly, but his whole attitude sung WTF!

“You
had
to take me in, Robert, because you felt guilty over dragging me into this world. It’s over now.”

“Over,” he repeated as he slid his gaze to the bottom of the garden. “Is that what you want? To leave? Do you feel this is over between us?”

“Well, it’s not like anything is the same, is it?” I’d lost my appetite and I dusted off the crumbs from my fingers with a sigh. “All I do is cause you stress. Do you even see that? Do you see what’s going to happen in the next year? The press, the court case, the questions. Nothing stays private for long, and despite them saying they keep the victim out of the papers, you and I know it won't stay like that, and even if I don’t get named, you will. This isn’t over.”

Robert ran both hands through his hair, and then rubbed his unshaven chin while he considered my words. “First of all, if you're with me or not, I’d still be in the same place.” He passed over the folded paper which I took with a lifted brow. I don’t read the news, and to be honest, I knew it would be filled with shit about the fucktard who took me, so I’d left them alone. “Middle pages,” he stated gruffly.

I slid my finger in the middle of the newspaper and opened it up. Well, shit! There was a picture of Robert and Leo from a couple of years ago and their full history. I scanned it quickly, noticing the reporter had come to the conclusion Mr Barrett must have been incredibly blind or took part in the kidnappings as he couldn't see how anyone who lived twenty four seven with someone couldn't know about Leo’s tastes.

“That lying fucker! You should sue. That’s slander or whatever the fuck they call it, or… He’s just talking out of his arse, Robert. No one who knows you will believe this shit.”

“I hope not.” He smiled as he took it from me.

“You have alibis for all these times. That’s why he had the chance to do this shit, because you were busy. I feel like calling them up and telling them where to go. To hell!”

“Look, I only showed you that because if you believe leaving me will stop things like this, you're wrong. It won't change anything. It’s happening right now, Seb, and I'm still here, still in love with you. That won't change.”

Frustrated with life in general, I stood up, pushing my hair from my face and looking up at the clouds.

Robert followed me, standing behind me, not touching, but his presence was felt. “How many times do I have to tell you I want this? That I want you?”

“You were forced into this. You had no choice.”

“I was
never
forced into anything.” Robert took hold of my elbow and turned me to face him, that angry, sexy look making me breathe faster. “I’ve always wanted you.”

“Physically.”

“Yes, physically, but that’s not all and you know it. I want to be here. Okay, yes, if I could take all this other shit away and still have met you and know we’d be right here, then yeah, I'd take that and be happy with it, but I don’t have that option, no one does. And so here we are. I don’t feel forced, but I'm getting the impression perhaps you do.”

Well, yes. In a way I did. I felt like I had no choice, but I didn’t say anything.

“If you went home with your mum, moved back in with her, back with everyone and everything you’ve always known, what would you think about lying in bed alone that first night?”

A smile made it onto my face and I wrapped my arms around his neck. “I’d miss having you so close to me and be wondering why the fuck I’d been so stupid and gone home when I knew I should be right here.”

Robert breathed out long and slow, then dipped his head and caught my lips in a smouldering kiss. When he pulled back, I was a bit glassy-eyed and out of breath. “Is that all you need? To go back only to know this is where you want to be? Is it simply you making that choice?”

“I feel like I'm running away. Like I never got the chance to do the whole goodbye thing and introduce you to everyone. And yes… the choice thing, that’s what my warped mind was thinking of doing.”

Robert kissed me again, this time slow and tender, so softly, keeping his lips against mine when he next spoke. “We can do that. We can go back, move all your things, do the goodbye thingy, have nights out, dinner with your grandparents—whatever you want. Remember, you're not moving to the moon, though I know that's what this may feel like right now, but you're only a few hours away. There’s nothing stopping you from going back home anytime you feel the need. You can drive, or there’s the train. You have money. You're not reliant on me to live. You're not using me and I'm not paying to keep you. You're not a prisoner here…” He drifted off, obviously realising his HUGE error.

I kissed him, not wanting to see that hurt look on his face. The poor guy was walking around on egg shells… again. “I know I'm not, and I don’t feel like that at all. I'm here because I want to be. I just… all of this, it’s all so…Okay, sudden isn't the word I'm looking for because it’s not sudden. We’ve know each other for longer than I've ever been with a boyfriend, or friend for that matter.” I grinned at him. “Most people get tired real quick of me being around, but you, you and Harry, you’ve put up with my crazy shit for ages.”

“I never want to be without your crazy shit, Seb. Before you, I was just waiting… waiting for you. Even though I didn’t know you, I knew inside what I wanted, and now I have you, I'm pretty much ready to do anything and everything to keep you with me. I just want you to want to be here. I want you to choose me, choose us, this life. If I have to let you go to accomplish that, then I'm ready for that too.” He kissed me once more before wrapping both his arms around me. “Baby, we can go back to Leeds together or I can wave you off on the platform at the train station. Whatever you choose, I'm okay with.”

“Why would you be okay just waving me and my mum off in a few days?” That stung a little, even though I was the one forcing him down this path.

“Because I can't cage you up and expect you to trust me, or trust this whole situation. Only you can do that. I can tell you how I feel and what I see for us, how I want things to go, but that all means shit if you don’t believe you would have chosen this life with me. Any doubt you have, I want gone, and setting you free is practically the only option I have left.”

“I don’t know if I want to be set free.” I pulled back and looked into his eyes.

“That’s the problem, Seb. Right now, maybe ever since you got in this house, you haven't known if you really want this or if it’s just the
only
option.”

“That's not how I feel. I love you.”

“I know,” he whispered before kissing me. “Love is easy. It’s everything else which is hard work. Love isn’t everything.”

My mind went blank for a moment and I stepped back, folding my arms across my chest as I stared at the grass beneath our feet. “Why can't it be everything?”

“If it were, we wouldn’t be having this conversation right now.”

“This isn't about love.”

“I know that, Seb. I said everything else.”

“And by everything else?”

“This!” He threw his arms in the air. “Life. The rest of the world. Fuck, just you and me, how we feel for each other, that’s fucking easy, but it’s never going to be just me and you.”