She's Asking for It! (3 page)

It is this notion – the conscious objectification of self – that can make almost any woman feel a rush of animal-like sexual magnetism. In taking control of her sexuality by allowing herself to use it as a tool, by wanting to appear more feminine and beautiful, she is also feeling more powerful.

I know it sounds weird. And I realize that it might be a confusing idea to men, who walk into a store, pull a pair of pants or a shirt in their size off the rack, pay for it and leave without a second thought. Despite all the modern feminist rhetoric and philosophy, most women are still taught as they grow up that their strength and power is in their beauty. When she puts all this effort into looking and feeling sexy, she expects to be noticed. She wants not only a passing “You look great!” but also the real primal attraction that results when her beauty overwhelms you. She wants to feel so beautiful that you can’t take your eyes off her, keep your hands off her, let go or stop yourself from completely enrapture her, body and soul.

I could continue for days, explaining the many reasons that she wants this for the both of you, but the truth is, there is only one reason that matters: the desire to lose yourself in the one you love is a perfectly normal impulse for everyone, male or female, especially in this go-go-go world of constant stress. Most men don’t come anywhere near realizing this impulse to be dominated in themselves because they tend to be stopped by the fear of seeming weak – something else that has been drilled into you since you were little.

However, it really is a perfectly natural thing. Just as sometimes she likes to get on top, ride you like a bronco and call all the shots – and isn’t this an ultimate fantasy of so many men, to have their woman take the initiatory role once in a while? – so, too, does she sometimes want you to show her that you can be the boss of your bedroom. No one is saying you need to be a 24/7 hard, resolute face of strength. You can take turns, if that’s what you both want! Relationships are about light and dark, contrast and color. To be successful in love, you need to explore these heights and depths and leave the mundane, boring world of the daily living far behind.

The Chase

Unless your relationship is severely dysfunctional, your woman is with you because at some point, and on some level neither of you might even be aware of, you exuded this alpha male quality. She made a commitment to you because she believed you were a strong, stable partner able to take care of yourself – and her if the situation demanded it. Sure, she still believes that she can take care of herself, and she may often spend time taking care of you too. No matter how consistently you are an alpha male in your career and maybe even in your day-to-day home life, there remains the possibility that sometimes it simply doesn’t translate over to the bedroom as effectively as your woman would like.

A woman doesn’t just want to feel loved, though that is often the message that mainstream media tries to feed us. Women want to feel desired so deeply that it burns. They want to be chased, pursued, hunted and captured like something prized and precious, both savored like a fine wine and devoured like a steak dinner placed in front of a man who hasn’t eaten in days. This chase, this dance of love and lust, is all about proving to her that she is wanted to such extremes that you will sniff her out to the end of the earth. And it isn’t always easy!

Somewhere She Can’t Go Alone

Part of giving her this feeling of being completely and utterly desirable is going to involve planning. She wants some sort of proof that you have been devising ways to give and take pleasure in her body all day long while you have been forced apart by mundane reality. She wants to know that you burn for her.

She can do everything in her power to make herself feel beautiful, to primp and preen, to create that air of mystery and that burning lust in her own loins, but she absolutely cannot feel the heat of the chase and the inexplicable rush of being wanted unless you show her. She can be the strongest, most independent woman in the world, but this is one place she just can’t go alone.

Everybody Wins

Taking the time to test your sexual control is not only healthy, but also essential to keep a solid sexual relationship exciting and fresh! You may have already done this on a more subtle level, by taking the typical male role of initiator and keeping a regular repertoire of male-dominant positions. Now your woman wants you to kick it up a notch. It’s time to take things to the next level, and that’s what we’re here to talk about today.

Chapter Three - Assertive, Not Aggressive

First it’s important to be clear what we mean when we talk about the leadership qualities of the alpha male. When you think about being an “alpha male” you may picture the type of guy who is aloof, uncaring and the exact opposite of a “nice guy” in every way possible. While it may be somewhere in your lady’s fantasy for you to play this kind of a role, in no way should you take this advice as a suggestion to throw away all the parts of yourself that she fell in love with in the first place!

So what exactly is sexual assertiveness all about, and more importantly, what
isn’t
it? Right off the bat let me assure you that it has absolutely
nothing
to do with physical abuse. Not one single thing. Nor is it about being an asshole. Instead, it is about taking over an element of control and simply allowing yourself to call more of the shots in the bedroom.

Within that framework there is a lot of room for interpretation. It can mean anything from simply being the one who initiates sex, to telling your partner exactly what you want to do to her or what you want her to do to you moment by moment. It can include spanking, biting and hair-pulling, scratching and all elements of roughness. It is all a matter of degrees and what you choose to engage in all depends on what you (as a couple) are comfortable doing. Not everyone has to swing from the chandeliers!

Assertive comes in all kinds of flavors, so let’s explore a few of the primary archetypal categories into which an alpha male can fall.

The Jerk

“The Jerk” isn’t really assertive at all, but aggressive. He is rude and deprecating, demanding and unrelenting. The jerk doesn’t really care about anyone but himself and it shows. This is the type of “bad boy” that mothers warn their daughters about, the type of guy who is always late (or doesn’t show up at all), who forgets important dates, who talks down to others and generally treats people like they are worthless. This is
not
the type of man your woman wants you to be.

The Rebel

This kind of personality is both dominant and seductive, the type of guy that women should look for when they really want a “bad boy” because while the rebel certainly likes to break rules and taboos, he wants to do it with his best girl at his side. This kind of guy is great for a woman who is perhaps a bit shy about her sexuality and needs that little extra push to become the naughty hottie she so desires to be. Don’t be afraid to color outside the lines, but don’t go too far too fast!

The Explorer

Another dominant and seductive personality, this kind of man is less of a “bad boy” and more of an adventurer, the kind of person who has all kinds of ideas for the amazing and exciting things he wants to do and can’t wait to lead his woman along the crazy path he has carved in his brain. The Explorer knows exactly what kind of sexual avenues he wants to explore and is eager to show his partner how to make the experience most pleasurable for you both. She will follow you anywhere if you can exude enough confidence to allow her to feel safe doing it!

The Teacher

Still dominant, but more of a provider than a seducer, the teacher takes on a bit of an authority figure role but in a way that allows him to give his woman exactly what she wants, showing her new ways to experience the ecstasy she loves. This is in many ways similar to the Explorer archetype, but here under the dominant demeanor, your woman is really calling the shots about the types of fun and games you want to try. If she has no idea where she wants to go, a teacher needs to come up with the type of sexual curriculum he thinks will help them both. The woman who enjoys this kind of personality is typically accustomed to men who bow down at her feet. She doesn’t want this from you – she wants a man who can give her structure, discipline and order in some or all aspects of her life.

The Giver

The giver is a dominant man, but another provider, as is obvious by the name. He wants to top his lady because it’s what
she
really wants. This can be a fine line to walk and can actually be the most difficult archetype to embody. The Giver tends to be a stable personality, the type of guy who has an alpha male personality already at work, which allows him to enjoy the finer things in life and provide them to his family and friends as well. But having a big paycheck and a fancy car is not going to help you when you get to the bedroom. (Of course, it will make it easier to indulge in those special things that set the scene – wine, flowers, sexy lingerie – romantic things may seem outside of the idea of what an “alpha male” does, but I assure you they are not! Alpha males can undoubtedly be romantic. Roses do have thorns, after all.)

These archetypes do have commonalities: confidence, care, control. Men who can embody the alpha male know what they want and don’t hesitate to get it. Stop hesitating!

Just remember, no matter what flavor of assertive suits you best, it isn’t anything bad or weird. All safe, consensual sexual activity centers on the powerful dynamic that exists between you and your partner. To experiment with sexual assertiveness is a perfectly natural thing to do, as it shows you are observing the boundaries of that dynamic and wanting to explore all the possibilities of sexual pleasure. Once you come to terms with this dynamic, your next step is to overcome any shyness you have, or any fear you have of being assertive, and to go ahead and come out of that shell and show your lady you’re all man!

Chapter Four - The Shy Guy Problem

So by now you should understand what it means to be an alpha male and what about that kind of personality gets your woman all hot and bothered. You might even have a good idea from our brief discussion earlier what archetype would fit your personality best. So how do you get there?

Let’s deal with the very first problem that typically arises – shyness. It sounds weird, right? Who would have thought that after all the time you and your partner have spent together, you might feel shy during sex? Well don’t fret over it too much. It is perfectly normal to feel a little shy when it comes to sex and there are many reasons why it might be happening:

• You might not love the way your body is looking right now
  
• You’ve been feeling disconnected with your wife or girlfriend
  
• You’re not very sexually experienced
  
• You had a some recent equipment malfunctions and are terrified that it will happen again
  
• Something embarrassing happened the last time you had sex and you’re still mortified about it
  
• It’s been a while since you two have gotten it on and you just can’t seem to find your groove
  
• You’re distracted by work stress, relationship tension, social anxieties or some other “real-world” conundrum
  
• You really want to have sex, but you’re just not getting the “please jump me” vibe from your better half