Shiver (13 page)

He’d asked nicely, but there was a tiny edge to his voice, like he wasn’t quite sure how to act either.

“I’m happy. I feel good. I have a great sponsor through NA. A woman about my age, and she has just been lovely in giving me strength and independence. I really… I really feel like I’m on the right track. I can do this and I want to do this.”

She nodded quietly to herself, and I couldn’t imagine the strength and humility it took to lay her vulnerabilities out there so honestly.

When Ethan didn’t say anything, I interceded. “I think that sounds great, Susan. I’m so happy for you. I think what you’re doing is very admirable.”

“Thank you, dear. But I don’t feel admirable when I look back on the decisions I’ve made that have been nothing but a detriment to my life and those around me.”

There was a long moment of quiet after that.

“But,” she said, “we all have to start somewhere, and for the first time in a very long time, I’m feeling good about myself and where I’m going. I can’t linger on my past anymore. All I can hope…” She stopped and took a long breath.

Ethan cleared his throat. “What’s that?”

“I hope you can forgive me, Ethan. I know I don’t deserve it. I know I haven’t earned it. Yet. But I will,” she said resolutely. “Your father is not an easy man. We know this; it’s not news. But that’s no excuse for my part in our family falling apart. I forced you to grow up too fast. To see things you never should have seen. I wish I could go back in time, but I can’t. I just… I can’t.” She sighed long and loud, head down.

Ethan stood and stuffed his hand in his jeans pockets. He made no eye contact. “I get it, Mom. I really do. I just… will you all be all right if I take a walk alone for a few minutes?”

He walked out with no further discussion. If I hadn’t kind of understood, I’d have kicked him in the nuts for leaving me just then.

Susan and I were left staring at each other. “Be patient with him.” She smiled.

I raised my eyebrows and laughed with little humor. “Which part of him?”

She chuckled, her eyes twinkling, which was the first time I’d seen that sort of light since we’d arrived.

“There are probably a lot of things you should look out for.” She smiled sadly. “I missed a lot of Ethan’s childhood. In fact, he never had much of one. At this point, you know him better than I do. But pure time can never be trumped, I don’t think, so maybe just listen to me on this. Ethan’s personality as a baby was strong and stubborn. And he always needed extra time to process. I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s a trait that has followed him through his entire life. I haven’t earned the right to give advice when it comes to my son. And it’s a fact I will regret forever. But I can see the love between you two…” She held up her hand when I started to interrupt. “It doesn’t matter what you call it. That boy would never have brought you here if he didn’t love you and consider you someone significant. And there’s a comfort level between you that most people never get to. I certainly didn’t with his father. We were never comfortable together.” She flashed a wry smile. “Red flag, right?”

I refrained from commenting but smiled back at her, enjoying her ability to joke about it.

“But one thing I want to warn you about is that the man you know who seems so strong and self-assured… he’s very sensitive. He hides it behind his independent nature. His defense mechanism for all the times I wasn’t there for him, or hurt him in any way, was to shut down. Push people away. He would just handle things on his own and retreat within himself. I tell you this because I want you to understand that if he does that to you, don’t let him get away with it. I did. I let him push away until there was so much space between us…” She sighed and shook her head.

“May I ask a personal question?” I said carefully.

“Of course.”

“When you say ‘hurt him,’ did you hurt him… physically?”

She shook her head no. “But emotional pain can be so much worse, especially to a boy like Ethan. Sometimes I think actual physical pain would have been easier for him to understand or act out against. I was too selfish to consider him most of the time.”

“Thank you,” I said quietly.

“For what?”

“Well, for one, for enlightening me a little about him. You’re right. He seems so… so capable most of the time. But also, I know you made mistakes and you’ve paid for them. Thank you for taking steps to get better. You’re so hard on yourself for Ethan’s childhood, but at some point you must have been there for him and instilled something positive. He’s a really good man. Really good. There aren’t many like him.”

The moment was broken as the front door opened and shut. Ethan walked in and lowered himself to the couch beside me, brushing my hand with his fingertips.

“Sorry I ditched you,” he whispered softly. “I just needed a minute.”

“It’s fine, really.”

“Fine?”

I laughed. “No, like really fine. Your mom and I had a really nice talk.”

Susan nodded in agreement and stood. “You have a lovely girl there, Ethan. You ought to keep her around.”

He smiled the first real smile I’d seen since we arrived. “I’m thinking about it.”

I squeezed his finger in mine. Hard.

“Why don’t you two go for a walk around the island? I’ll finish making dinner, and we can eat when you get back. I have the guest room all made up for you.”

“Oh, Mom, we were just going to get a hotel room off the island.”

“Nonsense. You’re only here for two nights. I’d like to spend as much time with Lissa as I can.” She smiled.

“Oh, I see how it is,” he scoffed.

“Now, go show your girl around, and you can make fun of all the ugly houses that have popped up.”

We laughed and thanked her as we walked out, hand in hand. Turning left onto the sidewalk, I saw the water in front of us at the end of the street. We crossed the boardwalk, carefully looking both ways to avoid dog-walkers and couples out on rollerblades. I climbed over the concrete wall and kicked my shoes off to jump into the warm sand. Ethan did the same, and we both breathed in the warm, salty air.

“We can leave our shoes here and walk down the beach a little,” Ethan offered.

“Sounds good to me.”

We set our shoes together and walked to where the water was gently lapping at the shore. It was pretty quiet as evening fell on us. I saw some people paddling in canoes or standing on paddleboards. I dipped my toes in the chilly water and leaned over to roll my jeans up to my knees so I could wade out a little farther.

“Have you been in the ocean much?” he asked, watching me.

“I’ve been out to California a couple of times. Mostly San Diego. And we used to go to Galveston some when I was a kid. I was usually too busy riding to want to do many family vacations. Which is dumb in hindsight.”

“Yeah, I did a lot of dumb things in hindsight.” He chuckled, leaning over to roll his jeans up as well.

I totally checked out his ass. It was fantastic and I couldn’t help but cop a feel. He stretched to his full height, looking down at me and wrapping his arms around my lower back, pulling me close. I stretched up on my toes to wind my arms around his neck, tugging him down. He kissed me, slowly and sensually. The outside world faded away as my eyes fluttered shut, his lips barely brushing over mine. My breath caught when he deepened our kiss, and I melted into him. His hands ran up my back to cradle my face and held me while his lips continued their assault on mine. His teeth nipped my lower lip, and I groaned in appreciation. Before things could go further, he pulled back and rested his forehead against mine.

“It’s hard to remember we’re in public,” he muttered.

I giggled and kissed his cheek. “Come on. Show me around.”

We walked along the shoreline, ducking under the boat docks that ran out from each house. He pointed out some older houses and was appalled at some of the newer structures. After a few blocks, we turned to go back for our shoes so we could walk the whole boardwalk around the island. He explained that it was actually two islands, one larger than the other with a bridge connecting them. The small island was only houses, while the larger one that we were on had all the shops on the main street, and on the back side, a ferry that would take you across the bay to the peninsula that stretched to the ocean. I was promised a ferry ride and some shopping for tomorrow.

As the sun started to set, we arrived back at the cottage. Ethan grabbed our bags from the rental car and we headed inside, leaving our sandy shoes at the door. The delicious aroma of tomatoes and onions and garlic greeted us, and I was suddenly starving.

“Lasagna is ready,” Susan said cheerfully. “How was your walk?”

“It was lovely, thank you,” I said. “Wow, it smells amazing in here.”

“Yeah, Mom. I can’t believe you made lasagna. You didn’t need to go to all that trouble.”

“Oh please!” She waved us off. “I picked it up from the Italian cafe on Main Street and put it in the oven. They do a better job than I ever could. I did make a salad though.”

Ethan laughed and looked to me. “This is a good thing. My mom was never the greatest cook.”

Susan smiled sheepishly. “It’s true.”

We sat and enjoyed a casual but delicious dinner at the kitchen table. The conversation I would have described as surface. No deep discussions or talks of the past. It could have been a pleasant dinner between business colleagues. But it was friendly, and from what I was gathering, a step in the right direction.

I made sure Susan sat, despite her protests, and continued to chat with her son while I cleaned up the kitchen. Once the dishes were done and the counter was wiped clean, she bid us a good night and retired to her room. A wave of exhaustion hit me as well as I thought back to the entire day. I couldn’t imagine how Ethan felt. I took him by the hand and led him to the guest bedroom.

“Happy?” I asked.

He nodded slowly. “I am. She looks good. Healthier. It seems like she feels good too. I’m happy for her.”

“Me too.”

He sat on the edge of the bed and pulled me over to straddle his lap.

I giggled and gave him a peck on the lips. “We have to be respectful in your mother’s house.”

He snorted. “No we do not.” He grasped my hips and tugged me closer to him. I pushed at his chest until he fell back onto the bed, then hopped up quickly, heading toward the adjoining bathroom. “I need a shower, badly.”

“I can help with that,” he said, tempting me.

I winked at him. “Stay there mister,” I said as I shut the door behind me.

When I came out a few minutes later wrapped in a towel, he was lying in the exact same position as I had left him.

“Are you asleep?” I whispered loudly.

His response was a loud groan as he rolled over and pushed himself off the bed. “I should be.” He yawned. “I should either be asleep or inside you. If I can’t do that, then I may as well shower myself.” As he was talking, he was unbuttoning his slate-gray shirt, shrugging it off his shoulders, sliding out of his jeans, and leaving it all in a pile. I watched, mouth watering at the sight of his lean muscles and… everything. He winked at me as he caught my stare. “Stay right there. We can’t be disrespectful of my mother, now.”

I rolled my eyes at him and dropped my towel in retaliation, bending to pull a shirt from my bag.

“That wasn’t fair,” I heard him say as the bathroom door shut.

I chuckled at our antics while I pulled my shirt over my head and slipped some boxers on before crawling under the covers. I snuggled into the pillow and listened to the steady beat of water from the shower, knowing I wouldn’t fall asleep until Ethan was next to me. It’d become kind of a thing. I could never fall asleep if he wasn’t in bed yet. I wondered if that was good or bad.

My eyes were closed when I felt Ethan slide in behind me, naked. His arm curled around me to rest on my stomach.

“Why are you wearing clothes?” he muttered into my hair.

I nudged him with my elbow. “I thought it was appropriate to wear pajamas in your mom’s house. I guess we don’t always think the same,” I said wryly.

“It’s not like she’s going to come in here.” He laughed and tugged on my shirt. “Take it off. You’ll be uncomfortable all night.”

“No! You’ll take advantage of me.”

“You love when I take advantage of you.”

That was true. But before I could respond, he flipped me over onto my back and pulled me up into a sitting position. He pulled my shirt up and over my head and I tried to hide my smile behind a disgruntled face, but it wasn’t really working. With a hand on my chest, he pushed me back down, then trailed his fingers down to my boxer shorts, which were really his boxer shorts.

“Ethan, I will die of embarrassment if your mom hears us,” I said sternly, albeit breathlessly.

His eyes were filled with lust and humor as he looked into mine. “Well then…” He lowered himself to kiss my neck, right in that spot that made all of my halfhearted defenses crumble. “You’ll just have to see how quiet you can be.”

His lips started a path downward, nipping at my collarbone, leaving no part of me untouched. His teeth grazed my hipbone and my whole body tightened in anticipation.

“Shhhh,” he whispered.

I hadn’t even realized I’d made a noise.

He hooked his fingers in the waistband of my shorts, and I lifted my hips so he could slide them down and toss them away. His mouth continued its journey of mapping my entire body, teasing and tasting and bringing me to ecstasy. When it became impossible to stay silent any longer, I gave up and grabbed a pillow to cover my face and muffle my gasps and cries.

I was completely boneless by the time he kissed back up my body and settled himself between my legs, moving into me. I sighed and closed my eyes.

I felt Ethan start to shake in laughter over me, and I opened my eyes.

“I swear, if you fall asleep on me, I’m never doing that again.”

I laughed and pinched his side. “I wasn’t falling asleep! I was content. Replete.” I sighed again. “Satisfied.”

He gave me a hard kiss and a cocky smile. “I get it, word nerd. Now let me see if I can work you up all over again.”