Signs of Love (28 page)

He took a bite of the scrambled eggs and seemed to take the time while he chewed to consider his response. "We never lost our life with you and Caden moving in here. You have been the perfect house guests, and I know Genevieve has loved having Caden around to play with. We're in no rush to have you leave. Are you sure you're in a good place financially to do this? I think I speak for Beth too when I say that we don't want you to feel you need to rush to leave us." Daniel paused then said, "Have you talked to Justin about this?"

Alana dropped her gaze to the pan and pushed the scrambled eggs around. "I'm not sure why I would have. Yesterday was the first time I'd heard from him since last Saturday. I'm sure he has a lot going on. He doesn't need me talking to him about stuff like this."

She felt an arm around her waist and knew without glancing over that it was Beth.

"What Daniel said is exactly right." After giving Alana a quick squeeze, Beth went to stand beside her husband. "Having you here hasn't inconvenienced us at all. If anything, it's been a good thing. We're probably learning sign language faster than we would have since Caden being here helps us too."

Alana dished up a plate for Beth, keeping her gaze on the food. "I just feel like you've done so much for us already. I'm not used to relying on people."

When neither of them replied, Alana looked up to find them both watching her. Beth smiled. "We know you like your independence. We're not asking you to give that up, just give it a little more time before you go back out on your own."

She clutched the spatula. "Will you at least let me pay something as rent while we stay here?"

The couple exchanged glances before Daniel said, "Let us talk about that and get back to you. Deal?"

Alana hesitated then nodded. "And please, if our being here creates any kind of problem, just let me know. I value our friendship way too much to want to overstay our welcome."

"We'll let you know," Daniel assured her.

"There's just one other thing..." Beth's voice trailed off as Daniel cleared his throat. She glanced at her husband who gave her a small shake of his head.

Alana watched as the couple seemed to have a whole conversation without saying a word. Finally, Daniel shrugged and went back to his breakfast.

Beth looked at her and said, "The other thing is Justin."

Alana had figured as much, but she didn't say anything as she waited for Beth to continue.

"I don't want to get in the middle of things between you and Justin." Daniel choked on a cough and Beth turned to glare at him. "I really don't, so all I'll say is to be patient with Justin. I love my brother to death, but I'm not unaware of his failings. Just...yeah, have a little patience with him."

Alana nodded but didn't say anything.  At this point, she had no idea what was going on with the man. After the previous date at the movies and then finding him still there the next morning, she'd had high hopes for things between them. That was before the week of silence had gone down. Now she wasn't so sure, even after receiving his texts the night before.

As she rinsed off her and Caden's plates and slid them into the dishwasher, Alana said, "Caden and I won't be home for most the afternoon. He has a playdate at Peter's after church."

"That sounds like fun," Beth said with a smile at Caden. "We'll be going to Daniel's mom's to pick up Genevieve, so I guess we'll see you later this afternoon."

After the kitchen had been cleaned up, Alana went to finish getting herself and Caden ready and then left with Beth and Daniel for the service. It wasn't her Sunday to sign for the service, but they still sat near the front so that Caden could follow the person who was signing. When it was over, they went to meet Peter's family at the pre-arranged place.

"Thanks so much for allowing Caden to come play with Peter this afternoon," Suzanne said. "Are you sure you don't want to come as well?"

"Thank you for the invitation, but I have a few things I need to take care of. I'll be by to pick him up around four. Is that still okay?"

"That's perfect."

After giving Caden a few last-minute instructions, she watched him walk away, her hands clutching the handles of her bag. It was hard to let him out of her sight, but she knew Peter's parents would take good care of him. He always had so much fun with Peter, and he deserved that.

Standing out of the way of the people walking out the doors of the church, Alana kept her gaze on Caden until she saw him get into the car. She took a deep breath and let it out, picking up a familiar scent when she did. Not wanting to look like an idiot by sniffing the air to find the man who smelled like Justin, she joined a group of people leaving the building.

Outside in the warm air, she paused and tried to decide what to do. Moving slowly toward where the bus stop was, Alana decided she'd get something to eat first and then go to a park and spend the afternoon alone working through some things. Though she loved Caden dearly, there were times when she needed to be able to deal with her thoughts and feelings without him getting upset.

"Can I give you a ride somewhere?"

So she hadn't imagined the scent that had grabbed her attention in the foyer. Turning slowly, she found Justin standing behind her, hands in his pockets. Seeing him again reminded her why she'd agreed to spend time with him the previous week.

"I'm just going to get something to eat and then I plan to spend some time at a park." Alana wasn't sure why she'd told him all that, although she was kind of curious to see what he'd do with the information.

"May I join you?" His expression remained granite hard, but there was a flicker of something in his eyes. Uncertainty? Vulnerability? Hope?

"Sure." No matter how mixed up she felt inside about the past week, Alana just couldn't deny herself the pleasure of being with him.

His expression seemed to momentarily show relief. "My truck is parked over there."

She felt his hand at her back as he guided her toward it.  Not surprisingly, they walked in silence. As they approached the truck, the doors unlocked and he reached out to open the passenger one for her. She put her bag on the floor of the truck and then slid up onto the seat.

While she waited for him to come around to slide behind the wheel, Alana inhaled the scent of his cologne. It did funny things to her stomach, and she knew that for the rest of her days, this particular scent would forever bring Justin to mind whether he was still in her life or not.

"Were you going anywhere in particular to eat?" Justin asked as he started the truck.

"I was just going to find a place that had salads and sandwiches. Something I could eat at the park without too much hassle."

Justin gave a quick nod of his head and maneuvered the truck from its parking space and out onto the road. The silence hung heavy between them, but Alana had no idea what to say to break it. He was a hard man to read, although if she had to guess, she would say he might be thinking she was upset with him. Maybe another woman would have been. The underlying message that had been running through her mind all week had been that his work was important. More important than her. She'd never had anyone give her precedence over something like a job...or basically anything. There was no reason to think Justin would be different.

It wasn't long before they pulled into the parking lot of a restaurant. As he got out of the truck, Alana bent over to pull her wallet from her bag. She straightened as the door opened and Justin held out his hand to help her down. The touch of his hand brought back memories of the night at the movie theater and how much she'd enjoyed holding hands with him.

Unfortunately, he let go of her hand as soon as she was on her feet. Gripping her wallet in both hands, Alana walked with him to the door. When he opened it for her, she walked past him without looking at him, afraid of what he might see on her face.

As they waited to place their order, Alana took the time to school her features and hopefully hide the truth of what she felt. She thought she'd be strong enough to deal with whatever he had to say to her, but now she wasn't so sure. Her time this afternoon was supposed to have been for her to deal with all the emotions of everything from the past few weeks—including Justin—without worrying about Caden getting upset. Now she had all these thoughts and emotions sitting right below the surface and a feeling that they were going to spin out of control on her.

When it was time to place their order, Justin motioned her to go first. Alana swallowed and told the woman what she wanted. When she bent to pull money from her wallet, Justin's hand closed over hers and he leaned forward to tell the woman what he wanted. The comforting feel of his warmth at her back and his hand firm on hers pulled her emotions near to the surface once again.

He released her hand to pull his wallet from his pocket and paid for both their meals. As they waited for their food, he bent down to her and said, "I don't understand why you keep doing that?"

She refused to look at him. He was too close, close enough to read things in her eyes she didn't want him to see. "Do what?"

"Paying for yourself. When you're with me, I pay." His voice was low but firm. The warmth of his breath across her ear as he spoke sent shivers up and down her spine. "And don't order the cheapest thing on the menu either. I have plenty of money so buying you a meal isn't going to break me."

There was no way she would argue with him in a public place like this, but if he was wanting to talk to her about how it wasn't going to work between them, this was the last meal he'd ever buy for her.

Once their food came, they returned to the truck. Justin waited until she had buckled herself in before handing her the bags of food.

"I'll be right back," he said then turned toward the convenience store that shared the parking lot with the restaurant.

Alana closed the door then leaned her head back against the headrest, her eyelids sliding down.
God, please give me the strength to deal with whatever is coming. If this is it for us, give me peace about it, knowing that Your plan is always better than mine. But God, if at all possible, let me not get hurt again. My heart's had about all it can handle.

She felt the warmth of a tear slide down her cheek and then another. Panicked that Justin would return to find her crying, Alana looked around for a tissue. Not finding anything, she scrubbed at her cheeks with one hand.

The stupid tears wouldn't stop coming. What was going on? She didn't even know what he planned to talk to her about. She was assuming the worst, and those emotions that had been pulled to the surface now began to overflow at the worst possible time. Trying to take deep breaths in order to regain control, Alana continued to wipe at her cheeks.

These emotions made her feel weak when she'd worked so hard to be strong. Frustration and anger warred with the sadness. Tears weren't something she indulged in much. Certainly she'd stopped shedding tears over anything Craig had done to her years ago. So why now? What was it about this man that pulled at her emotions so strongly?

The driver's side door opened, and Alana quickly turned to look out the window as Justin slid behind the wheel. She continued to wipe at her cheeks with small movements as she waited for the truck to start. What she heard instead was the driver's side door opening. She glanced over to see that Justin had gotten out again.

CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

Before she could figure out what was going on, her door opened and a gasp escaped her as Justin took the food from her lap and set it on the floor of the truck. He reached over her and pushed the button to release the seat belt then he put his hand on the outside of her thigh and turned her to face him. When he stepped close, his abdomen bumped against her knees.

Alana gathered the material of her skirt into one hand while the other continued to wipe at her cheeks.

"Why are you crying?" Justin asked the question softly as he reached out and brushed his thumb across her cheek.

"I don't know." She gave a half hiccup-half laugh. "I just...I knew I was close to this...due for it even with everything that's been going on." She lifted her shoulders and let them fall. "Or maybe it's just hormones."

Justin's brows rose slightly as humor sparked in his eyes. "Really? Hormones? You're going to go with that?"

Alana let out a sigh and leaned her shoulder against the back of the seat. Was she really having this meltdown in front of Justin? She just couldn't catch a break. "Sometimes it's easier to go with that than anything else."

"Well, let's not have this conversation in a parking lot." Justin reversed his actions from earlier. He turned her in her seat, buckled her in and then returned the bags of food to her lap.

Though she felt a little more in control, Alana struggled to regain the stability she needed in order to have any sort of talk with Justin. Thankfully, he didn't pursue conversation as they drove. She had no idea where he was taking them, but as long as it was someplace outside where she could enjoy the sunshine and the nice breeze the day had to offer, it would be fine.

Her heart hurt though because she knew what she had to do. Alana was almost 100% sure that Justin was struggling with how to fit her and Caden into his life. Which, to her, meant he wasn't ready for a relationship. Or maybe he was ready to be buddies with Caden but didn't have time for anyone else. If he'd truly wanted to be with her, he would have found a way to make it work. And she would have been understanding of the demands his job put on him. Between the two of them, they could have made it work.

But she couldn't do it on her own and for the first time she was going to put her own needs above Caden's. She just couldn't be in a relationship with a man who seemed to be only interested in her because of Caden. Yes, they were a package deal, but she had to feel that a man would want her even without Caden. She really hadn't gotten that feeling from Justin.

So, she would let him off the hook and try to keep from falling even further in love with him while encouraging his friendship with Caden. And then she'd just keep praying God would either give her peace about their current situation or bring along the man who was willing to fulfill the role of husband and father without hesitation, who would be able to do what was necessary for them to make things work.

~*~*~

Justin decided to go to a nearby park where he knew there were picnic tables and also a view of the water. On such a nice day, there would be boats on the lake to watch. Hopefully, it would be relaxing for Alana. Clearly, the pressure of the past few weeks had finally caught up with her. She'd probably felt she had to hold it all together for Caden's sake. Having witnessed how upset the little guy got when he sensed his mother wasn't happy, Justin could understand why she might want to hide her distress from him.

He had undoubtedly added to her stress and, for that, Justin felt bad.  She needed someone who would help her shoulder the burdens, not add to them. He hoped he could be better about that in the future...if she'd give him that chance.

"Is this okay?" he asked as he pulled the truck into a parking spot.

She glanced around and nodded. "I'm just looking for fresh air and a little sunshine."

"Well, then this should fit the bill." He turned the truck off and jumped out.

Alana had her door open by the time he got there, but she was still sitting there with the food on her lap. He reached to take it from her. "Want to grab those drinks?"

She turned to pull the bottles of water from the drink holder in the console. Tucking them into her elbow, she used her free hand to hold onto the door as she slid to her feet. She closed the door and he used the fob to lock the truck before they headed down a pathway that led to some picnic tables. The first tables they came to were in use, so they kept going.

Finally, Justin spotted an empty one that was shaded by the large trees around it and yet still had a good view of the water. Alana must have seen it too because she began to make her way in that direction before he even said anything. They put the food and drinks on the table then Justin waited for Alana to choose her seat before he settled down across from her.

Once they had their food out, he noticed she bowed her head obviously saying grace for her food. He dipped his head as well, but in addition to thanking God for the provision of food, he prayed that he'd have the right words to say to make things right.

Alana was staring out at the water when he lifted his head. He could see the tension on her delicate features as the breeze lifted the loose strands of hair along her cheeks.

"Did you have a good week?" He wasn't sure how else to start the conversation, but that seemed to be as good a place as any.

"Yes. I spent some time looking for an apartment. I found one yesterday that I thought would be good."

Justin straightened and stared at her. "You're moving out of Beth's?"

Alana gave a one-shouldered shrug but didn't meet his gaze as she jabbed her fork into the salad in front of her. "We can't live there indefinitely, but when I told them this morning that I thought I'd found a place, they both insisted it was no bother for us to continue to stay there."

Tension eased from Justin's shoulders at that news.
Thank God for Beth and Daniel
. He couldn't imagine that any place she found would be better than what had burned down. "They enjoy having you there. Have you felt something different from them?"

Alana briefly met his gaze. "Not at all, but Caden and I aren't their responsibility. I'm perfectly able to take care of my son. We might not be able to live in the best neighborhoods, but he's always had clothes to wear and he's never gone hungry."

"But you have." Justin spoke the words as a shot in the dark. He had no definitive proof of that, but when her gaze jerked up to his and pink stained her cheeks, he knew the shot had hit its mark.

Fire flashed in her green eyes. "But he hasn't. And that's all that matters."

"No, actually, it's not. You need to take care of yourself too." Justin took a bite of the sandwich he held before he said anything more. The purpose of this lunch was to talk through things, not rile her up more.

"Caden and I are just fine." She set her fork down and lowered her hands to her lap, hidden from his view by the picnic table. "And I agreed to stay with Beth and Daniel only if they'd let me contribute by paying rent. But sooner or later, we will move into a place of our own. I have managed to take care of both of us before and there's no reason I won't be able to do that again once I’ve save up a bit more money. I'm planning to get a job when he goes to school in the fall. We will be fine."

Justin lowered the sandwich, his appetite slipping away. Was she aware of what she was saying? That she was making it very clear—whether she meant to or not—that she saw herself as caring for herself and Caden alone in the future she was laying out to him? She wasn't going to even give him a chance, he realized.

“Listen, about this past week..." Justin tried to find the words in an attempt to get things back on track. "I'm sorry."

"No need to apologize." She said the words as if she'd been practicing them. "I know you have a very busy and stressful job."

"Yes, it is, but—"

She cut his words off with a wave of her hand. "You don't have to explain anything to me. I think right now it's just best if you don't have to worry about us. I know Caden will appreciate any time you can spend with him, but I don't want you to feel stressed out trying to juggle your job and stuff with us. It seems that it works best to just commit to Monday nights."

Justin swallowed hard as he tried to take in what she was saying. He supposed he should be glad she wasn't shutting him completely out of their lives, but the pain he felt was just too much. "I really am sorry about what happened this past week. It wasn't my intention to make you feel like I didn't have time for you."

“But you didn't. Have time that is." She tilted her head as she looked at him.  "And I understand that. I think it's pretty clear that you have a lot of responsibility at BlackThorpe. I just don't feel like it will work. Either you'll cut back and I'll feel guilty because I know you'd rather be there for things like the training you've been doing, or you'll continue on as it is, which wouldn't be any good for a relationship. We've already seen that."

"Won't you at least give me a chance to make some changes? We kinda started things off in the middle of something I'd already committed to. And I know I made a mistake not contacting you last week." Justin rubbed his forehead. This talking stuff out was hard. "I think I could make changes that would make this work."

She arched her brow. "You think? And then what happens when you find out you can't? When I let myself get my hopes up only to have you decide that you just can't step away from it enough? It will only get worse the longer we put this off. The bottom line is...you love your job."

That was true, he did. He loved it, and he was good at it. But as he faced the prospect of losing Alana, Justin realized that while he did love his job, he loved her more. Yes, there it was. The L word...but there was no avoiding it. He had to acknowledge the depth of his feelings for her because it was what would propel him forward to make the changes to show her that he could—and would—make room for them both in his life.

He wanted to tell her that he was going to change. That he
wanted
to change so that he could be with her and Caden. But something told him at that moment that his words carried zero weight with her.

No, he was going to have to show her. 

“If you're sure that's what you want," he said when he realized she was sitting there waiting for a response from him. He saw the resignation in her eyes but strangely enough, it gave him hope. She wasn't ending things because she didn't want to be with him. He was counting on that as he began to formulate a plan of action. Unfortunately, it wouldn't be as simple as just suddenly switching his job to 9-5 hours starting the next day. He had to hand off some responsibility and rearrange a few things. Nothing that couldn't be done, but it would take a little bit of time.

"It is." She stabbed a piece of lettuce with her fork and lifted it to her mouth.

They ate in silence for a couple of minutes before Justin said, “So you've decided to send Caden to school in the fall?"

She shot him a wide-eyed look, obviously surprised at the change of subject. She take a quick breath and let it out. "Yes. I went and took a tour of the school, and I think it will be good for him."

"It's a school for deaf students?"

With his questions, Justin grabbed control of the conversation and steered it away from the tense discussion they'd just been having. Though Alana had appeared surprised initially, she seemed to relax as they stayed on neutral ground with the talk centering on Caden, Beth, Daniel, and Genevieve. She ate slowly as they talked, but at least she was eating for which Justin was grateful.

When she finished, he cleaned up their containers and dumped them into a nearby garbage can.

"What time do you need to pick Caden up?" Justin asked as he returned to the table.

"Four."

"You've still got an hour and a half. Want to go for a walk?"

He thought she was going to refuse, but then she nodded and got up from the picnic table. As they walked along the path, Justin found himself wanting to reach for her hand, but that wasn't his place right then. Soon, he hoped it would be, but just not quite yet.

It was during the walk that he tried to delve a little deeper into her life. He found out she did indeed have parents and two siblings, but it quickly became apparent she didn't want to talk about them. It was kind of sad really, given that he couldn't imagine any circumstances—barring death—that his parents would have allowed him to break off contact with them. Unless, of course, it had been her family who'd broken contact. He'd already done the math and figured she had been either seventeen or eighteen when she got pregnant with Caden. She wouldn't be the first person whose family had kicked her out over a teen pregnancy. It was definitely their loss if that had been the case.