Silenced 2: The Overtaking (Silenced Series) (20 page)

Chapter
Twenty Four

I’m doing really well. It’s been about two months since I was in the hospital. The urges to cut are beginning to be under control now that the stress has lessened a bit. Mom’s seen my progress, and has commented on it. She’s given me permission to stay at Landon’s a few nights a week. I don’t have it in me to clue her in completely, with how things are going between us. I’m afraid there won’t be anything between Landon and me, if things keep going the way they are.

He
hasn’t called, texted, or visited since my last session with Lily. It’s been hard, but I’ve managed to leave him alone. I haven’t tried to contact him in any way.

This week
is my eleventh therapy session and group meeting. They have been one of the biggest influences on me and my recovery. I’m able to bring a close supporter with me. It’s a hard decision, but I asked Casey to come. If it was up to me, my mom and Alex would be coming too. I can’t believe how supportive they’re being.

I never thought my mom could be like a best friend to me. If someone
had asked me a year ago if I got along with her, the answer would’ve been no. Now, I’m happy to say we are the best of friends.

When I have an urge to cut, I can call one of them and know the
y’re not going to judge me or get mad. Kristen has been a great support as well. Her faith in the Lord is as strong as ever, and I am beginning to see what she meant by He’s always there.

At this point it seems like my week is better when I go to church with Kristen. I didn’t think it would make a difference at first, but it does. It seems like the week goes
great, when it starts off with the Lord.

As I finish the final touches to my make up, I call Casey and see if she’s ready to go. I’ve
finally managed to talk her into going with me this Sunday. Her attitude has changed a lot towards church, and we have both given our lives to Christ.

****

While walking into the church, I look around to see if I can spot Kristen in our normal seats. It looks like Casey’s a little unsure of how to act. She makes all the same moves I do. I can understand the way she feels. At first, this place intimidated me too. Now, it feels like my second home, and the members are like my extended family.

We take our seats and Kristen gives Casey a quick wave and smile. “Oh, it’s great you decided to join us.” She says.

“Thank you.” Casey replies, looking at me with eyes showing how nervous she is.

“Calm down. Just go with the flow.” I suggest to her.

The pastor calls for everyone’s attention and the service starts. I really like how upbeat everyone is here. The music is amazing, which originally surprised me. I thought it’d be the normal, like dull piano playing the music, while everyone stood, singing the hymns in monotone voices. I was way off on this one.

They have a band and the music pulls you right in. The pastors add to it as well. Kristen said they consider themselves Christian, but to the world they’re Pentecostal. Either way
, doesn’t matter to me because I’m here to serve the Lord.

Once the music worship is over, they take the offering, and the pastor begins his message to the church. As he’s talking,
it falls right into what I’m going through. I’m struggling to make it known that I’m a Christian because I’m not sure of how others will take it.

The Pastor made it clear that we are Christ’s soldiers and should be screaming it proudly. He’s right. No one should be made to feel that they can’t freely express their faith
, because they’re afraid of what others think. Jesus didn’t care. He did what he knew was right. This service gave me the inspiration to strive to do the right thing, and try to live my life the best I can.

After the service, I leave with more inspiration th
an what I had before I went in. I feel refreshed, and ready to conquer the world.

“So, what did you think?” I ask Casey on the way home.

“It’s a bit strange. I liked the music but seeing everyone with their arms raised, sort of, made me feel weird. I’m not so sure about why they were going to the altar to pray or why a couple of them had to lie down.”

“It’s a bit different at first
, but you get used to it. Do you want to come back?” I ask smiling, and praying that she wants to.

“I don’t see why not.”

“I think I’m going to try to get our parents to come next week. It’d be great to see them there.”

“Good luck with that. Dad’s never been to church from what I remember. Shelly used to go
, but over time she stopped.”

“I’m sure if I keep asking, they’ll give in to me eventually.” I say, wiggling my eyebrows at her while smiling.

“More power to you. I don’t think they’ll give in that easy. Anyway... have you talked to Landon?”

“No, he
’s slowly stopped talking to me. I haven’t heard from him in almost a week. I’m tempted to call him, but I don’t want to find out exactly what’s going on.”

“What do you mean?”

“I think he’s going to end it. I stopped pushing for him to open up and talk with me. His demeanor towards me changed, since everything came out in the open.”

“Why drag it on? Call him and get it over with. You can’t live your life on hold for him.”

“I don’t know if I can handle it right now. I love him and don’t want my worst fear coming true. I’m afraid if we break up, everything I’ve accomplished, would be for nothing.”

“It doesn’t have to be that way
,” she suggests. “I know you’re much stronger than you give yourself credit for.”

“I haven’t been at this long
, and the urges are still there. I think if I’m all emotional, I won’t be able to fight them.” I say, trying to get her to understand.

“I’ll be here. You also have your Mom, our dad, your support group, and your counselor. You aren’t alone in this. Sitting here worrying about him isn’t going to help you in the long run.
”

I understand where she’s coming from. I’m just not sure if she understands how much I’ve come to rely on him. He was the first person to find out
, and was so supportive.

****

Later in the day, while in my room, I get the bright idea to try to find out what’s going on with Landon by talking with Patrick. Maybe Landon has said something to him.

“Hello?” Patrick says,
when he answers his phone.

“Hey Pat, what’s up?”

“Nothing, sitting here eating dinner.”

“Do you have time to talk? I need some advice and you’re the only one I can think of who may be able to help.”

“Yeah, I have a few minutes.”

“Landon seems to be rather... umm... distant lately. I was wondering if you knew what could be going on with him
.”

“U
h, he hasn’t said much to me except for his mom is sick, and he’s having a hard time with what happened on the trip.”

“Oh.” I say, disappointed.

I was sure Landon would have said something, unless Patrick isn’t telling, because of the “guy code” or something.”

“Oh come on... I know he had to have talked to you. Please
! Help a girl out here. I need to know what’s going on with him.”

After a moment
’s hesitation, Patrick replies, “I don’t want to be in the middle of it. I don’t want to start any drama, Amber. Can’t we just leave it at that?”

“Patrick...
I’m worried about him. I know he’s under a lot of stress because of his mom, and my situation isn’t making it any better but...” I’m not able to finish, because of the lump forming in my throat.

“Fine but I’m not telling you this to hurt you or to make you worry. I’m telling you this
, because I am your friend too and I think you should know.” Patrick gives in. “He’s not sure if he can handle the cutting or depression any longer. Watching you going through it hurts him, and add that on top of his mom’s cancer... yeah, he’s overly stressed. He’s in need of some space, and some time to figure out what he needs to do.”

“What he needs to do? What do you mean?” I ask,
guessing what words may come next.

“He’s talking about taking a break with you. Giving you space to heal
, and get your life in order.”

I don’t hear anything else he says. My mind sticks at taking a break. This is a nice way of saying he’s thinking of breaking it off
, because he can’t handle it. I would have never thought he’d be the one to run away from me when the truth came out. I thought my mom would have disowned me first.

“Wow, that’s...
umm... surprising. What do you think I should do?”

“I’m not sure.”

Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea. My heart rate is speeding up, as the lump in my throat gets bigger, and my eyes are burning from trying to hold back tears. I don’t want to lose Landon. I love him.

“Oh.” Is all I can manage to say.

“I’m sorry I had to be the one to tell you, but I figured you should know. Just take care of yourself, and maybe Landon will come around.”

Why doesn’t that sound too promising?

“Okay...will do. I have to go. Thanks for your help.” I say, as a silent tear runs down my cheek.

“Anytime
, take care.”

I felt this coming. I know Patrick wouldn’t lie to me but for some reason I need to hear it from Landon.
I grab my keys, and head to my car. A phone call won’t do. He can’t avoid me any longer. If he’s going to break it off, he can do it to my face. No more hiding.

As I pull into his driveway, the guts I mustered up on the way over, slowly piddle down to nothing. Feeling totally chicken and like I’m a ball of nerves, I climb out of the car and knock on his door.

I hear his footsteps coming down the hall to the door and I see him standing in a T-shirt with a pair of boxers.

“Hi, comfy day I take it?” I ask, trying not to glare.

“You could say that. Wanna come in?”

Well, of course I do. I didn’t drive all the way over here to stand here like an idiot.

“Yes.” I say politely and smile.

I follow Landon into the living room. As I look around, I feel out of place and it feels strange being here.

“You can sit down.” Landon says, pulling me out of my awkward thoughts.

“Right.” I reply as I sit down on the sofa. “So...we really need to talk.” I finish as I look up at him.

“I know.” He replies, sitting down in the chair to my left.

Silenc
e fills the room, which makes the tension within me, rise. I have never had such an uncomfortable moment with him. I look around as I drum my fingers on my leg.

“I’ve been thinking...” I begin. “You haven’t really talked to me in weeks
, and thought that we should clear up what’s going on. I’m not here to pressure you to tell me, but I need to know. I can’t sit back and wait forever.”

“I know
, but I don’t know what to say. I’m confused.”

“I get that much, Landon, but we need to figure out what’s going on. I can’t be in the dark with you anymore. I haven’t been able to sleep or even function during the day, because I’ve been worried about you. Please. Talk to me.”

Landon sits quietly looking at the floor. I can tell I’m making him uncomfortable, and it’s easy to see that he doesn’t want me here. In the past, I couldn’t walk in here without him giving me a kiss before we’d move to the living room. This time he didn’t even suggest it.

“For the past few weeks, I’ve been dealing with a lot.” Landon begins. “My mother’s cancer isn’t getting any better
, despite the fact that she’s been in chemo. Then, your situation scares the hell out of me.”

“Why?”

“I’m afraid of waking up one morning and finding you in a pool of your own blood. I don’t want to lose you that would kill me.”

“That’s why I’m getting help. The urges are still there but when they arise, I seek my support. So far, it’s been working.”

“That’s good. I’m glad to hear that.”

“So, what’s going on with us?” I ask, not realizing it slipped out until it’s too late.

“I think I need time. I can’t handle all of this. Maybe we should focus on our own problems, before we try to maintain a relationship.” He suggests.

My voice catches in my throat as I try to speak. Patrick was right. I thought maybe there’d be a small bit of hope and that he was wrong. All hope just faded away.

“What do you mean by ‘take some time’?”

“We won’t technically split up. Just tak
e time for you. I think it’ll be healthy for you.”

Oh
, here we go with that lame ass excuse guys seem to use all the time. Instead of saying what’s really on their mind, they put it off like they’re thinking of the girl over themselves. In other terms, we’re over.

“You just said you didn’t want to lose me, but then tell me you need time.
It doesn’t make sense to me but fine. I’ll do what I need to. Just know that I’m not going to wait forever and that I’ll always love you.” I say this in a pathetic and shaky voice.