Singing Heart (2 page)

A mischievous smile curled ruby lips as she ignored her brother’s dire warning.

“
You’re just scared. Too much of a coward to climb trees. It’s a whole different world up here. You’ll never see it because you’re afraid of falling. I feel sorry for you.”

The little boy huffed drawing himself up to his full height proudly. “I’m not scared of anything! You’re just a dumb old girl. You’re going to get a spanking for not minding too!”

Xzan ignored his threat laughing, blue eyes darkening devilishly. She tempted him using another tactic.

“
No I won’t. You know Mama never spanks me, just says she will. Really Paul you ought to see the farm from up here. It little bitty like a dollhouse. Mama looks just like a tiny doll hanging out the wash.”

Paul looked up uncertainly. Xzan was dreadfully high. Her petticoats had ripped on the branches as she climbed up. Red puffy scratches decorated her arms. His sister always did things that were dangerous but she never got hurt the way his parents predicted. He was dying of curiosity to know what it would be like to see the world so high off the ground.

“
Oh come on!” Xzan urged him naughtily. “You’re wearing pants. It will be easier for you to climb up here than it was for me. Quit being a pansy! You’ll never live life if you don’t take risks.”

Paul not wanting to be labeled as a coward by his older sister whom he secretly admired began the ascent apprehensively. One branch at a time. His frail body trembled with excitement. He held his breath refusing to look down advancing toward the highest part of the old oak where Xzan stood precariously balanced eyes dancing with approval. She reached down beaming happily.

“
Good boy! See you can do it. There’s nothing to be afraid of.”

Paul reached for her hand to let her pull him up the remaining distance. Just then his foot slipped. He screamed in terror arms flailing wildly, snapping limbs in his wake as he plummeted to the ground. Xzan shrieked in horror staring in disbelief at his lifeless body below. Heedless of the branches that poked and tore her clothing ripping her tender flesh she slid out of the tree as fast as she could go.

“
Mama!” she yelled at the top of her lungs.

Sobbing hysterically she rushed over to Paul’s small form. His face looked like wax, colorless against dark curly hair. Xzan lifted his thin head into her lap protectively tears splattering his cheeks as she leaned in close to his mouth to find out if he was breathing.

“
God,” she prayed aloud, “Please don’t let my brother die! Mama!” she screamed in anguish.

Rocking him desperately, cradling him close she called his name repeatedly trying to wake him.

*****

Xzan covered her ears tormented by the sounds of her brother’s screams. She was sitting outside of his door. Mama and the Doctor were setting his leg and arm. Thank God he hadn’t broken his neck!

She was responsible for his pain. Wished it were her lying in there instead of him. She deserved to be the one hurting. Paul was just a baby. He never did anything wrong. If she hadn’t egged him on he would never have climbed that tree.

The piercing screams subsided. Mama waddled out of the room heavy with child her face as blanched as her son’s, drawn and serious. It was obvious her nerves were frayed. She looked exhausted. Instead of the reprimand her daughter expected Rebecca opened her arms. Xzan flew into them burying her face in her mother’s bosom tears falling anew.

“
There…there,” Mama soothed “Paul is going to be alright. It will take awhile for his bones to mend but he will recuperate.”

She lifted the little girl’s chin. Xzan’s effusive smoky blue eyes pleaded for forgiveness.

“
Do you see why I told you not to climb that big oak tree? This is what can happen. It could have been worse. You or Paul could have died.”

Xzan shuddered nodding her head solemnly, vowing to herself this was the last time that she would ever disobey her parents.

“
I’ll be a good girl from now on Mama. I promise! I’ll make Paul and the twins mind too.”

She buried her ebony head in her mother’s breast clinging for dear life sincerely meaning what she had promised. Rebecca smiled weakly. Knowing that when her son’s injuries were healed all would be forgotten. Her little girl would seek the excitation and thrill of discovery that she inexorably seemed to crave. Rebecca hugged her tightly. Xzan was so full of life. She fretted over her but also admired her child’s zest for living. She had the courage to try anything once and the imagination to think of it.

Rebecca knew she probably should scold Xzan more severely for her own sake but she couldn’t bring herself to add to the heartache and fright the child had already suffered over her brother’s accident. Besides you couldn’t change what you were inside. Her daughter would always covet glitter or new adventures that might take her all over the world. Her motto was; ‘The most important thing in life, is to live it.’

Rebecca couldn’t destroy that spirit in her child. Even if it meant being silver headed by the time the little girl was grown having to worry over what exploit she might attempt next.

“
I love you sweetie. Now be a good girl. Come help Mama with the twins. We’ll make Paul a tray and you can bring it up to him after he wakes.”

Leading her six year old by the hand downstairs to the kitchen she observed how fast the tears dissolved as Xzan watched the twins throw peas at each other using the tips of their spoons. Rebecca smiled contentedly listening with maternal ears to childish laughter. Her hands would always be full. It was what she wanted out of her life. Every moment was precious with her children and at the end of the day when they were snuggled safely in their beds she was content to lay in her husband’s arms knowing she would wake to his and their smiles. What more could any woman want than to love and be loved by this crowd of characters.

*****

Xzan lay daydreaming, absently chewing on a blade of grass. Her siblings played ball in the distance. Mama was leaning against a tree cradling her slightly rounded belly. She hadn’t announced this pregnancy yet. Xzan had seen the signs so often she no longer needed to be told.

Mama yawned delicately peeking out of sleepy blue eyes she checked on her brood. Another sign of pregnancy. Rebecca could fall asleep anytime, anywhere. She seemed to stay in a soporific haze. Rubicund lips curved in to a sweet smile as she felt her oldest staring at her.

“
What?”

“
You’re so gorgeous Mama. I hope I look just like you when I’m a grown lady.”

Rebecca’s eyes misted. “That’s a precious compliment. I don’t feel very pretty today.”

She touched her abdomen thinking about the new life growing inside. She cherished all her children and this one would be no exception. She was the one who insisted on having an expansive family. It was just that this conception had been a bit hasty for her taste.

Despite the fact that childbirth had become more facile each time her body was just plain tired of carrying the extra burden. About the time she got her figure back, adjusted to feeling empty she swelled with yet another infant. There was always a new soul mingling with hers. She had never been able to describe this sensation to her husband adequately. Men simply didn’t understand what it was like to harbor another life inside of your body. They thought a baby was unreal. An unseen object resting in the womb until it popped out and became a person.

Paul had no idea how it bombarded her senses. She had felt each of her children distinctly, knew their personalities before their birth. She just wished this baby hadn’t come along at this time. She barely finished nursing one before another one would replace it at her breast. She was so engrossed in caring for her newborns she missed out on enjoying her toddlers.

Rebecca eyed her daughter wistfully. It seemed like every time she blinked Xzan had grown a foot taller. It made her melancholy knowing that by the time she had the energy to do all of the things with her children that she dreamed of they would be grown undoubtedly raising babies of their own.

“
Mama,” Xzan interrupted her revelry “how did you and Papa meet?”

It was the first time she’d been asked such an intimate question by one of her offspring. Rebecca knew she had to be careful how she responded. She had done some foolish things in her youth that she didn’t want her daughter to repeat. Paul had been somewhat of a rake in his younger years. She stretched out reaching lazily for the little girl’s hand playing with her fingertips identical to her own as a child.

“
Your Papa was a sailor. He brought a ship full of supplies to my father from France. I met him in my father’s study while they were discussing business.”

“
Was he handsome?” Xzan prodded curiously.

Even without most of his hair Papa was still good looking. Especially when he grinned and his eyes crinkled in the corners. Rebecca blushed prettily.

“
I thought he was the most handsome man in the whole world.”

“
What happened?”

“
He asked my father for permission to court me. My father didn’t think a lowly seaman was good enough for his only child. He refused to even consider his suit. Your Papa had a mind of his own though. He was determined to get to know me despite what my father chose for me.”

Xzan’s eyes grew as big as saucers as the mystery unfolded.

“
What did he do?”

“
When I rode in the park,” Mama confided “he would appear out of nowhere and talk to me. Some days he took me to tea in a secluded cafe nearby. We fell in love almost instantly.”

“
Did Grandpa know?”

“
No! It was difficult for me to tell him. I had never gone behind his back before or ever disobeyed his wishes for me. My father also had someone in mind for me to marry. He kept setting up rendezvous with the man to force my hand.”

Rebecca quavered in revulsion as she reflected on that time in her life. Xzan was totally enthralled. She sat up wrapping her arms around her knees listening assiduously.

“
To make a long story short your Papa asked me to marry him and I accepted. My father was so enraged…unyielding… he locked me in my room like a prisoner. Then he arranged a hasty marriage to this other man.”

“
What was he like?” her daughter interrupted audaciously, curious to know what sort of man could have by a twist of fate have become her father instead of Papa.

Rebecca wrinkled her nose in distaste.

“
He was much older. Nearly my grandfather’s age… grossly obese. He belched constantly and was always eating or drinking. He looked like a pig. With a big red nose that ran all of the time. He wore women perfume…lavender I think. My father’s interest in him was his money. He was very rich. Papa wanted to make sure that I was well provided for. He also wanted to know that my husband would handle my inheritance competently.”

Xzan waited on pins and needles for the rest of the story. Rebecca shifted stiffly laying in the opposite direction on her other side. Her daughter climbed over her facing her tiny chin propped up in her plump little hands.

“
Your Papa climbed the trellis beside my window up to the third floor to persuade me to elope with him. I did. I have never regretted that decision except for one thing.”

Xzan held her breath expectantly. Rebecca’s eyes were moist with unshed tears. She blinked them back refusing to let it still distress her after all these years.

“
My father disowned me, left his estate to charity rather than assist us as a punishment. I never minded losing the money. Your father may not be affluent but he has always provided for us quite comfortably. Even if he lost his post at the bank we would never go hungry. I would prefer to live in poverty with Paul than in grandeur with Claude Thomas. But, “ her voice wavered. “ I loved my father. It broke my heart that he was never happy for me. He never shared the pleasure of knowing his grandchildren the way Grannie Winslow has.”

Xzan reached out to comfort her mother caressing her hand gently. “I’m sorry Mama. But I’m so pleased that you married Papa instead. I would have loathed Mr. Thomas for a father. Especially if I had his nose.”

She wrinkled her elegant one snorting obnoxiously. Rebecca fell back cackling then jumped to her knees tickling her daughter pulling the offending organ teasingly.

The other children seeing their horseplay came running to join in demanding to know what was so hilarious. Rebecca gathered them all in her arms squeezing her clan tightly. She had no regrets. This was her firmament. Spawned by her choices. When the time came for her children to find their places in life she would do everything in her power to be supportive of them even if she disagreed with their preferences.

*****

Christmas looked bleak. After the bank closed down ending Papa’s employment when Xzan was seven her father tried his hand at shipping once more. All went well for a few years except Mama missed him terribly during his absences. In November when she was twelve Papa’s ship the Becky succumbed to a storm just off the English Channel. Every spare penny they had was invested in that cargo. The miniscule income the farm wielded would have to see them through the winter.