Social Skills (13 page)

Connor
rubbed Jared’s pinky, willing comfort through that tiny amount of contact. “I
know I shouldn’t say this,” he began slowly, “but sometimes I’m jealous of what
you had with your dad.”

Jared
turned toward him, eyes brilliantly lit from the colors in the sky. “What do
you mean?”

“I
mean, I know I still have my dad, so I should just shut up, but we’re not…close.
And you and your dad obviously were. You’re still close, and he’s not even with
you anymore.”

Jared
nodded, the shadow of sadness lifting from his face. “Yeah.” He smiled. “I
guess we are still close. That was actually a really sweet thing to say.”

Connor
stared into Jared’s eyes, the sunset all but forgotten. Whatever beauty it
offered was nothing compared to the intensity of watching Jared watch him,
knowing they felt something so perfect for each other. The emotion was so
overwhelming it almost made him want to cry—joyful tears,
though—and scream from this or any mountain he was pretty sure what they’d
found together was
real
.

“You’re
cold,” Jared murmured, their eyes still locked.

“No,
I’m fine.”

“Your
lips are turning blue. I don’t want you getting sick. Come on, let’s head back.”

The
stars were out in full force by the time they reached the car. Under the
protective cover of night, Jared leaned in to buckle Connor’s seatbelt and give
him a teasingly soft kiss. “That’s all until we get back,” he said.

***

Even
with every inch of Connor’s body geared up in anticipation, Jared still managed
to surprise him. He grabbed Connor’s shirt collar before the door to his room
even fell closed and pinned him against the wall, the kisses anything but soft
now. Clothes were shed with little care where they fell as they twisted against
each other and toppled over onto the bed.

Not
a word passed between them, but at times like this, words weren’t really necessary.
Relying fully on that fact, Connor tore himself away from Jared’s embrace long
enough to walk over to his desk drawer and grab the items he had hidden there weeks
ago.

Jared
blinked up at him, until Connor stretched out the hand that held the lube and
condom. Then he recoiled as if he’d seen a snake.

“What’s
that for?”

Connor
stared at his open palm, taken aback by the intrusion of words into their
passion. “Um, w-what do you think it’s for?”

“You’re
not happy with what we’re doing?”

Of
all Jared’s possible responses, that had to be the furthest from Connor’s mind.
He sank onto the bed, panic squeezing his stomach and making bile rise up in his
throat. After spending the last two months building the courage to push the
envelope on their physical relationship, the rebuttal had him about ready to
find a corner to hide in. He hadn’t felt that way around Jared in a long time.

“O-of
course I’m happy,” he mumbled. He closed his eyes, praying Jared would come to
his senses and take the lead. It was only natural, wasn’t it? “But…r-remember
when we first talked about…stuff…and you asked if I was ever curious? Well, I
am.”

Jared
sighed, rubbing his hand over his face. “It’s not that I wouldn’t want to, um,
be with you that way. It’s just that…I don’t know I’d ever be comfortable with
anyone…you know…to me…and it doesn’t seem fair to take without reciprocating.”

“Oh.
O-okay.” Humiliation burned Connor’s skin, and he began to tuck the offending
objects away under the bed.

Jared
stopped him. “Wait, hold on. Have you…have you really thought a lot about this?”

“N-no,
it’s okay, it doesn’t matter.”

“Don’t
do that,” Jared chided. “If it’s important to you, then let’s talk about it.”

“I-it’s
n-not. I didn’t m-mean to—”

“Connor!”
Jared grabbed his shoulders and shook. “Stop. Take a deep breath and talk to
me.”

Connor
obeyed, closing his eyes again and finding relative peace in the darkness. “Fine.
It’s just that…I thought you might want to. I’m not unhappy, and we don’t have
to…but if you ever did…I…I wouldn’t mind being the…the…you know. It doesn’t
matter to me if you never want to be.”

Jared
scratched his chin. “You may feel like that now, but who’s to say you won’t
change your mind?”

“I
won’t,” Connor replied firmly. And he was fairly certain that was true. He’d
prepared himself—assuming Jared would be in charge, of course. After all,
Jared was in charge of their entire relationship. “I just”—his voice
dropped closer to a whisper—“I just…want it to be you…with me…my first
time…”

Oh, no.
He’d
said too much. Now he sounded desperate, and if he kept on talking, he’d probably
wind up giving it all away—that deeper desire for much more than what he
was asking for.

And
he didn’t even want to give that away to himself.

Jared
hesitated a moment longer before taking the items from his loose grasp. “You’re
sure you’re ready?”

“I’m…I’m
sure.”

He
lay on his back with his hips propped up as Jared’s much larger frame hovered
above him. That would have been intimidating, once, but now he knew better.
Knew better than most—maybe even better than
anyone
—that beneath the big football-player exterior, Jared
was an incredibly gentle person at heart.

But
even with all his preparation, he still gasped when Jared’s cold, wet fingers
slipped into him.

“Does
it hurt? Am I doing it wrong?” Jared asked, retracting quickly.

“No,
no, you’re doing fine,” Connor reassured him. It felt odd, to be in the
reassuring position for once. “J-just keep going. I’m fine.”

He suffocated
his first whimpers when Jared entered, so he wouldn’t startle him. Still, Jared
paused until Connor gave him a small nod to continue. Then he moved in a little
further, and the process repeated itself. The eternity of
move-wait-move
made things feel cold and technical, and Connor lost
his erection as he focused on accustoming himself to the foreign object inside
of him.

Another
eternity passed, while Jared pulled at him to coax him back to life. Jared was
still completely firm, his chest heaving, his pupils blown wide. Clearly, he
had no need for the lengthy pause. He was just waiting patiently for the okay
to move on.

Connor
pushed his hips up, tightening himself around Jared, and realized his own chest
was now heaving in sync.

Moving
as one
, he thought as Jared finally
began to thrust.

The thin
line between pain and pleasure shattered. Suddenly, instead of the rawness, there
were sparks—sparks that made the fireworks on his now-closed eyelids
explode with new dimension. What was responsible for that startling radiance?
Was it just the physical sensations, or was it this absolute
intimacy
,
beyond any connection he’d ever had with another human being?

Jared’s
thrusts grew more forceful, throwing him back into the physical. Into deeper
pressure, faster movements, and harder collisions between their sweat-coated bodies.
Fingernails dug into his shoulders, and Jared’s thighs rippled with the
contraction of his muscles as he tensed and then released.

The
moan of pleasure—and the reflexive tightening of Jared’s hand on his
erection—drew Connor to the edge. He came in a stream against Jared’s
chest.

Jared
collapsed onto him. They gasped together for a while, riding out the
aftershocks of post-orgasmic pleasure, before Connor realized his breathing was
not approaching the normal pattern Jared’s was. He squirmed free of the tangle
of arms and legs and retrieved his pants from the floor so he could dig out his
inhaler.

“Shit,
I didn’t know you had asthma.” Jared leaned on his elbow to watch. “Are you all
right?”

Connor
held his hand in a thumbs-up while he used the nebulizer. “Yeah.” He coughed
out gently when he was done. “It’s really mild. I’m fine.”

He
headed back to bed, but even in the dark he could tell the concern in Jared’s
eyes had been replaced by a mischievous twinkle.

“What?”

The
look was followed by a smirk, and as Connor stood a few feet away from the bed,
Jared broke into an all-out fit of uncontrollable laughter.

“What?”
Connor repeated, crossing his arms against his bare chest, which reminded him
he was completely naked.
Naked and
standing in front of the person he’d just let take his virginity…and in no mood
to be laughed at. He felt far too exposed for even friendly teasing.

“I’m
not laughing at you, I swear,” Jared subdued himself long enough to say, but a
moment later, he was back to laughing.

“Then
what is it?”

“I
can’t tell you. You’ll probably hit me.”

“Jared,”
Connor pleaded, that old insecure tremble slipping into his voice.

“All
right, all right.” Jared finally got himself under control as he wiped a
laughter-borne tear from his eye. “I was just wondering…did I…did I take your
breath away?”

Connor
grabbed a pillow and aimed for Jared’s head.

He
fell asleep secure in Jared’s arms, but sometime around midnight, awoke to movement
as Jared tried to unwrap himself. Stubbornly, Connor clung tighter. “Don’t
leave, please,” he mumbled in a sleep-induced state of honesty.

Jared
sighed and settled back against him with a light kiss. “I’m right here,” he
whispered. “Go back to sleep.”

Connor
did, his pangs over separation momentarily eased. But the next time he awoke in
the darkness, he found himself alone.

Chapter Thirteen

Connor
rested his instrument at the conductor’s swift motion, thankful for the break. He
twisted in his seat, rotating his shoulder blades and trying to relieve the
tightness in his back. The Baroque music selected for the spring concert was a
little too precise for his tastes, as he’d discovered—especially of
late—he was a romantic at heart.

Rebecca
shared a similar disdain for the music, amplified by the multiple times Vidar
had called her out in sectionals for not bowing cleanly enough. “I don’t
want to sound like Chrissy,” she muttered while the conductor demanded more of
a crescendo from the winds, “but sometimes I feel like this stuff is stifling
my natural creativity. Maybe I need to break out of here and join a barefoot
bluegrass band. I oughta be able to find one around here.”

Connor
grinned. Willowy Rebecca would fit in perfectly in such a setting. “Yeah, I was
thinking of joining the pit orchestra for that theater group. You know, the one
that’s doing
Kiss Me Kate
. Thought it
might be nice to do something different for a change.”

“Ooh,
good idea. Just don’t let Vidar hear you say that. I had a friend who asked for
a day off from rehearsal once to practice with the pit, and he tore her a new
one. I mean, he must have lectured her for a straight five minutes about making
a commitment to
real
music and not
wasting time with stuff a monkey could play.”

“A
monkey?” Connor chuckled. “Really?”

Rebecca
shrugged. “What can I say, he’s a foreigner.”

The
conductor tapped his stand. “Can I have quiet, please?”

Exchanging
guilty glances, they waited a few minutes to resume talking, careful to keep
their voices to a whisper.

“Hey,
you gonna come by tonight? A bunch of us are gonna hang out and watch a movie
in the Brown common room.”

“A
bunch of us?” Connor asked hesitantly.

Rebecca
rolled her eyes. “I don’t even know why I’m asking you. You’re coming, period.”

***

A
bunch of us
turned out to be the
usual Brown-dorms crowd. Connor settled himself on the uncomfortable couch
while Tate and Rebecca took their seats rather close to each other on a large,
lumpy beanbag.

A.J.
came up from behind them, his arms full with two bowls of popcorn. “What are we
watching?”

“A
classic.
La Cage aux Folles
,” Rebecca answered. She reached out to
take her share of the snacks. “You’ll love it.”

Busy
studying the way Tate had casually thrown his arm around Rebecca and was now
stroking her hand, Connor missed the exact moment when Beth entered the room.

“I
know, sickeningly cute.” She plopped down next to him. “You didn’t know they’d
started dating?”

“Oh,
uh, I guess I didn’t get the announcement.” Connor turned slowly to face her.
Why on earth had he chosen to sit in a spot that was so difficult to guard?

Rebecca
stuck out her tongue. “Shut up. We’re not cute.”

“Nope,
not at all,” Tate agreed, but Rebecca looked less than pleased with his
support.

“A
girl as tall as me can’t afford to be choosy.” She sighed. “I have a limited
pool to work with if I want to date someone who doesn’t make me feel like a
giant.”

“I
don’t care, I’m sticking with cute,” Beth said defiantly. “You’re going to that
dance at Newcomb this weekend, right? That’s cute if I ever heard it.”

Rebecca
blushed. “I just want an excuse to dress in an eighties prom dress and crimp my
hair.” Then she perked up, leaning toward the couch. “Hey, why don’t you come
with us? It’ll be fantastically cheesy.”

Beth
squirmed in her seat. “Aw, I would, but I don’t have anyone to go with.”

Connor’s
neck twitched. Something wasn’t right here. Even after his years of abstaining
from social interaction, he could tell something was off about the way Rebecca
and Beth were speaking to each other. The words just didn’t seem to be flowing
naturally—they almost sounded…
rehearsed
.

He
stared at his shoelaces. Hopefully whoever else they were waiting for would
show up soon, so they could be distracted by the movie…although being next to
Beth in the dark wasn’t too appealing a thought, either.

“Hey,
you wanna come with me, Connor?” Beth asked a moment later, solidifying his
dread.

His pulse
was already racing, and he knew he’d waited too long to respond when Rebecca
shot him a concerned look.

“Oh…I…don’t
dance.”

“You
don’t have to dance, silly.” Beth laid her hand on his thigh. “We’ll just hang
out and have a good time.”

“Yeah,
man,” Tate threw in. “I’m a ridiculous dancer. I mean, have you ever seen
anyone this tall and this white try to find a beat? I can pretty much guarantee
that if I attempt it, it’ll be the pinnacle of entertainment.”

Connor’s
stomach roiled, and he was hesitant to open his mouth as the bout of nausea
overtook him. How was it possible that just as he was finding himself in the
social world, he had to be waylaid by a five-foot-tall girl? It really wasn’t
fair.

“I’m
just not much for dances,” he finally mumbled.

Tate
threw a piece of popcorn at him. “C’mon man, you’re a musician. You gotta be
able to at least sway to the music.”

It
was Rebecca who finally came to his aid, putting a hand on Tate’s shoulder and
silencing him with a look Connor couldn’t quite figure out. “Hey, let’s put on
the movie, guys. It’s getting late, and I have a nine-thirty class tomorrow.”

Stumbling
to his feet, Connor faked a stretch. “I…I think I’m gonna call it a night. I
kinda have a busy day tomorrow, too.”

Beth
stared at him for a moment before darting her eyes away, but not before he
caught the disappointment shining through them.

“Oh,
no, Connor, please stay. We haven’t even started the movie yet!” Rebecca
pleaded. “I think you’ll really like it.”

Connor
shrugged, unable to even make eye contact with her, and headed for the door. “I…I’m
not really into foreign films. I’ll see ya tomorrow.”

He
hurried away, wondering how long it would be before he’d feel safe being around
his friends again. After this pitiful display, Beth would probably take the
hint and stop pestering him, but what would Rebecca think of his actions? All
his hard work for a decent friendship could very well be out the window if she
thought his cold shoulder was unwarranted.

His
phone rang as he neared the entrance to his dorm.

“Hey,
you.”

Still
jittery, Connor pushed his ear against the hard bit of plastic, as if he could
reach all the way through to Jared’s warm skin. “H-hey.”

“Everything
okay? You sound a little upset.”

“Actually…is…is
there any way you could come over tonight? Just for a little while?”

Jared
hesitated. “Oh…I thought you were gonna chill with the Brownies tonight. I’m
supposed to be hanging out with Ben and some of the other guys.”

“Right.
I know.” Connor sighed, hurting his ear with the rush of static-feedback from
the phone. Moments of silence ticked by while his feet dragged to a standstill.

“All
right, I can come for a few minutes. Just give me like half an hour, okay?”

“Yeah,
okay.” His lungs filled with breath again. “Thanks.”

***

Jared
stepped into the room, one finger held up for silence while he spoke into his
cell phone.

“Okay
Jake, here’s what you do. Buy her yellow roses.” He plummeted down on the bed. “Yes,
yellow. Yellow is for friendship. Then, if she acts really excited by the gift,
she probably likes you. If she doesn’t seem thrilled, you can tell her it was a
friend thing. That way you’ve made a good impression, but you don’t have to
feel embarrassed if she doesn’t like you back right now.”

He
gave Connor an apologetic shrug. “Yeah, buddy, no problem. I gotta go now. I’ll
talk to you later.”

“Sorry.”
He silenced the phone and tucked it away. “My brother has his first serious
crush, and apparently I’m the love doctor. But I’m all yours now.” He pulled
Connor onto the bed and scooted around until he had him resting between his
legs. “Tell me what’s wrong.”

Connor
leaned back and closed his eyes, inhaling the comfort of Jared’s scent. “Beth,”
he mumbled.

“The
little chick with a crush? C’mon, Con, you can handle her.”

“But
I don’t like hurting people’s feelings,” Connor shot back, though he really was
beginning to feel like a whining child. Jared was right; he should have been
able to handle the situation without running away. “She outright asked me to
that stupid dance they’re having at Newcomb.”

“So?”

“So?
So I had to say no…and now I bet both her and Rebecca are pissed at me.”

Jared
shifted behind him, but Connor didn’t turn around, afraid he’d see frustration
in Jared’s eyes.

“You
didn’t have to say no,” Jared replied calmly. “Just because you go to a dance
with her and a bunch of friends doesn’t mean she’s expecting you to marry her.”
The comfort Jared provided rapidly vanished as he pulled away even more,
leaving a gap between their bodies.

Connor
finally moved to face him, his hands scrunching into fists around his
comforter. Why was it he so desperately needed Jared to show just an
inkling
of jealousy? “Well I don’t want to lead her on, either. It wouldn’t be
fair.”

“You
just have to make sure she understands you’re going as friends. It’s no big
deal. Hey, do you know her number? Why don’t you call her…or Rebecca, and make
it like a group thing. Then you won’t be uncomfortable.”

“What?
No! I don’t want to go!” Connor’s throat tightened on the words, making them
high-pitched and strained. “I don’t want her to like me. She’s ruining my
friendships!”

“Whoa,
whoa,” Jared scoffed. “Tune down the melodrama, man. You’re starting to sound
like a chick.”

Connor
ripped himself all the way out of Jared’s arms, backing up to the corner of his
bed. A smoldering anger rose in his chest, and he almost gave it voice to call
Jared an asshole, or some equally vicious epithet. They’d never really had a
fight before, but in his already-emotional state he could feel one brewing now.

Jared
snatched his hand. “Okay, I know that was rude. I’m sorry. Don’t flip out. I’m
just saying, you can go with your friends and have a good time.”

“Jared,
I’m not going.” Connor gritted his teeth and tried to hold back the storm.

There
was a beat of silence, and then Jared dropped his hand. “I am.”

“What?”

He shrugged.
“I’m going. A bunch of my suitemates thought it’d be mildly entertaining, so…yeah,
we’re going.”

“With
your suitemates?”

Jared
looked past him. And Connor knew then he wasn’t going to like what came next.

“With
Ronnie.”

Fury
and sickness rushed into him, coloring his face and blinding out rational
thought. “Why…why would you do that? Why would you go with her? Y-you told me…you
promised me…”

“Calm
down,” Jared said. “We’re going as friends. It’s not a big—”

“Don’t
you dare say it’s not a big deal!”

Jared
recoiled, but Connor couldn’t lower his volume mid-stride.

“It
is
a big deal, because if it wasn’t, you would have told me before. You’ve
obviously been planning it for a while!”

“Connor,”
Jared continued in a level tone. He pushed his hands out in the universal
calm
down
signal, which only infuriated Connor more. “It slipped my mind, okay?
But it’s not like we’re going on a date. Ronnie and I were friends in high
school long before we started going out.”

“Yeah,
but does she know there’s no chance? Does she get that? Because I’m pretty sure
she doesn’t. Maybe you don’t even know that!”

“That’s
not fair. You know how I feel about you. Veronica is just a friend, nothing
more. I swear to you. You don’t even want to go to this stupid dance, so why
are you so upset about me going with friends?”

“Because…because
if you’re going to go to a stupid dance, then it should be with
me
!”

The
words flew out of Connor’s mouth and whipped through the air, stunning him. When
had he reached this turning point? When had he gone from gratefully taking
whatever he could get to actually believing he deserved
more
?

Jared’s
shock held for a few seconds before his face crumpled. “Shit, Connor,” he
whispered. “It…it can’t be. You know that. We have to keep this under control.”

Under control?
What did that even mean? Frantically, Connor tried to latch onto the rage that
had filled him a moment earlier, but it was already slipping. Only pain lay
underneath. “Yeah. Yeah, I know that.”