Social Skills (14 page)

They
sat in silence, at opposing ends of the bed, while Connor tried to make sense
of his own reactions. He
did
know how things had to be between them; he’d
known all along. So why did he feel so different all of a sudden? Why couldn’t
he turn back the clock to when stealing kisses a few times a week was all he
needed to sustain him? Everything was simpler then.

He
could almost see the same thoughts behind Jared’s downcast eyes.

“I
gotta go meet up with Ben,” Jared finally said.

“I
know.”

Jared
stood to leave. He paused at the door for a second to look back, nostrils
flared and lips pressed into a wobbly line. “Bye, Connor.”

No
kiss, no tousle of the hair, no hand on the shoulder—just goodbye. Connor
sat frozen on the bed, replaying the argument in his head. How had things gone
so far astray in only a few minutes?

You
know how I feel about you
, Jared’s
words hit him again. Most of the time, Connor thought he did. But what
proof
did he have? The only evidence anything existed between them was in his own
memories. And even if Veronica was nothing more than a friend, she still got
higher billing than he did. She could be seen with him in public. She could
hold his hand, touch him, kiss him if she so chose—all the things Connor wanted
to do, far more often than he got the chance. And to do it in public, for the
whole world to see—to show anyone who was watching how much they
meant
to each other…

He
exhaled slowly, the last seconds of the breath turning into a shudder.

That
was it. He might not have known for sure what he meant to Jared, but he knew
what Jared meant to him. He wasn’t just infatuated anymore; he was deeply and
emotionally connected. And from this point, there was no turning back.

But
there was no going forward, either.

Connor
pulled a pillow up to his face and pressed it against his eyes, hoping the
flimsy bit of bedding would be enough to hold back the tears.

Chapter Fourteen

“Again!”
Vidar barked, his thick accent and the force of the shout making Connor wince. Again,
all the first violins raised their instruments—some more wearily than
others—and launched into the difficult run.

It
seemed baroque music
was
Vidar’s musical match, and Connor’s body ached
from the tense way he’d been holding himself as he attempted to comply with the
man’s every demand. Fighting the empty feeling in his chest, he tried to hit
the notes perfectly, pull the bow precisely and control every sound that
emerged from his instrument in a way he could never control his life.

Vidar
silenced them again and directed his attention to a mousy brunette who still
hadn’t gotten the fingering right. The poor girl wilted under his wrath, and
Connor took the opportunity to sneak a sidelong glance at Rebecca.

She
rolled her eyes, her lips twitching in an empathetic grimace. “
Yikes,
”
she mouthed to him at Vidar’s harsh: “No! You must do it again! Do you
practice?” She knew better than to speak out loud, though.

After
avoiding her for the past few days, it was a relief to see she was treating him
like nothing had happened. But as thankful as he was for the apparent reprieve,
Connor simply didn’t have the drive to act the same.

When
the hour ended, Rebecca turned to console the now teary-eyed brunette, and
Connor snuck away. He rushed up the steps from the basement of Old Cabell Hall
and burst out into the cold night air.

Congratulations,
his sarcastic inner voice told him.
You got through another day of functioning normally
. Or at least,
as normal as he got, under the circumstances.

A
bleep on his cell phone informed him of a missed call, from Jared. His heart
leapt and then sank—there was no message, and he had no idea what to say
if he initiated the contact. He knew what he
should
say—that he was still upset, that they needed to talk
about where things were going between them—but he’d never have the guts
to be that straightforward. What he’d probably end up doing would be begging
for Jared to come and hold him, to make all the hurt disappear with kisses, to
let the problem be buried in a deep, dark hole where they’d never hear from it
again.

“Connor,”
Rebecca huffed from behind him.

Startled,
he shoved the phone into his pocket and took two more steps before he realized
he couldn’t just walk away from her. “Uh, yeah?”

“Hey,
I’ve been meaning to talk to you. You’ve been busy at lunchtime these past few days?”

“Yeah.”
He gripped his violin tighter and began walking again. It wasn’t as if Rebecca
was going to have any trouble keeping up if she wanted to continue their
conversation.

“Beth
hasn’t been eating there, either. It’s really too far for her to come for lunch.
Observatory’s much closer to the science buildings where she has class
afterwards.”

“Oh.”
Was she trying to tell him the coast was clear?

“Yeah…so,
you know, it’s a pretty small crowd. Hope you have more time next week.”

Connor
slowed his pace. He
did
miss hearing friendly voices. The silence was
so much lonelier now than it had been in the past, when he hadn’t known
anything different.

He
gave her a weak smile. “Yeah. Me too.”

“Cool.”
She let out a little burst of breath, like she’d been waiting to exhale. “And
listen, I’m really sorry about pushing the whole Beth thing. I hope you don’t
think I’m a complete bitch for pestering you…but Beth’s been my friend since my
first year, and I was just trying to lend a hand.”

“It’s
fine.” Rapid footsteps resumed now that the conversation was turning in a
direction he wanted nothing to do with. “Hey, I gotta run.”

“What?
Now? I was hoping we could grab coffee or something. We should hang out for a
little while, ya know?”

Not if the conversation has anything to do with Beth
. “I really gotta run right now…but maybe this
weekend.”

“Well,
I’ve got the dance on Saturday,” Rebecca started, then trailed off. “But yeah,
sure, we’ll catch up later. Maybe tomorrow…oh, but you’re still going to join
the pit orchestra, right? Don’t they start tomorrow?”

“Um,
actually, I’m not sure I have time for it.”

Rebecca
took two swift steps to reach him and brought her hand down on his arm, pulling
him to a stop. “Connor,” she said sharply—gone was the friendly tone from
just a second ago. “Look, you don’t have to say anything, but just listen, okay?
I know something’s up. I can always tell with you because you’re…you’re like a
turtle. When something’s wrong you retract into this shell that you have, and
you stop hanging out with us and stop talking to people…and it kind of worries
me, okay? So you don’t have to tell me what’s wrong—I get that you don’t
want to talk about it. But just don’t drop off the face of the earth. And if it
was the thing with Beth, well, I can promise you that won’t be an issue
anymore.”

Connor
bit down on his tongue and used the pain to distract himself for a moment, but
he couldn’t escape Rebecca’s worried eyes for long. “O-okay.”

“So,
are you going to join the pit orchestra?”

Her
gaze bore into him, making her intention clear.
It’s not a question
.

“Um…yes?”

“With
more conviction, please.”

“Fine.
Yes.”

“That’s
better.” She released him, and normal easy-going Rebecca was back with her
innocent smile. “See you at lunch tomorrow!”

***

One, two, three, go.

Connor
gripped the metal door handle to the Student Activities Building and pulled. A
wall of noise immediately struck him. Everywhere he looked there was movement
and sound—people laughing, pointing, singing, dancing, shouting, dragging
set pieces and lights and costumes. The musicians were just as rowdy as the
cast and crew, erupting in random bits of melody and harmony as they showed off
their chops.

The
smiles were rampant, the atmosphere rife with the feel of
instant-camaraderie—very different from the classical music world he was
used to. He’d stick out like a sore thumb if he didn’t act friendlier than he
ever had in his entire life.

Clearly,
this was a terrible mistake.

He
shirked back against the door, battling his instincts.

Leave. Leave now.

No. You promised Rebecca.

Get the hell out before they see you.

But they need a violinist.
You gave your
word.

Well that was stupid, now wasn’t it.

He
closed his eyes and quieted the voices in his head, but he couldn’t shut out
all thought. This sort of thing was exactly why he needed Jared. If he could
have spoken to Jared, he would have aired all his concerns about socializing
with a group of complete strangers. And Jared would have comforted him, told
him he should just be himself, told him he was smart and talented and funny and
had nothing to fear.

But
he didn’t have Jared to bolster his self-esteem right now…and maybe, after his
emotional outburst the other day, he would never have him again.

A
ball of pain rose in his throat. He turned on his heels to march back to his
dorm—responsibility be damned—but a smiling girl suddenly appeared
in his path.

“I’m
Amy, the pit conductor. I’m gonna go out on a limb and guess you’re the
violinist?”

He
blinked once as she slid an arm around his shoulder and pulled him into her
slightly-padded frame. “Here, I’ll show you where to set up.”

Why
had he ever thought girls were easier to relate to? Now all they seemed to do was
foul things up.

He
remained mute as he unpacked his violin and set up his wreck of a stand beside
the stage. There was no actual pit, so the musicians just bunched up alongside
the raised black platform, trying to make themselves as inconspicuous as possible.
At least that aspect of playing in a pit suited him well enough.

“Only
one violinist? Damn, my dream come true,” he heard from behind him. Turning
reluctantly, he locked eyes with a short and wiry French horn player. “Just
kidding, man. I’m Ray.”

“Connor,”
Connor offered with a curt nod.

“Nice
ta meet ya. You really the only one of your kind here?”

After
a brief look around, Connor shrugged. “I guess so.”

“Now,
no offense, but you could see where that’d be exciting for those of us who are
used to bowing down to the sheer power of your numbers in orchestra.” Ray
smirked and ran a hand through brown hair frosted with bright blond tips.

Connor
mustered only the faint echo of a smile. Being comfortable with friendly banter
was not in the cards today.

“All
right, everyone!” Someone—probably the director—clapped his hands
several times. “Snap twice if you can hear me.”

The
actors and musicians complied, and everyone settled into position. But unlike
in orchestra, giddy smiles stayed firmly in place. Apparently, there was no
need to be as serious when performing a musical comedy as there was when
churning out baroque masterpieces.

The
house lights went down and they worked through the overture first. As soon as
Connor’s fingers touched the strings, his dread eased, his body finding comfort
in the familiar actions.

If
baroque music had stifled him, then the melodious stylings of Cole Porter
seemed to set him free. Here, as the only violinist, he was able to move his
body with the rhythms, bow however he chose, smile, frown, and just
feel
every note without worrying about how it made him look different from those
around him. He was
meant
to be different in this setting, as he was
the only one with that part to play. And no one would be able to see him in the
dark, anyway.

After
rehearsing the first three numbers multiple times, the lights flickered on for
a much-needed break. Connor slipped away from the crowd and out of the
building, seeking the safest place to wait out the respite.

He
sat crossed-legged on the ground and took out his phone. There were no more
missed calls from Jared, but he tried not to think about what that could mean. Perhaps
Jared was just busy. Maybe he was doing schoolwork, since he’d be losing a
large chunk of Saturday to the dance. He’d probably go out to dinner with his
friends first, before he and Veronica would make their entrance in the grand
ballroom, hand in hand…

Connor
grabbed the rough brick wall of the building’s exterior to haul himself up,
then rushed back into the din before his musings led him any further down that
dark path. At least the anxiety he felt inside was something he was used to. This
other feeling—bitter jealousy—was still foreign and completely
terrifying.

“Hey,
lone violinist, you’re pretty good.” Ray bumped him with his horn as he took
his seat. “This a cold read, or have you seen the music before?”

“Um…”
Connor stared at the exit door, but it was too late to retreat a second time. “I
listened to the instrumental music last night. It’s…pretty catchy.”

“Guess
you probably picked it up by ear—bet that’s a lot easier to do when you
always have the melody.”

“Oh
my God,” the trumpet player next to him cut in. “Will you get over your violin
envy already? If you wanted melody all the time, you shoulda chosen a different
instrument.”

Ray
smiled cheerfully. “I was only teasing. Connor knows that, right?”

“Break’s
over!” the director called out, sending the room into a flurry of motion as
actors rushed the stage. “Back to your places for
So in Love
!”

Relieved,
Connor took up his instrument and scanned the music. The violin had a small
solo in this one and he readied his fingers for it, glossing over the slanted
squiggles of lyrics written beneath the staffs.

But
they were much harder to ignore when heard out loud.

“Strange, dear, but true, dear,

When I’m close to you, dear,

The stars fill the sky,

So in love with you am I.

Even without you

My arms fold about you.

You know, darling why,

So in love with you am I.

In love with the night mysterious

The night when you first were there.

In love with my joy delirious

When I knew that you might care.

So taunt me and hurt me,

Deceive me, desert me,

I’m yours ’til I die,

So in love,

So in love,

So in love with you, my love, am I.”

Strangled
emotions nearly rushed out of him, but he used the strength his instrument
granted him and diverted most of them into the music instead. Only a small
amount made its way to his eyes, blurring his sight until he rapidly blinked
the moisture away. He played on resolutely, his notes ringing out at least an octave
above the other instruments and sweetly filling the air.