Social Skills (15 page)

When
the number ended he swiped an arm across his face, grateful yet again for the
dimmed lights. To his surprise, the actress on stage broke character for a
millisecond and gave him a wink, while Amy the pit conductor placed a hand on
her ample chest and mouthed, “
Perfect
.”

He
rested his violin and sat still, torn between the depressing thoughts the song
had conjured and an unusually strong sense of pleasure at a job well done. It
wasn’t clear which emotion would wind up in control.

“Hey.”
A finger jabbed into his side. “About before, I really was joking. You are
so
good. The pit’s lucky to have you,” Ray whispered.

A
tiny smile of pride found its way to Connor’s lips and stayed for about thirty
seconds, before thoughts of Veronica draped over Jared as they danced to some
overdone love song washed it away.

***

By
Saturday afternoon, he’d chewed a spot raw on the inside of his cheek. Unable
to concentrate on a single thing other than what Jared—
his
Jared—was out there doing with
just-a-friend Veronica, he remained in his room all day, consuming a box of Pop-Tarts
for sustenance. At around eight o’clock he turned out the lights and stared at
videos on his computer screen until his eyes hurt.

When
sleep finally came, it was mercifully deep—the kind where his body pulled
him down into slumber like a dead weight. Several hours later, the gentle
knocks at his door blended into his dreams, adding a tap-tap-tap rhythm to the
music playing through his mind.

Tap-tap-tap
became
rap-rap-rap
, louder
and faster. The music crescendoed into a fury of colors and noise, ending in an
explosion that finally jarred him from REM.

Rap-rap-rap
.

He
bolted upright, adrenaline coursing through his body.

“Connor,
open the door!”

The
green glow of his clock read two-thirteen—hardly the normal time to
expect a visit from Jared.

“What?”
Connor mumbled, using his arm to shield his sensitive eyes from the hallway
light.

“Can
I come in?”

Without
a word, Connor stepped back, and Jared entered, flicking on the lights behind
him. Connor recoiled deeper into his arm and let out a groan.

“Sorry.
Were you asleep?”

“I
tend to do that at night.”

Jared
grinned. “I like it when you’re sarcastic. It’s such a rare treat.”

Still
caught in the fog of sleep, Connor struggled to focus on the significance of
Jared’s presence. “Jared…it’s two a.m. What…what are you doing here?”

Jared
fidgeted with something in his hands. “I got you something.”

“You
what?” Connor yawned.

“Here.”
Jared thrust a white plastic bag at him, and Connor peeked inside to find a
matte-black collapsible music stand. “That one you have is like the Leaning
Tower of Pisa, so I thought I’d get you a new one. This one looked more sturdy.”

“Oh.”
Connor nodded, waking faculties slowly returning. “Um, thanks.”

“I
actually ordered it a little while ago. I was gonna save it for your birthday
or something, but I just felt like giving it to you now.”

Connor
turned the stand over in his hands. Maybe he was still dreaming…but if he was,
he hoped he wouldn’t wake up. “Uh, I didn’t know we were celebrating two o’clock
in the morning, or I’d have gotten you something, too.”

Jared
shook his head and took a step forward. “I just don’t want you to be mad at me
anymore. If it makes you feel any better, I was miserable the whole time. All I
could think of was you.”

“Um…yeah,
I guess that makes me feel a little better.” Connor set the stand down and
scratched at the corner of his mouth, wiping away some dried saliva.

“C’mere,
baby,” Jared said, and pulled Connor close.

Baby.
Connor
trembled against Jared’s body, his heart melting while other parts of him became
decidedly less soft. He only reached Jared’s chest when he wasn’t on tiptoes,
and he rested his head there, closing his eyes and finding the rhythm of Jared’s
heartbeat. Jared stroked his back and they swayed together in perfect timing
with the music in his head, driven by the percussion of both their hearts.

“Okay,
I’m not mad anymore.” Connor’s lips pressed into the fabric of Jared’s shirt.

Jared
broke away and began toeing off his shoes.

“What
are you doing?”

“Spending
the night…if that’s okay.”

“The
night? The whole night? Won’t Ben wonder where you are?”

Jared
paused. A flash of apprehension ran across his face, but he shrugged it off as
he climbed into bed. “I’ll…I’ll just make something up. Don’t worry about it,
just get over here.”

Connor
relented, wrapping himself securely in Jared’s arms, in that place where he
just
fit
. For all that he pretended to be annoyed when Jared teased
him about his size, there really was no better feeling than being wholly
encompassed in Jared’s embrace.

Sleep
took hold of him despite his arousal, and he’d almost nodded off again when he
heard Jared draw in a sharp breath that got trapped somewhere in his throat.

He sought
Jared’s eyes and found the pools of deep brown studying him. And there was a
look in that gaze, one he couldn’t remember seeing before, or at least not with
such intensity. They shone with something dark, and definitely not happy. Confusion?
Worry?

Jared
threaded a hand into Connor’s hair and stroked his temple. “I…I want to spend
more time with you, Connor…do more things with you,” he whispered, his voice
hoarse. “I just don’t know. I don’t know if…I mean, I’m not sure if I could…if
I could ever…”

Possessed
by a need to erase the strange look from Jared’s beautiful eyes, Connor
stretched up and kissed him. A smile emerged as he drew away. He was far too
tired to analyze what Jared was saying—or trying to say—and the
only thing that mattered right then was that Jared was holding him. That
had
to mean everything was going to be
okay.

“I
have a concert coming up right before spring break. Maybe you could come to
that.” He snuggled back into Jared’s body.

“Yeah,
maybe,” Jared murmured, mouth brushing against Connor’s ear. “I love hearing
you play.”

Connor
closed his eyes to drift off fitfully.

When
he awoke, he found Jared kneeling by the side of the bed, the golden-yellow
light of the dawn he so rarely saw casting a glow about the room.

He
smiled drowsily.
Jared
really had stayed the entire night.

“What
are you doing?”

Jared
looked over with a sheepish grin. “My shoe went under the bed.” He lifted the
wayward sneaker to display it, then sat on the edge of the mattress. “Sorry,
didn’t mean to wake you.”

“It’s
okay. I’m glad you did.”

“Yeah.”
Jared leaned over and ran a finger along Connor’s cheek. “I mean, I was going
to say goodbye.” He moved in for a kiss.

“Don’t,
I’ll have morning breath!” Connor tried to squirm away.

But
Jared nailed him squarely on the lips anyhow, his normal cocky smirk back in
its rightful place. “Bye, baby. I’ll see you later.”

Connor
fell asleep again with a smile, dreaming of a morning when they could wake up
in slow luxury, still tangled in each other’s arms.

Chapter Fifteen

“All
right, let’s get this show on the road!”

“I
don’t have to be there until five.” Connor stepped back from the doorway to let
Jared in. “You’re like an hour early.”

“So
sue me. Maybe I wanted to catch you in your boxers.” Jared dropped his backpack
and reached out to snap the band of Connor’s underwear.

Connor
playfully slapped him away. “But I have to practice still. I always do a quick
run-through to make sure I’m ready.”

“As
if you weren’t,” Jared scoffed. “I bet you could play that stuff in your sleep.”

“Maybe,
but I still like to have it under my fingers once before we go on. It’s
tradition.”

Jared’s
hands came down on his shoulders, his strong fingers kneading deep into the
muscle. “Don’t you think we could postpone tradition? Just for a few minutes?”

“Jared…”

“What?
You can’t just stand there half-naked and not expect a response. I’m only human.
C’mon, let’s start a new tradition.”

Without
waiting for an answer, Jared plucked him off the ground and carried him to the
bed.

“But…”
Connor found himself flat on his back with Jared gloating above him. “But I
should…I should really…” The protests were meek, even by his standards. Any
real objection died the moment Jared’s lips pressed into his chest.

“I
sh-should…”

“Quiet,”
Jared commanded. He pulled down Connor’s boxers and teased him with a couple
gentle strokes until the only thing Connor could mumble were partially stifled
pleas for more.

With
one eyebrow raised smugly, Jared brought his lips to Connor’s dick. “Don’t tell
me this isn’t better than practicing,” he whispered before slipping him into
his mouth.

Left
with only half an hour after their romp, Connor scrambled to shower and dress, opting
to forgo the last-minute practice session. Jared was right; he didn’t really
need to rehearse anymore. The music had been burned into his head and his
fingers for months now, and the truth was he couldn’t wait to get it out and
make room for newer, more exciting material.

Jared
stared at him unabashedly as he fixed his cummerbund and bowtie, making him squirm.

“Shit,”
Jared said. “If I’d known how hot you were gonna look all dressed up, I’d have
come even earlier.”

Cheeks
blooming red, Connor tried to turn away, but Jared caught him with a finger
under his chin.

“Guess
I’ll just have to wait ’til afterwards,” Jared murmured, his skin still flush
with a post-orgasm glow. He tilted Connor’s face up so he could press their
lips together, and the gentle peck soon deepened into a full-blown,
open-mouthed kiss.

A stirring
in Connor’s pants confirmed what he had realized for some time—it simply
wasn’t fair they so rarely had time for seconds. He pulled back reluctantly,
smoothing out his clothes. “Yeah, afterwards.”

Jared
noted his erection with a sly smile, but let Connor finish getting ready in
peace. Then he grabbed his backpack and Connor’s violin, slinging them both
over his shoulder before Connor could protest. “All right,
now
let’s
get this show on the road.”

***

Connor
took a program on his way into the hall—his mother liked to collect
them—and frowned once again at the concert’s offerings. Baroque music
would probably end up putting Jared to sleep. He just hoped it wouldn’t turn
him off from orchestra concerts altogether.

“Hey.”
Rebecca greeted him as he reached the backstage practice room. “You’re five
minutes late. I was about to send out a search party.”

He
rolled his eyes and bit his lip to stop the smile. “I was practicing.”

“Sure
you were.” She braced her violin against her thigh, and her D string warbled
around until she brought it to the right pitch. “Aren’t you going to warm up?”

“Yeah,
yeah.” Connor snapped into action, a smile spreading despite his best efforts. He
planted himself on the ground with his case, but before he could open it, an
unfamiliar bulge in the outside music pocket caught his eye.

He
unzipped it quickly and drew in a sharp, startled breath.

A single
red rose lay inside, slightly crushed, but still beautiful. Attached to it was
a small note card, and across that was Jared’s unruly handwriting, springing
about the paper like his dark curls tumbled from his head.

Just
wanted to wish you luck, even though I know you don’t need it. Break a leg, and
all that good stuff.

There
was no signature, but that didn’t really matter. It was more than enough, just
as it was. Connor held the notecard to his lips, closing his eyes and filing
the moment of happiness in the stores of his mind to be relived over and over
again.

“You
have a secret admirer!” Rebecca’s voice exploded near his ear.

His
hand clenched around the note, crushing it, and he frantically shoved the rose
back inside his case.

“Or
do you know who it is?” she pressed.

“What?
N-no…no…I…”

His
face burned, his tongue became clumsy and heavy in his mouth, and his brain sputtered
to a complete stop, offering nothing of intelligence for him to say.

“Connor,”
Rebecca said, giving his shoulder a light shake. “Connor.”

If
only he
had
been born with a shell to
hide in whenever life became too uncomfortable to bear.

“Connor.”
With a flash of dirty-blond hair, Rebecca whirled him around. He stumbled to his
feet as he was dragged out of the room.

She
pulled him into a tiny practice module and shut the door behind them. “Connor,
listen, I know it’s none of my business, but I’m gonna say it anyway. It’s
okay.”

“What?”
He shook his head.

“I
mean, it’s okay if you’re gay.”

It’s okay if you’re gay.
That rhymed. That rhymed and Rebecca had just said it.
Out loud. To him.

Dizziness
consumed him and he collapsed into a chair.

“I
just wanted you to know that. It’s okay by me. It’d be okay by all my friends,
too. Even Beth. I promise you.”

“Wh—”
He wheezed, swallowed, and tried again. “Why…how…how’d you…”

“How’d
I know? Well, honestly I’ve been suspecting ever since the thing with Beth…but
really that note sealed the deal. I have lousy handwriting for a girl, but that
was guy handwriting if I ever saw it.”

“Oh…r-right.”

“And
I’m totally not trying to pressure you or anything, but just so you know, if
you ever wanted to get involved with gay life on campus, a friend of mine is
the president of the Queer Student Union.”

If he wanted to get involved?
She must’ve taken leave of her senses—just as he
had.

“Um…I…I
d-don’t think…”

“Don’t
worry, I won’t say anything to anyone. I just wanted you to know the option was
out there. I promise, I’ll butt out. Like I said, I know it’s none of my
business.”

Connor
put his head between his knees, concentrating on his breathing. He didn’t have
his inhaler with him, and the last thing he wanted to add to this calamity was
a panic-induced asthma attack.

“I’m
gonna go get warmed up,” Rebecca said quietly. “And Connor? I’m glad you have
someone.”

“Yeah,”
he mumbled into his lap. “I’ll…I’ll be right there.”

He
spent five more minutes sitting in the dark before fear of being late pushed
him out. Rebecca smiled at him but kept her distance, granting him the
much-needed time to process things on his own.

Making
sure no one was near, he straightened out the crumpled note and folded it
neatly, then tucked the white square into his pocket.

Rebecca
knows,
his mind whispered.
Rebecca
knows and it’s okay.
He wanted to smile, to feel relief, but he couldn’t
just yet. She may have made it clear it wasn’t going to change their
friendship, but she also knew he
had someone
—a someone who didn’t
want to be found out.

They
filed onto the stage with all the other musicians and took their seats as the
concert began. After a quick scan of the audience, Connor spotted Jared sitting
only a few rows out from the front.

Jared
gave him a goofy little wave, and despite his unease, Connor smiled back.

“Oh
my God,” Rebecca interrupted the moment of relief. “
Him?
”

“Rebecca…n-no…”
he stuttered, but he could see by her face she already knew.
If there were
ever a moment for a shell…

She
opened her mouth to say more, but was cut off by the applause as the conductor
took the stage.

For
once, Connor was grateful for the technical demands of Baroque music. If they’d
been playing something that required less precision, he might not have been
able to stay focused on the performance. But the little sixteenth notes that
marched across the page kept his mind occupied and off the small disaster that
had just unfolded. And as long as he didn’t think about it, there was a chance
he could go on pretending like it had never happened. Maybe Rebecca would even
go along with that, too.

He kept
himself on track all the way until the middle of Sammartini’s Symphony in C Major,
when his eyes drifted from the page at a part he knew from memory. They were
immediately drawn to Jared—for comfort, maybe, or for one more reassuring
smile.

But
the sight that greeted him made his fingers slip, and it took several seconds
before he was able to locate his place in the music again.

Rebecca
shot him a startled look; she’d never heard him mess up in a performance before.
As soon as they had a measure of rest she whispered, “Don’t worry, no one heard
it.”

He
ignored her. He didn’t care if anyone had heard his mistake or not. His gaze was
stuck on Jared, and on the figure by his side—dark-haired,
delicately-featured Veronica.

Her thin
arm stuck out from an oversized t-shirt and wound around Jared’s. In a few
seconds, she’d probably be holding his hand.

Connor
turned back to the black notes on the white sheet music in front of him. They
were neat and orderly, clear and easy to follow. They made sense to him. They
had one meaning each, and if he followed all the rules, he was rewarded by the
correct sound emerging from his instrument.

Life
was nowhere near as clear…but then again, maybe that was because he’d gone and
broken the rules.

***

He
threw his violin in its case with as little care as he ever had, purposefully
ducking away from Rebecca before she could find him amid the other players at
the close of the concert. He scrambled out the back entrance and took off for
Jared’s car, half-expecting to see Jared and Veronica seated in it, driving
away. No one was there when he arrived, though, so he leaned against the brown
monstrosity and let his lids fall closed.

“Hey,
there you are. I was looking everywhere for you.”

He
opened his eyes again to see Jared standing in front of him, alone. Some time must
have passed, because the parking lot was filling with the well-dressed patrons.

Jared
hadn’t dressed any differently than normal, but the expression he wore was an aggravated
one. “I thought we said we’d meet by the stairs.”

Clinging
to the echoes of sixteenth notes to remain calm, Connor shook his head. “Had to
get out of there.”

“Uh,
okay.” Jared scratched his temple. “Well, let’s go then.”

He
unlocked his door and stretched across to open Connor’s, which still refused to
budge from the outside. Connor tossed his violin into the backseat and sat with
his body pivoted away. They made the drive in silence, but once they’d reached his
dorm, Jared parked in a shadowy alcove and leaned over to get his attention.

“Hey,”
he said softly, moving in for a kiss. “What’s the matter?”

“Nothing,”
Connor muttered. Better to keep his useless anger bottled up than to let it
out, where it might cause…

“Huh.”
Jared backed off and crossed his arms. “Right. Well, your lips are usually a
lot more malleable when I do that. And you’ve been in a pissy mood since the
concert let out. What, you messed up or something?”

The
cork popped. “What was
she
doing there?”

Jared
rolled his eyes. “Uh, it was open to the public, wasn’t it? She asked me what I
was doing tonight, I said I was going to the orchestra concert for a class
assignment…and she just showed up. It’s not like I invited her.”

“But…she…she
was touching you!” The words grew louder by the syllable. “She was trying to
hold your hand!”

“Well,
I didn’t let her!” Jared retorted, voice rising in volume to match. “She’s just
really needy right now. She’s having some sort of fight with her suitemates…she
thinks they’re all out to get her…Hell, I don’t know. I don’t want to tell her
to piss off, but I swear to God I’m not sleeping with her. That’s what you’re
really afraid of, isn’t it?”