Social Skills (18 page)

“
Connor!
”
His mother’s shout carried down the long hallway that led to the master bedroom.
“Come here, I need to speak to you.”

Melissa
met his weary gaze for a moment before he rolled to face the wall and bury his
head in a pillow. He pressed his fingernails deeper into his arm than ever
before, actually
wanting
to draw blood. Heat rose in his skin and
quickening breaths caught in his chest. It was too much. He couldn’t handle any
more of his mother—not this day, maybe not even this month. Or ever.

But
a moment later, the cool comfort of darkness blanketed the room. Melissa had
turned off the lights.

“Connor’s
asleep, Mom,” she hollered. “He said he had a headache. Do you think you could
help me with the poetry assignment Mrs. Eddleton wants us to do before we get
back to school?”

A
few long seconds ticked by.

“Yes,
Melissa. Bring it over here. We can take a look at it.”

Relief
washed over Connor, the power of it causing a few tears to fall, though the
pillowcase immediately soaked them up.

Melissa
left the room and shut the door behind her.

***

He
awoke far too early. Sleep was the only release he had, and he tried to keep
his lids closed so he wouldn’t have to face the day just yet.

But
it was a lost cause. His parents were stirring downstairs, and in a little
while they’d be knocking at his door, wanting to know why he hadn’t shown his
face yet. He absentmindedly reached up to feel how swollen his eyes were,
though he’d cried less that night than he had in several days.

Stretching,
he tossed his blanket aside and knocked his cell phone off his nightstand. It
immediately buzzed to life.

He
stopped breathing, his mind exploding with insane hopes
. It could be Jared
.
It could be Jared, calling to make things right, calling to apologize, calling
to pull him from his depression and make it seem like nothing more than an
awful dream. He almost started to cry again, just from the sheer stupidity of
his fantasies.

Still,
he couldn’t reach out to the phone for several seconds, wanting to keep that
hope alive for as long as possible. When he finally did grab for it, he kept
his thumb over the screen for one more instant.

Please,
God. Please.
He moved the finger
away slowly.

It
wasn’t Jared. It hadn’t been the last eight or nine times his phone had rung
since that day, either. It had been and still was Rebecca.

He
hovered over the ignore button. He couldn’t talk to her. He couldn’t talk to
anyone. He would just continue to avoid everyone, returning to school and
finding a whole new way of life, without anyone else in it.

He
could keep hiding.

How
had everything fallen apart so quickly? Everything he’d worked so hard to
attain—a meager social life, a relationship…
happiness
. All gone
in the blink of an eye.

His
phone stopped ringing and then bleeped with a missed call. A second later, it
rang again.

An
accelerando
took control of his heart,
making the beats come faster and faster, sending a nervous energy coursing
through his body. He knew what
it
wanted—for him to curl up into
a ball and stay there, indefinitely. But his mind was screaming as well,
telling him something else:
You can’t give up, not yet!
And as much as
he wanted to ignore everything that had happened—was happening—and
chalk it up to purely external forces…he couldn’t
.
There were still a
few decisions left for him to make.

He
closed his eyes and answered. “H-hello?”

“Oh!”
Relief flowed through Rebecca’s voice. “I didn’t know you were there. I was
just going to leave a message. But I’m so glad I got a hold of you.”

“Um,
yeah.”

“I
didn’t see you that whole week after the concert, you know. I’ve been trying to
reach you. I guess…I guess I just wanted to make sure things were okay between
us. I’ve been thinking, it was such a stupid move on my part to open my mouth
like that. I’m really sorry.”

“It’s…um,
it’s okay.”

“So,
we’re cool then?”

If
she hadn’t found out…
He cut off the
thought before it could go any further. It didn’t really matter, anyway. Someone
would have found out sometime.

“Connor?
You still there?”

“Y-yes.”

“Is…is
everything all right?”

The
seemingly never-ending supply of tears sprang back into action.
No,
everything is not all right.

“Connor?”

He
took in what felt like the longest breath of his life and held it, hovering on
the edge of a decision before finally releasing.

“Rebecca…I
think…I think I need someone to talk to.”

***

She
sat on the corner of his bed, her long legs drawn up to her chest, her dirty-blond
hair draped across one shoulder.

It
was weird seeing her there. Actually, it was weird seeing anyone there—he
so rarely had friends up to his room. But he wasn’t really surprised she’d
offered to rush right over. The drive was only about forty minutes, and she was
just that kind of person.

She
had been all along.

“It’s
not my fault, is it?” She spoke softly as she arranged her long flower skirt
around her ankles. “Because I opened my big mouth?”

He
shook his head, pulling the desk chair over so he could sit in front of her, until
she grabbed his arm and yanked him onto the bed. “N-no. It…it just happened. It
would have happened eventually.”

She
removed her Birkenstock sandals and nudged him with her foot. “Well, I’m sorry
anyways. Sometimes I meddle too much for my own good—I thought you
knowing that I knew would make things better, not worse.”

“You
didn’t do anything wrong.” He sighed, situating himself a little closer to her
tall shoulders than he ever had been before. “Besides, it’s probably better
that it was you finding out and not someone who could cause trouble for him.”

Rebecca
scowled. “You shouldn’t really be thinking about what’s best for
him
right
now. He hurt you, Connor. It’s okay to be mad.”

He
found the strength to put on a weak smile. “I’m…I’m fine.”

“Really?
You’re okay?” She peered at him with one of her pale brows arched doubtfully.

“Yes.”

“Really?”

“Yes.
I just…needed to get what happened off my chest, and you’re the only person I
can talk to.” He bit his lip, cursing his choice of words. “N-not that you’re
not a good person to talk to. You’re a great person, in fact.”

Rebecca
narrowed her eyes. “So, you’re totally fine now.”

He
nodded.

“Because
you don’t look it.”

“W-what?
What do you mean?”

She
scrunched her lips to the side, studying him. “Well, you’ve got big dark
circles under your eyes, like you’ve been crying. And you look like you’ve lost
weight since the last time I saw you, which was less than two weeks ago.”

He
backed up, stunned by her bluntness. “I…I…”

A
few tears fell, and, still in shock, he didn’t push them away. Two more
followed before he pressed both palms into his face to cover his shame. He’d
managed to keep from bawling in front of Jared, in front of his mother, in
front of Melissa…and now here he was letting his closest friend see how
weak
he truly was.

Rebecca
wrapped her arms around him and pulled him against her chest. “I’m so sorry,
honey. I’m so sorry this happened to you.”

He
tried to back out of the embrace, shaking his head as he finally regained some
emotional control. “I’m sorry. I don’t know why I’m being so stupid right now.”

“How
you feel is not stupid,” Rebecca countered, refusing to release him. “I said it
before—it’s okay to be upset, it’s okay to be mad, it’s okay to be hurt. You
can’t help how you feel.”

Connor
gave in, melting into the embrace. “I just…I just miss him so much. And I know
I’m an idiot…but there were times…there were times when I really felt he might…he
might actually l-lo—”

He
had to stop to avoid hiccupping the words. Words that shouldn’t be said,
anyhow.

Rebecca
stroked his hair. “I’m sure he cared for you, but if you ask me, he was being
selfish. He should never have made you feel like you had to lie for him, or
like you didn’t deserve to be recognized.”

“I…I
knew it couldn’t last. But I was just so happy to find someone…and Jared, he’s
so far out of my league that I—”

Rebecca
cut him off. “Connor, you’re an amazing guy. You deserve more than what he had
to offer. I don’t care how good looking or popular you think he is.”

Connor
fell silent, pushing a little harder against her. Rebecca’s closeness calmed
him, and it wasn’t often he got that sensation around people. Jared had been
the only other one to inspire those feelings of
safety
—and what he’d felt there might not even have been
real.

She
eased up on the hug and he wiped off the remains of his earlier tears.

“I
guess I knew things couldn’t last the way they were,” he finally spoke,
relieved to hear his voice settling into a normal tone. “I just didn’t want to
face reality.”

“Well,
it’s his loss. He’s missing out on something great.”

Connor
pulled away, unable to give her the smile he knew she was looking for. “Thanks.”

“Don’t
mention it.” She grinned for him, giving his shoulder a little shake. “Now,
what are we going to do about this?”

“A-about
what?”

“I’d
say we need a plan of action.”

“A
what?”

Rebecca
frowned, then exhaled heavily through puffed-out cheeks. “You’re probably going
to hate me when this is all over…but when we get back to school, I’m not going
to let you hide in your room, all depressed and alone. We need to get you out,
as much as possible for as long as possible.”

He
closed his eyes. “No. I’m no good to anyone right now. I wouldn’t be able to
act right or enjoy anything…”

She
clapped both hands on his shoulders, forcing him to look at her. “Then you fake
it.”

“What?”

“You
go out there, and just
pretend
like you’re having a good time, and you’re
bound to actually have some fun, eventually. The main thing is that you’re
distracting yourself, keeping your mind off being hurt by him.”

“You
want me to fake that I’m having fun?”

“Exactly.
I know you might not feel like being around people now, but trust me, being
around friends is one of the best ways to move on from a bad breakup. And you
do have friends, you know.” She gave him a pointed look.

He
swallowed. “Yeah, I know, but –”

“No
buts. Like I said, you may hate me, but if you try and hide I’ll be at your
door, pounding on it until you’re forced to open it and get out of that room.”

For
some reason, he had no doubt she was telling the truth.

“You’ll
go out, you’ll have new experiences, you’ll meet new people…eventually maybe
even a new guy…”

Connor’s
snort interrupted her, and though he quickly silenced himself, she waited
patiently for an explanation. He sighed. “Rebecca, I’m sure you’ve noticed…but
I don’t exactly have the best people skills. Jared’s the one—” He swiped
angrily at his eyes. Why couldn’t he even say Jared’s name without tearing up? “Jared’s
the one who encouraged me to hang out more with you guys—to get to be
better friends.”

“Well,
he got one thing right, then,” she said brightly.

He
refused to be cheered by that, as true as it was. “And meeting a new
guy…
I
just don’t see…I don’t see how that would ever be possible.”

“Yeah,
I guess it would be kinda difficult to meet a guy when you’re…” Trailing off,
she glanced around the room as if searching for insight. “Have you ever thought
about coming out? Not that I’m trying to force you into anything—I’m just
curious.”

He
shrugged. “I guess I’ve
thought
about it.”

“Well,
are you expecting a bad reaction, from your parents, maybe?”

Shaking
his head, he grabbed a fistful of comforter and began twisting. “My parents don’t
hate gay people. It’s just…they have all these plans for me…and they don’t like
it when things upset their plans.”

Rebecca
laid her hand on his to still his restless fingers. “Connor, at this age, I
really feel like the only one who should be making plans with
your
life…is
you.
”

His
cheeks burned. He
did
sound like a
pathetic little boy, waiting for his mommy and daddy to decide his future. But he’d
never really known any other way.