Soldier from Heaven (9781629021911) (12 page)

I sobbed gently but with great sorrow and longing. I was feeling the tremendous void in my life that I created myself. It was me that pushed Jesus away from me. At the time I needed him most, I pushed him away. But I was so sorry and begging for him once more. I began to feel a warmth come over me that seemed to embrace me. My tears began to fall more steadily as I felt myself letting go somehow. The reservations, resentments, and bitterness that were leaving my body were being replaced with a sense of peace, hope, and spirituality. The Holy Spirit was coming upon me and blessing me with God’s grace that I had been missing for such a long time. My tears soon dried up and I looked up to Jesus and said,

“Thank you. I accept you again and forever. I will let you lead me. I ask that you fill my son Jacob with hope and with your spirit. I have faith that you will heal him.”

I had found the peace that I needed to move on. God was not to blame for Pete’s death, man was. God was not to blame for my sorrow, I was. And now I had to pass this on to my son Jacob so that he could heal as well. But the Holy Spirit was already doing his work with Jacob, and I didn’t know it.

I went directly to my mother’s house to pick up my children with a renewed sense of hope and duty as a mother. Before I was even able to close the car door, Jacob came running from my mother’s house. He ran to me and embraced me.

“Mommy, Mommy, guess what.”

“What sweetie?”

“I feel better.”

“What?”

“I feel better. A little while ago when I was sitting by the pool by myself I started to feel warm, but not normal warm or hot like when the sun heats us up. I felt like huggy warm, like when you hug me on a cold night. It was the best feeling I ever had. And then I heard a whisper saying, ‘I’m here with you my child.’ I hope you believe me, Mom. I know it was Jesus.”

“I believe you Jacob. Oh, I believe you,” I said sobbing with tears of joy as I hugged him so tightly.

“You do, Mommy?” He looked at me as he spoke those words with an innocent and peaceful smile on his face. He too had tears falling down his face. “Do you really?”

“I really do, Jacob. We are going to be just fine. I know that today the Holy Spirit came upon both of us. I prayed so hard today at church and realized we can’t truly heal without Jesus. I prayed that he would help you too. And he did.”

“He really did, Mommy. I’m going to be the man of the house that Daddy wants me to be. I’ll do my best in school and not make you sad.”

“You never make me sad, Jacob. You were the first miracle of my life. The day you were born, and even before, you were the answer to my prayers. You made me a mommy, and I thank God everyday for you. Just the thought of you chases my sadness away. You never have to worry about making me sad. Please don’t think you have to do anything to take care of me. It’s my job to take care of you. But yes, you do have a job and that’s to help me at home. Thank you for wanting to do that for me. I love you Jacob, and I’m so happy this happened to us today.”

“Me too, Mommy. I love you.”

Jacob and I were always very close but that moment made our bond even deeper, even more spiritual.

It’s amazing how God answers our prayers. It’s not always on our time, and it’s not always with such grandeur, but most times it’s unmistakable. I pleaded for Jesus that day and opened myself up to him, and he came. I prayed for my son in a way that he may not have known how, and the Holy Spirit went to my son. I’m thankful Jacob was opened up enough to accept the blessings. For years, I struggled with the scrutiny that many Christians put the Catholic Church under. Many Christians considered themselves born again which meant they were saved. Some of those Christians would reject the possibility that Christians from denominational churches could also be saved. I always disagreed with that. True, I don’t think that just because you go to church you are saved. I agree that you have to fully accept Jesus into your life to go to Heaven, and not all people who go to church have done that. Going through the motions isn’t enough. It’s only in surrendering to Jesus that we can be born again. I had surrendered myself to Jesus early in life and tried every day to live by his will, but then rejected my savior at my greatest time of need. It happens to many, I’m sure. After all, we are human. But that day in the chapel, I finally called him again. I guess you could say, at that moment I was born again. Perhaps some people go through that process more than once. With all of the tragedy, temptations, and evil in the world, it’s inevitable that we humans fail sometimes. I do know that living for Jesus is an everyday struggle as we are surrounded by the trials and evils of this world. We humans are imperfect but our God is forgiving. I also know that no matter what church people belong to, if they love and accept Jesus as their savior and surrender themselves to him, they are made worthy of the promises of Christ.

Chapter 12

A Lot to be Thankful For

Since that wonderful day in September, all seemed to be peaceful. Of course, there were still some obstacles of which I needed Pete’s help. Dealing with life insurance claims and death benefits from the government was stressful. It felt that every time I had to deal with the paperwork, the wounds of Pete’s death would surface. Thankfully, he was there to comfort me and give me the strength to complete the unpleasant tasks. College funds were paid off and so was our house. The benefits helped us to live in much greater comfort, but I felt guilty about that. I would have rather struggled financially than to have lost my husband. Of course, Pete helped me get over that as well. He made me believe it was his gift to us in death. Jacob, Ben, and Mary would be guaranteed the best education possible, and I would be taken care of and not left with financial insecurities. Pete made it all better.

November had crept up fast. Halloween was a blink, and we were preparing for Turkey Day. I had a feeling of dread as it would be the first big holiday without Pete. Matt always traveled to be with his parents and our family would always spend the day with my parents. Pete and my father would bond by the television and tease my mother and me as we prepared the meal. I would argue with my husband about turning off the television while we ate. But that first Thanksgiving after Pete’s death would not have the laughter of him in the background as we cooked or the opportunity for me to tell him to turn off the TV. No, I wasn’t looking forward to Thanksgiving Day.

The Sunday before Thanksgiving, we all went to my parents’ house for dinner. I talked to my father about my dread of Thanksgiving. My father was a very paternal being and always took care of our family. He was a retired police officer which just added to his aura of being very protective. My dad, John, was very easy to talk to and was very good at talking me through problems and frustrations. I think he felt the need to solve my problems when I went to him for advice. And he actually did always offer great suggestions.

“I’m kind of dreading Thanksgiving this year, Dad.”

“I’m sure you are. Pete hasn’t been gone too long, and it will be the first time without him. We’re all going to miss him. But if you get through this one, it will be easier.”

“I know, but I just don’t know how I’m going to handle the empty chair. I’ve been doing great lately but, you know, it’s Thanksgiving.”

“If you don’t want to come over we’ll understand. I don’t think that would be a good idea to avoid it or be without us, but whatever you are comfortable with, we’ll do. If you want us to come to your house, that’s fine too.”

“I don’t know, Dad. I don’t want to make it obvious to the boys. They are expecting a Thanksgiving Day here like every year. I don’t want to give it up. I just don’t want to cry either.”

“Well, Catherine, we could change our tradition for this year.”

“What do you mean?”

“Every year you comment about the soup kitchens they feature on the news, and say one day you want to take your children to serve food on Thanksgiving. You want them to get a firsthand look at the many people and children who do not have anything so they can develop more empathy for them and appreciate what they have. How about we finally put that idea into action?”

“That’s a great idea, Dad,” I said with excitement and a sudden release of the sadness I had just been feeling. “You know Dad, I think with some of the money I received, I’ll offer to pay for the food this year. Yeah, I’ll call Father Alex, who runs the soup kitchen downtown and arrange it. I hope it isn’t too late to plan this.”

“I’m sure it isn’t, and I’m sure he’ll welcome the help.”

“Thanks, Dad. This is the perfect year to do this. I can’t wait. We can even have our Thanksgiving dinner there when we finish serving. What a great way to truly thank God that day.”

I contacted Father Alex on Monday and arranged to buy the food. While my boys were at school on Tuesday, my mother watched Mary while I went to the soup kitchen to help prepare the food. I was feeling so happy to help, and I just kept thinking about all of the people that we would feed and make happy that day. We would all be doing Jesus’ work and helping those poor men, women, and children to see the love of Christ through us. I just couldn’t wait until Thanksgiving. The dread was replaced with anticipation.

It was Thanksgiving morning and our routine was to change drastically. We wouldn’t stay in our pajamas all morning eating donuts and watching the Thanksgiving Day parades on television. Instead, we would rush to get dressed and head down to the soup kitchen to prepare for the crowds. My parents took Mary for the morning and would later bring her downtown to help. Jacob, Ben, and I rushed out and headed to the kitchen.

The boys were both unhappy about having to go but also looked forward to helping others. After all, they were children and didn’t grasp the magnitude of this gesture. Once we were there, they eagerly began setting up the table decorations and making the room look festive. I could see on their faces they were having more fun than they first expected. When they finished one task, they would ask what else they could do. Jacob was great at making stuffing, and Ben was a champion potato masher. They kept reminding me that they wanted to help serve the food. I assured them that they would. Throughout the setup, Jacob and Ben asked questions about the type of people that would show up, specifically the children. It was hard for them to understand that there were indeed homeless children and families. Jacob, especially, understood poverty, but couldn’t imagine what it was like to truly live it. I was so proud of my boys as I listened to their dialogue and watched their busy hands. I wondered why we hadn’t done that sooner but quickly realized that it was the best time to start.

It wasn’t long until it was time to let in the crowds. The room quickly had a long line formed which continued out the door. The guests looked so happy to be walking into a warm room filled with the enticing aromas of turkey, corn, seasoned stuffing, chocolate chip cookies, apple pie, and so many more delightful scents. The faces of the many children were decorated with glowing smiles through dirty little cheeks topped with unkept hair. Although the families weren’t very clean, many of them had clearly made the effort to look their best. They were going to a five star meal in their eyes. I knew that the overjoyed faces I was looking at were actually covering up their daily feelings of despair, hunger, and hopelessness. It was a wonderful feeling knowing for at least that day, they would be thankful for the full bellies and the ability to feed their families.

Jacob and Ben enjoyed filling the dishes of the guests, and I noticed they were giving the children extra vegetables. I smiled as I remembered the many times that they complained about the meals I cooked. They didn’t like the vegetable I made or the way I prepared the chicken. I would always tell them that poor children who didn’t get a meal everyday would love to have my meals and that they would love the vegetables. I also pushed healthy choices on my children, telling them how vegetables were important to keep them healthy. I think those extra servings were my boys’ way of making sure the children got a good dose of health that day.

Once the tables were full and my parents had arrived with Mary to supervise, Jacob and Ben made their rounds with the desserts. They looked like professional little waiters and had so much fun serving and refilling drinks. As the children finished up, Ben and Jacob led them to the area filled with the toys we bought for them. Ben was having a ball playing with the other children, and Jacob was acting like a wonderful adult helping the little ones play. The cultural barriers simply weren’t there. Ben was looking beyond the dirt and smells that some of these children had and played with them as if they were long lost friends. Jacob was acting with such sincerity and empathy that I had to control the proud tears forming in my eyes. I was so proud of the love my boys were showing to the other children. What a wonderful lesson they were learning, and what a joyous day the other children were having. My boys were bringing them happiness and acceptance; things they weren’t used to having daily. That was turning out to be the most wonderful and meaningful Thanksgiving ever, even without Pete.

When the last person left, about seven o’clock in the evening, our family sat down with Father Alex to enjoy the left overs of the day. The other volunteers left to go home to their families. On that Thanksgiving, the underprivileged would enjoy the best of the meal, and our family would have the so-called scraps. Just another lesson for our family to be thankful for all we have. We all held hands as Father led us in prayer.

“Heavenly Father, we thank you for the love of your Son Jesus and all of the blessings you have given to us today and every day of our lives. Thank you for Catherine and her family’s generosity today as they helped feed your poor children. Thank you for the opportunity to do your work today as we fed the hungry. We pray that the love and blessings of your son touched the lives of every soul that was here today and will continue to feed those souls with your love and promises. Thank you for the food we are about to receive on this Thanksgiving Day, and we pray that Jacob, Ben, and Mary’s father join our banquet in spirit. I ask that you bless this family as they continue to heal and remind them always of your unfailing love. We pray this in Jesus’ name.”