Soldier from Heaven (9781629021911) (11 page)

“Yes, nice meeting you, Colin,” added Linda.

Once I denied giving Colin my number, Pete was gone. And after our good-byes, Linda and I walked out of the bar and headed home. A strange feeling came over me as I realized that there were several moments in the bar that I wished Pete wasn’t there. I couldn’t imagine actually having those feelings, but I did. Talking with him in our bedroom at night was wonderful. It was like our little secret world. But when he was in the bar with me, it was as if he was intruding. I never wanted to be without him before, so why now? Was it because I knew I couldn’t speak to him when we were in public, or was it because I had an interest in Colin, which wasn’t like me either? Perhaps I was finally separating him from my reality without him. I certainly wasn’t ready to give him up, but I felt ready to set up boundaries.

Matt was watching boxing on the television when I arrived home. All of the children were asleep in their beds. Matt was a great caregiver.

“How was your night, Catherine?”

“Fun, but weird. A man joined Linda and me for most of the time, and it was a lot of fun. I felt guilty, but it was nice to be hit on.”

“Well, you may be over forty but you still got it.”

Matt seemed a little embarrassed after that comment, and I could tell he wished he hadn’t said that. When Pete was alive, he always flirted with me, telling Pete that if he had bought me a drink first I would have been his. It was always funny and very innocent. But since Pete’s death, Matt didn’t do that anymore. With Pete around, the flirting was pure innocence and of course, nothing would come of it. Nothing was intended to come of it except for fun. But with Pete gone, flirting would seem disrespectful or even worse, real. I tried to relieve him of his embarrassment.

“Thanks, Matt. You always know just what to say to make an old lady feel better,” I said sarcastically allowing us to both laugh. “Did you get to talk to Jacob?” I said to change the subject abruptly.

“Yes. After a little wrestling and roughhousing, I was able to open up the conversation. I told him that anytime he needed to blow off some steam, just fight with his old uncle instead of a kid who has no chance against him. He laughed, and then once Ben was in bed we talked some more.”

Matt always had a way of lightening the mood and making big deals seem little. His wrestling comment was a great way to reach Jacob and help him put things in perspective. He told me about the talk he had with Jacob but didn’t tell me all of the details except that he shared his own feelings with Jacob and told me they really connected. I was so thankful that Matt could be there for Jacob in a way that I couldn’t. I gave him a hug and thanked him, and then he went home. I was anxious to get to my room and talk to Pete.

“Pete, I see you are already here waiting for me.”

“I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable at the bar, angel.”

“Pete,” I said with a teasing tone. “Did I detect a note of jealousy?”

“No. That wouldn’t be right. But I didn’t feel at ease with what I saw.”

“Well, why were you there? I didn’t expect to see you in a bar with me. You kind of made me look a little loopy.”

“I guess I thought you might need my support, you know, being out like that for the first time.”

“Why didn’t you leave when you saw that I was doing alright?”

“I just had to make sure. It was the first time you appeared on the market to others and well, you were drinking. I guess I wanted to balance your judgment. Dead or alive, I still want to protect you.”

“It seems to me you are acting somewhat human. Is that normal for a ghost?”

“That’s the first time you called me a ghost. I never thought of myself as a ghost.”

“Weird, huh? What else do we call you?”

“Let’s not. I’m here whether as a ghost or soul, it’s me.”

“So what do we do about these feelings of yours? We both know you won’t always be here to protect me.”

“I don’t know.”

“How about we focus on why you are here? You are here to help me when I need it. I wasn’t in any danger at the bar. Linda was there with me. Oh Pete, I want nothing more than for you to be here alive with me. I miss your touch, but it’s obvious we can’t share that anymore. I’m not looking for another relationship, just normalcy. I’m not ready to let go of you at all, and I probably never will be. But the reality is I don’t have you anymore, and I do need some kind of attention to feel like a woman.”

“Like you had tonight?”

“Yes, but as you can see, I wanted nothing more than that attention and conversation. I’m getting older and you always made me feel beautiful. I won’t have that anymore from you. I don’t need the physical relationship, but I do need to feel beautiful. It’s sad to admit but only attention from a man can make me feel beautiful. Can you understand that?”

“Yes, I can. It sounds as though you are trying to explain your actions. Please know I don’t want that. All I want is for you to be happy. Eventually, you will be able to move on in every aspect of your life, even romantically. I’m okay with that. How about I only visit you in our home and when you need me?”

“Okay. I love you, Pete. I’m far from over needing you. Jacob and I are both still hurting, but he’s not coping as well. I still have you, but he doesn’t. Do you know he got into a fist fight in school when someone asked how you died? I got your brother to talk to him tonight.”

“I know. See, you know where to turn, baby. My brother is being a great source of strength for you and Jacob, and I’m thankful for that.”

“Me too.”

“Are you thanking God for him?”

“I haven’t really, but I’m starting to see I have a lot to thank God for. Most of all, I’m thankful he sent you. I’m just so scared for Jacob.”

“Pray, my love. Prayer is what makes change. You can try to do all you can, and that is helpful. You are doing the right things. But you are missing the most important component to healing. And that’s Jesus.”

“I know, Pete. I’m missing a sense of calm. I’m worrying, and I know that isn’t of God. I need to let go and let God. I’ve always let him guide me before, so I need to now.”

Again I blinked, and Pete was gone. I said what he wanted to hear so he left. I did need to return to my dependence on God. Worry only shows lack of faith. I had to have faith that he would help me. With faith all things are possible. I believed it before. I had to believe it again. What an interesting conversation that was.

Chapter 11

Born Again

After my conversation with Pete the night before, I decided to take the advice that Pete had given me some time ago. I wasn’t quite ready to cry for God, but perhaps the Widows and Widowers group would prove helpful. My mother came over that night to watch the children while I was at the church. I felt awkward as I walked in and saw the men and women speaking happily with one another before the support group began. I sensed that they were all at peace with the deaths of their spouses and hoped the group would give me the same comfort. I took a seat in the very back where I could remain unnoticed. I smiled politely as the others walked in and waited anxiously for everyone to sit down so I could remain in the background. A few moments later, the meeting began.

I sat for awhile, holding back the tears as I listened to the stories being told by the members. Very old ladies and gentlemen reminisced about the years so long ago and expressed thankfulness for their full lives and children. That made me feel very sad knowing that I would be missing out on that full life with my husband, but yet my children’s faces appeared in my mind, and I was thankful for them. Others told about the struggles they faced since losing their spouses. The older men missed the cooking and the older women missed their husbands taking care of the house. All of it was very typical.

I scanned the room looking for the young men and women that Pete was sure would be there. To my surprise, scattered among the old were a few very young people. One woman stood up and spoke of her husband’s battle with cancer and her sadness for her young children because they only had a few short years with their father. It was all such a harsh reality for the room of people to face. And yet, it was evident that they allowed their faith in Jesus to see them through the hardship. A moment later, a man stood up who was not too much older than me and he looked oddly familiar. Then my eyes opened wide as I was shocked to see that it was Colin. He didn’t mention that he was a widower in the bar, even when I told him that I had lost my husband.
Wow.
He had certainly gotten over his loss. After all, he was hitting on me in the bar.
But why didn’t he mention that to me? Then, I remembered his comment about completely understanding what I was going through. I began feeling a bit uneasy and didn’t want to risk running into him after the meeting, so I snuck out and went home.

“How was the meeting, dear? You’re back awfully early.”

“It was sad, Mom. The people there seemed to be coping well, but it made me so sad. To see all of those people struck with the same tragedy was disheartening. I still question why God let that happen to so many people.”

“It’s a horrible reality of our world, Catherine. But you have to remember it isn’t God that kills. He’s the one who gives us new life. You really need to reflect on that, Catherine. It’s the only way you’ll ever begin to heal.”

“I know.”

“Maybe you should spend some time in the adoration chapel. It always brings me a sense of renewed faith in God’s promises.”

“I’ll think about it. I know I have to make the effort. I do believe that Jesus wants to help me, but it’s just hard for me to accept.”

“I know, honey. But once you surrender yourself to him again, everything will begin to change for the better.”

My mother was right, and I had always known that. I guess I wanted to wallow in self pity, but I had to remind myself that doing so wouldn’t make anything better. It would only prolong the agony and postpone the healing. I asked my mother to watch the kids the next day so I could take her advice and pray in the adoration chapel. My mother spent two hours there every Tuesday night. Our church had a perpetual adoration where the Blessed Sacrament was always exposed, and at least one person was there at all times for continuous worship. It was beautiful knowing that in the same place every moment of every day, someone was worshipping and adoring our Lord Jesus. It was time that I adored him as well. Pete pointed out that I was missing that most important part of healing. Just as a popular song says, “I will praise you in this storm.” I had no other choice. It was exactly what I had to do.

When I entered the chapel, I felt like I was walking into a family member’s home that I hadn’t spoken to in years. I realized just how far I had fallen away from Jesus. Sure, I kept going to church, but I had been going through the motions. At least I had been attempting to keep a connection but it wasn’t enough. I knew Jesus was always with me during my hard times but I wasn’t allowing him control. I, in a sense, was pushing away the help he was offering. I knelt down in the first pew and began to pray.

“Dear sweet Jesus, I’m so sorry for not letting you take care of me through this dark time. Instead of reaching out to you, I demanded you to send Pete to me. I know that was your way of helping me. It’s true, I have depended on Pete all of our days together in a way I should have only depended on you. You are the one who will never leave my side, not my husband. Pete and I became one flesh as you commanded, but I think I may have forgotten the until death do us part. I place him with you as my number one priority instead of placing you above him. I was wrong, and I now see why you have the rules that you have for us. I know you will forgive me. I want you and need you with me more than ever. Please come to me as you have always wanted to. I need you and know you are the only way for me to heal and the only way to get to Heaven to be with you and Pete at the hour of my death. Help me to be the example to my children that you intend for me to be. Guide me to make the right choices in my life with my children and other relationships. I beg you to come to me and stay with me forever, dear Lord.”