Soldier from Heaven (9781629021911) (15 page)

“I don’t want you to go but you are starting to be hurt by this. I don’t want anyone else. When I met Colin at the bar, I could have given him my number. We could be dating right now. But I didn’t want that. I wasn’t ready then, and I’m certainly not ready now. All I really want is to be able to be in your arms again,” I said as a tear rolled down my cheek. “But you and I both know that is not possible. Not here. Your brother and I have always been close. We’re good friends and family. That comfort with each other, mixed with a little wine and the spirit of Christmas, just brought on an innocent kiss.”

I smiled and attempted a little giggle to lighten the mood.

“It’s not a joke, Catherine. He loves you.”

“And I love him. I always have, as a brother-in-law. The kiss was innocent. We were just two great friends feeling a little vulnerable, a little lonely, and a little tipsy. But that’s nothing compared to what I felt for you and still do. Pete, let it go, please. I love you. But it’s time that I go to sleep.”

As I turned and walked towards the bathroom Pete spoke once more. “Be careful, Catherine. I know he loves you differently now. Just be sure of your feelings for both of your sakes.” And with that, he left.

Chapter 14

What Happened On Christmas Eve,
Stays On Christmas Eve

Matt kept his word and slipped in the back door Christmas morning. He actually slept in his car since he was responsible and had drank too much to drive. I was only in a light sleep all night, so I heard him sneak in around five. As always, he had perfect timing. He knew from previous years that the boys were early risers and even earlier risers on Christmas morning. By six-thirty, Jacob and Ben were running into my room and jumping on my bed.

“Wake up, Mommy,” they kept yelling in unison.

“Good morning and Merry Christmas Ben, Jacob,” I said with a smile and lots of hugs and kisses. “Don’t you want to cuddle with Mommy for another hour or so?”

“
No
,” they again shouted in unison.

There was no sense in fighting it. They were wide awake and not about to lie down again. So, I reached for my bathrobe but quickly decided to throw on some sweats instead. Matt was used to seeing me in bathrobes, but I just felt a little funny after the night before. I didn’t want him to think I did it on purpose, so I put on a set that could easily pass as pajamas. I threw my hair up into a pony tail and met the boys by the tree.

“Hang on, guys. Let me put some coffee on for your uncle and me, and then you can tear into Santa’s gifts. By the way, I let Santa off the hook this year again. The good stuff is from me.”

I headed into the kitchen and smelled the fresh aroma of coffee already made. Matt had set the timer when he showed up that morning. What a thoughtful man. I poured myself a cup, and as I turned to open the fridge for some creamer I heard his voice.

“Merry Christmas, boys. Man, Santa was good to you. I think you should give some of that stuff to me. I still like to play.”

“No way,” shouted Ben.

“Grow up, man,” replied Jacob sarcastically.

Matt laughed and made his way into the kitchen. Our eyes met, and we both said good morning with a little uneasiness and embarrassment. Then I smiled a big, sly smile and winked to let him know all was okay. We both giggled, and the weight of the kiss was lifted off of our shoulders. I walked over to him and gave him a big hug.

“Merry Christmas, Matt.”

“Merry Christmas, Catherine,” he said as we let go.

We stared again for a few short seconds and smiled. The comfort was there again. With unspoken words, we told each other that there was no reason to speak of Christmas Eve. We were in sync with our feelings, and we would move on. I poured him some coffee, and we headed into the living room prepared for the mess of wrapping paper the boys were about to make. I put on some Christmas music and sat down by the tree next to Matt and the boys.

The boys finally finished tearing everything apart and Mary, good old Mary, was just waking up in time for breakfast at eight o’clock. I began to walk towards her room, but Matt insisted on getting her so I could get the donuts on the table. We always had a very easy Christmas breakfast so I could both enjoy the morning and not have to make anymore dirty dishes. Besides, I always hosted Christmas at our house so cooking dinner for a houseful was enough food prep for the day.

The rest of the morning was uneventful.
Matt helped put together toys and clean up the living room while I began preparing for dinner. He kept the children occupied by playing with them inside and outside until early afternoon when my parents arrived. My father joined him while my mother helped me prepare the meal. It was just like any other Christmas but without Pete. I tried taking my mind off of missing him, but it was hard after the conversation I had with him the night before. The kiss wouldn’t happen again, and it wasn’t anything to feel guilty about. Matt and I wouldn’t speak of it again, and I prayed that he would go home before my parents as to avoid any awkward moments in the evening. I decided against telling my parents about the kiss and knew there was no way I would tell Linda. I could hear her
I told you so
loud and clear in my head without her having to say it out loud. There was no point stirring it up. It was better to leave it alone.

During dinner, we kept our minds off of the empty seat by telling Matt all of the details about Thanksgiving. Jacob told us that he saw one of the boys in his school but didn’t tell anyone that he saw the boy at the soup kitchen. Both of them described how fun it was to play with the others and how much they had in common. They expressed wanting to help those families in other ways as well. Ben even decided which toys he wanted to donate to the children. I talked him into saving them for next Thanksgiving. We planned on taking many toys, clothes, and hygiene necessities for the people the following year. Our Christmas dinner turned into a charity planning for the following year which was very satisfying.

The evening came to a close and Matt went home. Shortly after my parents left, it was just my children and me left sitting around the beautifully lit up Christmas tree. Ben wanted to turn off the lights and look at the tree in the dark. We all agreed. The four of us stared in awe at the lovely tree. Our living room was also dimly lit by the moonbeams shining through.

“I missed Dad today,” Jacob said breaking the silence.

“Me too,” said Ben.

“Dada,” continued Mary, and we smiled weakly at her.

“I know boys. I missed Daddy too. But he’s here with us, just as he was the night he passed. He’ll always be here with us,” I said with a quiet confidence.

We hugged each other for several minutes while we stared at the tree. The faint sound of gospel Christmas carols played from the stereo in the background. We were a bit sad, but yet very content. Our family was still solid. Still stable. Both of which I couldn’t have imagined when Pete first died. We had gotten through the hardest moments together. All of us had grown. I knew that it wasn’t Pete who really helped me, but God’s intervention. After all, Pete wouldn’t have come to me if it wasn’t for his work. I loved Pete so much but knew I wasn’t truly facing life without him if I continued to lean on him. I didn’t want to say good-bye to him, but I knew I would have to do so soon. But for that moment, I was enjoying the love of our new family unit by the lights of our tree, next to the nativity scene. My eyes moved to the little figure of Baby Jesus, and then I raised my head to look up. “Thank you, Jesus,” I whispered. “Happy Birthday.”

Chapter 15

If You Love Something, Set It Free

New Year’s Eve had come and gone. We hosted a party and invited all of our employees from the garage, as well as our family and some close friends. I felt the need to stay home that year and actually let my boys host a sleepover for Jesse. The three of them had their own party in Jacob’s room with movies and snacks all night. The laid back party and full house helped Matt and me avoid another awkward kiss. At midnight, we shared a quick kiss just as we did with the rest of our family and friends. Of course, Linda watched us like a hawk. But there was nothing to see. It was a great New Year’s Eve. When I went to bed around 2:00 a.m., Pete wasn’t in my room. But as I dozed off, I felt a kiss on my cheek and heard him whisper, “Happy New Year, angel.”

Two weeks later, my little Ben was about to turn seven years old, so we were preparing for a birthday party. That was the first family celebration after Pete’s death where I did not feel anxious about celebrating without him. I was able to just focus on the blessing that Ben was to me and couldn’t wait to thank God for another year. It was mid-January, and there was a chill in the air. Our pool was heated, so the chilly days did not take away from our romps in the pool. The boys, of course, were in their bathing suits waiting to go swimming. While I was decorating the cake that morning, Jacob and Ben constantly bugged me to go in the pool. Over and over again I told them to wait until the chill in the air wore off and until the rest of our family showed up for the birthday Bar-be-cue. It really didn’t matter how precise I was with my directions or how consistent I was with following through; my boys always kept on trying to wear me down. I’m proud to say it didn’t work.

Linda and Jesse were the first to arrive as usual. We sent the boys off into the bedroom to play Legos while we made them wait very impatiently for the rest of the family to arrive. No other friends were invited that year. Ben just wanted a small party with all of us. I think he somehow appreciated his family even more since Pete’s death. For his age, he was a very sentimental little boy and so full of love. It’s what made him so very special. I was not disappointed with Ben’s decision. After all, I’d rather not have had a bunch of rowdy boys running around the house.

As I paced back and forth around the kitchen setting up all of the food and fixings for the party, Linda and I talked about the school year while she kept Mary occupied with coloring. Our boys were doing well in school, and Jacob had finally settled into his new school year without his father. Basketball was going well for Jacob and Jesse, and Matt was pitching in as an assistant coach. Linda made her usual snide remarks about our relationship, but I ignored her. I still hadn’t told her about Christmas Eve, and I was pretty much busting at the seams to do so. I always told her everything, but I just couldn’t bring myself to tell her she was right about his feelings towards me. Despite what Pete said, I didn’t truly believe it was romantic feelings that brought on the kiss but rather comfort and wine.

Just as I was about to let Linda in on my secret, my parents walked in followed by Matt and his parents. My in-laws had flown in the day before. We had dinner with them at Matt’s house when they arrived, and I was able to grieve with them for the first time since I wasn’t with them at the funeral. And the children had a second Christmas with all of the gifts they brought. It was nice to have them there for Ben’s party as well. Our little party was complete. The boys immediately ran out to greet everyone and then looked at me with a silent look that asked, “Can we go in now?”

“Alright boys, you may now go into the pool,” I announced.

They had practically dived in by the time I said the word pool. I welcomed Pete’s parents, and then they quickly got Mary and joined the boys in the pool. They missed the children terribly and spent every minute with them. I turned on the music and the grill and got ready for an exciting, yet relaxing day with the ones I loved most.

As expected, Matt took over at the grill with some help from my father. It was nice to still have men taking care of me. I never had a moment where I felt like there was something I couldn’t take care of. If the pool pump wasn’t working or there was a problem with something inside of the house, I’d call my father. If there was a car issue, I’d call Matt. It was pretty much the same routine as when Pete was away with the reserves. The only difference I was feeling by that time was that he wasn’t coming back. I had come to terms with that by Ben’s birthday. Pete’s visits had become a little more random. Perhaps that’s because I no longer felt like I needed him. It was a strange revelation. I still loved his visits, but they had become like visits from an old friend; lovely when they occurred but not missed too much when they didn’t happen. Pete must have sensed that because he seemed to want to linger as I said good night in an attempt to say good-bye.

I was feeling much stronger and able to take care of myself and our family. When Pete first died, I was like a lost country kitten in the middle of a big city. I felt hopeless and confused, not sure how to function. In desperation, I would call to Pete to come and help me. He did. Pete would offer advice and direction and nudge me to believe in myself. But somehow the needs shifted and the visits were transformed. Pete would come to me when I didn’t feel like I needed him, and he would try to guide me with decisions I wanted to make on my own. He was the one more reluctant to go while I felt more at ease and independent. Ben’s birthday would prove to be a pivotal time in our life, death relationship.

Most of the day was an ordinary, lovely birthday gathering. We enjoyed chicken and burgers on the grill, accompanied by tomato salad, cold spinach dip, chips, and wine. The children ate their meals at their own table while soaking wet from the pool. They laughed, showed their chewed up foods, and burped for the entertainment of each other. Mary, sitting with the adults, looked over her shoulder at the loud boys and giggled. Yes, the sound of burping little boys and Mary’s giggles represented a very happy time in our lives. The cake was served immediately after all had eaten, and like the meal, it was a typical part of the celebration. The presents came next, and Ben oohed and aahed over the Legos, cars, and clothes. And when he opened the birthday card with a check from Pete’s parents, he couldn’t contain his anxiousness to go and spend it. Yes, a typical, beautiful, birthday party.