Stupid Movie Lines (2 page)
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Authors: Kathryn Petras
Jennifer Beals and mad scientist Sting having an argument, before his hate turns to lust in
The Bride,
1985
On the Army, Always Prepared:
Scientist:
Now, if this thing of mine works and we can get close—real close—and bombard that bird’s antimatter energy shield with a stream of mesic atoms, I think we can destroy that shield. The bird would be defenseless then except for beak, claws, and wings. You could hit it with everything but the kitchen sink.
General:
We’ve got the kitchen sinks to spare, son!
Morris Ankrum (the general) and Jeff Morrow (the scientist) having a technical discussion in
The Giant Claw,
1957
On Art Talk, Super-Hip:
It’s all sort of Mondrian, Klee, Kabuki-like, don’t you think?
Wigged-out sixties partygoer in
The Interns,
1962, starring Cliff Robertson and Suzy Parker
On Astronauts, the Kind of Babes They Like:
You’re too smart for me, baby. I like ’em stupid.
Walt (Douglas Fowley), Earth astronaut who’s about to die (but doesn’t know it), to Alpha, the head Moon girl, in
Cat Women of the Moon
a.k.a
. Rocket to the Moon,
1953
On the Atomic Age, Great Moments in:
These days they blame the atom for everything. Bad health, bad crops, bad weather. Now it’s grasshoppers.
Soldier talking about the giant grasshoppers that have begun appearing in
Beginning of the End,
1957
On Audio Metaphors, Long-Playing:
Two Tanks (talking to his bimbo girlfriend, LP):
Long Play, that’s enough surface noise. Take it off the turntable, doll.
Flattop:
Oohh. That was close. I thought she was in the old micro-groove again.
Two Tanks (Ed Reider) and Flattop (Frank Gorshin) talking about the talkative Long Play (Roxanne Arlen), in
Hot Rod Girl,
1956
On Bad Girls, Knowledgeable:
Good girl:
If you get a high school diploma, then you can earn things for yourself.
Bad girl:
With what I’ve got, I don’t need a diploma.
Youth Aflame,
1959
On Bad Girls, 1950s Style:
Mother:
Cigarettes, beer, all grown up!
Marjorie:
We might as well face it: I’ve gone to the dogs.
Natalie Wood as the growing ingenue in the title role in
Marjorie Morningstar,
1958
On Bad Girls, the Final Word on:
So Young. So Bad. So What!
Trailer for
Reform School Girls,
1986
On Bad Guys, Annoying French Canadian:
We doan fail! Corbeau’z got sumzin’ you never seen no gun lak zat … she squirt lead lak, lak, zee hurrican.
One of the bad guys in
North West Mounted Police,
1940
On Bad Makeup Moments in Film:
What am I doing? I’m not wearing any mascara!
Young career girl Ann-Margret, who has been trying not to cry (and who is wearing tons of makeup) in
The Pleasure Seekers,
1964
On Balls, Squishy:
First man:
Don’t shout. Balls are not broken yet.
Second man:
Yeah? My iron balls are like marshmallows!
Devil Cat,
1992
On Baseball Players, Unreal:
You mean I’m gonna get
paid
to play baseball? Boy, a hundred dollars!
There’s not that much money in the whole world!
William Bendix as the Babe, in
The Babe Ruth Story,
1948
On Beach Bunnies, What to Say About:
Let’s dig this groovy chick! Come on, men!
Appreciative male beachgoers as Sugar Kane (Linda Evans) bares her bikini for the first time in
Beach Blanket Bingo,
1965
On Beatniks, Why They Give Small Parties:
And there aren’t very many real people left. The only real people I know are dead. Pushed into nuthouses … lobotomy … junk … suicide … or really cooling it and saying nothing to nobody.
Beatnik girl in smoky jazz club in
Once a Thief,
1965
On Becoming a Man, the Cold Truth About:
Farmer:
You left your boyhood behind you.
Parrish:
Yes, one night under the ice at the North Pole.… It separated the men from the boys.
Troy Donahue in the title role, back from the Navy, in
Parrish,
1961
On Becoming a Vampire, Why It’s Not Cool:
Aw, man, you’re jivin’ me! Look, man, I don’t mind bein’ a vampire and shit, but this really ain’t hip!
Newly bitten young man, now a vampire, to Blacula in the blaxploitation film
Scream, Blacula, Scream!,
1973
On Being a Citizen of the British Commonwealth, Benefits of:
You can’t mesmerize me. I’m British!
Peter Cushing making the monster understand what’s what in
At the Earth’s Core,
1976
On Being a Citizen of the British Commonwealth, Benefits of:
Inspector:
What if one of you is the monster?
Peter Cushing:
We’re English!
Horror Express,
1976
THE MOST CLOYING STUPID MOVIE LINES EVER WRITTEN
T
ake a lisping toddler, a wide-eyed kid, or clean-cut teen, throw in some cutesy problems with the English language, some theoretically adorable mixed metaphor or some ostensibly charming naïveté, and you have one of the quintessential types of the stupidest—and possibly most nauseating—movie lines ever written.
These are celluloid moments designed to evoke a sentimental tear or smile, but instead evoke the insatiable urge to retch.
Following are some of the worst offenders—more saccharine than Shirley Temple at her most dimpled, and guaranteed to make the strong-stomached gag.
On Compliments, Nauseating:
Oh, goshers, Lady Buddy! Every time you’re coming here you’re looking more prettier!
Dondi (David Kory), the poor little Italian orphan, to “Patti Page, the Singing Rage” in
Dondi,
1961
On Martians, Cutesy Children’s Reception of:
Billy:
Who are you?
Kimar:
We’re from Mars. Don’t be afraid, we have children just like you on Mars.
Betty:
What are those funny things sticking out of your head?
Kimar:
Those are our antennae.
Betty:
Are you a television set?
Earth children meet the Martians in
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians,
1964
On Oaths, Deadly Serious:
Honest, Roxy! I believe you! I swear on my Elvis Presley LP!
Tommy (Arch Hall, Jr.) to Roxy (Marilyn Manning) when she first tells him about the monster in
Eegah!,
1963
On Being a Member of the British Commonwealth, Benefits of:
How can you do this to us? We’re Canadians!
Father to his daughter’s stalker in
Dead Beat,
1994
On Being Mis-Led:
Led Zeppelin was wrong, man. There is no stairway to heaven!
Dead man to friend who hasn’t yet met the Grim Reaper (but will soon) in
Soultaker,
1990
On Biblical Dialogue That Fortunately Never Made the Bible:
Jesus:
What is your name, my friend?
James the Younger:
James. Little James. They call me “little” because I’m the youngest. What is your name?
Jesus:
Jesus.
James:
Ah, that’s a good name!
Jesus:
Thank you.
The Greatest Story Ever Told,
1965
On Big Breasts, Tricks with:
Dweeb in bar:
Hey, vodka rocks, what do you say you and me get nipple to nipple?
Vodka rocks girl (looking at her large breasts):
I can do that without you!
Fascinating conversation in raunchy bar, observed by the incredibly cool new bouncer (Patrick Swayze) in
Road House,
1989
On Big Brothers, Freaky:
A colossal freak, Major, and he’s my brother!
Upset sister (Sally Fraser) talking about her sixty-foot-tall brother in
War of the Colossal Beast,
1958
On Big-Vocabulary Words, Helpful Movie Definitions of:
His cells are growing at an accelerated—or speeded up—rate.
Doctor explaining what’s happening in
The Amazing Colossal Man,
1957
On Big-Vocabulary Words, More Helpful Movie Definitions of:
You’re describing schizophrenia, aren’t you? I knew there was something wrong with me. I had no idea it was—insanity!
Joan Crawford coming to a big realization in
Possessed,
1947
On Bikers, Pesky:
Adult delinquents. They steal things, they smell, they use foul language!
Outraged mayor in town terrorized by hippie bikers in
Devil’s Angels,
1967
On Birds, Thoughtful:
Boy, it’s so quiet out here you can hear the birds think!
The Pilot (Mikel Conrad) in
Untamed Women,
1952
On Birds, Visionary:
Jonathan’s parents:
Son, this may not be the best life, but it’s all we know.
Jonathan:
There’s got to be more to life than fighting for fish heads!
Jonathan the seagull to his parents in
Jonathan Livingston Seagull,
1973
On Birthdays, What Not to Do on:
It’s my birthday and I don’t want to go to a mental hospital!
Distraught heroine (Crystal Bernard) complaining to her mother in
Slumber Party Massacre II,
1987
On a Boy and His Dog, Sickening Moments:
Lassie, my Lassie,
I don’t know why,
But, Lassie, I can’t say good-bye.
You and me, we’re gonna be pals
till we die.
Song from
The Magic of Lassie,
1978
On Boy’s Best Friend:
Quiet, Mr. Dog! They finding you here, they sending you back, then us both lonesome.
Dondi (David Kory), the poor little Italian orphan, to his poor little dog in
Dondi,
1961
On Brains, Enticing:
I could easily kill you now, but I’m determined to have your brain.
Donald O’Brian in the title role in
Dr. Butcher, M.D.,
1979
On Brains, Odoriferous:
I know you’re in there, I can smell your brain.
Ghoul to terrified girl in
Return of the Living Dead,
1985
On Brain Transplants, Bad:
A Blood-Dripping Brain Transplant Turns a Maniac Into a Monster!