Succumbing To His Fear (17 page)

A commotion at the front door had us all returning to the main reception area. It was Tula’s ex. A rather irate and red-faced Mike came storming in demanding to talk to the detective in charge of Tula’s case. He was so on task he hadn’t noticed any of us standing there.

“Mike,” I called. He spun around so fast I thought he’d lose his balance.

“What the fuck are these people doing around here? I go to one station and am told that the guy I need to speak to is over here. I get over here and they tell me the guy I’m asking for is dead. I don’t think dead means what it used to because I keep having to deal with fucking ghosts if that’s the case,” he blurted out.

“What the fuck are you talking about?” Ghosts, what was this fresh bullshit?

“I get back from work and found this taped to my fucking door. Taped to my fucking door,” he shouted. What the hell was it? He was clearly shaken up by whatever it was. But before any of us could ask what he was talking about, Littleton was back and showing us into the same room we’d so recently left.

Alfie

Nine hours spent falling down the rabbit hole. At least that what it felt like. A nightmare. How my fingerprints ended up on the weapon used in a murder, I had no fucking idea. I was in the Twilight Zone. I was questioned for a long time, but I couldn’t explain things I didn’t know anything about. I had never even held a gun, let alone shot one. I didn’t even know where the murder took place.

They did tests on my hands, clothes, and shoes. The questions they asked were in reference to both Tula and Unders’s deaths. I guess I must have been hit with the stupid stick because I didn’t see any connection other than the detective investigating Tula’s murder was a dick and got himself shot. I was no Sherlock Holmes. I wasn’t even a Watson. And from the look of the man questioning me, he couldn’t believe that I was so far behind in my way of thinking.

It wasn’t until Mr. Curtis came in and started to explain things to me that I fully understood that the two murders could have been committed by the same person. And that person was going above and beyond to target Fear and me. I quickly blocked that thought. I would save that and think about it at a later date. It wouldn’t do me any good to freak out. 

It was the early hours of morning by the time Detective Littleton stood across from me saying that I was free to go for the time being. I wasn’t allowed to leave the state and would have to be available for further questioning if the need arose.
Yeah, whatever
. I just wanted to go home and see Fear and Ben.

I asked if I could use Mr. Curtis’s phone while the last of the paperwork was being finalized. The phone barely rang once before I heard his voice. Everything instantly settled inside me and I couldn’t wait to get back to Hayley’s so I could see Fear and talk to the Nuggets. Hug Ben, talk to Mum. God I hoped they hadn’t told Mum anything. That would not be good.

“Any news?” Fear’s rough voice asked.

“Yeah, I’m about to be released. Can I get a lift home?” I ask, trying to convey how much I needed him without having to expose any more weakness. My condition made me weak enough and he’d already had plenty of experience with that side of me. The truth was I’d kept it together because I had to, but I was fast running out of strength. I really needed him and the sooner the better.

“Baby, I’m still here. Out in the reception area with Ben and Drake. Carter had to go help James and Tate, and John is sorting something out.”

Hearing that he hadn’t left, that he was exactly where I needed him to be made my breath rush out and all the emotion I’d managed to keep in check bubbled to the surface. Taking another deep breath, I hope I would get a better grip on things, which of course, didn’t work. My eyes fill with tears, which fell fast, leaving me unable to talk.

“Alfie, you hold on for a little bit longer, okay? Just a few minutes longer and I’ll be there and holding you. Can you do that for me, baby?” I started nodding automatically, because I’m so fuddled I don’t realize he can’t see me.

“Alfie?” Hearing Fear call my name reminded me that a nod wasn’t going to cut it.

“Yeah. I can do that,” I managed to croak out, because a croak was pretty much all I could do. I hung up the phone; took a couple of deep breaths and concentrated on keeping it together for just a little bit longer. Just like Fear said. 

Pushing the door open, I sought out Fear and within seconds, I was in the warmth of his arms.

“I got you,” he whispered into my neck. He had me. I was exactly where I wanted to be. Where I needed to be. 

We all walked out to the car that had somehow turned up during my time down the rabbit hole. A lot of time had passed and they could have all driven to New York and back in the time I was stuck in that interview room if they’d wanted.

Minutes into the journey, I realized that we weren’t heading in the direction of Hayley’s house.

“Where are we going?” I asked, my head on Fear’s shoulder. I hadn’t let go of him once and I didn’t plan to anytime soon. 

Looking down at me, Fear explained that it wasn’t safe at Hayley and John’s right then and it would be safer if we stayed at a different location for a little while.

“What? What do you mean? Why is it not safe at Hayley’s?” What had happened now? Had someone been hurt? It was like being on the worst fucking rollercoaster in the world. I was going to need a barf bag before long.

“Someone has been able to get close enough to us to lift your prints. Think about it, Alfie. How would they know that you were the only one who didn’t have an alibi for the entire day?” I didn’t like the thought of that and frankly it was scary as shit to think we had someone spying on us. I could never have been happier that we’d sent the kids with Mum. Fear must’ve felt my body shudder, because his arms tightened around me. “You’re going to be staying with one of John’s Army buddies. Ben is going to get a hotel close by. The guys are all going to go to their own homes for now and I’m going to stay at my place.” Wait did he just say… There was no way he’d leave me alone with a stranger would he?

“What? Why are we not all staying together?” That made no sense to me at all. Why would we split up? Wasn’t it easier to plot an attack or ambush when the prey was in smaller numbers? What if whoever was after us cornered Ben while he was alone? Or one of the guys. Or… No. NO. “Let’s all just go to my house. I’ve got a security system and there’s enough room for us all and no one would have to be on their own.” I needed for all of us to stay together. 

Fear, sensing that I was heading towards a panic attack, tried to soothe me, saying that everyone would be fine. His words were not working. Everything just went in one ear and out the other. No one should be on their own. Everyone I cared about was being separated and spread out all over the place. How the hell was that safe for anyone? No one would have a fucking alibi if we were all on our own.

“Hey, look at me.” I didn’t want to look at him. I didn’t want to hear that it was all okay. It wasn’t and it didn’t look like it was going to be anytime soon. 

“No, I’m going home. Please take me home.” Ben, who was driving, didn’t reply. He continued to act as if there was a chauffeur shield between him and us and that he couldn’t hear Fear trying to talk me into his great plan to separate all of us.

Minutes later, we pulled up outside a large apartment complex. It looked nice enough, but I was not staying there with strangers. Ben opened the car door and got out, leaving Fear and me alone inside. I was sure that was meant to give us privacy, but when I saw John and another man walk out of the complex, I didn’t give a shit why Ben got out the car, all I knew was that I wasn’t getting out of it.

“It won’t be for long. John is going to stay here as well.” I ignored him. Nothing he said was going to make the situation any better. It wasn’t going to go the way he wanted. They all saw me as the weak link. The basket case who couldn’t handle the pressure. I hadn’t had a big attack for years before the other day. Hello? There were extenuating circumstances. I didn’t think that called for me to be hidden away from everything and everyone.

“Alfie, come on, they’re waiting on us.” Fear sighed when I didn’t respond, and then got out of the car. He made his way to the three waiting men, but I still refused to move.

I was gutted. Gutted that he would expect me to do this. I mean, he thought I need a fucking babysitter. That alone was a hard pill to swallow, but did he think I would stay with what amounted to strangers? COME ON! Him thinking that plan was acceptable made me question how well he understood me at all. Yes, I understood that he wanted me safe. Yes, I realized that he believed he was taking care of me. But this was not the fucking way to do it. He didn’t have to do it at all. I would be freaking 24/7 worried about him, Ben, and the guys. I would be on edge the whole time. It was more likely to trigger an attack than prevent one. No, I couldn’t do it. He had to see that. Please let him see that.

Fear

“This is not going to work.”

I looked at Ben and wished I could explain why I was doing this. He agreed that we should all put some distance between us and John and Hayley’s for a while. He didn’t like that I cut Alfie out of the discussion in which it was decided what was going on and who was going where.  

“It has to,” I said, ending any further conversation. I was too tired to keep going around in circles.

“This is Max. I filled him in on everything that’s been going on. I also explained about Alfie.” John introduced his friend when we reached them. He was a tall man. Not as big as me, but taller than John’s six feet. He had a kind smile, but his eyes held a hard sharpness that let you know he was not a man to be fucked with. His muscular frame was impressive for a man of his age; he must have worked hard to maintain it. I stuck out my hand for him to shake. I was really humbled that there were so many people willing to have our backs. 

“Explained what about Alfie?” Ben asked, his voice not hiding the anger behind the question.

John was the one to respond. “Just that he suffers from panic attacks and to keep an eye out for him. Fear said that he wouldn’t come to us if he was suffering and that he’d try to hide it if he was having trouble dealing.” The disappointed look that Ben gave me had my stomach in knots.

“You said that about me?” At the pain in Alfie’s voice, I turned in his direction and wished I hadn’t. The hurt etched on his face was like a punch in the gut. “You got me a babysitter and told them I can’t be trusted to look after myself. Did I hear that right?” he asked, looking between John and me.   

“It’s not like that, I just…,” I tried to explain.

“It’s not. You’re not hiding me away with a complete stranger.” He quickly turned to Max and added, “I’m sorry. I’m sure that you’re a really nice bloke and all, but I don’t know you and… well, what you know about me is apparently that I am a nut job who needs you to be on some kind of panic attack watch. I work really hard to not be seen as weak or ‘less than’. I really didn’t want you to see me in that way.” With that said, he turned, walked back to the car, and got in.

He focused on the floor; refusing to even look at me. Ben followed Alfie back to the car.

“Tell me how bad I fucked up,” I asked John and Max.

“Huge. You made him feel weak. You took away the little bit of control he has in this situation and you did it right after he left the police station, where he was without any control at all.” Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, FUCK, FUUUUUUUCK.

Seconds later Ben was back, and from his expression, he would like nothing more than to shove his fist into my face. I never wanted Alfie to feel like I thought that he was less than anything. I was just trying to take care of him. I was the caretaker. That had always been my role. I was trying to do what I’d always done. Protect those I care about.

“He is not weak, and if you think of him in that way, then whatever you have with him is not going to last. His condition has taken a huge part of his life, but he refuses to let it define him. He would never have taken on the responsibility of raising those babies if he was a ticking time bomb.” The weight of what I had done started to grow even heavier. “The attack he had on the day you got back was the first of its kind in years. And the only reason it happened was because he sort of allowed it. I know that sounds strange, because if he can allow it, why not stop it? It’s a lot more complicated than that. I was there, his mum was, too, so he stopped holding it in, and what you saw was the result. He has trained himself to hold shit in until he is either alone or with people who he feels safe with.”

“He has them alone?” I wasn’t sure why that was important at the moment, but it was. The thought that he suffered alone gutted me. 

“Yeah, he’s been dealing with a lot. He’ll wait for the kids go to bed and have an Alfie Attack, dust himself off and put his smile back on. Don’t underestimate the amount of pain that boy is in beneath that smile.” 

“I don’t think he’s weak. I’m just so used to being the one to make everything better that I didn’t stop to think,” I tried to explain.

“No one expects you to know everything there is to know about him. You’ve had hardly any time to just be you two. I even understand what you were trying to do to some degree.” But Ben’s words didn’t provide the comfort I think they were meant to. “Give him some time to pull himself together. That smile will back before you know it.”

“The smile that hides his pain?” I asked, because I finally got it. Alfie has had to prove himself to everyone. That he was stronger than his condition. What I just did was rip away any strength he had and hung a big neon sign over his head. God, I was such an idiot. Ben patted my shoulder. He didn’t have to say anything else. Message received.

Not even ten minutes later, my Alfie was back. His smile firmly in place and trying his best to ease the tension.

“Baby… I’m fuck… Babe, I.”

“It’s okay. I overreacted. I should’ve just told you why I was acting like a spoiled brat. I know you were just trying to keep me safe. I don’t need to be hidden away. I know my condition can sometimes make it seem like I am a liability. I promise I’m not.” It broke my heart to hear him feel as if he had to defend himself.
I did that to him. Fuck.

“I just needed I minute to control the urge to pile drive your head into concrete, but I’m good now.”

I couldn’t find my voice, so I just reached out and hauled him to me and held on tight. 

“You okay?” I heard Ben ask Alfie. I didn’t move or let him go, even when he nodded in response.

If there was ever a moment when I needed to tell him how I felt, that was it. Could I do it though? Of course, I couldn’t. That alone proved that of the two of us, I was the weak one. Turns out, I didn’t need to worry because as usual Alfie got me. “I love you, too,” he whispered. Then without any further comment, took my hand and lead me down to where a very uncomfortable looking John and Max were waiting. Alfie, of course, didn’t let that last for long. “Yes, I threw my toys out of the pram and had a mini-tantrum. I’m really sorry I made myself look stupid in front of your friend, John. I’m not normally this crazy,” Alfie tried to explain and Ben scoffed. Alfie sighed and conceded, “Okay, fine. I’m always crazy. But not in like a high maintenance way.” Ben scoffed again and Alfie pouted adorably. “Okay. I’m a mess. But I’m fucking gorgeous, so what can you do? You can’t have everything.” He really was a crackpot, but he was my crackpot. With the tension broken, we all walked into the complex.

“There are some things we should fill you in on,” I started. I had planned to try not to involve Alfie any further, but obviously, that was the wrong thing to do. I had to trust in him and not let fear guide my actions. Ironic, huh? “While we were at the station, Mike, that’s Tula ex, showed up with a note that was taped to his door. It said that he was to take all of Tula’s personal papers to some random address or he would end up the same way she had.” Which was crazy. None of us could work out what information Tula could’ve had that would result in this shit storm. We’d just assumed it was about drugs or money that she’d stolen or owed. Unfortunately, we couldn’t find out because Mike freaked and did exactly as he was told and dumped all of Tula’s stuff at the address he was given. Which he told Littleton was an abandoned warehouse downtown. It was no surprise to anyone that when Littleton checked, everything was already gone.

Mike, still freaked out after he dropped the stuff off, drove around for a while, too messed up to go home. He finally decided to go to the police and was shocked to find us there, even more shocked to find out that I was being accused of Tula’s murder. I had been released on bail the night I got attacked at the station. Mr. Curtis had gotten a judge to sign off on it, thank fuck. I’m not sure how much it was or who paid it, and frankly, at the time I didn’t care. I was just grateful. I knew that Aflie’s mom and stepfather were taking care of the lawyer; I could only assume that they took care of the bail, too. I’d find out for sure when everything was over. I’d make sure all my debts were paid.

Once Alfie was up-to-date on everything he’d missed, I explained how I thought us all staying in different places would make whoever was framing us unable to keep track of everyone. He couldn’t watch all of us at the same time.

“That’s true, but he can corner one of us while we’re alone. What if he tries to pin something else on one us and there is no one with him as an alibi? What if our own personal stalker sets up cameras so he knows when we’re coming and going?” Fuck. Some of that made sense. Letting my head fall into my hands, my heart sunk. We were trying to second guess or understand someone who was so fucking off the charts psycho he made Charles Manson look sane. 

My phone ringing interrupted my pity party. Not bothering to check who it is, I answered. “Yeah?” I was so not in the mood. I was quickly running out of energy.

“Is this Fear?”

“Who’s this?” I asked, and looked up to see Ben signaling me to put the phone on speaker so he could record what was said. Pressing the button, we all waited for whoever it was to respond.

“This is Shutter.” Fuck. That was all we needed, more trouble. “Word going around is that I’m the one who done your mom and that we had a situation where she was in trouble with me.” I decided to keep quiet, and Shutter kept talking. “All shit. Tula and me, we had no issue… You need to look closer to home.”

“What do you mean, closer to home?”

“Known Tula a long time. She was a mess, no doubt. Always was. I do know that she loved you kids though,” he explained, his voice almost sad. “She just didn’t know how to show it. It’s not something she was taught. She spent all her time running from her past, a past that is coming back to bite all of us in the ass.” Looking around at the other men in the room, I could see that I wasn’t the only confused one.

“Are you saying that you know who killed her?”

“Yes. It was your father.” What? That man had been gone for years. He couldn’t work up the energy to get a job. Murder was so far outside of what he was capable of. 

“Oh my god, this is a total Star Wars moment,” Alfie exclaimed excitedly. Putting on his best Vader voice he said, “It is your father, Fear.” He even did the sound effect of Vader’s breathing. He was so lost in the impersonation that he hadn’t noticed everyone was staring at him in disbelief.

“Is he for real?” Came Shutter’s irritated voice. That finally broke Alfie from his role and got him to shut up and realize what he was doing. He mouthed a sheepish “Sorry” into the room and hid his face in his hands. 

“Yes, he is,” I responded while thinking,
and he is perfect
. I didn’t add the last part, but I thought every man in the room knew it was a given. “My father took off when I was five, never to be heard from again. Why would he come back now?” I asked, my mind reeling. I was starting to think this was all some bullshit sick joke on Shutter’s part. The only thing giving me pause was the sincerity in his voice when he spoke about Tula. 

“I’m not talking about Phil.” How the fuck did he know about Phil?

“How is it you know so much about Tula’s and my life?” I asked, starting to get angry. I hated feeling vulnerable and it had been happening far too much lately. The confusion I was feeling must have been mirrored on my face because it had Alfie snatching up my hand in a heartbeat and holding tight.

“She was….” Before he could answer, there were a lot of muffled voices, then nothing.

“Connection dropped or he hung up?” John questioned. I didn’t bother to reply, just shrugged. Whatever that was had yet again left us with more question than answers. Will it ever end?